Irina Medvedeva - Multi-colored "white crows". Foreword Colored white crows read

I. Ya. Medvedeva T. L. Shishova

Multi-colored "white crows"

INTRODUCTION

As you remember, "Anna Karenina" begins with the aphorism: "Everything happy families similar to each other; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” The same can be said about children: all good, obedient children are good in the same way, but every difficult child is difficult in his own way. And indeed, one is stubborn, the other is lazy, the third is rude, the fourth is shy ... But the mother is asked the same question:

And why is he like this? Do not know.

The mother of a difficult child, as a rule, does not know what to do with him.

It seems to be obvious: if a child is lazy, it is necessary to make him industrious. If stubborn - accommodating. If greedy - kind. In a word, make the bad good. So the goal is clear! True, it is not clear how to achieve it ... It is difficult with them, with these difficult children. You persuade - they don’t obey, you raise your voice - they don’t react, you shout - they burst into tears ... well, physical punishments - God forbid, this is not pedagogical!

And here, as if it were a sin, life went on in such a way that sometimes you want to not only slap, but sometimes you want to beat. The totalitarian past is shameful, the democratic present is somehow fake, a bright future ... a bright future, according to our experts, is generally a complete darkness: prices will rise, and the ruble will fall, the incidence of AIDS will increase, and the birth rate will fall, the growth of speculation will lead to a decline in production, and the growth of crime - to the final decline of culture. (Who will go to the theater in the evening? - Scary ...) In short, every dirty trick will only grow, and the good will fall.

Some kind of mystical picture of universal evil emerges, and inside this “world evil” you are no longer a small planetary system with its own, albeit small, but order, but a chaotic Brownian particle that pokes in confusion anywhere in a society that has suddenly collapsed, disintegrated into atoms.

You urgently need to earn money, spend it urgently, urgently buy something, and not something, but literally everything, because tomorrow EVERYTHING WILL RAISE AGAIN!

This is a situation of constant stress. All life is a complete shock, a continuous shaking ... And then there is a child ... How out of time, how inappropriate!

But he didn't ask to be born. It is not his fault that you chose to bring him into the world HERE and NOW. And he doesn't have to answer for it. Ill-mannered, stubborn, lazy, capricious - difficult ... Well, what to do with him ?!

And with you?! What to do with you - gloomy, irritable, tired, indifferent, always in a hurry and always busy? What is your child to do with you? How to protect yourself from your chronic dissatisfaction with life?

In our essays, of course, we will talk about children. But children are, in the language of mathematics, a derivative. Derived from you, because you produced them.

And we will talk about you, maybe even more than about children. After all, to be honest, the tone of relations in the family is set by the parents, not the children. And even if the child is a tyrant, and the parents are his obedient slaves, THEY allowed this, THEY allowed such a balance of power!

In general, we want to help parents who have a hard time raising children who have difficulty building their relationship with them. Therefore, we decided to name our book like this:

A BOOK FOR DIFFICULT PARENTS

Therefore, we did not see the need for a major revision, but preferred to give footnotes here and there and add two chapters.

I.M., T.Sh. ,

February 1996

DO NOT ASK FOR PEARS FROM THE POPLAR

How often future parents not only buy bonnets, vests in advance and come up with a name for their heir, but also create his image, compose a biography!

He will have the same thick and long eyelashes as yours, says the wife.

But for the blue-eyed one to be like you! - continues the husband. - And in general, let it be a girl, Alenka.

Do you want a girl? - the wife is surprised. - Well, so be it. Let there be a girl. But so that with your strong-willed character!

This is in the case of a family idyll.

And it happens differently. The woman, left alone and yet deciding to have a child, through angry tears turns to her future son:

Nothing, we'll live! He will regret it! He will come, he will beg for forgiveness, and you will close the door in front of him! .. Or no, not like that ... We are walking down the street, you hold my arm, and I can barely reach your shoulder. And he goes to meet: old, useless, tattered ... He sees me and asks: “Who is this?” And I say, "Son." - "Our son?" - "No, MY son!" And we pass without looking back...

For some reason, in these vengeful pictures, the son necessarily appears. And of course, before he was born, he was already a young man. And definitely tall and broad-shouldered. A sort of knight Lancelot or - to be in the spirit of the times - Arnold.

But the long-awaited day comes, and ... a girl is born. Yes, even ugly, and even with asthmatic attacks. And with a very heavy character.

And the castle in the air with many loopholes collapses overnight. And the unexpected girl will never understand why, instead of love, she evokes a mixture of pity and irritation in her mother.

The child grows and the irritation grows. It would seem, what's the matter? After all, you take care of him - and you seem to get used to it, become attached ... This is on the one hand. On the other hand, it grows, and the picture becomes more and more distinct. A picture of a fatal discrepancy between reality and that old dream ...

And the renovation work begins. Well, girl - it's still okay, there's nothing to be done about it. The eye color doesn't change either. But then let it be a ballerina! They didn’t accept me at one time, they said “legs are a bit short.” And she should!

An interesting detail: lamenting that her daughter did not inherit the desired eye color, the mother does not notice that her daughter just inherited short legs that are not suitable for ballet.

“As for the modeling of character, this is not at all accepted to be questioned. A child is wax, clay, a clean slate, and what else is supposed to be said in such cases ... However, “wax” and “clay” turn out to be not so obedient at all! And the stubborn "resistance of the material" finally pisses me off.

Here is the sacramental phrase:

He (or she) did not live up to my expectations!

I. Ya. Medvedeva T. L. Shishova Multicolored “white crows”

INTRODUCTION

As you remember, Anna Karenina begins with the aphorism: “All happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” The same can be said about children: all good, obedient children are good in the same way, but every difficult child is difficult in his own way. And indeed, one is stubborn, the other is lazy, the third is rude, the fourth is shy ... But the mother is asked the same question:

And why is he like this? Do not know.

The mother of a difficult child, as a rule, does not know what to do with him.

You urgently need to earn money, spend it urgently, urgently buy something, and not something, but literally everything, because tomorrow EVERYTHING WILL RAISE AGAIN!

This is a situation of constant stress. All life is a complete shock, a continuous shaking ... And then there is a child ... How out of time, how inappropriate!

In our essays, of course, we will talk about children. But children are, in the language of mathematics, a derivative. Derived from you, because you produced them.

In general, we want to help parents who have a hard time raising children who have difficulty building their relationship with them. Therefore, we decided to name our book like this:

A BOOK FOR DIFFICULT PARENTS

Therefore, we did not see the need for a major revision, but preferred to give footnotes here and there and add two chapters.

I.M., T.Sh. ,

February 1996

DO NOT ASK FOR PEARS FROM THE POPLAR

How often future parents not only buy bonnets, vests in advance and come up with a name for their heir, but also create his image, compose a biography!

He will have the same thick and long eyelashes as yours, says the wife.

But for the blue-eyed one to be like you! - continues the husband. - And in general, let it be a girl, Alenka.

Do you want a girl? - the wife is surprised. - Well, so be it. Let there be a girl. But so that with your strong-willed character!

This is in the case of a family idyll.

And it happens differently. The woman, left alone and yet deciding to have a child, through angry tears turns to her future son:

You probably already understood that the children with whom we deal in our psychotherapeutic practice are not quite ordinary children. Why would they contact us? But these are not those who are usually called mentally ill, crazy, crazy. In such children it is not very clear where a bad character or a bad upbringing ends and illness begins. They seem to be on the edge. Border kids. In psychiatry, this is commonly referred to as "border states."

Look closely at a large gathering of children. For example, at the Christmas tree show. Take a look at the individual fragments of this living picture called "Happy Childhood".

Here is a boy who stands behind the whole crowd and, convulsively squeezing mother's hand looking at the floor. Mom, this way and that, persuades him to take part in the general fun, she herself laboriously has fun to set an example for him ... But in response, he only puffs up and grumbles: "Let's go home, I'm tired."

And in the thick of the crowd you can see another boy. He is so excited, so captured by the sight that he has lost control of himself: feverishly biting his nails or sucking his thumb like a baby, and even from time to time, without feeling pain, pulls out the hair on the top of his head. The face of such a child is thus disfigured by convulsions.

And now pay attention to the cheerful girl at the very Christmas tree. At first glance, she seems to be quite prosperous: she answers questions, longs to tell a poem or sing a song, laughs out loud. Everything would be fine, only my mother for some reason takes her to the toilet every ten minutes and, just in case, keeps interchangeable tights ready.

