Perhaps it is impossible to find a person among us who would not dream of happy love... However, not everyone can boast of a harmonious and strong relationship. Someone manages to become disillusioned with the very idea of ​​love and begins to consider themselves a hardened lone cynic, because it's easier this way. Someone has been looking for that same soul mate for decades, without noticing, just after time makes the same mistakes that lead to the collapse of the relationship. Why is this happening? According to psychologists, we are doomed to disappointment only because we are prone to substitution of concepts and do not fully understand what we really want from loved one.

A mother who is overprotective of her son can speak of her great love for him, that she wishes him exclusively good, but at the same time suppress all his attempts to establish relations with the opposite sex. She really believes that she loves her son and simply protects him from inappropriate candidates, but in fact she is guided by the fear of loneliness. This also happens in the relationship between a man and a woman, when completely different feelings are accepted by us for the very notorious unearthly love. For example, some women still believe that a man's jealousy, reaching the point of assault, speaks of how much he loves her.

Most often, love is confused with psychological dependence on a partner. To understand the differences between them, let's first talk about what addiction is.

What is addiction?

In a sense, all humans are dependent beings. We need food, air, human warmth and communication, self-realization. However, these healthy needs are always in harmony with each other, without pushing others away. Our need for food does not negate our need for creative expression. But when one of them begins to dominate or be denied unconditionally, psychological problems begin. For example, women who are too keen on the process of losing weight can reach an aversion to food, which develops into a serious illness, anorexia nervosa. So in a love relationship: there is nothing wrong with needing the love and acceptance of a certain person. But if the relationship with him leads to the fact that we forget about the existence of other people nearby, we lose interest in work and hobbies, this can be considered alarming "bells".

But what prompts us to focus so much on one need, excluding all others? Psychologists argue that fear of the real world and low self-esteem are at the root of any addiction. How Small child he is completely concentrated on his mother, extremely dependent on her, because his survival depends on his mother, so we are looking for the very stronghold of stability, consolation amidst the storms of life. In another person, we often want to find a caring mommy or a caring daddy who will take responsibility for our own lives for us. In other cases, we, on the contrary, want to become symbolic parents for the partner, save him from himself and become an irreplaceable "light in the window" for him. Thus, we play our own psychological drama, the roots of which often lie in childhood. So, addiction is also the reduction of a loved one to a clearly defined role: our child, parent, lover or friend. In a healthy relationship, these roles are harmoniously combined and both partners are open to the changes that addicts fear so much.

What is love?

After talking a little about addiction, we will try to understand what love is. Many works of art and science have been written about this feeling, so it is impossible to cover all its diversity. We will only point out those characteristic features that psychologists emphasize in their works. Firstly, love relationship always voluntary, they contain a minimum of fear and a maximum of mutual pleasure in what is happening. If the greatest pleasure for partners is not the joint pastime and the joy of the presence of another, but the feeling of power over him (the requirement of guarantees, vows of eternal love, control over his life), then it comes it's about addiction.

Secondly, true love, as the most wonderful human feeling, inspires us to develop and makes us happy. It is not for nothing that they say that it gives the feeling of wings behind the back. Thanks to this feeling, we become better, we have more strength. And thirdly, love allows us to see and accept a person as he is, and respect his right to choose. True love the idealization of a partner is alien, when the “rose-colored glasses” of falling in love make us see perfection in our beloved.

Differences between love and addiction

• At the root of dependence lies fear (loneliness, rejection), love is always voluntary and joyful. Truly loving people appreciate how well they are together and enjoy it. Addicted couples think more about how bad they would be without each other, and are desperately afraid of losing a partner.
• People prone to addiction have low self-esteem, and therefore they constantly need confirmation from a partner of his love (signs of attention, gifts, vows), they can panic at the slightest threat of parting, they cannot function normally without the constant support of a loved one. Psychologically healthy people who are capable of love do not need a partner to constantly strengthen their self-esteem and encourage them.
• In dependent relationships, the balance of interchange is usually imbalanced. One partner, as a rule, is obsessed with the desire to give everything to his beloved, while the other is used to only accepting. In love, both parties are equal.
• Love motivates you to new achievements and makes you more energetic. Addiction takes away strength and makes you more and more locked in its own shell.
• Addicted individuals are desperately afraid of change, especially in relation to a partner. They crave to see him in only one role, with the behavior, tastes to which they are accustomed. This guarantees their safety. Loving people are able to adapt to change, change and develop together.

