Each family has its own foundations. But it is important for any person to become a part of a strong social unit. Who will be able to provide support in difficult moments of life, will give the necessary charge of positive energy and give strength when they are running out. Moreover, for both the older and younger generations, it is so important to maintain a connection, which is possible only with good, well-established relationships in the whole family.

Relationship with new relatives

Very often in young families there are disagreements with the parents of the second half, and in most cases it is the young ones who are to blame. The fact is that parents have their own views on family life and they strive to help their children. Sometimes, even too active. You should not make hasty conclusions here, you should avoid harsh statements. Every word addressed to the spouse's relatives should be thoughtful. In order not to inadvertently offend your soul mate. Even if you do not like one of the newly-made relatives, you do not have to show it zealously, it is enough to reduce communication to a minimum.

Growing generation

When in the first years of marriage, relationships in new family already seem to be adjusted, it is coming new stage not easy trials in the form of adding offspring. Here begins the test of the feelings themselves in a couple and the grinding of versatile views on the upbringing of children from the side of the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. Here you have to find a compromise and sometimes give in in views.

Taking care of the younger generation, man and woman, it is also important not to forget about building your successful interpersonal relationships.

What is happiness built on?

• Not to notice the little things. The wife does not like that the husband again forgets to wash the coffee mug. And the spouse reproaches the half that she forgot to wash his socks. Situations can reach the point of utter absurdity. In such cases, it is best to translate everything into a joke and laugh together. After all, if you think about it, quarrels are born from scratch, and some couples face really terrible difficulties. For example, when one of the spouses is terminally ill or forced to leave the family for a long time.
• Trust each other. Constant suspicions and omissions can destroy even the strongest feelings. After all, it is simply impossible to live in such tension for many years. Therefore, a spouse with a zealous character should learn to cope with his emotions. In order not to provoke constant quarrels in the family.
• Do not neglect male and female responsibilities. Everyone has such periods when one spouse needs to "substitute" for the housework of the other or help temporarily do for him, what he cannot do himself now. For example, when the husband is in the hospital, the wife has to walk with the children, buy groceries and go to work. But the spouse should always be ready to help the spouse around the house or to sit with the children when she is very tired or temporarily does not have such an opportunity.
• Pay attention to each other. Do not forget to be interested in each other's experiences, moods and desires every day. Many couples who have lived together for several decades often complain about the lack of attention and interest from their spouse. But it's so easy to approach your loved one and just ask "how was your day?" After all, if this is not done, sooner or later the half will be able to find a more interested person in his person.
• We are looking for a compromise. Sometimes you need to be able to yield to each other at least in small things. There is one truth true love: if I am happy that you are happy, and if I want you to be even happier, then I will do everything for this, because I love you.

Love, psychological compatibility, spiritual harmony and communicative interaction between parents are considered one of the main factors preventing protracted conflicts. In a relationship where spouses treat each other with love, the relationship between children in the family will be friendly and benevolent, based on love and a sense of belonging to a single whole.

For an interesting look at the problem of family relationships, see the video

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Foreword

The book you are holding in your hands is the third in a series titled by the Nicaea publishing house How to Build Family Happiness? We continue our acquaintance with Christian family psychology, begun in the books "Falling in love, love, dependence" and "Man and woman: from me to us." The previous book ended with a wedding - a good story always ends with a wedding. Many fairy tales, novels and films, where the main characters love each other, end at this most interesting place for us - the heroes finally go down the aisle to unite and live happily ever after. Happy end.

This book, on the other hand, is just beginning with a wedding. For us, the authors, this is the most difficult and important thing - to describe how and from what the marriage is formed and how the family develops, what stages and crises go through. This is necessary to show: the family is movement, development, and not a new stable state, to which you need to get used to and "live, live, make good money." The wedding is not the finish line, I ran and calmed down, this is a start. Everything that happened before, before Mendelssohn's march and the exchange of rings, was just preparation.

And yet, family life is not a hundred meters, but a marathon, which many do not think about. Often, a girl who has set herself the goal of getting married is energetic, inventive during the courtship period, and manifests herself as a creative person. And after the "crown" - where did everything go? She calms down and becomes inert, in some ways even indifferent, afraid of change. Often, after the wedding, men also "relax" - to conquer and charm no one else, there is no need to perform feats, to splurge, and they suddenly turn out to be slothful and incessant viewers ("He just clicks the remote control!"). In short, something can happen in a marriage that turns happiness into a routine. Love "cools down", emotions grow dim, the cold of boredom cools the heart.

What happened? Nothing, that's the point! It's just that few people think that marriage and family is continuous development, creative creation, blessed work of the spouses! The purpose of marriage is to live in love, fidelity and harmony happily ever after, so that, perhaps one day, at some wonderful moment, you will see in your marriage a house that is finally completed, and living in which is true happiness! It may not be an architectural monument, not a mansion that you dreamed of in your youth, not a fortress, not a fashionable cottage, but not a dilapidated shed, not a country house, not a temporary hut and not a "hut". A house in which there is what the family needs, in which everything is individual, everything is with love.