It would seem, what do these children have in common? And they have a common diagnosis: all three are classic neurotics. In the West, they are called "exceptional children", "accentuated children", "children with problems" and they try to solve these problems with the help of correctional pedagogy, classes in special classes. In America, there are private boarding schools where neurotics live in conditions close to family conditions, only the place of parents is occupied by psychotherapists who teach their wards to communicate with people and offer various ways of protection in stressful situations.

In our country, these guys are called “difficult”, “strange” or even “with greetings” and, most importantly, they don’t know what to do with them at all. Of course, the doctor, to calm the parents, will prescribe something from the arsenal of psychotropic drugs to the little patient and say goodbye: “Your child is difficult. Be very careful with him."

But the medicine often does not give anything, except for increased drowsiness, and what it means to “be very careful” is most likely not known even by the competent adviser himself. And the confused mother is left alone with her child, exhausting him either with immoderate severity, or with immoderate caress. And the child still cannot find adequate contact with the world and soon, very soon he will feel like a stranger, not only on new year holiday, but in general "at the celebration of life."

Some children feel the tragedy of their outcast, their outsiderness early. Seven-year-old Vitalik to the question: “How do others see you?” - barely audibly answered: "A boy with his head down."

So we called our first healing play:

"The Story of the Boy with the Head Down".

The idea to treat neurotics with the help of puppet theater came to us several years ago, moreover, by accident. The point here is partly in a rather peculiar combination of professions. In the past, one of us, Tatyana Shishova, was a teacher. The second - Irina Medvedeva - worked as a psychologist in a children's psychiatric clinic. And then we began to write plays for the puppet theater together. And in this capacity (co-authors-playwrights) from time to time participated in various theater festivals.

And then one day, after the next festival (I think it was in Gorky, in 1988), we shared our impressions with each other and, by the way, drew attention to the fact that actors can “live” (that is, going on stage without dolls) it's just terrible to play, but - an amazing thing! - picking up a doll, they become much more relaxed, more plastic. And this happens even if the puppeteer is not hiding behind a screen. And then we realized that the doll serves as a kind of protection for the actor, a support.

And if it's not an actor, but painful shy child? Maybe a shy person, hiding behind a wall (that is, behind a screen, disguised himself, putting on a mask), not being afraid of being caught, because he will speak on behalf of a doll, will receive a unique opportunity for healing confession? If only we could try to work with nervous children in this way - we thought and immediately laughed at our Manilov dreams ...

Then the Armenian earthquake happened and seriously wounded people were lying in a clinic in Abrikosovsky Lane. And these people, who lost their homes, families, legs and arms, motionless, helpless, on the verge of death, oddly enough, remembered that soon New Year. And on the evening of the 31st, the artist of the Obraztsov Theater Zhenya Seregin arrived at the hospital, taking with him three charming, touching puppets. Deftly managing them, he showed uncomplicated, but also very touching concert numbers.

And an amazing thing happened (we are witnesses!). People who had been in a state of mental suspended animation for three weeks, lethargy, suddenly began to laugh, cry and even squeal like little children. It was also surprising that the relatives who looked after them - quite healthy mustachioed men and portly women - crowded in the doors of the large chamber where the performance was taking place, and very energetically pushed each other with their elbows, staring at the writhing Indian dancer, in whom he was shaking wooden navel.

But the most amazing thing happened after the performance: the adults wanted to say goodbye to the hand puppets! And one girl congratulated the puppet on the New Year and asked Zhenya in surprise:

Listen, why doesn't she answer me?

Then, digesting the New Year's impressions, we realized what happened: most likely, the patients during the concert demonstrated a clear mental regression, or, simply speaking, they fell into childhood. But at the same time, they finally got out of the state of shock! And we thought: if dolls have such magical power over a sick adult, then what will happen to a sick child, and even with a systematic, long-term and thoughtful impact?!

And our vague guesses grew into a clear confidence, and sluggish dreams - into a desire to act, and decisively.

Now we have almost four years of intense regular work behind us with small groups of children suffering from increased shyness, demonstrativeness, fears, aggressiveness, tics, stuttering, enuresis, autism * (in a mild form), psychopathy, psychotrauma. We also deal with asthmatics, because asthma often has a neurotic nature. Recently, we have created a variant of the methodology for disabled children, who, as a rule, have secondary neuroticism due to the prevailing circumstances.

* Autism - painful self-absorption, poor contact or lack of contact with the outside world.

The technique of dramatic psycho-elevation (we already wrote about the meaning of this term at the beginning of the book, in the chapter “Don’t ask for pears from the poplar”) is a complex effect on neurotic children using a variety of theatrical techniques: sketches, games, specially given situations in which the child experiences difficulties in life and which, ultimately, are reflected in his psyche.

One of our main principles is not the treatment of a single symptom or a set of symptoms, but an attempt to penetrate deeper, to look into the soul of a child, to understand what causes these symptoms, where is the “breakdown”, what is given specific child hinders life? We call this the identification of a pathological dominant.

We work with children different ages: four to fourteen.

It is a pity that we do not yet have a video camera, and we cannot capture the truly magical transformation that children give us as parting. One, having come to us, stuttered so terribly that his speech seemed to be a continuous lowing, and now he speaks almost smoothly, with barely noticeable rare stutters. The other looked dumb at all (this is called "selective mutism"), and no force could make him speak, and in the last lesson he literally does not close his mouth. The girl, who was unable to concentrate on anything, sat with an absent look and at the most interesting moments could turn away or step aside, now she is fascinated looking at the screen ...

Children do not know that they have come to us for treatment, and this is also one of the most important principles of our work. Firstly, as we already wrote in the chapter “Laurels on credit”, it is necessary to say as little as possible about shortcomings, vices, and defects. Even more so when we are talking about such a delicate area as the psyche, and the psyche is already traumatized. And secondly, children, especially small ones, often do not realize their mental deviations as something that prevents them from living. And sometimes - subconsciously, of course - they don’t even want to recover, valuing increased care from adults. You can be capricious, you can not go to school, you can ask for an expensive toy - they will do everything for you, because you are sick. And if you get well, you will have to pore over the lessons, make the bed, stay alone at home. Therefore, our children believe that when they come to us, they learn to be artists, play puppet show. Experience will tell you that this motive works flawlessly. Even thirteen-fourteen-year-old boys, whose mustaches begin to break through and their voice breaks, peck at this bait. However, why be surprised if for many adults acting is a secret dream of a lifetime?

We were not the first to come up with the idea of using theatrical means in psychotherapy. Here is a brief "history".

In 1940, Jacob Levi Moreno (1927–1974), a native of Romania, founded the Institute of Sociometry and Psychodrama in America. The psychiatrist Moreno noticed that the improvement that occurred in the patient in the greenhouse conditions of the clinic quickly fades away when the patient returns to his traumatic everyday life. Again exacerbation - again clinic. And so on ad infinitum...

Moreno decided to reproduce in the clinic the very situations that most traumatized his patients, and for this he created a special medical theater, which he called psychodrama. Doctors, along with patients and their relatives, wrote enough simple scripts and put on a play together. The auditorium also consisted of patients, relatives and medical personnel.

This method has given very good results in a number of cases. Moreno got followers in different countries especially in Western Europe. Gradually, a special branch emerged - puppet therapy. Now it is practiced in many countries: in Germany, in England, in the Netherlands, in France. In our country, until recently, no one has been involved in psychodrama, let alone puppet therapy, since this was considered a bourgeois trend in science.

Our method of dramatic psychoelevation resembles psychodrama only in formal terms: we also use theatrical means. Our differences are much more significant than the similarities.

To begin with, we always write the scripts ourselves, giving children the opportunity to impromptu, but only where we consider it necessary. There is no hospital-clinic, but there is a small room in a hospitable Moscow library. Living (a theatrical term) of specific traumatic situations, which is the basis of psychodrama, is for us only the first, as it were, upper layer. We are convinced that much more significant results can be achieved by dressing patients' problems in an allegorical, metaphorical form. Especially if the patients are children.

For example, we had a boy from Armenia who survived an earthquake, and survived it in the very epicenter - in Leninakan. He got lost, couldn't find his mother for several days... You don't have to be an expert to imagine the state he was in when he came to us. The whole “gentleman's set” was evident (and on the face!): fears, insomnia, tearfulness, aggressiveness, irritability. At the slightest excitement, he became crimson.

