How to behave with a child when. How to behave with children: parenting methods, simple and effective advice

Difficult children are an eternal headache for parents and teachers. 99% of moms and dads face child disobedience one way or another. And no matter how paradoxical it may seem, in most cases, the bad behavior of children can be defeated, first of all, by fundamentally revising the behavioral reactions of the parents themselves!

Most often, parents begin to complain to doctors and teachers that the child has become nervous and disobedient, "got out of hand" and behaves badly, at the moment when this child has been "knocked" for 5-7 years already and with his antics and tantrums he is already managed to "finish off" all his relatives - both close and distant. But the methods of upbringing that help to raise an adequate and obedient child, you need to start practicing much earlier - as soon as the baby is one year old.

The main law of pedagogy of all times and peoples:

the little bird does not control the flock.

Perhaps the majority of child psychologists and educators around the world, no matter what concepts of upbringing they advocate, agree in the same opinion: a child in a family should always take the place of a subordinate (follower), not a subordinate (leader).

The main law of pedagogy says: a small bird cannot control a flock. In other words: a child cannot subdue (with the help of his cries, hysterics and whims) the will of adults. Otherwise, this obvious and terrible assumption on the part of parents and other household members can harm the whole family in the future, causing significant damage to the psyche of the child himself.

However, parents should understand that "submission to the will of adults" is not violence against the personality of the baby or the constant compulsion of his will to the wishes of adult family members. Not! But a child must understand from a very young age that all decisions in the family are made by the parents, and that any prohibition must be obeyed unquestioningly - primarily because it ensures the safety of the child himself.
As soon as this family law is turned upside down and the child's voice becomes dominant in the family (all adults “dance to the tune” of the baby) - at this very moment a naughty child appears in the family ...

Where Do Difficult Children Come From?

Before learning how to deal with children's whims and tantrums, it is worth finding out how and when generally cute crumbs turn into "difficult" naughty children. In fact, the behavior of the child in the family (as well as the behavioral reactions of the cub in the flock) primarily and closely depend on the behavior of adults. There are several typical and most common situations when children-"angels" turn into "monsters", sitting on their parents' necks.

Children become moody, disobedient, and hysterical when:

1. There are no pedagogical principles in the family. For example: a parent communicates with a child solely against the background of his own mood - today dad is kind and allowed to watch cartoons until midnight, tomorrow dad is out of sorts and already at 21:00 drove the child to sleep.

2. When the pedagogical principles of adult family members differ dramatically. For example: to a child's request to watch cartoons after 21 pm, dad says "no way," and mom gives the go-ahead. It is important that parents (and preferably all other household members) are united in their positions.

3. When parents or other household members are "led" by children's whims and tantrums. Young children build their behavior on the level of instincts and conditioned reflexes, which they catch instantly. If a baby with the help of hysteria, yelling and crying can achieve from adults what he wants, he will use this technique always, as long as it works. And only in the case when the screams and tantrums cease to lead him to the desired result, the child will stop using them.

Please note that children are never naughty, do not shout, do not cry or throw tantrums in front of the TV, furniture, toys or a completely stranger. No matter how small the child is, he always clearly distinguishes - who reacts to his "concert", and whose nerves it is useless to "shake" with the help of a scandal and a scandal. If you "give slack" and give in to children's whims - you will live with them side by side all the time while the child shares one space with you.

How to stop childish tantrums?

Most parents believe that turning a “difficult”, rebellious and hysterical child into an “angel” is akin to a miracle. But in reality, this pedagogical "maneuver" is not at all difficult, but requires special moral efforts, endurance and will from the parents. And it's worth it! Moreover, the sooner you start practicing this technique, the more calm and obedient your child will grow up. So:

OLD SCHEME(most parents usually do this): as soon as your baby burst into crying and screaming, stamping his feet and hitting his head on the floor, you “flew up” to him and were ready to do anything to calm him down. Including - agreed to fulfill his desire. In a word, you behaved according to the principle "I will do anything, as long as the child does not cry ...".

NEW SCHEME(this should be done by those who want to "re-educate" a naughty child): as soon as the baby began to scream and "brawl", you calmly smile at him and leave the room. But the child needs to know that you continue to hear him. And while he is shouting, you do not return to his field of vision. But as soon as (even for a second!) The child stopped yelling and crying, you again return to him with a smile, demonstrating all your parental tenderness and love. Seeing you, the baby will start yelling again - you just calmly leave the room again. And again return to him with hugs, a smile and all your parental adoration exactly at the moment when he stops yelling again.