We have written in previous books that the foundation family relations, and the knots of problems are laid even before the wedding, at a time when a man and a woman are just about to make a decision about marriage. In this book, it is important for us to trace how relationships develop after the wedding, how they form - or not is being formed - a new structure and why. Describing the life cycle of a family, we pay special attention to crises that accompany the transition from one stage of development of the family system to another - the so-called normative crises that each family faces. It is important for us to understand what efforts and deeds, what kind of love and sacrifice spouses need in order for the family to become a living and functional system capable of developing, overcoming crisis moments and giving life, continuing the family line.

We are trying to clarify the answer to the question, what is a family - a unit of society or a small church? Where are the boundaries of the family and where is her heart?

In this book, we talk about the new family that emerged from the relationship between a man and a woman and their decisions about marriage. And let the image of the family, which we have looming, will see someone a little fabulous: "This does not happen in life!" - it seems to us that at the beginning of family life it is important to have the right guidelines so that the vector of family development goes in the right direction. If this book is read by an experienced spouse, they will be able to see at what point in their joint journey they turned "the wrong way", and when they found the right solution for their family (after all, there are no universal solutions).

Even if there are no examples of happy families in your environment, this does not mean at all that they do not exist in nature or that your family cannot become happy.

* * *

The examples in the book are based on real practice, but all circumstances and details have been changed, any overlap with real people random.

Chapter 1. New family

Start: Waterfall

The beginning of married life is rapid. It looks like a waterfall - water with tremendous force falls from a height, with noise, splashes and foam, swirls into whirlpools and rushes into the channel, where gradually the foamy streams become more transparent and calmer, and finally the stormy stream turns into a full-flowing calm river, smoothly carrying its water to the ocean. A young family is like that. The wedding was noisy, the search for wedding accessories ended, the cake was delivered on time, cut and eaten, wedding photos succeeded, the guests were satisfied, and the young couple began, as they say, their honeymoon. First, an explosion of emotions, the intoxication of passion. But gradually the storm dies down and turns into a sweet, but everyday life. It happens, however, and vice versa: living together starts with difficulties. Yes, it happens. But if a man and a woman enter life with love, then difficulties and obstacles can be swallowed up by happiness. And it is at the beginning of a family's life that it is most subjective.

The beginning is marriage, wedding, wedding. From this moment, processes are launched that are very dear and interesting to us. During this period of the life of the spouses, the structure of the family and family relations is created. It is important for us to take a look at this family "kitchen"! It is important because it is at this time that all the many expectations with which the partners entered into marriage are justified (or not) - the expectations of happiness, fullness of life, independence and family self-realization. And if, as we believe, all the main problems of marriage and family follow from the motivation for marriage, then the beginning of life together manifests these problems, and then the spouses either cope with them or aggravate them.

This is not a prelude, this is the first act of the play. In this act, the main actions are performed, there are many forces in it, a lot of love energy, many accomplishments, changes, but everything that was laid down by friendship and love, matchmaking and wedding is already manifested. Along with the sweetness of marriage, the bitterness of problems begins. Newlyweds have a long way to go, on which they will solve many tasks, such as building a house, getting to know each other, building a family. This is the path of crises and new stages of life.

Marriage has that fundamental difference from any other form of human existence, that it is maximally saturated with life as such: love, having children, taking care of the house, household, health, school, holidays, christenings and even funerals - all this is life. Neither bachelor's nor monastic life knows all this. Marriage is the fullness of life in the bodily, family-clan, social, economic and financial sense. A man and a woman do not even know how many worries and deeds will fall on them, as soon as they become husband and wife, in how many socially obligatory relationships they will be inscribed, what responsibility they will bear from now on! The worries of spouses, in comparison with single people, do not just double, they multiply tenfold. This becomes especially noticeable when children are born - a children's kitchen, a clinic, a nursery, a kindergarten, a school, certificates, benefits, circles and sport sections and so on and so forth.

Of course, all this does not fall on the head at once. Concerns and responsibilities are added gradually. And in the same way, new connections and relationships are gradually taking shape. But already the first days of marriage can be oversaturated with novelty and surprises. Sometimes the honeymoon is poisoned by something - material problems, troubles at work, or relationships with parents. And as psychological practice shows, sometimes the mistakes of the first period of married life are made only because young people simply do not know that marriage from the very beginning imposes on the spouses the responsibility for the implementation of many family-clan and social functions... Most often, when they talk about the difficulties of starting a married life, they mean solving everyday issues: for example, who prepares food and when and who washes the dishes. But in reality, this is not the most difficult thing. Rebuilding relationships with families, friends, colleagues, etc. is much more difficult.