It would seem that, if guided by the principles of classical psychodrama, it was necessary to give Vitya A. (that was the name of this poor eight-year-old) the opportunity to play the horrors he experienced in reality again and again. A great many psychologists who specialize in the aftermath of disasters would find this very useful.

But we "went the other way." Without ever mentioning the earthquake in any connection, we followed the boy with particular attention during the theatrical game, where the heroes of the fairy-tale island were forced to flee the flood. Moreover, the plot was modeled by us in such a way that Vitin, the puppet hero, emerged from the courageous struggle with the elements as the absolute leader-winner, securing salvation not only for himself, but also for the rest of the characters in the game.

And we created similar situations in every lesson.

Three weeks later, Vitya was unrecognizable. It is interesting that, having become stronger mentally, he himself, without the slightest prompting on our part, was eager to show his terrible Leninakan experience on the screen.

And, finally, the most important thing is the cardinal difference, which, nevertheless, we will say just a few words, since it is mainly of interest to specialists. Psychodrama is based on psychoanalysis. In our work, we, of course, take into account the “lower floors” of the personality, but we never discuss this with children and even try not to exaggerate such topics very much in conversations with parents. We have already written about the traditional modesty of Russian culture (chapter "The Bitter Fruits of Enlightenment"). Here we will only say that public fixation on sexual trauma (terminology adopted in psychoanalysis) can only cause repeated trauma to our children.

Proceeding from this, we rely precisely on the "upper floors" of the personality, on consciousness and superconsciousness. The experience of our work has shown that an elevated, elevated personality subsequently successfully copes with its “lower classes” on its own.

Now, again very briefly, about how our work is built. It consists of two stages.

The first stage is conditionally called "Therapeutic Studies" and lasts almost three weeks, during which we manage to conduct eight classes. Much attention is paid to work at home, where children, together with their parents, rehearse the scenes that we ask them. Although the work is carried out in a group, from the second lesson the children receive individual tasks from us, that is, they follow an individual program.

All classes are held together with parents, and parents are not just present, but are actively involved in what is happening. And very often as a result joint activities, the joint theatricalization of dad and mom for the first time really understand how hard it is for their sick child, and learn how to help him smartly. By the way, the parents of such children often need help themselves, because genetics plays an important role in mental disorders. According to our deepest conviction (and not only ours!), neurosis arises and develops in the family, and therefore it should also be treated in the family.

At the first stage, the pathological dominant is distinguished, which we have already mentioned. And it is not the elimination, not the eradication of vice or vices that begins, but an increase in their level (see the chapter “Do not ask for pears from the poplar”). Schematically, this can be expressed as follows: a vice - a small weakness - a virtue.

Let's say high aggressive child almost every day he comes home from school with bruises and an entry in his diary. He does not give anyone a descent, throwing himself into a fight over any nonsense. As an intermediate result, it can be achieved that aggressiveness will manifest itself much less often and in milder forms. And ideally, such a child, with proper work, will turn into a defender of the “humiliated and insulted”, that is, he will fight with those hooligans who offend the weak. The fighting spirit inherent in him by nature, as it were, changes the vector, is ennobled.

Classes are usually very fun. Children, encouraged by us in every possible way, are more and more eager to improve in “acting skills” (it is literally impossible to take them home after two hours of hard work!) And they are looking forward to the second stage, as the highest award.

The second stage is a healing performance.

Many healthy adults want to be on stage, but can you imagine how a sick child who is in dire need of hypercompensation craves this?! For such a top of the path traveled, of course, will be a performance to which he will invite relatives and friends. We are much more important than rehearsals, where children live out the roles given to them, not realizing (or guessing very vaguely) that we did not give them these roles by chance. Some guys get several roles at once, and it happens, on the contrary, that we distribute one role between two, three, or even four “artists”. Parents also take part in the performance, and, of course, we think over their roles no less than children's. Our tasks are fundamentally different from those set by a professional director, so we do not fixate on the technique of puppetry and other professional aspects. We are interested in the psychotherapeutic side of the matter.

Rehearsals last about a month, sometimes a month and a half. The participants in the performance make puppets, scenery, costumes and other attributes themselves. We often invite a real director who, under our guidance, not only rehearses, but also engages in acting training with children that is feasible and useful for them. Children, having passed the first stage, as a rule, already look quite well and are able to cope with rather complex tasks.

At the second stage, we continue, already at a deeper level, work with the pathological dominant. And here we can observe a very interesting paradox. It would seem that if you bring some negative trait to a caricature, that is, relatively speaking, give a person prone to meanness the role of an inveterate scoundrel, he, this person, getting used to the role, will only become even worse.

But for some reason, it is the aggravation, caricature of the type in the play that leads to liberation from the natural neurotic type. (Of course, such a paradoxical effect is possible only through an artistic image and only if the role is chosen correctly, and it can be chosen correctly only by a specialist psychotherapist.)

So, by the end of the second stage, the dominant personality emerges through the type. And even the face (personality projection) is transformed. This can be compared to a caterpillar, which must first pupate in order to turn into a butterfly. And then, while soaring, the butterfly leaves on the ground a shell that it no longer needs - a cocoon. Great model of psychoelevation! The same thing happens with a strengthened, winged soul.

Experience shows that in cases of true neurosis (the fact is that neurosis can often be confused with more serious mental disorders, including schizophrenia), two stages, and sometimes one, is enough for complete healing.

You will learn more about the "white crows" and what to do with them, guided by the method of dramatic psychoelevation, in the second part of this book.

I.
Book
for difficult
parents

Foreword
As you remember, Anna Karenina begins with the aphorism: “All happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” The same can be said about children: all good, obedient children are good in the same way, but each difficult child is difficult in his own way. And indeed, one is stubborn, the other is lazy, the third is rude, the fourth is shy ... That's just the same question, complaining, ask the mother: - And why is he like that? Do not know. The mother of a difficult child, as a rule, does not know what to do with him.
It seems to be obvious: if a child is lazy, it is necessary to make him industrious. If stubborn - accommodating. If greedy - kind. In a word, make the bad good. So the goal is clear! True, it is not clear how to achieve it ... It is difficult with them, with these difficult children. You persuade - they don’t obey, you raise your voice - they don’t react, you shout - they burst into tears ... well, and physical punishments - God forbid, this is unpedagogical! And here, as if it were a sin, life went on in such a way that sometimes you want to not only slap, but sometimes kill. The totalitarian past is shameful, the democratic present is somehow fake, a bright future ... a bright future, according to our experts, is generally a complete darkness: prices will rise, and the standard of living, accordingly, will fall, mortality will rise and fall (although where can we fall further?) birth rate, rising unemployment will follow a decline in production, and an increase in crime will lead to the final decline of culture. (Who will go to the theater in the evening? - Scary ...) In short, every dirty trick will only grow, and the good will fall.
Some kind of mystical picture of universal evil emerges, just like in the book of the fashionable writer Przybyszewski at the beginning of the century, The Synagogue of Satan. And you inside this “world evil” are no longer a small planetary system with its own, albeit small, but order, but a chaotic Brownian particle that is confusedly poking around in a suddenly collapsed, at once atomized society.
Essentially, it is a situation of chronic stress. All life is a complete shock, a continuous shaking ... And then there is a child ... How out of time, how inappropriate!
But he didn't ask to be born. It is not his fault that you decided to bring him into the world here and now. And he doesn't have to answer for it. Ill-mannered, stubborn, lazy, capricious - difficult ... Well, what to do with him ?!
And with you? What to do with you - gloomy, irritable, tired, indifferent, always in a hurry and always busy? What is your child to do with you? How to protect yourself from your chronic dissatisfaction with life?
In our essays, of course, we will talk about children. But children are, in the language of mathematics, a derivative. Derived from you, because you produced them.
But we will talk about you, maybe even more than about children. After all, to be honest, the tone of relations in the family is still set by the parents, not the children. And even if the child is a tyrant, and his parents are obedient slaves, they allowed it, he allowed such a balance of power!
In general, we want to help parents who have a hard time raising children who have difficulty building their relationship with them. Relationship difficulties are often experienced by difficult people. Therefore, we decided to call our book: "A book for difficult parents."

Irina Medvedeva, Tatyana Shishova, September 1993

R.S. More than two years have passed. Those tendencies that it seemed important to us then to touch upon in connection with the upbringing of children, alas, have not lost their relevance even now. On the contrary, something was further developed, took shape, acquired a more vivid shape.
Therefore, we did not see the need for a major revision, but preferred to give footnotes here and there and add two chapters.