However, feel the difference: it’s one thing if a baby bumped, something hurts him, he was offended by other children, or he was frightened by a neighbor’s dog ... In this case, his crying and screaming is completely normal and understandable - the baby needs your support and protection. But rushing to console, hugging and kissing a child who just threw a tantrum, who is capricious and tries to get his way with tears and screams is a completely different matter. In this case, the parents must be adamant and not succumb to "provocations".

Thus, sooner or a little later, the child will "figure out" (at the level of reflexes): when he is hysterical, he is left alone, he is not listened to or obeyed. But as soon as he stops shouting and "scandalizing" - they return to him again, they love him and are ready to listen to him.

Famous popular children's doctor, Dr. E. O. Komarovsky: “As a rule, it takes 2-3 days for a child to form a persistent reflex“ When I yell, nobody needs me, and when I am silent, everyone loves me ”. If the parents last this time, they will get an obedient baby, if not, they will continue to face childish tantrums, whims and disobedience. "

The magic word "No":

who needs bans and why

No parenting is possible without prohibitions. And the behavior of the child depends to a greater extent on how correctly you use prohibitive words (such as "no", "no", etc.). The so-called “difficult” children are most often found in families in which adults pronounce the prohibitions “no, you can’t” either too often (with or without reason), or do not pronounce them at all - that is, the child grows up in a regime of complete permissiveness.
Meanwhile, parents should correctly and as carefully as possible use prohibitions when raising children. First of all, because the safety of the child himself and his environment often depends on this.

The child's safety depends first of all on how adequately (and therefore - quickly and systemically) the child reacts to the prohibition. If a kid rolls on a scooter, carried away by the process, and immediately stops in front of a stream of cars, clearly and obediently responding to his mother's cry "Stop, no further!" - it will save his life. And if a child is not accustomed to react "ironically" to prohibitions, you will not be able to save him from an accident: without reacting to "no", he will reach into the fire with his hands, jump out onto the roadway, overturn a pot of boiling water on himself, etc.

In a certain sense, the forbidden word "No" has a protective property for the baby. Your parental task is to teach your child to instantly respond to a signal and obediently follow it.

Precisely because prohibitions play so important role in the upbringing of obedient children, parents must be able to use them correctly. There are several rules that will help them with this:

1. It is necessary to use the word “not” itself rarely and only on business (most often - either if the prohibition concerns the safety of the child and other people, or in order to comply with the generally accepted social norm - you cannot throw garbage anywhere, you cannot call names and fight, etc.). P.)

2. The child must clearly understand that if something is forbidden to him, this prohibition always applies. For example: if a child has a severe allergy to milk protein and is not allowed ice cream, then even if he brings 15 A's from school at once, ice cream will still be banned.

3. Bans like "no" or "no" are never discussed. Of course, parents should explain to the kid in the most detailed and intelligible way why they forbid him this or that, but the very fact of the ban should never become a subject of discussion.

4. It is unacceptable that the positions of parents on the subject of any prohibition diverge. For example, dad said no, and mom said, you can.

5. Any "no" must be observed everywhere: in Africa after 5 years - it will also be "no". To a greater extent, this rule applies not even to children and parents, but to more distant relatives - grandparents, aunts and uncles, and so on. Often, after all, such a situation happens: for example, you cannot eat sweets at home after 17 in the evening (it spoils your teeth), but at your grandmother's on vacation you can do as much as you like. Etc.

If all else fails

In 99% of cases bad behavior for children, this problem is purely pedagogical. As soon as the parents begin to correctly build their relationship with the baby (learn to adequately use the prohibitions and stop responding to children's cries and tears), the child's whims and tantrums will come to naught ...

Doctor E. O. Komarovsky: “If parents behave correctly and unbendingly, consistently and in principle, if they maintain their presence of mind in the face of children's whims and tantrums and their willpower is enough not to give up, then any, even the most powerful and noisy , the child's tantrums will pass one hundred percent and literally in a few days. Mom and Dad, remember: if a child does not achieve his goal with the help of tantrums, he just stops yelling. "

But if you do everything correctly, do not react to whims and tantrums, strictly follow the aforementioned rules, and have not achieved the effect - and the baby still screams loudly, demanding his own, and continues to hysteria - with a high degree of probability you need to show such a child specialists (neurologist, psychologist, etc.), because the reason in this case may not be pedagogical, but medical.

The most important principles of parenting

Topic child education- immense, multifaceted, multi-layered and generally difficult for ordinary people to perceive. Tons of smart books devoted to raising children, but, like a hundred years ago, most parents are faced with the problems associated with disobedience of their children. And these parents, when solving problems, need some kind of support, some basic principles that they should be guided by. These principles include:

1. Always praise your child generously when they are doing the right thing. Alas, most parents "sin" by taking the baby's good deeds for granted, and the bad ones as out of the ordinary. In fact, the child is still only building his behavioral reactions and models, for him often there are no evaluations of "good" and "bad", and he is guided by the evaluation of people close to him. Praise and encourage his obedience and good behavior, and he will happily try to do as you approve as often as possible.