New branch of the genus

Marriage is not just an act of joining two personalities, it is the origin of a new organism, a new family system. A new horizon appears, another generation, a fresh sprout on the family tree. However, we must not forget that this system arose in the depths of two parents. This means that marriage is also an act of joining two family systems into "one" extended one.

The decision of two people to marry involuntarily makes their parents in-laws (not blood relatives). Moreover, each parental family, acquiring new relatives, remains itself. This means that all families - both young and both parents - will have to go through a crisis of roles and relationships that have not yet been tested. The family develops, changes, new connections and boundaries are established, new norms and culture are mastered. To cope with all this, remarkable strength and a strong determination to be together are needed.

If, however, a joint life with one of the parental families, the task becomes more difficult, sometimes unbearable, because a new couple may simply not have enough resources to simultaneously solve emerging problems within the marriage and build the external boundaries of relations with parents. Moreover, in this period of the family's life, the main, primary task is the arrangement of its common internal space. This space is the territory of the family, that is, those relationships, actions and events in which the spouses do not allow anyone. The space within the boundaries, to build which is one of the tasks of the marriage.

Family and its inhabitants

What is a family - basic, nuclear, as psychologists say? How to define this concept? The family is a living organism, people who are close to each other, each occupying his own unique position and having his own unique roles; an organism born from the families of parents and the love of a man and a woman, subsequently generating new families by itself; an organism that has a hierarchical natural structure and retains its generic structure in history. She does not know the excluded, although some family members may make attempts (unfortunately, often quite successful) to forget someone, to deprive communicate, but no one can take away from a person the right to belong to his family - it is not in our power. The dead and the living are all family members, no one is forgotten and no event is forgotten, regardless of the desires and actions of individuals. The family maintains the ties of living and past generations as its unique nature, which includes the individual properties of relationships, their history, characteristics and family-clan models - in a word, everything that will manifest itself differently in other families. And each family strives to preserve its uniqueness and pass on to descendants.

But in addition to the natural one, there is also a personal structure - the one that is introduced by each of the spouses, their spiritual life, their creativity, their work, their views and faith. For example, the history of relationships and the manifestation of the characteristics of each spouse in them: the way the spouse went to a declaration of love, the way the wife asked for blessings from her parents, the difficulties and suffering that fell to the lot of the young before they managed to find a roof over their heads.

Naturally, like every organism, the family has its own peculiarities inherent only to it. One goes to the temple on Sundays, the other is famous for its hospitality and prepares to receive guests, and the third goes to visit herself. Each family has ways of interaction, humorous or affectionate treatment, possible only within the family and unacceptable outside its borders. So, there are spouses who hug and kiss only at home, but on the street or with their parents agreed not to do this. In such cases, they say: "They have their own language of communication."

Each family organism has its own internal processes, and each has its own dynamics, its own path, history. Some families start with violent emotions, which then fade away, in others, on the contrary, they flare up gradually. Some couples start their household from scratch, while others have a house from the very beginning “a full bowl”. Some live under the close guardianship of parental families, others - in "solitude".

Relationships in a new family develop in several directions at once and therefore look chaotic. There is a horizontal relationship - marital. They are partnerships and only partly hierarchical. And there are vertical, mostly hierarchical - between parents and children, between a young family and a clan.

It should be noted here that the hierarchy in the family is not similar to other hierarchical relations, since it is based on natural seniority and difference between generations: the one who is older is always "the main one" and, therefore, has advantages, status and authority - natural, associated with clan hierarchy. These relationships are constant, they cannot be changed, just like you cannot become older than your father or mother, or become a father or mother to your parents. However, the authority of seniority is sometimes incompatible with the personal qualities of the elder in the family, and then the attitude towards him in the family can be directly opposite to the natural one commanded by God: he is tolerated or feared, but not respected. Everyone, the whole family and the entire clan, suffers from such a violation of the hierarchy, because authority and seniority should be the support in many relationships.

Of course, the eldest in his generation may not be competent enough or turn out to be not very successful in the family and society - he may be weak, helpless, or even a threat to the family. However, regardless of his personal qualities and life successes or failures, from social or historical circumstances, he can not lose either his status as an elder, or his authority as a parent or grandparent. And the fifth commandment (Ex. 20: 12) about honoring the father and mother says the same thing.

It must be admitted with regret that often disrespect for elders is a feature of an entire generation or a model in the second or third generation - then the authority and hierarchy are simply not familiar to the family. This is especially true for child-centered or matriarchal families. But the family's need for hierarchy does not go away from this. After all, when a misfortune occurs, the wife in despair shouts to her husband: “But do something! After all, you are the head of the family! " But at this moment he cannot do anything - there is no skill, and the family itself would not accept any of his decisions, since he never had authority.

Roles, like relationships, in the family are also largely determined by nature itself. Every person is born a son or daughter, grandson or granddaughter - there are no exceptions, these roles cannot be changed. Not everyone is born as a sister or brother, niece or nephew - as you are lucky. But here, too, there is no choice. There are, of course, roles that largely depend on our decision, our choice, but once this choice is made, it is no longer possible to change anything. Without getting married, you cannot become a husband or wife. Without having given birth to a child, you cannot become a mother, but once you become a mother, you cannot stop being one - this is a lifelong role.