I. M., T. Sh., February 1996
Do not ask for pears from the poplar

How often, future parents not only buy bonnets and vests in advance and come up with a name for their heir, but also create his image.
He will have the same thick and long eyelashes as yours, says the wife.
But for the blue-eyed one to be like you! - continues the husband. - And in general, let there be a girl, Alenka.
Do you want a girl? - the wife is surprised. - Well, so be it. Let there be a girl. But so that with your strong-willed character!
And with your gentle voice, - the husband completes the picture.
This is in the case of a family idyll.
And it happens differently. The woman, left alone and yet deciding to have a child, through angry tears turns to her future son:
- Nothing, we'll live! He will regret it! He will come, he will beg for forgiveness, and you will close the door in front of him! .. Or no, not like that ... We are walking down the street, you hold my arm, and I can barely reach your shoulder. And he goes to meet: old, useless, tattered ... He sees me and asks: “Who is this?” And I say, "Son." - "Our son?" - "No, my son!" And we pass without looking back...
For some reason, in these vengeful pictures, the son necessarily appears. And of course, before he was born, he was already a young man. And definitely tall and broad-shouldered. A sort of knight Lancelot or - to be in the spirit of the times - Arnold.
But the long-awaited day comes, and a girl is born. Yes, even ugly, and even with asthmatic attacks. And with a very heavy character.
And the castle in the air with many loopholes collapses overnight. And the unexpected girl will never understand why, instead of love, she evokes a mixture of pity and irritation in her mother. The child grows and the irritation grows. It would seem, what's the matter? After all, you take care of him - and you seem to get used to it, become attached ... This is on the one hand. On the other hand, it grows, and the picture becomes more and more distinct. A picture of a fatal discrepancy between reality and that old dream ... And the work on alteration begins. Well, the floor is still okay, there's nothing to be done about it. The eye color doesn't change either. But then let it be a ballerina! They didn’t accept me at one time, they said: “The legs are a little short!” And she should!
An interesting detail: lamenting that the daughter did not inherit the desired eye color, the mother does not notice that the daughter just inherited short legs unsuitable for ballet.
As for the modeling of character, it is not at all customary to question it. A child is wax, clay, a clean slate, and what else is supposed to be said in such cases ... However, “wax” and “clay” turn out to be not at all so obedient! And the stubborn "resistance of the material" finally pisses me off.
This is where the sacramental phrase is pronounced: - He (or she) did not live up to my expectations!
And this is not just a sad confession. This is a verdict that is not subject to appeal. And if so, if it did not live up to expectations, then everything is permitted! You can reproach the child with his ruined life. You can always use as an example a boy from a neighboring apartment or more “successful” younger brother. You can complain about him to your friends in the presence of a child or even drag him to doctors and psychics. "Doctor, do something! He is somehow not so ... Too quiet (or too annoying), too fidgety (too slow), etc. ” And behind the words “something not like that” lies an old claim: not the way I want! I, the creator of my own child!..
But, firstly, is it worth taking away the role of the creator from the Creator? And secondly, even if you, being an atheist, consider yourself and only yourself the creator, then why do you make claims to your creation? Is it to blame for the mistakes of the creator?
Of course, it happens that an artist in a rage disfigures a failed picture, but he simply takes out his evil on it for his failure.
If we go back to the Creator, then he, having created the hare, did not force him to hunt the wolf. And we, by the way, do not expect this from a long-eared coward.
Before we reshape the children's character, let's look at the source material. After all, if we undertake, for example, to alter trousers, then we can’t cut flared trousers out of narrow ones.
Each person has his own resources, opportunities, and they are not unlimited. Their combination, their correlation in many respects has already been determined from the very beginning, from the first months of a child's life. And the task of parents as soon as possible to determine the main, dominant character traits of their children.
This, of course, does not mean that education is meaningless. Of course, something can be developed in a child, and something can be smoothed out, ennobled, made less noticeable. Only - "do not ask for pears from the poplar", as the Spanish proverb says. After all, don’t ask, don’t ask - you still won’t get pears, and it would be better to use the forces spent on meaningless claims for something else. A poplar can grow stunted and crooked, but if you take care of it skillfully, it will become slender beautiful tree. So is man. A mischievous person, no matter how much you scold and punish him, still will not turn into a good boy. But it depends on you whether he grows up as a bully, or even a criminal, or becomes an enterprising organizer of a new business, and at his leisure - the soul of the company. A shy person is the soul of the company, no matter how hard you try, he still won’t, but again it depends on you whether he grows up as a beech and a misanthrope or still learns to communicate with people and no one will say about him: “He was hit with a dust bag.” Shyness (lack) will already be perceived as modesty (dignity).
By the way, even astrologers so popular now distinguish three types of people born under the same sign of the zodiac: lower, middle and higher. In the lower, flaws stick out so much that they turn into vices.
It can be said that proper upbringing This is an increase in the level of this individual. We call it psycho-elevation, the elevation of the soul (“eevare” - in Latin “to rise”, “to ascend”). Working with children, helping them to cope with various psychological difficulties, we never strive to eradicate a deficiency. And we even consider it dangerous!
How much has already been written about natural disasters, to which the most, at first glance, insignificant violation of the environment leads! They took out a small insect - they destroyed a whole forest. What then can be said about man, the most complex, most refined creation of God or Nature?! It is not necessary to eradicate, but to correct, transform and, ultimately, turn a disadvantage into a virtue! And then the stubborn will become stubborn, the upstart - the leader, and the greedy - thrifty.
- Your lips would be to drink honey, - parents will say. - All this is wonderful. But how?
We will try to gradually answer this question. Naturally, this will be our personal view on the problems of education. True, the experience of communicating with parents of difficult children (from 4 to 15 years old) gives us reason to think that our view is not unfounded.
As a rule, we begin conversations with parents with a conversation about the natural constitution of the child. We repeat once again that it is necessary to try to realize it, even if such awareness does not bring you much joy. And it may very well be that this alone will remove the main difficulties that you have when communicating with your child.
Once a fragile, big-eyed boy came to us, looking like King Matt, the hero of Korczak's fairy tale, or like a young aristocrat from the paintings of English artists of the 19th century. He was not confident in himself, he was afraid of many things, and even at the age of 12 he never stayed at home alone for a minute. Mom, who turned to us with complaints about his oddities, already contrasted sharply with him by her very appearance. Big, noisy, lively, she tirelessly repeated that she did not understand where she had such a child from, because his father, who died in a plane crash, was a daredevil, a hero, a test pilot. Early widowed, this woman only consoled herself with the fact that the boy would repeat his father. But he did not repeat it - neither outwardly nor inwardly, so that love for her son fought in her soul with indignation and even slight contempt for this unmanly character. long and different ways we tried to let her know that Tolya - the way he is - is also worthy of respect and even pride. Fortunately, in the end we succeeded. And the boy, just when they stopped expecting supermanship beyond his strength, overcame his fears. And now she not only stays at home alone, but also goes on difficult trips with overnight stays with the guys, which, of course, mother, of course, could not even dream of *.
But there are cases when the strangeness of a child causes such hostility that one does not want to delve into this strangeness. It is customary for us to talk a lot about the blind maternal love and not accepted at all - about hostility. Rather, it is accepted, but rather in a criminal, and not in psychological aspect. Before the mind's eye, the villain immediately appears, who is shamefully deprived of parental rights. However, in life this occurs much more often and is far from always associated with villainy. There are cases of psychological incompatibility. It happens that the child is a “copy of the father”, and the father abandoned it. And sometimes, the child interfered with personal happiness. Is there anything that happens in life?
And, as a rule, parents (especially the mother) are embarrassed even to tell the truth to themselves. Or they say, but with some kind of hysterical despair: “Yes, I don’t like it, but I can’t help it!” And as proof, they cite the saying: “You won’t be forced to be nice.”
Not loving your child is a big problem. Not to fight with your dislike is a huge, terrible guilt. The same question arises: what to do? Without knowing the people, without knowing the circumstances, it is quite difficult to advise something specific in absentia. And still...