2. If the kid is naughty and does not behave correctly - do not judge the child as a person! And judge only his behavior at a particular moment. For example: let's say the boy Petya behaves badly on the playground - he pushes, offends other children and takes scoops and buckets from them. Adults are tempted to scold Petya: "You are a bad boy, you are a mean and greedy!" This is an example of condemning Petya as a person. If such promises become systemic, at some point Petya will really turn into a bad boy. Scold Petya correctly: “Why are you behaving so badly? Why do you push and hurt others? Only bad guys hurt others, but you're a good boy! And if you behave like a bad person today, I will have to punish you ... ”. So the child will understand that he himself is good, he is loved and respected, but his behavior today is wrong ...

3. Always take your child's age and development into account.

4. The demands you make on your child must be reasonable.

5. Punishments for misconduct must be consistent over time ( three year old baby evening cartoons for spitting porridge in the morning - Small child will not be able to grasp the link between misdemeanor and punishment).

6. When punishing a child, you yourself should be calm. Any psychologist will confirm to you: every interlocutor, including a child (no matter how small he is), hears you much better when you do not shout, but speak calmly.

7. When talking with a child (especially in situations when he does not obey, is capricious, hysterical, and you are irritated and angry), always focus on your tone and manner of conversation - would you yourself be able to talk to you in this way?

8. You should always be sure that your child understands you.

9. Personal example always works much better than telling you how to do the right thing or not. In other words, the principle: "Doing as I do" brings up a child many times more effectively than the principle "Do as I say." Be an example for your kids, remember that consciously or not, but in many ways they are your copy.

10. As a parent, as an adult, you must always be ready to rethink your decisions. This is especially true for parents of children 10 years of age and older, when the child is already able to enter into discussions, give arguments and arguments, etc. He must understand that the decision is always yours, but that you are ready to listen to him and under certain circumstances you can change your decisions in favor of the child.

11. Strive to convey to the child what the result of his actions will be (especially if he does the wrong thing). If the baby throws toys out of the crib, do not pick them up, and the baby will quickly learn that as a result of this behavior, he loses his toys. With older children and in more serious situations, you can simply say what will happen if the baby does this and that ...

Raising an obedient and adequate child is not as difficult as it might seem at first glance. Parents only need to analyze and control their own behavioral reactions - to be a worthy example for the child, not to "follow the lead" of children's tantrums and whims, willingly talk with the child, calmly explaining to him certain decisions.

If your baby begins to refuse to follow your instructions, do not rush to grab the belt.

Everything in its own way, everything in spite of! "Sergei, let's go for a walk!" - "No I'm not going!" "Go to dinner, I made pancakes!" - "I don't like them!" How I hate it, if I used to tremble with impatience, feeling the smell from the kitchen; and walked in such a way that it was impossible to drag home by the ears! Anyway, why did it suddenly become like this: for almost everything you say - "no", "I don't want", "I won't give it" ...

Invincible physiology

Yes, this is shocking, especially for young parents - their two-year-old just started touching dad and mom with meaningful speech, began to really communicate, and suddenly became a kind of hedgehog that would not go into their hands once again. It seems that the main thing for him now is to go against it.

And, you know, this is completely normal, your child is developing correctly, naturally. It is by the age of two that the baby's brain begins to mature quickly - the left hemisphere, which is responsible for analytical thinking, begins to show itself more actively, he begins to realize himself, to control his speech, and his "I" is formed. The kid thinks that he can handle everything.

At this age, children begin to need not only custody, but also recognition of their independence and the right to their own point of view and line of behavior, of course, seemingly ridiculous and absurd to an adult. Therefore, we continue to bend the former - to control their every movement and over and over again run up against the growing resistance and demand for independence.

The child is carried away, absorbed in his new state, and due to weak willpower, he, while with difficulty switching from one activity to another, may simply not understand the speech addressed to him. The child has no intention of tyrannizing you on purpose, he simply may not have enough attention to listen to you or the moral strength to obey. So, we can say that kids at this age sometimes act up not because they want to achieve a certain goal, they simply cannot cope with their stubbornness.

But what to do - physiology!

From stubbornness to caring

Which, however, can develop into a character trait. Indeed, with all the inevitability of physiological processes, the traits of stubbornness are manifested with special force in proud and at the same time active and energetic children by nature. Such children in the "age of stubbornness" need special understanding and support. The main thing for you is not to waste time on trifles, to set priorities correctly.