The structure of the family: father and mother, grandparents, children and grandchildren - is understood and accepted all over the world. And when someone says "Ivanov family" or "Schmidt family", everyone understands that it comes at least about Schmidt (or Ivanov) and his wife, and possibly also about their children. And there are situations when by "Ivanovs" they mean also representatives of different generations or first / second husbands and wives - these are all members of the same family, even if they do not communicate with each other and have not lived together for a long time.

What makes a family a family

A family is not only a “husband-wife-child”, but also just a married couple, and a mother with a child, and a father with children, and a grandmother with a grandson, and even two children. But although families are different in their composition, each has something that makes it a family. These are, in particular, the functions that it performs.

There are many of these functions, but they are not always fully implemented. If, in general, the basic family functions are fulfilled, the family is called functional. Respectively, dysfunctional a family is one where one or several functions are not performed. All functions are very important for a fulfilling life, so we will consider each in sufficient detail, but first we will list them.

The main functions that ensure the life of the family: spiritual, emotional, communicative, developmental, sexual, function of giving birth and raising children, household, and experience transfer function. But there are also system functions such as maintaining integrity, development, security safety, family and patrimonial and social integration, which we will talk about a little later.

Spiritual function. It is much easier for everyone in the house to find a common language and solve problems when the family has common life values. If most family norms and rules are based on the values ​​chosen and shared by all household members, adherence to these rules and norms will not cause protest. But serious differences in ideas about the structure of life are a risk factor. The likelihood of conflicts for "ideological reasons" increases, although mutual respect can certainly reduce potential tensions.

This function implies, in particular, attitude towards religion and adherence to a religious worldview and norms. It is important for spouses that their faith is shared. If a wife is a believer, she certainly wants to lead her husband to faith. And a husband who is far from faith is sometimes jealous of his wife for the church, he may not like that she lives a spiritual life separate from him.

Of course, there are times when a husband and wife compromise, agree “not to interfere with each other in living their own spiritual life,” agree with the need to accept the existing difference in views. Unfortunately, such a situation does not contribute to family cohesion, because the spiritual component is one of the most important in the life of an adult, and it is sad when the people closest in the world turn out to be spiritually distant, do not share common beliefs and faith.

Here we can also say about the search for the meaning of the life of the family as a whole and each of its members separately. For some, this is the accumulation of capital, for others - knowledge, education, for others - helping people, generosity, unselfishness. For example, a husband may prohibit his wife from using the stolen goods, since for him honesty is higher than material benefits, and for a wife it may not matter how righteous the sources of income are, the main thing is to live in abundance, without limiting oneself in anything, “take everything from life” , and she will blame her husband for his scrupulousness and adherence to principles. It also happens the other way around: the husband is not too picky about the ways of making money, and the wife fundamentally disagrees with him. On the basis of such a difference in goals, meanings and values, many marital conflicts arise, therefore it is so important, if not a complete coincidence, then at least a respectful attitude to the partner's worldview.

One way or another, the value and spiritual function of the family is performed (normally) by spouses or elders (for example, grandparents), if the spouses do not perform this function.

In addition, interest in the customs and traditions of the family and clan, respect for cultural heritage, respect national characteristics and stories - all of this also belongs to the spiritual function. Spouses, of course, can follow the family traditions in which they themselves grew up, but if they want to become one whole, they will have to build on the experience of both their families and at the same time take it into account, develop something new.

Emotional function involves the creation of a space within the family where you can openly, without fear of condemnation, ignorance or ridicule, to show feelings and emotions. This space is protected by family boundaries and family cohesion. In order to freely express a variety of feelings (and not just "good" and socially approved), all family members must be confident in the unconditional acceptance, understanding and support of everyone's personality.

Knowing what a particular emotional reaction is signaling - sadness, anger, resentment, a careful and responsible attitude towards one's own and other people's feelings - are signs of personal maturity. Recently, there has been a lot of talk about the development of emotional intelligence, but, unfortunately, few people think about its importance in family life. After all, when a family takes care of everyone's feelings, it satisfies one of the most important basic psychological needs of a person - the need for emotional acceptance. But this is so rare! More often we have to meet with the problem of suppression, repression, ignoring or inadequate expression of feelings, especially in dysfunctional families. Faced in early age with emotional and psychological abuse people, as a rule, consciously or unconsciously choose one of the extremes: either "freeze" their feelings, keep themselves within a rigid framework and demand the same from others, or "go crazy", that is, completely abandon control and responsibility for their emotional reactions ... In either case, it is even difficult for them to imagine that there are other options for attitudes towards their own or someone else's emotional life.