Before starting classes with children, we always ask parents to fill out special questionnaires. In these questionnaires, in particular, there is a question: “Do you often tell a child that he is handsome, a hero, a talent, etc.?” At first we were surprised, but now we are used to the fact that this question is answered, as a rule, in the negative or semi-negatively, for example: “No, not often. Praise, but in moderation. Praise only for the cause. Interestingly, our next question: “How does the child react to this?” - almost invariably follows the answer: “He loves very much. Rejoices. He is happy when he is praised.
That is, it turns out that parents know, see how the child craves praise, but they are in no hurry to satisfy this thirst. Why?
- Well, how? parents answer. - You praise - he will turn up his nose.
Or:
- Why praise when there is nothing to praise!
Or:
He knows very well that it's not true. The child very much even feels a lie!
And we are already accustomed to the bewilderment of moms and dads when they hear from us that children should not just be praised, but praised often, exaggeratedly and not always for the cause.
- But we read and heard something completely different! they object.
- And you try, - we say. - Try it and see for yourself.
Indeed, in our words there is much, at first glance, controversial and unusual. The generally accepted point of view boils down to the fact that one should not often praise, exaggeratedly - all the more, and even from scratch - this is completely nonsense. Even if the girl is really beautiful and polite guests exclaim: “Oh, what a beauty!”, The flattered mother, nevertheless, cuts off the enthusiasm with the words: “Don’t be with the child, it’s not pedagogical.” But it is considered quite pedagogical as often as possible and in as much detail as possible to point out to the child his shortcomings, bad habits, failures. Of course, with a good purpose (who argues?): so that he corrects his shortcomings, gets rid of bad habits.
And now try to remember: do you, adults, want to improve when you, even if rightly, are pointed out to your bad qualities? Or maybe you rather want to match not very fair, but praise?
At the same time, it would never occur to anyone to deny that a woman withers, fades, fades without compliments. A smart wife he will never forget both in private and in public once again to praise his far from ideal husband for his golden hands, bright head or unprecedented courage. The stupid one will, like a parrot, repeat from morning to night about his mediocrity and laziness, and then be surprised that he got drunk, goes to the side, or even left home.
And these are adults who have already formed self-esteem! What to say about the child?! After all, he still has no or almost no experience of self-affirmation: he did not take exams, did not receive an increase in salary for good work, they did not turn to him for advice as an excellent specialist. And finally, no one has ever declared love to him!
A child who does not yet know himself and his capabilities, to a much greater extent than an adult, depends on the assessment of others. Maybe that's why children love diplomas, pennants, badges and awards so much? Such distinctions give them a tangible, real confirmation of their viability, stimulate them to new achievements. (And you shouldn’t think that this property is only for our children. Nothing like that! In the popular American animated series DuckTales, the little duck Ponochka is very worried that Uncle Scrooge’s nephews have many badges of honor, and she has only one, and even that one is for swimming .)
As for accusations and denunciations, it is better to minimize them. It will certainly be more difficult for a child to cope with his laziness if he hears every day that he is lazy. Every day, and even a hundred times a day! It turns out that laziness is his chronic condition, a defect. And calling on him to work is just as futile and, in a sense, tactless, as, for example, calling on a one-eyed man to look both ways.
Moreover, do not forget that "call" and "call names" are the same root words. You think you're naming a flaw when you say "lazy" and the child hears it as an insult! One three-year-old boy reproached his mother: “Ai-ai-ai, all the toys are on the floor! Is it possible to be such a slut?” He exclaimed offendedly: “Why are you teasing me?”
The tearing off of all and all kinds of masks is in general an occupation that is far from always noble and always ungrateful. We, working with children, even allow them to literally cover their faces. cardboard masks or hide behind a theater screen.
If you wish well for your child, help him build protective mask. Let it be made of good materials - from its merits. Otherwise, he blinds this mask himself, and even then don’t look for it if it is from anything. For example, he will mask his natural shyness with rudeness, and not with the ability to smile charmingly (which you can teach him by saying that he has beautiful teeth, charming dimples on his cheeks, etc.).
In no case should the protective mask be confused with the mask of hypocrisy. After all, everyone wears some kind of mask. Starting with cosmetics, which are designed to emphasize the natural virtues of the face and hide natural flaws. And ending with social roles and games in which all of humanity is involved (see Eric Berne's books "Games People Play" and "People Who Play Games").
In our work, we have repeatedly encountered the fact that the most difficult children outwardly seem to be the most prosperous, and we have to guess for a long time where the dog is buried. Such children, as a rule, develop, without waiting for intelligent help from their parents, their own pathological form of protection, and it is much more difficult to replace the mask that has already adhered to their skin with another one - a beautifying, rather than deforming personality.
This is closely related to the theme of the previous essay "Do not ask for pears from the poplar." Having understood the peculiarities of the child's psychophysical constitution, emphasize in him his real virtues! And then sometimes it comes to the point of absurdity. Mother of Volodya T., the boy who free time spent on reading (the dream of so many parents!), was interested in history, philosophy and even theology, spoke about his hobbies with a contemptuous smile, considering them nonsense and nonsense. And, on the contrary, she demanded that the boy devote all his free time to algebra, which he hated. Mom was a programmer, and she couldn’t understand how her son was not able to solve a simple algebraic problem. As a result, the boy developed a whole complex of neurotic reactions. He, by nature, good-natured and meek, suffered outbursts of aggression, was rude, broke objects, hated those around him, quarreled with his family, and even talked about suicide. Algebra, of course, he did not master.
In the classroom, of course, we first of all drew the attention of children and parents (and, above all, Volodya's mother!) to his philological abilities. We admired his vast philosophical knowledge beyond his years. Often, in front of everyone, his opinion was asked on this or that humanitarian issue. And they even asked to bring books to read, which we supposedly would never have got without his help. At first, accustomed to being despised for precisely this, he reacted to our praise with suspicion, wariness, almost hostility. Gradually, we managed to win his trust, and the boy began to transform before our eyes. And when Volodin’s mother, having heeded our persuasion, told him that it was quite possible to live without algebra and you shouldn’t strain so much, the boy’s reaction was at first glance paradoxical: he sat down and independently solved the problem over which he and his mother fought for two days! The tension was relieved, the neurotic fear of failure disappeared, and it turned out that although Volodya was not Lobachevsky, school algebra was quite accessible to him.
And here we come to perhaps the most difficult aspect of this essay. The fact is that Volodya was not Karamzin and Kant either. His unconditional humanitarian interests were not of a bright creative nature. And our praises were not just exaggerated, but extremely exaggerated. We are not at all sure that in the future he will become a philologist or historian. But we are convinced that it is very useful for a person to “give laurels on credit”. It's like a car, first you need to properly refuel with gasoline, and then set off on the road. So do not spare "gasoline", lavishing praise on the child! Without this fuel, he will not go far.
Well, well, in the case of Volodya, there was still something to cling to. But to praise from scratch?! This, it would seem, is sheer nonsense! Yes, sometimes nonsense, and sometimes a witty pedagogical device. For example, your son is a coward. Most of all, he is afraid to walk the dark streets. Tell him he's brave? It's too unbelievable, you won't believe it. But if a mother walks with her son along a dark street, holding his hand tightly, and at the same time says: “You know, when I am with you, I am not afraid of anything,” there is hope for good changes. Of course, this is not the only thing to do in such cases, but it is also very useful!
Perhaps, here we dare to recall not quite a decent anecdote. The absent-minded cosmonaut has forgotten his call signs and is signaling this to the mission control center.
Land! Land! Who am I? Land? Land? Who am I?
And they answer him:
...a! You are the Falcon!
Probably, it is better not to formulate our educational principle.
This does not mean that the child should only be praised and in no case should comments be made. It is absolutely necessary, without this there is no education either. But dosage and form are important. You can say:
- Ai-ai-ai, what a slut you are! I scattered the toys again.
And it is possible in another way:
- What a beautiful palace you have built! Like a real architect! Now, if you still collect the designer in a box, I will be happy.
Remember: the word contains not only informative and not only emotional meaning. The word has magical power. It creates this or that reality. A well-known example: a hypnotized person is told that they will touch him, now his back with a red-hot iron, but they touch him with a finger. But a blister pops up on his skin, as if from a severe burn. The influence of parents on a child is quite comparable to the power of a hypnotist. A child, in turn, can be compared to a house with many, many windows. What property will you call out - this, and it will look out. Try to call out the good more often and do not wake up the bad with unnecessary cries! "Don't wake dashing while dashing sleeps."
One hand punishes, the other has mercy