Try to give your children as much freedom as possible during this time. If he is such an "adult", let him put it on like that. different color mittens, since he really wants it, and he will see how the guys in the yard react to it. Do not bother him to put, removing toys, a book on the ball - it will fall to the floor even without your instructions. It is worth interfering only when it comes about the safety of a child trying, say, to run down the stairs two steps like an adult. I will say more: you can try to turn the moments of stubbornness to the benefit of the baby.

A friend's daughter suddenly got tired of washing her hands before eating, no stories about germs helped. She made a decision and stubbornly walked past the sink to the table. And my friend managed to solve this problem precisely through the child's desire for independence. She asked the girl to wash her hands ... for her mother. And Natasha did it with pleasure, she washed better than herself, and even helped to wipe her hands. It is clear that after such care of the parents, the girl no longer needed to be called to hygiene once again. Along the way, it turned out that the desire for independence easily turns into the desire to take care of others.

And mine once became stubborn and did not want to leave the street for anything, despite the fact that she was clearly tired. And then I was lucky - a magnificent collie, obviously not from our neighborhood, walked by, along with its owner. "Listen, - I said to Nastya. - We ran home, tell dad who we saw!" My daughter rushed to the house with all her might to share her impressions. When she grew up, the classic technique called "Switching attention" in literature, alas, stopped acting ...

Childish stubbornness will overcome itself - if you use the very desire for independence, which lies at the basis of this quality.

Stubborn parents

To oppose childish stubbornness to adult stubbornness is not just hopeless, but harmful and, in my opinion, dishonest. In no case should parents get involved in a struggle with their children, because in every struggle there are winners and losers. Kids, of course, will not defeat their parents, but for the latter ... Do you really like to feel cooler than a little one?

And do you have enough flexibility and imagination to switch the little person to something interesting for him, corresponding to the magical game world in which he lives? Do you know how to distinguish shades of relationships, based on the temperament of the child (do you feel him, in general?), Or do you only need his submission? Assess your behavior towards your baby. Are you humiliating him?

And the strangest thing is that you compensate for these impulses by feeling, perhaps, guilt for being too strict, overly indulging, caressing your son or daughter. At these moments, you forgive them everything, remove all prohibitions. And after that, you are still surprised that he stubbornly, without pulling away from the shelf, demands some kind of toy from it? Your impermanence is absolutely incomprehensible to your child. Why was it possible to watch the cartoon until 10 pm yesterday, but not today? He will insist on his own ad infinitum ...

Keep in mind that by going too far with the prohibitions, you risk damaging the child's psyche. And, quite possibly, you will soon start complaining not about the stubbornness of the baby, but about his timidity and difficulties in relationships with peers. Your child has lost confidence in himself, along with stubbornness you "threw out" his independence.

Number

2.5 years - this age is the peak of children's stubbornness.

In the fight against stubbornness:

do not try to instill something in your child, scold him - this will excite him even more;
be persistent with the child; if you said no, stand your ground;
exclude from the arsenal a rude tone, harshness, the desire to "break by force of authority";
do not resort to the help of outsiders: the child needs only this - hysteria and capriciousness require spectators.

Distract and not crush

Every child goes through several ages of stubbornness.

They are called transient. First. Usually between 2.5-3.5 years. The kid may suddenly even completely stop talking, start doing again in his pants. Some parents can do trouble at this time, they begin to punish early in the day. CAREFULLY! YOU RISK TO BREAK THE PERSONALITY at the very beginning! After all, the child here throws down his first challenge to fate, the world and himself. To become a man, he MUST LEARN TO BE WILL.

Advice: in 1/3 of cases, give in, in 1/3 of cases, insist on your own, in 1/3 of cases, leave the question open - to distract and be distracted. And by the age of 4, it goes away.

The second exacerbation is somewhere between 6-7 years, or closer to 8-9. Everything is the same, but on a different level. At this time, the volume of requirements begins to grow - toys are giving way to textbooks. And the child again has to prove to himself that he can be, if not a complete manager, then at least a co-owner of his “I”, and besides “must” he has the right to “want”. If at this time to squeeze with "must", neither real study, nor a real personality can take place; if you do not put the squeeze on - the same!

ATTENTION: Relapses of stubbornness and all denials will now always occur when the child feels infringed on his little, but even more precious rights, when his self-esteem is threatened, when his activity will be suppressed, when he is bored ...

A MISTAKE FROM WHICH IS THE HARDEST TO REMAIN

REMEMBER: People DO NOT greet, wash, brush their teeth, read books, do (sports, music, manual labor, language ... self-improvement), work, get married ... ONLY BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN FORCED TO DO IT. People, ALSO, do all sorts of bad things and have bad habits ONLY BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN INSURED NOT TO DO IT. Is it always like this? No not always. But too often to be considered an accident.