Communicative function- striving for communication, openness and trust. Mutual communication in the family is necessary for life no less than maintaining a joint household, taking care of everyday life. Communication, readiness and ability to speak, listen and hear others allow you to count on mutual understanding. Without deep, trusting communication, family relationships become formal, cold, lifeless. A family in which the communication process is disrupted is at risk.

Developing function. It is assumed that the family is interested in the development of each of its members, provided that the development of one will not occur at the expense of refusal to develop the other or the whole family as a whole. So, if now there is enough money to pay for the education of only one of the spouses, then the second needs to create conditions for development - to find funds for short-term courses, books, free up time for communication on professional or simply broadening horizons. Moreover, it is up to the spouses to decide which courses can be paid for right now, and which ones are not worth spending at all, and whether to buy a new computer or new books, based on common interests. The family can create conditions for the emergence of new motives for development (move to a new city for work or open a joint business), the main thing is that at the same time all family members feel the protection of their interests and respect for their choice.

Of course, there can be no complete equality in the family - there is always some imbalance, when someone gets more family resources, someone gets less. But everyone's needs are different - one loves to learn, and for another, learning is a real punishment, so it is not worth demanding “to share in justice”. Although the situation when one gets everything, and the other gets nothing, is also wrong. If there is a problem with the distribution of the resources necessary for development among family members, invaluable help can be provided by experienced representatives of the older generation (provided that they enjoy well-deserved authority with the young). It is a pity that not everyone resorts to this help - many prefer to fill their own bumps, but in no case live in someone else's mind.

Sexual function- this is conjugal relationship love, joy, exchange of tenderness and affection, attention and care, realization of love attraction (psychological and bodily). Can a family do without sex? We think that it cannot. In one form or another, sexuality is realized by all couples. After all, tenderness, hugs, looks, sweet words- these are also forms of manifestation of sexuality. To implement this function, it is necessary to create a special intimate safe space in the family, into which no one from the outside has the right to enter, as well as to observe certain rules of behavior that help to feel free, without violating the freedom of other family members. In addition, by involving children in socially acceptable forms of their sensual communication, parents educate in them the correct ideas about sexual life, norms and rules. Sexuality strengthens marriage and helps it develop. We will take a closer look at this aspect of family relationships in the chapter on the sex life of spouses.

Reproductive function - the birth and upbringing of children is a natural continuation, the fruit of sexual life, its natural consequence. But children are not the goal of creating a family. The purpose of marriage is marriage itself - like a small church, like a union of love. The reproductive function of the family is realized in a responsible attitude to conception and birth, as well as to the adoption of children, to their transfer to the care of educators (relatives or social institutions – Kindergarten, school, etc.), in taking care of their growth and upbringing and passing on their family heritage.

Household function family is sometimes the most important. In our speech, there are many phrases that emphasize the importance of the material component of family life: "the family boat crashed against everyday life," "love will end, but the apartment will remain," and others. more material demands are made on potential grooms and brides. The dream of many is “to marry a rich man” or “it is profitable to marry” in order to do nothing and at the same time not count a penny, but to live “for pleasure”. But people who had nothing in their life do not realize that having a lot of wealth is not as easy and simple as it might seem at first glance - it is a serious responsibility, work, care, high demands, a heavy load (sometimes physical, sometimes emotional) ...

Another false idea: you can't get married until you've made money, bought an apartment, and got a car. This applies not only to men, but also to women who do not consider it possible to think about marriage without having achieved certain success in their careers, without having accumulated enough funds in bank accounts. Of course, married life can begin with one "trough", gradually overgrowing the economy, but the fear of poverty, worries, responsibility, reproaches and feelings of guilt that "did not provide" turns many away from marriage.

The task of distributing economic functions is of interest to the spouses no less than the question of “material security”, especially at first. The famous "Who will wash the dishes ?!" ruined the life of more than one married couple... Some have not overcome this barrier. Meanwhile, the task of the spouses is not to "justly" shift responsibilities onto each other - to learn how to wash the dishes (it is strange if a man or a woman, having reached adulthood, does not know how to do this) is not the main thing. The main thing is to realize your responsibility for what corresponds to your role and capabilities. What are they?

This is why the first period of marriage is given, when, as they say, spouses rub against each other, that is, they recognize, adapt to each other's characteristics, compromise in some way, and achieve their goal in some way. And here it is better to focus not on generally accepted ideas about who should do what in the family, but proceed from the real abilities, capabilities and limitations of these specific people. It would be nice to do without evaluations and comparisons, which discourage any desire to do anything and agree on anything: "What kind of woman are you if you can't cook soup ?!" or: "My father did everything in the house with his own hands, but you couldn't hammer in a nail!"

Experience transfer function. In families, not only children learn from their parents, but each spouse also learns something in marriage and teaches a partner, spouses pass on their experience to their children and at the same time gain new experience from communicating with children. The transfer of experience also takes place outside the family - others also get it. It is important to note that experience also has a moral dimension. Each family has its own history, and this history is very long, its origins are lost in the mists of time. Traditions, peculiarities, facts and legends are all the subject of transfer (broadcast) of experience that the family values ​​and which seeks to pass on to descendants.