Tatiana Kulinich for https: // website

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Love or addiction?

How to distinguish love, or a healthy, safe attachment, from an unhealthy, pathological attachment? In other words, what is the difference between happy love and unhappy love?

Let's listen to Natalia. She is a young, very attractive woman with a higher education. Successful in her business, secured, economically independent. She is 31. I have never been married. She says: “I am chronically unlucky in love. I do not understand what is the reason. My character is docile, they even say pleasant. I am sociable, cheerful, in the company I can revive the fun, I love dancing, I do fitness. I follow the figure. Men like me. I also like men - serious, solid, intelligent and temperamental.

Recently I had another romance, as always, short-lived, for four months we knew each other. Everything went well in the beginning. He showed interest in me, I liked him too. I did not notice when and how it happened, that he became the most precious thing in the world for me. I "hung" on it. Yes, I called him too often. Yes, I did not hide that he is everything to me! I took over all his affairs, I was overwhelmed with his problems. I endured when he paid less and less attention to me. In the evenings I could hardly restrain myself so as not to call him. I sat and stupidly waited for the call. I think he knew what state I was in. He stopped calling altogether. We broke up".

Natasha had several novels that followed a similar scenario. At first, they like each other about equally. Then comes the insight: "This is him!" Natasha can't help herself, she hangs on him. She throws her interests, her affairs and even her friends somewhere. She simply does not think about anything other than her lover. Her love resembles obsession, addiction. She absorbs a man with her attention. He has nothing to breathe, he has no psychological space for his life. Its borders are violated, she invades him as an occupier, tries to subjugate him. Its borders have also collapsed. But he leaves. She "strangled" him in her arms.

Natasha's grief is endless. She believes that life is over. Until a new love breaks out, it hurts to look at Natasha. The eyes go out, the figure loses its sportiness. From a distance it is clear that she "has no one." Finally, a new meeting ... and everything repeats itself.

Doesn't Natalia's state of alcohol dependence remind you? Euphoria, depression. Ups and downs. The insatiable need for love as the insatiable need for alcohol. Fatal addiction.

There is even a word such as "anyaholism" by analogy with alcoholism. "Anyaholic" is always not enough for the warmth that the partner gives. They cannot come to terms with the fact that there are two separate "I", they want a single "we".

And this means internal lack of freedom, dependence. If a person is addicted, he is in danger of becoming unhappy. If the beloved weakens his love a little, suffering begins. And if she cheats, she leaves ... The severity of the state of the abandoned woman in this case resembles the state of taking away the substance to which the addiction has developed. Hangover Syndrome. It takes a sip of the same - new love in one case, alcohol - in the other, to make it easier.

As alcoholism is a recurrent disease, that is, recurring, so the scenario of "anyaholism" is repeated. The alcoholic makes vows - that's enough, you have to tie it up. An abandoned woman can also say to herself: “That's it, I won't fall in love anymore. Some suffering from this love. "

This is an attempt to get rid of unhappy love on a rational level. The attempt fails because our subconscious minds violently rebel against it. The idea of ​​their dependence, helplessness and uselessness only strengthens.

And the well-wishers whisper: “Look at him. Is he worthy of your tears? " Hatred arises. As if a switch had been flipped. There was love and suddenly - again! And hate. This is another misfortune.

Until an indifferent, indifferent, calmly neutral attitude towards the person who brought suffering comes, happiness will not be seen. There will be no recovery. Like alcoholism. While the attraction to vodka is strong, no vows, no horror stories, no coding help. Recovery is possible when drive deactualization is achieved. In simple words, then, when he is no longer drawn to alcohol in a painful way.

If harmony reigns in a person's soul, then love, no matter how strong it is, does not compete with other drives. On the contrary, healthy love, as it were, multiplies all inner strength - it nourishes creativity, reveals talents, gives a special depth to friendship, caring for children and loved ones.

With love addiction, relationships with men occupy an exorbitant place in life and displace, devalue everything else. Isn't this how alcohol rules the alcoholic's life, crowding out or absorbing all other interests? Unhappy love is characterized by altered, displaced experiences. Why was Natasha so involved in the problems of her beloved man as to leave even her friends? If he calls, she is able to cancel any other meeting, any scheduled task.