Based on the book V. Satir, V. Levy "A Quick Guide

on raising children "

Most parents turn to child psychologist because they think they have a nervous child. This concept can have several meanings, it all depends on the specific situation, behavior model. A child is mentally unbalanced only when he often has a negative attitude towards the world around him, parents, relatives and friends. How to recognize and mental abnormalities?

Causes of nervous disorders

A child is called nervous if he behaves aggressively, is constantly frightened of something, cries, gets annoyed over trifles, rolls up, is easily aroused. Often the problem lies not in physiological abnormalities, but in an erroneous educational system. Parents will have to correct their mistakes before it's too late.

On children younger age some factors are reflected, therefore, it is necessary to create comfortable conditions for the formation, development of the personality:

Constant daily routine.
Adequate sleep.
Balanced diet.
Measured physical activity.
Personal hygiene.

Important! If all physiological factors are present, but the child continues to misbehave, you need to make some adjustments in your relationship.

Using nerves to your advantage

Parents often underestimate their crumbs. All kids are pretty practical. When they choose a model of behavior for a "nervous" child, rather than balance, calmness, they see the benefit for themselves. First of all, parents are to blame for this: they taught me to use nervousness, screams, tantrums to achieve certain goals.

Consider a common situation! Dad is busy, and son needs something. The child begins to quietly ask, the parent replies: "Now, wait a little", while not leaving his business. After that, the child becomes persistent, is capricious, cries, throws a tantrum, and dad is immediately undermined, gives what the child asked. What kind of behavior do you think the baby will develop? Of course, he will get used to expressing his desires in hysterics. Who is to blame for this? Parents who need to devote enough time to their child.

What should dad do? Immediately fulfill the requirement, if it is real, and do not wait for a tantrum. Whims cannot be indulged. If you cannot fulfill the requirement, calmly explain to the child, turn your attention to something else. Psychologists categorically forbid to accustom the baby to the model: "I cried - I got what I wanted"... Your goal is to teach your child to think differently: "Asked normally - received a reward"... You must by all means create healthy, calm conditions without whims, aggression.

Should there be parental composure?

Did you miss the moment? Do you want to improve? You need to teach your baby to think in the opposite direction. Give what you want only when the child is calm, be sure to praise that the child does not cry, behaves well and in a balanced manner.

In addition, the main mistake of parents is inconsistency in punishments, rewards, and prohibitions. Many moms and dads can evaluate one act differently. In one situation they are punished, and in another they simply do not notice. This suggests that parents make demands, but do not always make sure that the child fulfills them, and then they begin to punish.

Let's give an example: the baby is watching TV, the mother passes calmly asks: "Turn it off already"... How does a child perceive information? Continues to watch TV further.

What would need to be done? Mom must say: "You watch for another minute and that's it, I turn off the TV", then you need to come up and turn off. Of course, the child will start asking for an extension of the time, if only by 5 minutes, then it is possible, in other situations it is impossible to indulge.

The parental word should not fade in the eyes of the child.
List the requirements, go to the end, so that the baby clearly adheres to them.
Do not throw threats: "Once again you will be punished"... Bring it to life! Only it shouldn't be, find other methods of influence.
Watch for the appropriateness of bans. From the early childhood the toddler hears instructions such as: "Sit down quietly!", "Don't touch!", and begins to be treated as optional. After all, when you say this to a small child, he still runs, jumps, touches. Doubtful phrases: "Don't shout on the bus", "Don't eat with your hands", because the baby will do it anyway at his age. Subsequently "It is forbidden" turns a normal child into a nervous one. It is better to calmly explain why you cannot shout, touch something, etc.

Often, children's increased nervousness is associated with excessive excitement, which appears for the following reasons:

Rapid change of events.
Many vivid impressions.
An overabundance of information.

Children are too sensitive to everything, they can become nervous in any situation, it does not have to be catastrophic. It's just that the child comprehends it that way. Psychologists believe: a child can easily endure the divorce of his parents, without, if the situation is not heightened, the situation is too dramatized.

When parents constantly quarrel, the child has to arrive in a nervous environment, where screams, tears, aggression, assault, the child, too, after a while begins to show his emotions.

Remember! Children quickly absorb what is happening around them. The task of parents is to positively tune their crumbs, not to convey a negative attitude to them, to try to control themselves. Only then will the child be balanced.

So, you need to be attentive to your children. Sometimes their nervousness is the first symptom of a serious disorder. emotional sphere... To remedy the situation, you will need to make every effort. Don't show, don't show your anger to babies. Better kiss, hug, call your children affectionately, do everything so that they grow up calm and healthy!

Children are the happiness of our life, and sometimes they are small rages, when their nerves are losing their strength and you want to start educating.