Our list of functions can be continued, but we have listed the main ones.

The fulfillment by family members of their roles and functions is a canvas of life, woven from events, facts, successes and achievements, mistakes and tragedies, crises and their overcoming. And if you look closely, then in the daily movement of life we ​​will see the implementation (to one degree or another) of the functions of the family.

During psychological counseling, you often have to deal with this. Both women and men admit that before marriage they had a lot of strength, a lot of desires, there were dreams and plans, but after several years of marriage, everything cooled down and plunged into routine. And Count Leo Tolstoy "complained" about Natasha Rostova (Bezukhova) in War and Peace and Kitty in Anna Karenina - after marriage they became different.

In this book, we look at the normative process, although we understand that this is rarely the case in life. And yet we choose the normative path of the family in order to better see the basic laws of marriage. We are convinced that all non-normative events and complexities can be adequately understood when compared with a normative way. We avoid the terms “normal,” “happy,” or “right” family.

Excluded family member is a term used in systemic family psychotherapy. This means the one about whom, for some reason, it is not customary in the family to remember and talk (ashamed, painful, scary). Thus, this person seems to be deprived of the right to belong to his family. Families quite often excluded are people who have committed a crime, betrayed, deceived, killed someone, but also those who have become a victim of a crime or betrayal - aborted children or children left in the care of the state, mentally ill relatives who have been sent to a boarding school. , abandoned wives, missing soldiers. The excluded person still remains a member of the family and affects the entire family system, whether we want it or not.

This refers to the natural status and authority of the older generation in the family, which is independent of the situation. € 2.82)

How to make a family happy - this question is faced by many spouses in the process of finding family harmony. The family is a cell social society... People who are getting married should be aware of the seriousness of their intentions. What is life in a happy family? We will try to find answers to these questions in this article.

A happy family is the goal in the lives of many people

The family is the warmth and comfort of the hearth, which heats up in everyday life. You can become truly happy if you find people with whom it is pleasant to share positive emotions.

People meet, fall in love and decide to live together. But you need to take the relationship seriously so as not to destroy everything in an instant. In a happy family, people understand each other perfectly, and also do not refuse to spend time together.

What is a strong happy family

In fact, the attitude that is considered to be happy is understood differently by everyone. For some it is love, for some it is money, and for some it is a lot of children. Unfortunately, some spouses see happiness in an open relationship.

Family comfort, kindness and love - what could be more precious

It is impossible to say unequivocally what happiness consists of. But a strong family must stand up for each other like a mountain. All its members are close-knit and friendly. In a strong family, there are no quarrels, quarrels and conflicts. People try to spend all their free time together, which makes their relationship warm and friendly.

Happy families rules

If you don't know how to start a happy family, there are a few important rules to keep in mind. Thanks to simple tips you can enjoy harmony and comfort in your home:

• Communicate more - it is impossible to make a relationship strong without constant communication. Gather at the table in the evenings for tea and discuss how your day went. Be interested in the affairs of your children, ask your spouse how the working day went, share your experiences;
• the law of correspondence - you must be careful about the choice of your soul mate. You cannot order love, but your interests and life views should coincide. If you find that your personalities are not the same, learn to come to terms with it. Only in this case can conflicts and quarrels be avoided from scratch;
• development - if you are thinking about how to build a happy family, do not forget to constantly evolve. You should not sit at home after the birth of a child or clog in yourself against the backdrop of severe stress. Remember that a person must improve himself. You will be able to find new facets for entertainment, as well as talk on serious topics, understanding each other.

It should be understood that relationships are the work and work of its participants.

Secrets of a Happy Family

There are certain secrets that will enable you to make your family happy. They are so simple and affordable that you will not face any problems:

1. show your love without hiding your true feelings;
2. sit down for lunch or dinner with the whole family, if possible;
3. create your own family traditions that will allow you to become friendly and close-knit;
4. host guests to expand your social circle and your interests;
5. do household chores all together to feel the support and help of loved ones;
6. tell the children about the story of your family;
7. get a pet who will develop responsibility and care in all family members;
8. respect your loved ones, because they are individuals;
9. be punctual so that loved ones feel important;
10. always take care of those around you, because this is the first sign of happiness.

Only a complete understanding of the feelings and desires of partners will create harmony

These are the main secrets of a happy family that will help you achieve the desired result. You will be able to enjoy the harmony that gives a feeling of coziness.

How to create a happy marriage

If you are looking for an answer to the question of how to create a happy marriage, then it is worth remembering that everything comes with time. The family becomes really happy after a while.

To make everyone feel comfortable and cozy, learn to show your concern. Show your family members how much you love them. In any situation, support them so that they feel needed.

It should be borne in mind that the concept of happiness is different for women and men.