The stereotype, the repetition of the situation is reminiscent of the characteristics of alcoholism. When a non-alcoholic person is going to a party, it is impossible to predict in advance how he will behave there. It is possible that he will happen to drink a lot. But this is optional. Everything will depend on the mood, on what kind of company will gather.

The behavior of an alcoholic at a party can be calculated in advance by hours and minutes, from the first drink to the moment when he becomes unbearable and they begin to send him out. There are women whose fate can also be calculated in advance.

No matter how bitter days a mentally healthy, emotionally mature woman has to go through, she always has the future. She can plan it. And her circumstances change, a new person meets, life can go differently. The most important indicator of mental health is a wide, multivariate mode of life.

The life of a woman suffering from love addiction is a non-stop, exhausting search for a man who "will give her everything." He, according to her expectations, will completely turn her fate, even in the case when there is no need for a coup.

In any human union, and in love too, each of the participants must go half way towards the other. “Anyaholic”, in their irrepressible impulse, is in a hurry to run the entire distance entirely - for themselves and for their partner.

As a rule, they have little understanding of the essence of the problem. They often see even advantages in their ability to love. They believe that only a select few women can love this way. This is their natural psychological defense that helps them to live. It also makes it difficult to take a sober look at failures and try to escape.

One of the significant differences between women who are capable of healthy love, a satisfying relationship for both partners, and women suffering from love addiction, is the quality of self-esteem in both. Healthy women, capable of love, value their mind, their qualities, their spiritual wealth, their personality. They themselves appreciate, and do not wait for someone else to evaluate them from the outside. These women know what they want from life and what they can do for themselves. Ask them to write a plan for their life for the next 5 years - this task will not complicate them. By and large, they anticipate their life. They are able to make active efforts to implement their life plan.

Addictive women usually crave external recognition. For them, only the assessment of other people somewhat satiates, feeds their unstable self-esteem. “If I don’t become a wife, I will feel like a failed person,” said one quite worthy woman. This woman considered herself valuable only next to a man. Only a man could provide her with a sense of safety and security, the feeling of "I'm fine." She thought that without relying on a man, she would not even be able to exist.

Healthy women are emotionally mature. They can use all their senses. They can endure suffering, loneliness associated with spiritual growth. They feel good alone with themselves. They know the answer to the question: "Who am I?"

They have well-developed self-discipline - they can postpone the gratification of desires. They have a more constant mood. They do not have such a great oscillation amplitude of fate.

In dependent women, despite the intensity of their suffering, feelings are still superficial, reactions are immature, like in a teenager. They can neither wait nor choose a worthy partner. Feelings change frequently, and it pumps them from hell to heaven. They don't seem to care who they depend on. If only there was someone. They have poor self-discipline. They cannot postpone the satisfaction of their desires for later. Just like children.

Perhaps this is because from childhood they have a feeling of emptiness and hunger for attention. They strive to fill their inner emptiness as soon as possible, to satisfy their hunger for attention. A hungry person makes poor purchases. He hurries and grabs what he gets. These women throw their best qualities to the wind, even honesty with themselves is not the highest value. And "holes in the soul" are formed. Some part of the personality is lost, integrity is lost, there is no sense of identity. They define "Who am I?" only through relationships.

If healthy women are actively building their lives, then addicts take a passive position. They look at a man and even children as the source of their happiness and fullness of existence. If the "anyaholics" are not happy, then they consider others to be responsible for this: "He is to blame, he ruined my youth!" As a result, they are infinitely vicious and feel defeated, destroyed, and even more devastated. Some disappointments. Perhaps the root of the problem is lack of self-sufficiency.

In reality, no one can make another happy. A person with high self-sufficiency is characterized by the feeling “I am worthy (worthy) of love and therefore loved (loved)”. This will be so as long as a woman is true to herself, as long as she values ​​herself for who she is.

For addicted people, this logic is perverted: "I am loved - it means I am worthy of love." The very ability to induce attachment is made dependent on an external circumstance - on the attitude of a particular person. It seems to make up for the deficiency of "I".

Mature, independent individuals have long been psychologically separated from their parents and can now form a new emotional attachment. When they are building a family, the division of roles in the family is not as rigid as that of addicts. Healthy family members can switch roles. This reduces their interdependence. At the same time, it is a training for survival alone, in case of loss of a partner.

It is very difficult for addicts to separate themselves from their parents, change a long-boring job, and even devote themselves to entertainment, find their hobbies. The loss of a partner is so terrible for them that they cannot even bear to prepare for it. It is very difficult for them to practice reducing addiction. It hurts them to give more freedom to another. Therefore, the roles in such a family are solid, ossified, rigid.