If you want to be not just a parent, but also maintain a strong emotional connection with your child, learn to understand them, listen, then this does not require super new knowledge or higher education.

Everything is much simpler than it seems at first.

Rules for treating a child

Respect;

Don't confuse respect with permissiveness. Respecting your children means:

Listen when they turn to you without interrupting - after all, we ourselves demand the same from them;
It is important to take into account their opinion on an equal footing with the opinion of the rest of the family, always explaining your refusal;
To address children politely, as we address to all other people - you will not tell your friend or boss "shut up" or "leave me alone, I have no time";
No need to recoup the children. It is always, of course, easier to vent anger on the weak, on the one who cannot answer.

Rate your behavior in this regard. Adults are also mistaken and sometimes want to tell them rudeness, what is holding you back from this? Do not be rude to your own children. Remember, being polite is not a weakness! This is power.

"No" to unjustified expectations;

They say that grandparents love their grandchildren more than parents love their children.

This is because the first ones are waiting for the appearance of babies, without thinking about what they will be (of course, there are exceptions among the older generation), and parents always have certain expectations.

Calm parents find it difficult to perceive a hyperactive child, they will get tired and upset (about how to raise active baby, read the article Choleric Child >>>);
If, on the other hand, activist parents have a melancholic child, they will be angry with him for his slowness and will always rush him.

Accept your baby the way he was born - not everything depends on upbringing and genes, there is an individuality, personality.

Find undeniable pluses in his character and rejoice at success, even if they are not in the area in which you would like to see them.

Make time for your children;

If you're shopping together or just sitting at home, that's not it. We need both bodily contact - hugs, tenderness, touch, and communication.

You can play together, or make a pizza together, or take a walk, but in any of these moments the most important thing must be present - you must talk. And not just - heart to heart.

Tell your child stories from your life that you see fit, or just something that you saw or heard recently, and then ask what he thinks about it. You can't even imagine how much you learn new!

And you will understand that a child is the same person, thinking and reasonable, but who has less experience and knowledge.

Important! Be sure to give your child the opportunity to share something too and listen carefully.

Explain everything;

Why you need to eat this porridge, why you can't go for a walk in severe frost / wind / heat, why is it necessary to brush your teeth - even if you say all this for the tenth time;
And if you think that the child really already knows, answer the question with a question, ask, really - why?
Sometimes your baby asks or does something just to get your attention. So give him this attention in something else and he will not pester you with the same thing. Tell a fairy tale in the spirit of "there was a boy who did not want to go to bed ...". Or explain everything in an adult way. Children value the truth very much.

Be more tolerant;

After all, you do not want to offend those you love. Children teach us a lot, parents and patience - first of all.

Children's fears are very strong, you should not ignore them. And most of all, the child is afraid of losing you. That is why it requires so much attention to itself. He has to make sure you love him too every time.

Therefore, when losing your temper, remember what this baby means to you and try to calm down before you say hurtful words.

You will learn more about the peculiarities of child psychology from 0 to 5 years old from the Internet course Obedience without screaming and threats >>>.

You will understand the reasons for the child's bad behavior;
Learn more than 10 ways to negotiate with your baby in a disputable situation;
Learn to communicate with your child without screaming or threatening.

Don't shout - it is humiliating. Themselves remember how you feel when you are shouted at by those to whom you cannot answer and do not do this to your dearest person.

Tell your children you love them;

This is a very important point. Every person wants to feel needed. Loved means needed. Do not think that this can spoil the child. There is never a lot of love, especially when it is for children.

Say that you love the way you would like to hear it in relation to yourself. Learn to express your love in different ways.

Don't be a tyrant;

Try to remove phrases like "because I said so!", "I told you so!" and “don't ask stupid questions”;

Be softer. Of course, there are times when you need to be firm, but these are rare cases.

Don't say that other children are better than your child in any way;
Praise his positive aspects, successes, talents;
If something is wrong, offer to cope with the problem together, and do not point out mistakes with a reproach. Still, if children have problems, at least half of the fault lies with the parents;

Don't ignore the child;

This is the biggest mistake. One case that I saw personally will illustrate this:

On the playground, parents stand and drink beer. The child looks at them, but they are somehow indifferent to everything. Another boy is swinging on a swing nearby. Suddenly, the baby runs too close to the swing and at that moment his mother seemed to wake up, immediately rushed to him, began to scold.

What do you think this kid was up to for the next 15 minutes?

Of course, I ran under the swing.

Because that's the only way his mom paid attention to him. Moreover, the parents did not understand anything and then just went home. But this is exactly what happens in many families, where children get out of control, start to do terrible things.

Lead by example;

Working on yourself is the very first thing you need to learn.

You love animals - and the child will be;
Are polite with neighbors - and the baby will greet them;
You try to do your job honestly and conscientiously - then you can expect good school performance from your children.