Have you got the impression that no matter how children stand on their heads, they still need to be praised to the skies?
No, of course, it is impossible to raise a child without comments, prohibitions and punishments. And parental love is least of all similar to the absent-minded tenderness of a kind-hearted old man, who is touched by literally everything, if only someone's young life, someone's existence flashed before his eyes and warmed the senile blood.
How many such pictures immediately pop up before my eyes! The girl came to visit people who bought expensive grapes in the market especially for her. She scatters grapes on the floor, and her parents, as if not noticing the horror on the faces of the owners, laugh heartily...
Or, on the contrary, the master's son flies into a room full of adults and even elderly people, and unceremoniously declares:
- Guys! Stop talking nonsense! Come to my room, I'll show you my new car!
And the mother, instead of making him at least a remark, later tells her friends what a lively and precocious boy she has: just like that, easily, she communicates with adults!
- I have no complexes, - she adds. - And this is the main thing. Will be happier.
That is, in other words: let him grow up as an egoist, a boor, a beast, if only he was happy.
Parents who think this way are wrong at least three times. Firstly, their selfless parental love is unlikely to stand the test of time: it will be very difficult for them to love a grown beast. Secondly, from a cozy family circle, a child very quickly finds himself in a world where there are no forgiving parents: to kindergarten, school, and then further ... And everywhere he will be hated. Can a person surrounded by hatred be happy?.. And, finally, the most important thing and, at first glance, the most surprising. A child who is allowed everything is unhappy even in childhood! It seems to be a paradox, but it is true. Watch a spoiled child. Every now and then he is capricious, every now and then he changes and increases his demands. As if on purpose he runs into a refusal. We have the impression that he is subconsciously looking for the boundary of what is permitted, which his parents do not point him to. And in the boundless space of permissiveness, where there are no guidelines and therefore nothing to cling to, he is terribly uncomfortable. You will say: completely confused the head! Either the child must be praised from morning till night, then it is necessary to punish ... What to believe?
Let's try to explain. You praise the child, letting him know that he is getting closer and closer to the desired perfection. You reprimand, scold or punish him, as if demonstrating that you are shocked by his sudden departure from perfection. The child should feel: you are angry not because he is bad, as always, but because he - so wonderful, smart, brave, etc. - suddenly shocked you with a discrepancy with his usual appearance.
If your child does not tolerate criticism, reacts painfully to comments, we strongly advise you to think: do you praise him often enough, elevate him in his own eyes? This is usually objected to:
- What do you! He is enthralled with us, caressed.
And we answer that each person not only has his own rate of sugar consumption or the degree of fatigue, but also his own, individual need for encouragement. V this case don't compare yourself. A person's age is often inversely proportional to the need for affection.
But back to punishment. Talking with parents, we were repeatedly convinced that there is a dangerous confusion regarding punishments, and it is connected with a gross violation of the hierarchy of punishments. Almost no one doubts that there is nothing worse than corporal punishment. Say, you can’t even touch a child with a finger. But you can not talk to him all day. And although our opinion on this issue is contrary to the generally accepted, we still dare to assert: there is no harmless punishment than a sincere slap, and there is no punishment more terrible than a deliberate, methodical boycott. Naturally, we do not call for whipping a child with rods or “pulling it off” with a belt buckle. And a slap in the face is a very insulting, and therefore unacceptable punishment. But to slap a child on the ass or lightly (!) On the lips, if he is rude and foul language, is, as they say, a holy deed.
Of course, it is best to use this in early childhood when the child still understands the words a little. Then by the age of 4-5, in most cases, it is enough just to say in a stern voice:
- Nu that, you slap?
And the incident is over.
In old novels one could often come across the exclamation:
- I am the most unfortunate person! The whole world has turned its back on me!
The child's world is you, his parents, his family. Therefore, when you stop talking to him, he, of course, will not exclaim so beautifully and pathetically, but he will have this feeling: the whole world has turned away from him. This heavy artillery should be used, in our opinion, in the most extreme cases, when the rest of the arsenal of punishments has been tried to no avail.
It is very useful, of course, to punish with the deprivation of something, some favorite foods, objects and entertainment. However, it is important not to fall into another mistake here. Often parents are afraid to deprive the child of the most precious thing for him, believing that this is too cruel, and then they are surprised that the punishment does not work. But they have only deprived him of what he can do without! What is this punishment?
I want to talk about another popular misconception. It is customary to assert that parents should act as a “united front” in matters of raising children. The absence of this unity is regarded as a vice. Ah, you are kind with us, you always forgive him, no exactingness ... I say one thing, and you another ?! If I punish, you must support me!
Of course, parents should be united in the main thing: in ideas about good and evil, about what is black and what is white. For example, if a mother says that it is wrong to steal, it is wrong for a father to say that stealing is a virtue. But if the mother put the child in a corner, he had already stood there for some time, and, apparently, this greatly saddened him, the father would be right, who would regret the punished child. No, he, of course, will not question the authority of the mother, will not say that she is bad, evil, cruel! He will not say that the fault is insignificant, and therefore unworthy of punishment. Agreeing with the justice of punishment, he will regret it anyway.
What do we do when we quarrel with a husband (wife)? We call a friend, we go to “sit with the guys”, we just go to work! In short, adults have this or that outlet. And where should the child go? To whom will he complain of his suffering? After all, he suffers, even if he knows that he is punished for the deed. The invincible complex of parents is unbearable. And our goal is not to torture the child!
It is only important to ensure that the roles of punishing and pardoning are not fixed. Today mom will punish, and dad will regret. And tomorrow it's the other way around. It is very natural when a grandmother regrets. And don't blame her for it. So it was at all times. And the consolidation of the roles of punishing and merciful is dangerous not only because the child will be afraid or even hate a harsh parent. The danger lies in the fact that a compassionate father (or mother) begins to assert himself at the expense of an evil, bad mother (or father). And one day the child will also try to form a complex - with good parent against evil. And the war will gradually flare up, and the family is now almost the only stronghold of the world ...
On the benefits of unscrupulousness