Addicted people even tend to increase infantile interdependence, rather than reduce it. They thereby reduce their importance, sabotage their freedom. They also constantly undermine the partner's freedom. Women defiantly refuse to acquire new skills. They hope by their helplessness to tie a partner to themselves. Their position is passive waiting, without their own efforts. They want to receive love, care. Their "give" and "take" is not balanced, the desire to take prevails.

The inability to perceive and respect separateness, uniqueness, "drutism" of a loved one is very common among such women. True, they do not perceive themselves as separate people either. This is the source of much unnecessary suffering.

On an intellectual level, other people exist for them. But on a deeper level, for them, other people are just a reflection of their feminine existence. In the depths of her soul, the whole world is herself.

Between the shores of souls loving people the sea is splashing. Sometimes it's good to be close, but not very close. Otherwise, psychological tightness arises and there is no space for the development of each of the partners. One oak tree does not grow in the shadow of another.

If it were so easy to get rid of love addiction, probably a good half of literature, art, songs, romances would not exist. And yet each of us chooses for himself - to suffer and suffer for and without reason, or to be free.

Margaret Beatty, in her book on codependency, gives the following characteristics of love and addiction (addiction). She believes that love arises in an open system of relationships, and addiction - in a closed system. We will talk further about the systems in which we live.

Comparison of the characteristics of love and unhealthy addiction (according to M. Bitty, 1997):

Breakdown of the relationship of love and unhealthy addiction (according to M. Bitty, 1997):

Love of love is different, that is, we can say that there are varieties of great and pure feelings. Among them, not the last place is occupied by the so-called "neurotic love". It is understood as love addiction, which in its characteristics is very similar to addiction to tobacco, alcohol or drugs.

It is customary to associate a real high feeling with. It manifests itself in full force only when there are no requirements. Calculation, profit, selfishness, jealousy and other unattractive qualities of the human soul hate love. It makes it possible to expand your own inner world due to the knowledge of the personality of a loved one. At the same time, relations become harmonious, and the indestructible connection of two hearts cannot be broken by everyday problems and disorder.

Rice. How is love different from love addiction?

With love addiction, a slightly different situation is observed. In such cases, a full-fledged relationship is absent. In such couples, very often one is a weak person who is in need of constant guidance and care. The second person does not know how to take care of someone, show attention and tenderness.

This behavior is far from ideal, so a relationship with love addiction can turn into a nightmare. The matter is aggravated by the fact that a certain behavioral pattern arises. One is constantly tormented, jealous, realizing at the same time that it is impossible to continue living like this. But he does not have enough mental strength to break off the relationship. The second lives by inertia, guided by habit and confidence in his irresistibility.

At the same time, both are susceptible to love dependence, only it proceeds differently for each. A painful state of hopelessness is more pronounced in a weak personality. And the second partner is much more frivolous and decisive. He believes that he can easily and painlessly end a relationship. But this is a delusion. If the couple still finds the strength to put an end to the mutual connection, then the feeling of annoyance, confusion and disorder will first of all be experienced by the second partner.

Finding another such fool or fool will be difficult, and habit is a great thing. Therefore, having pushed around, a debunked lover or mistress may again appear on the horizon of his seemingly abandoned object of passion.

As for the first partner, after the breakup, he begins to feel tremendous mental relief. Everything, like a drug addict,. The hope for the best awakens in his soul, but somewhere deep in the subconscious there remains a craving for the drug. Show him the dose, and he, like a weak-willed sheep, will run after such a "benefactor."

With love addiction, this can also happen. Therefore, after parting with the object of painful passion, you need not sit at home within 4 walls, but constantly be among people. This will distract you from intrusive memories and give you the opportunity to find yourself a person with whom you can connect your destiny. The best doctor in this situation is time. It heals everything, including love addiction. After all, it has nothing to do with real love, but is painful state of mind psyche.

Over time, the disease passes, and the person himself begins to wonder at his former behavior. He does not understand what he could find in that person, without whom life seemed inconceivable. And everything is explained by certain psychological attitude that has nothing to do with a genuine high feeling.

Love should bring happiness, not mental anguish. If this does not happen, then it means that the person is mistaken in his feelings. He misinterprets them and deceives himself in the first place. But the whole difficulty is that it is very difficult to get rid of such an obsession. This is why doctors talk about neurotic love. Here are just no pills from her. Medicine did not come up with anything that could immediately heal the unfortunate lover.