Talk about correct behavior you can do a lot, but only to no avail, if you yourself do not adhere to such thoughts. And be sure to help when a child asks for help!

Be happy yourself!

Only happy parents can have happy children.

Start thinking positively, direct your thoughts in a different direction from everyday problems and worries, stop feeling sorry for yourself and always complain about life.

Take care of your happiness - then you can make happy those who are around, first of all, your children.

Most often, parents begin to complain to doctors and teachers that the child has become disobedient, "got out of hand" and behaves badly, at the moment when this child has "been knocked" for 5-7 years and has already managed with his antics and tantrums " bake "all their relatives - both close and distant. But the methods of upbringing that help to raise an adequate and obedient child, you need to start practicing much earlier - as soon as the baby is one year old. Moreover, these techniques, in essence, are nothing at all ...

The main law of pedagogy of all times and peoples: a small bird does not control a flock

Perhaps the majority of child psychologists and teachers around the world, no matter what concepts of upbringing they are promoting, agree in one opinion: a child in a family should always take the place of a subordinate (follower), and not a subordinate (leader).

As soon as this family law is turned upside down and the voice of the child becomes dominant in the family (in other words: adults “dance to the tune” of the little one) - it is at this very moment that a naughty child appears in the family ...

Where Do Difficult Children Come From?

1 There are no pedagogical principles in the family. For example: a parent communicates with a child solely against the background of his own mood - today dad is kind and allowed to watch cartoons until midnight, tomorrow dad is out of sorts and already at 21:00 drove the child to sleep.
2 When the pedagogical principles of adult family members differ dramatically. For example: to a child's request to watch cartoons after 21 pm, dad says "no way," and mom gives the go-ahead. It is important that parents (and preferably all other household members) are united in their positions.
3 When parents or other household members are "led" by children's whims and tantrums. Young children build their behavior on the level of instincts and conditioned reflexes, which they catch instantly. If a baby with the help of hysteria, yelling and crying can get from adults what he wants, he will use this technique always and as long as it works. And only when the screams and tantrums cease to lead him to the desired result, the child will finally stop yelling.

How to stop childish tantrums: one or two!

Old scheme (most parents usually do this): as soon as your baby burst into crying and screaming, stamping his feet and hitting his head on the floor - you “flew up” to him and were ready to do anything to calm him down. Including - agreed to fulfill his desire. In a word, you behaved according to the principle "I will do anything, as long as the child does not cry ...".

New scheme (this should be done by those who want to "re-educate" a naughty child): as soon as the baby began to scream and "make trouble", you calmly smile at him and leave the room. But the child needs to know that you continue to hear him. And while he is shouting, you do not return to his field of vision. But as soon as (even for a second!) The child stopped yelling and crying, you again return to him with a smile, demonstrating all your parental tenderness and love. Seeing you, the baby will start yelling again - you just calmly leave the room again. And again return to him with hugs, a smile and all your parental adoration exactly at the moment when he stops yelling again.

However, feel the difference: it’s one thing if a baby bumped, something hurts him, he was offended by other children, or he was frightened by a neighbor’s dog ... In this case, his crying and screaming is completely normal and understandable - the baby needs your support and protection. But rushing to console, hugging and kissing a child who just threw a tantrum, who is capricious and tries to get his way with tears and screams is a completely different matter.
In this case, the parents must be adamant and not succumb to "provocations".

A well-known popular children's doctor, Dr. E. O. Komarovsky: “As a rule, it takes 2-3 days for a child to form a persistent reflex“ When I yell, nobody needs me, and when I am silent, everyone loves me ”. If the parents hold out for this time, they will get an obedient baby, if not, they will continue to face childish tantrums, whims and disobedience. "

The magic word "No": who needs bans and why

Meanwhile, parents should correctly and as carefully as possible use prohibitions when raising children. First of all, because the safety of the child himself and his environment often depends on this.

The child's safety depends first of all on how adequately (and therefore - quickly and systemically) the child reacts to the prohibition. If the baby is rolling on a scooter, carried away by the process, and immediately stops in front of a stream of cars, clearly and obediently responding to his mother's cry "Stop, no further!" - it will save his life. And if a child is not accustomed to react "ironically" to prohibitions, you will not be able to save him from an accident: without reacting to "no", he will reach into the fire with his hands, jump out onto the roadway, overturn a pot of boiling water on himself, etc.

In a certain sense, the forbidden word "No" has a protective property for the baby. Your parental task is to teach your child to instantly respond to a signal and obediently follow it.