Since we mentioned “war and peace” in the previous chapter, the word “compromise” somehow jumps out by itself from the modern political lexicon. And perhaps that is why today's politics terrifies us so much with wars and makes us so little happy with peacekeeping successes, because our statesmen have learned the word "compromise", but they do not feel what is behind it. It's not that they don't understand, but they don't feel. They have not formed an incentive for mutual concessions. And this is quite understandable: a society dominated by the "order-submission" system did not favor compromises.
It would seem that different times have come, and people already understand that “agreement” and “agreement” are not quite the same thing. However, when it comes to education, the words “principles”, “principles” come to the fore. I basically don’t allow my son to watch TV after nine in the evening ... But I don’t buy good things for my own: she’s a slob.
In fairness, we note that men especially do not like to “compromise principles”. They complain about the compliance of their wives in relations with children as a vice. It is she who indulges him, I never!
Here is a very common dialogue:
Father: Petya, go home!
Petya: Dad, I'll play a little more...
Father: Go home, they tell you!
Petya: Dad, please! .. Five more minutes ...
Father: No.
Petya: Well, just a minute!
Father (with proud pathos): I said "no" - that means no!
It is interesting that the child in this dialogue gives the father a model of correct human relations. But the father, alas, does not perceive this lesson. Look: Petya asks to give him five minutes first. Having received a refusal, he agrees for one minute. But the father is proud of his principles. What is there to be proud of, though? A manifestation of senseless, absurd power over a child who, for obvious reasons, is at the mercy of his parents? What will change if Petya stays outside for another five minutes? Since he asks to extend the time of the walk, it means that he is well on the street, having fun. And so he goes home with a roar, with his head down, and the charge of negative emotions completely "eats" all the positive ones. If this happens regularly (and in families where they even sneeze "in principle", it happens), then the penny self-affirmation of the parents comes at the expense of suppressing the will of the child, and therefore at the expense of his mental health.
By the way, a curious feature: for some reason, very often parents show uncompromisingness in trifles, but they are very loyal to the violation of basic principles. And of course there are such principles. Don't kill, don't steal, honor your parents, don't worship idols... These principles are called commandments, and there aren't very many of them: ten. The commandment is a strict prohibition, a taboo, and it does not require explanation. For example, it is very difficult to explain to a child why it is not good to steal (especially since stealing can now be called business, free enterprise, management, etc.). A child has no money, but adults have a whole bunch! What's wrong if he takes just a little, for ice cream (for chewing gum, for chocolate)? Try to explain - and sooner or later you will come to an irritated answer: You can't, because you can't! Or: That's the way it is!
And - an amazing thing: children understand this very well!
In all other respects, it seems to us, the less adherence to principles, the better. Today the child went to bed on time, and tomorrow, if he really wants to watch an interesting movie, let him go to bed a little later. He asked to buy gum, and you said no, even though you actually had money for it. Feel free to walk back ten steps and buy it, this unfortunate chewing gum. Nothing, your credibility will not fall from this!
After all, there are so many cases in life when we have to say “no” to a child, not for educational reasons, but because we really cannot fulfill his request! In addition, petty bans devalue the major ones we just talked about.
And further. With petty prohibitions, you unwittingly provoke a child to do bad deeds. The temptation of a gum that you did not buy is so great for him that he may not be able to resist and steal money from you. He wants so much to take a break from school sometimes that if you do not let him stay at home, he will try to feign illness. And if the attempt succeeds, he will use it constantly. And there are many such examples.
- But what about discipline, regime?! - you will be indignant.
And how many adults like strict discipline? Do you always eat right on time or do you prefer to eat when you're hungry? And you probably go to bed not after the chiming clock, but as you get tired.
A strict regime is actually appropriate in the barracks, where there are much more subordinates than superiors, and the latter must somehow manage the former.
But what is really important is that the compromise is mutual. It is important, first of all, because in this way you give the child the stereotypes of correct human relations. He gets used not to submit or, on the contrary, to push around, but to make concessions, moreover, mutual concessions. The main thing is to make it a habitual style of relationship, and not wait for an extraordinary event. If you look at it, our whole life consists of compromises.
We very often hear parents complain that a preschool child requires constant attention, and they do not have time to do anything at home. This topic is especially close to us, because we ourselves mainly work at home. You sit at the desk, trying to concentrate, and the child, as if on sin, wants to play. And not alone, but with my mother. You can, of course, drive him into another room, but it will still be impossible to work because of his offended, loud crying. You can postpone your affairs, but then the same story will repeat itself tomorrow. How to make sure that both the wolves are fed and the sheep are safe?
Try giving your child a sheet of paper and a pencil and let him sit next to you, but on the condition that you do not distract you with chatter. Of course, you still have to be distracted: either he will show you a drawing, or he will ask you to draw a dog ... Of course, you will also sacrifice something, but he also made a sacrifice, agreeing to play quietly and alone!
Probably, it is not worth dwelling on the fact that the initiative for a compromise and its content should come from you.
It is very useful not to rush at full speed to fulfill the request of the child, but to ask him to wait a bit, marking the boundaries of this expectation: now, just take the dishes home ... wait a minute, I haven’t finished my tea yet, etc. This also teaches children to compromise because by nature they are impatient.
It is extremely important to use the give and take system when you are punishing a child. This is where principle is least appropriate!
Let's look at some specific case. A four-year-old boy does not want to share a chocolate bar with his sister, but demands that only he get everything. Cries, screams, stamps his feet. Someone in such a case will convince the older sister to give in to the screaming baby. Someone, on the contrary, will be indignant:
- Ah well? Come on, Mashenka, eat everything yourself, since he is such a greedy man!
Both of these options seem to us non-pedagogical. In the first case, you encourage greed and willfulness, in the second, you inflict severe injury on the boy. We would do so. By giving a stern expression to the face, they would say:
If you don't want to share, you won't get anything at all. Get out of here!
And put the child out the door. Most likely, he would burst into tears and soon, squelching his nose, would enter the room.
- Well, little one, have you changed your mind about being greedy?.. Of course! I know you are good. It got something on you.
He snores in agreement.
“Then,” you continue, “go and ask Masha for forgiveness.
But he is not ready for this. Many children generally find it very difficult to ask for forgiveness verbally. And you shouldn't insist on it!
- Okay, - you make another concession, - we will ask together now. Mashenka, come to us! Petya is very ashamed, he asks your forgiveness and gives you your share.
With these words, you give Masha her half, and Petya - his.
If Petya is now content with his soul mate without noise, you connect to " educational process» Masha.
- Mashenka, since Petya is such a hero, please give him another small piece.
And when dad comes, you loudly, so that Petya can hear, talk about Petya's unheard-of generosity, about what a feat he accomplished today by sharing chocolate with Masha.
By the way, about the angry face. This is another example of a mask. Masks that emphasize and exaggerate emotion. We believe that this is useful for many reasons, and in particular because children, especially young children, respond more strongly to visuals than to sounds.
However, showing anger or resentment should not be seriously angry or offended by the child. After all, he is no match for you and will never, even at sixty years old, become a match, because you fed him with a spoon and wiped his ass. Parents (especially young ones) often fall into this mistake: they take offense at five-year-old children as adults, accumulate their grievances. Mothers cry, fathers are indignant. For 10 - 15 years, they accumulate such a plump account of grievances and claims that a son or daughter turns into eternal debtors of their parents.
As if you did not give the child life, but gave him an unsolicited loan, and even at high interest, and even with the threat of a debt prison for non-repayment!

Lilliput in the side of the Gullivers

We will never forget Misha K. This five-year-old boy, like a crown prince, was surrounded by a crowd of courtiers: grandmother, grandfather and great aunt (grandfather's sister). They warned his every move, every step, every thought. As befits loyal courtiers, they adored him. They could incessantly, interrupting each other, talk about Misha's uniqueness, quote his statements, recall the most insignificant episodes that in their mouths acquired the sound of epic feats. In general, they enjoyed this child, inhaled it like the scent of a rose. Further, the reader almost mechanically draws a banal picture. Everything is clear, the usual story, they spoiled the boy, and now the little tyrant pushes them around.
But the fact of the matter is that Misha was not a tyrant! Neither a tyrant nor a slave, because the slave has a desire for freedom. He was nothing at all. At first we puzzled: what kind of character does this boy have? What does he like? What annoys him? What causes interest, and what - pity? Who is he? We were lost in conjectures until we realized one sad (not to say terrible) thing: in front of us was not a slave, but a doll. Therefore, we could not answer the question: “who is he?” After all, the doll is not “who”, but “what”. We wanted so badly that he would at least once be capricious, misbehave - in short, albeit negatively, but show his will. Alas, Misha was perfectly obedient. You say "go" - go. You say "sit down" - sit down. And if you don’t say it, it will stand like a pillar.
The most terrible thing is that his mechanical obedience did not alarm his grandparents at all. On the contrary, it was precisely from this that they were completely delighted. They were worried about only one thing (they turned to us with this): Misha stuttered. Sometimes slightly, sometimes very noticeable. A small unfortunate breakdown in such a wonderful, such a well-oiled puppet mechanism. Required repair.
When we understood this, we were no longer touched by the ardent love of Misha's relatives. She entangled the boy like a web. Without prompting, he did not even answer his name and how old he was. True, no one gave him the answer himself.
We wanted to see Misha's mother, and then quite strange details came to light. There was no mother in Misha's life. Rather, it was, but only once a week, on Sundays. No, no, she is quite healthy and does not suffer from alcoholism or immoral behavior, grandmothers hurried to reassure us, it’s just not worth devoting her to these matters when there are three such serious adults around the boy. And my mother, they say, is too young, she is only 25, she is, in essence, a child. You never know what she wants to be with her son! Her father, mother and aunt decided that it would be better for the boy with them, three pensioners. After all, they have a lot of free time, which they can devote to their beloved grandson without a trace. And most importantly, unlike Misha's mother, they know how to raise children...
We understood that the child would not be given to the mother. It's decided and signed. For a long time, finally and without us. But since they nevertheless turned to us for help, and we already understood that speech “failures” in this case were only a reflection of a much more serious “breakdown” - a completely suppressed will - we tried to at least slightly ease the pressure from grandparents.
It would be nice to give Misha more independence, - we said, - for example, he can already walk alone in the yard. Under the window, of course.
What do you! - the relatives were horrified, - we will never let him go anywhere alone.
But he's going to school soon.
So what? Thank God, we took his mother to school and college by the hand.
How long? we asked.
Until the registry office! - Followed by a proud answer. - And nothing, she grew up a man. Without any nonsense!
“And without the right to raise your own child,” we thought. And for complete meaninglessness they stopped the conversation.
This, of course, is an extreme case (although in our practice, alas, not a single one). But the so-called overprotection, when parents surround their child with excessive care, is a fairly common phenomenon today.
Why? Most likely for a combination of reasons. On the one side, more women Now they stay at home and take care of the family. On the other hand, the press and television constantly scare us with a monstrous increase in crime. And in general, hyper-custody testifies, in our opinion, to the growth of everyday culture. Maybe it sounds implausible: what kind of culture in such a collapse and chaos? And what kind of overprotection? Snotty boys sell newspapers, wash cars, speculate in gasoline! Right. Some speculate in gasoline, while others are led by the hand to the institute. What can you do? Progressive thinkers have already explained to us that this is called the stratification of society. And that it is very progressive. (It is interesting that those whose offspring study at Harvard, vacation in Malta, or, in extreme cases, attend elite Moscow lyceums, especially promote child labor. But this is so, by the way.)
What do we think parents should keep in mind if they are tempted to coddle their child unnecessarily?
First of all, that they thereby generate and multiply children's fears.
- Wait, wait! That is, as? Protecting the child from dangers, do we sow fears in him?
Well, of course! What does a little boy think about when adults do not let him go a single step? He thinks: What a terrible, terrible, dangerous world this must be! The dog bites, the car crushes, the uncle steals, the aunt gives a poisoned candy, only bandits ring at the door. And even delicious fruits are carriers of deadly bacteria...
It turns out that the whole surrounding world has only one side, one function - aggressive. And the target of these aggressive impulses is he, Small child. It's easy for an adult to go crazy here!
By the way, in Western Europe, a much more innocent experiment was conducted with adults, but its results are also indicative. A cafe with an original interior was opened. The originality lay in the fact that adults, getting into this cafe, found themselves in the position of children. The dimensions of the furniture correlated with the size of an adult in the same way as the dimensions of ordinary furniture - with the size of a five-year-old child. Cafe patrons sank into gigantic armchairs, their feet did not touch the floor, but their hands touched the food on the table. It turned out that this is a very unpleasant feeling, and the cafe was soon empty. Moms and dads were given to understand what it's like for a child in the world of adults. Very, of course, approximately and quite a bit ...
Yes, the child already feels like a midget in the country of Gullivers. And overprotection, of course, exacerbates this painful feeling. After all, if he, a child, is so tirelessly guarded, guarded, controlled, warned, does it mean that he is completely helpless? So, just blow on it - and there will be no wet place left! It should be noted that it is precisely those parents who often turn to us with complaints about children's fears who do not let their son or daughter go a single step. And children's laziness, as a rule, is disturbed by those who do lessons with the child, even in singing. And none of them (at least in our practice) did not occur to change something not in the child, but in their attitude towards him.
Hyper-custody has more long-term unfortunate consequences. However, it's not that far away either.
For example, thoughtless early marriages- just to quickly flutter out from under the stuffy parental wing. But that's not the worst. It has long been known that it is sissies and daughters who, at the first opportunity, indulge in all serious. Well, others - like Misha, whom we talked about at the beginning - remain "puppies until old age", doomed to slavish dependence first from their parents, and then from their wife or husband.
And how they bully a child who, at the age of 10, 11, 12, is taken to school by the hand! Well, try to mentally play such an etude. Your name is Cyril (or Misha, or Vitya - substitute and