Spend your free time together. Get out of town for the weekend or enjoy your favorite games at home. It strengthens the relationship, making everyone feel loved.

How to make your husband happy in marriage

If you are unsure of how to make your husband happy in your marriage, there are a few tips to consider. They will help you enjoy good mood spouse:

It is extremely easy to follow these tips, as you can see in practice. As a result, your feelings will be strong, so your spouse will never go "on the side".

How to make a woman happy in marriage

In fact, the answer to the question of how to make a woman happy in marriage is quite simple. Here is the guarantee of your spouse's happiness:

1. constantly tell her how you love her;
2. a man must prove love by making a pleasant surprise for a woman;
3. learn not only to speak, but also to listen, because this is very important for a woman;
4. take into account the psychology of the fairer sex, because she is very worried when you leave. Try to communicate where and how much you are going;
5. do not solve absolutely all problems for a woman, because sometimes she wants to be independent;
6. become for her worthy man, protecting from uncertainty in the future;
7. Compliment the woman so that she is convinced that she is the one and only for you.

These are the rules of happy families where everyone respects and values ​​each other. It all depends on how attentive you are to your significant other.

Problems arise sooner or later in any unions. The main thing is to behave correctly when solving them. Only thanks to joint well-coordinated work with an understanding of the presence of a problem is it possible to successfully survive various difficulties.

What prevents you from creating a strong and friendly family

Some people try very hard, but cannot achieve harmony in a relationship. This is influenced by many mistakes that do not give the desired result.

Never limit the freedom of your significant other. You shouldn't check your email, read messages on your phone, and forbid meeting friends. Sooner or later, such restrictions will freak out, leading to serious disagreements.

Don't ignore the interests of your loved one. it main secret strong relationship. If your spouse is watching an important soccer game on TV, you shouldn't insist that he switch to your favorite show. This is a sign that you don't respect his hobbies. So why should he go to meet you in the future?

You don't need to discuss your spouse with your friends. Remember that you live under the same roof with this person, so you must have respect for him. Also, do not forget that even the most best friends may turn out to be traitors. Everything that you said about your loved one can reach the ears of the soulmate.

Strong and long-term relationships are based on mutual understanding, respect and tolerance.

Constant jealousy also interferes with the creation of a strong family. Paranoia will sooner or later lead to disastrous consequences. You should not bring your loved one with unfounded suspicions that will drive anyone crazy!

These are the basic rules that will help you understand how to make a marriage happy and long without unnecessary problems. You will be able to maintain your relationship with your significant other for a long time. Enjoy family harmony and warm communication, because every new day will bring you the maximum of pleasant emotions!

Sometimes it can be very difficult to create a happy one family life... Although it is not difficult to start a family, get married or get married, have a child or even more than one and you are ready, a family is like a family. But not everything is as simple as it seems.

Let's just try take and figure it out how to create a happy family, what is it in general and who should still be engaged in creating that very happy family. We will not talk too much about this topic, let's say the main thing. That is to say, what we have come to in our family.

love is …

I have always loved and love order and consistency. Of course, I don't keep order everywhere, I can scatter things, scatter tools, and so on, my wife is not happy with this and of course she swears for it.

But we will not start with this. What is the basis of a family in general, or rather, what is the reason for creating a family? Many will answer - Love, especially girls. Yes, of course, no doubt about it. But looking at his acquaintances, those around him, the youth, I came to the conclusion that some are just afraid of love.

More precisely, not love as such, but they are afraid that love will not be real, then they will find themselves in a difficult situation and will suffer all their lives, as happened with my wife. But everything turned out to be fixable... So what is Love?

Many philosophers will give many answers, but no one will say exactly what it is... Everyone will describe and tell in their own way, many generally spend their whole lives studying this issue. Well, I certainly won't try to find out.

The fact is that each and every one will understand what it is, just when you really love, then you will be attracted to that person not only when it is good, but also when it is bad, at least to you, at least to both. It's really hard to explain.

Moreover, love exists not only between a man and a woman... The most strong love, at least for me, to my mother. And sometimes love for your family, sister or brother, children, mom or dad, and so on, may be the same - real, true. Or maybe it's worth looking at just this love, studying it and understanding what Love is?

Love is generally a strange thing for me. Sometimes when my spouse just infuriates me, she even becomes even sexier, all anger and hatred becomes empty space.

But there is no need to be afraid that you will fall in love with the wrong person. Time will really tell what and how. But the main component of what you love is the consciousness that you want a family, children. That is, not just being close to this person, admiring him and her beauty, relaxing, and so on, but it is the desire to create seven yu, with children, with problems, with relatives and so on.

And if you still do not feel that you want to tie yourself with a loving person, to be one and bring up children together, then there is no point in reading further. It's just that I will continue to describe those things that will help to look at an already created family from the outside and see what can be corrected or added to yours, for example. Or, when starting a family, you will simply understand what you don't need to do.