Precisely because prohibitions play such an important role in the upbringing of obedient children, parents must be able to use them correctly. There are several rules that will help them with this:

1 It is necessary to use the very word “not” rarely and only on business (most often - either if the prohibition concerns the safety of the child and other people, or in order to comply with the generally accepted social norm - you cannot throw garbage anywhere, you cannot call names and fight, etc. .P.)
2 The child must clearly understand that if something is forbidden to him, this prohibition always applies. For example: if a child has a severe allergy to milk protein and is not allowed ice cream, then even if he brings 15 "fives" from school at once, ice cream will still not be allowed.
3 Bans like “no” or “no” are never discussed. Of course, parents should explain to the kid in the most detailed and intelligible way why they forbid him this or that, but the very fact of the ban should never become a subject of discussion.
4 It is unacceptable that the positions of parents on the subject of any prohibition diverge. For example, dad said "no", and mom - "okay, you can just once";
5 Any "no" must be observed everywhere: in Africa after 5 years - it will also be "no". To a greater extent, this rule applies not even to children and parents, but to more distant relatives - grandparents, aunts and uncles, and so on. Often, after all, such a situation happens: for example, you cannot eat sweets at home after 17 in the evening (it spoils your teeth), but at your grandmother's vacation you can as much and whenever you want ... There is nothing good in the fact that in different places the child lives in different ways rules.

If all else fails

In 99% of cases of bad behavior in children, this problem is purely pedagogical. As soon as the parents begin to correctly build their relationship with the baby (learn to adequately use the prohibitions and stop responding to children's cries and tears), the child's whims and tantrums will come to naught ...

Doctor E. O. Komarovsky: “If parents behave correctly and unbendingly, consistently and in principle, if they keep the spirit in front of children's whims and tantrums and their willpower is enough not to give up, then any, even the most powerful and noisy , the child's tantrums will pass one hundred percent and literally in a few days. Mom and Dad, remember: if a child does not achieve his goal with the help of tantrums, he just stops yelling. "

The most important principles of parenting

The topic of child education is immense, multifaceted, multi-layered and generally difficult for ordinary people to perceive. Tons of clever parenting books are published annually, but just like a hundred years ago, most parents now and then face the challenges of disobeying their children. And these parents, when solving problems, need some kind of support, some basic principles that they should be guided by. These principles include:

1 Always praise your child generously when he is doing the right thing. Alas, most parents "sin" by taking the baby's good deeds for granted, and the bad ones as out of the ordinary. In fact, the child is still only building his behavioral reactions and models, for him often there are no evaluations of "good" and "bad", and he is guided by the evaluation of people close to him. Praise and encourage his obedience and good behavior, and he will happily try to do as you approve as often as possible.
2 If the baby is capricious and does not behave correctly - do not judge the child as a person! And judge only his behavior at a particular moment. For example: let's say the boy Petya behaves badly on the playground - he pushes, offends other children and takes scoops and buckets from them. Adults are tempted to scold Petya: "You are a bad boy, you are a mean and greedy!" This is an example of condemning Petya as a person. If such promises become systemic, at some point Petya will really turn into a bad boy. Scold Petya correctly: “Why are you behaving so badly? Why do you push and hurt others? Only bad guys hurt others, but you're a good boy! And if you behave like a bad person today, I will have to punish you ... ”. So the child will understand that he himself is good, he is loved and respected, but his behavior today is wrong ...
3 Always take your child's age and development into account.
4 The demands you make on your child should be reasonable.
5 Punishments for misconduct should be consistent in time (you cannot deprive a three-year-old kid of evening cartoons for spitting porridge in the morning - a small child will not be able to understand the misdemeanor-punishment connection).
6 When punishing a child, you yourself must be calm.

Any psychologist will confirm to you: every interlocutor, including a child (no matter how small he is), hears you much better when you do not shout, but speak calmly.

7 When talking with a child (especially in situations where he does not obey, is capricious, hysterical, and you are irritated and angry), always focus on your tone and manner of speaking - would you like to be talked to you in this way?
8 You should always be sure that your child understands you.
9 Personal example always works much better than telling you how to do the right thing or not. In other words, the principle: "Doing as I do" brings up a child many times more effectively than the principle "Do as I say." Be an example for your kids, remember that consciously or not, but in many ways they are your copy.
10 As a parent, as an adult, you must always be ready to rethink your decisions. This is especially true for parents of children 10 and older, when the child is already able to enter into discussions, give arguments and arguments, etc. He must understand that the decision is always yours, but that you are ready to listen to him and under certain circumstances you can change your decisions in favor of the child.
11 Strive to convey to the child what the result of his actions will be (especially if he does the wrong thing). If the baby throws toys out of the crib, do not pick them up, and the baby will quickly learn that as a result of this behavior, he loses his toys. With older children and in more serious situations, you can simply say what will happen if the baby does this and that ...