Multi-colored "white crows" Medvedeva Irina Yakovlevna

"WHITE CROWS"

Look closely at a large gathering of children. For example, at the Christmas tree show. Take a look at the individual fragments of this living picture called "Happy Childhood".

Here is a boy who stands behind the whole crowd and, convulsively squeezing his mother's hand, looks at the floor. Mom, this way and that, persuades him to take part in the general fun, she herself laboriously has fun to set an example for him ... But in response, he only puffs up and grumbles: "Let's go home, I'm tired."

But the medicine often does not give anything, except for increased drowsiness, and what it means to “be very careful” is most likely not known even by the competent adviser himself. And the confused mother is left alone with her child, exhausting him either with immoderate severity, or with immoderate caress. And the child still cannot find adequate contact with the world and soon, very soon, he will feel like a stranger not only at the New Year's holiday, but also in general "at the celebration of life."

Some children feel the tragedy of their outcast, their outsiderness early. Seven-year-old Vitalik to the question: “How do others see you?” - barely audibly answered: "A boy with his head down."

So we called our first healing play:

"The Story of the Boy with the Head Down".

And if it's not an actor, but a painfully shy child? Maybe a shy person, hiding behind a wall (that is, behind a screen, disguised himself, putting on a mask), not being afraid of being caught, because he will speak on behalf of a doll, will receive a unique opportunity for healing confession? If only we could try to work with nervous children in this way - we thought and immediately laughed at our Manilov dreams ...

Then the Armenian earthquake happened and seriously wounded people were lying in a clinic in Abrikosovsky Lane. And these people, who lost their home, family, legs and arms, motionless, helpless, on the verge of death, oddly enough, remembered that the New Year was coming soon. And on the evening of the 31st, the artist of the Obraztsov Theater Zhenya Seregin arrived at the hospital, taking with him three charming, touching puppets. Deftly managing them, he showed uncomplicated, but also very touching concert numbers.

But the most amazing thing happened after the performance: the adults wanted to say goodbye to the hand puppets! And one girl congratulated the puppet on the New Year and asked Zhenya in surprise:

Listen, why doesn't she answer me?

And our vague guesses grew into a clear confidence, and sluggish dreams - into a desire to act, and decisively.

* Autism - painful self-absorption, poor contact or lack of contact with the outside world.

One of our main principles is not the treatment of a single symptom or a set of symptoms, but an attempt to penetrate deeper, to look into the soul of a child, to understand what caused these symptoms, where is the “breakdown”, what prevents this particular child from living? We call this the identification of a pathological dominant.

We work with children of all ages, from four to fourteen.

Children do not know that they have come to us for treatment, and this is also one of the most important principles of our work. Firstly, as we already wrote in the chapter “Laurels on credit”, it is necessary to say as little as possible about shortcomings, vices, and defects. Especially when it comes to such a delicate area as the psyche, and the psyche is already traumatized. And secondly, children, especially small ones, often do not realize their mental deviations as something that prevents them from living. And sometimes - subconsciously, of course - they don’t even want to recover, valuing increased care from adults. You can be capricious, you can not go to school, you can ask for an expensive toy - they will do everything for you, because you are sick. And if you get well, you will have to pore over the lessons, make the bed, stay alone at home. Therefore, our children believe that when they come to us, they learn to be artists, play puppet theater. Experience will tell you that this motive works flawlessly. Even thirteen-fourteen-year-old boys, whose mustaches begin to break through and their voice breaks, peck at this bait. However, why be surprised if for many adults acting is a secret dream of a lifetime?

We were not the first to come up with the idea of using theatrical means in psychotherapy. Here is a brief "history".

Moreno decided to reproduce in the clinic the very situations that most traumatized his patients, and for this he created a special medical theater, which he called psychodrama. The doctors, together with the patients and their relatives, wrote fairly simple scripts and staged the play together. The auditorium also consisted of patients, relatives and medical personnel.

This method has given very good results in a number of cases. Moreno had followers in different countries, especially in Western Europe. Gradually, a special branch emerged - puppet therapy. Now it is practiced in many countries: in Germany, in England, in the Netherlands, in France. In our country, until recently, no one has been involved in psychodrama, let alone puppet therapy, since this was considered a bourgeois trend in science.

Our method of dramatic psychoelevation resembles psychodrama only in formal terms: we also use theatrical means. Our differences are much more significant than the similarities.

And we created similar situations in every lesson.

Now, again very briefly, about how our work is built. It consists of two stages.

All classes are held together with parents, and parents are not just present, but are actively involved in what is happening. And very often, it is as a result of joint activities, joint theatricalization of father and mother for the first time that they truly understand how difficult life is for their sick child, and they learn to help him intelligently. By the way, the parents of such children often need help themselves, because genetics plays an important role in mental disorders. According to our deepest conviction (and not only ours!), neurosis arises and develops in the family, and therefore it should also be treated in the family.

Let's say a hyper-aggressive child comes home from school almost every day with bruises and a diary entry. He does not give anyone a descent, throwing himself into a fight over any nonsense. As an intermediate result, it can be achieved that aggressiveness will manifest itself much less often and in milder forms. And ideally, such a child, with proper work, will turn into a defender of the “humiliated and insulted”, that is, he will fight with those hooligans who offend the weak. The fighting spirit inherent in him by nature, as it were, changes the vector, is ennobled.

The second stage is a healing performance.

You will learn more about the "white crows" and what to do with them, guided by the method of dramatic psychoelevation, in the second part of this book.

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