If you are not at all happy right now, consider if there is love between you. Precisely whether you love and whether you are loved. And already based on this, think about whether it is worth changing something or just starting all over again. Do you have the time and energy for this. From myself I will add - don't give up if you see at least one small gap - try and everything will work out. In my family, it took several years.

In previous issues, we described simple little things that you can read.

The foundation of a happy family

First, figure out what means - a happy family ... What is it for you and for your companion. It is also necessary to clearly understand that the vision of a happy family is different for you and your companion. Therefore, communication can only reveal what brings you closer.

Only during good communication both of you will understand what a happy family is for you, what you both want from life, from your family, from each other. This is important and perhaps with this should start building a happy family... Set goals for yourself and your companion (companion) and go towards this goal. Even in small steps, but you will come to her, the main thing is not to give up and respect each other.

As a man, I can describe a lot here what a woman should do. But wait, it turns out the men should not do anything? Some people say, they say, I earn money, my head is full of work, but I want to go fishing or take a car, or repairs need to be done…. So what - I will say. Have you guys thought about what your wife is doing?

Take even cooking, cleaning, pay attention to your husband, take care of yourself, raise children and still have time to work in the same way and many more little things. Titanic work, in my opinion.

To build a happy family, both the wife and the husband need to work on family relationships.

Who is the head in this house? Who remains behind the last word? I am still from those times when such questions are cardinally there was only one answer - a man... Yes, this is correct in my opinion, a man is stronger and there should be a family behind him.

But a man himself must be a man. He must stand up for the family, for the wife, for the children. He must not only be physically selenium, but also smart. This is what modern men lack, not everyone of course. In order for the husband to have the last word, he must clearly understand what the problem is. And to understand everything as accurately and correctly as possible. In order not to harm the family.

Recently, I often see that some young guys simply do not understand that in the future there should be a family behind them. Now they are for themselves only, and the rest do not care, to put it mildly. Of course, a lack of education, many will say. But what about the parents themselves?

Yes, you don't need to rely on the state, teachers or anyone else all the time! Parents must convey to the child what is important in his future life, something that the school and the teacher will never give. But this is a separate topic, something carried me aside. But I think I got it.

And here, in my opinion, what needs to be done first of all to get a happy family:

1. Study your partner and let him study you. It is necessary that both spouses get to know each other very closely.
2. Learn the logic of thinking both men and women. The Lord not only made us different by gender, but our thinking is also different. And this must be understood. You can learn about women, but about men.
3. To change something there must be desire, motivation... Motivate yourself and your loved ones.
4. Trust each other, this is a happy family again.
5. Respect each other, children... Respect what your loved ones do and love to do.
6. Communicate with each other... And not just superficially, discussing urgent matters, but also deeply communicate. This will help you get to know each other better and you will understand each other.
7. Rejoice each other and children... Spend more time together, travel, play, watch TV, and so on. Go on vacation together at least once a year, wherever. Grandma doesn't count in the village.
8. Get a good family tradition ... It brings people closer together.
9. Don't throw problems on top of each other.... If there is a problem in the family, both are to blame, always.
10. Raise your children together. Children follow your example.
11. Fuel your relationship with gifts, surprises... It is also necessary to please children.
12. There must be justice in all matters. You need to know a sense of proportion.

Remember! The family is a single whole, you are together, which means that your joy and sadness are common. It means you need to do more joy.

And some more parting words

One day, I heard a parable, or whatever it is called, well, in general, a story that greatly cheered me up and made me move. In short: There was once a sage. He was the wisest and all people went to him for advice. From this he was happy and proud.

But one day he found out that there is another sage, also very wise, and people began to visit him too. The first sage thought for a long time what to do so that people would only come to him, how to show that the second sage is not so wise.

And he came up with. I will take it, says the first sage, and I will catch the butterfly, cover it with my palms so that it cannot be seen. I will come up and ask the second sage what I have in my hands. He will answer that the butterfly, I ask, is alive or dead. If she says alive, then I will press my palms a little, she will die. If she says she's dead, I'll just open my palms and she'll fly.

Then it turns out that the sage is wrong and people will stop trusting him. Well, here comes the first sage to the second, holding a butterfly in his hands. The first asks the second what is in his hands - the second says that it is a butterfly. On the second question - is she alive, the second sage thought and answered: Everything is in your hands.

So dear reader: Everything is in your hands. As you want, so it will be, the main thing is to go towards your goal. If you want a happy family, be happy yourself and infect all your loved ones with happiness. There are many difficulties and obstacles on the way, but everything will work out, because everything is in your hands.

There is no clear plan for what needs to be done to have a happy family. In fact, what we wrote above is just what you need to pay attention to. All people are different. Something comes with experience. But there is no need to be afraid, you need to act, that's what you think is necessary, so do it.

That's all for now, write your comments, ask questions, good luck and be happy.

How to create a happy family life updated: May 25, 2019 by the author: Pavel Subbotin