The mind in such situations is also absolutely powerless. He only adds fuel to the fire, since a person understands everything with his head, but, as they say, you cannot order your heart. Therefore, this behavior model cannot be called simple. But it should be noted that life, in general, is a complicated thing. A ready-made recipes does not exist for the vast majority of life situations.

There can be only one advice here: try to build personal relationships on a positive basis. This is about the same as building a house on the ashes. But they build and then live happily. Here are just a lot of work. V in this case it is nerves, endurance, the desire to adapt to your partner and the ability to close your eyes to his unsightly actions. If all this is properly present, then love dependence will gradually come to naught, and it will be replaced by orderly family relationships.

Someone replaces the concept of falling in love with the term "addiction". Someone thinks falling in love is a temporary madness. Some are trying to weave here the theory of projections, as if a person falls in love with those who supplement him with something. With such a wide range of opinions, all psychologists cannot be right at the same time.

On the other hand, modern psychologists unanimously point out the difference between falling in love and "real love". In their understanding, "true love" is so high, disinterested and filled with respect that it looks more like a strong male friendship, love for the motherland, or love for children and parents.

That is why, first of all, you should decide on the terminology. When they talk about the love of a man and a woman, it is about falling in love. This is what they mean when they talk about "addiction". What is now almost universally called falling in love (or addiction), used to be called unambiguously - love.

Since no matter what the conversation is about, we are always talking about money, especially nimble psychologists even suggest treating love addiction, openly comparing it to drug addiction. The situation predicted in the film "The Andromeda Nebula", where the commander of a starship is offered to be cured of love so that his emotional state does not affect the quality of decision-making. The commander indignantly rejects the "help", quoting at the same time the 29th sonnet of Shakespeare: "I am stronger than all the kings in the world."

People are weak, therefore they turn to "psychologists" for strange reasons, realizing an artificially created need. When psychologists naively say that true love supposedly does not imply suspicion and jealousy, they obviously mean some other love.

For example, such a state when love has already passed. Or love in the sense of feeling similar to the attitude towards children and parents. It is clear that no matter how you call such a feeling, you can even call it love, but these are not exactly the sensations that a man and a woman experience for each other. In reality, the lack of jealousy looks like an incredible coincidence. Only if you specifically take care of the absence of reasons and work together to create harmony.

True love a man and a woman, who, using modern terminology, has to be called falling in love, is not at all a painful condition. Vice versa. It is at such moments of life that all the forces of the body are activated, and the maximum activity of the individual begins.

The most effective incentives for development and further achievements appear. A person receives natural doping, which, moreover, is beneficial for health. Falling in love is especially useful for starting a family. After the "addiction" goes away, there remains the same love that psychologists are talking about. But the person continues to see his couple as in the moments of the first meetings. Are not noticed age changes in the literal sense of the word.

Emotional background can lead to mistakes. It `s naturally. Any emotion, both positive and negative, leads to a weakening of mental activity, as it knocks out of balance.

From the outside it even seems that the person has temporarily become stupid. But there is nothing wrong with that. A person must go through this. There is always a rake that you must step on yourself, and more than once. There is always a place in life for situations when someone else's life experience cannot help.

When they say that the smart learns from the mistakes of others - this is just a witty metaphor. Nobody learns from the mistakes of others. Not everyone learns from their mistakes, they have to make them repeatedly.

The development of emotional dependence is like falling into a black hole: it seems to you that everything is fine, but you do not notice the moment when everything changes. Your life is filled with anxiety, irritation, painful fantasies. The world is distorted, and in its center are the interests of the beloved. If the partner is prone to manipulation and psychological vampirism, such a relationship can turn into disaster.

You feel that you cannot live without him (her)

Addiction is the need for someone who we believe can fill the void in our lives. When you feel that you are alone and can only rely on yourself, someone will come and stretch out a saving rope - someone who can listen, help, whom you can fully trust. But love is not a need.

A healthy mutual feeling is possible only between self-sufficient people. A person prone to addiction has no clear identification and personality boundaries: "I am me." Instead, he thinks, "I don't know who I am." His personality gets confused with the personalities of those with whom he communicates.

In any healthy relationship, there is always a period of idealization. But when it passes, love remains

As a result, such a person becomes obsessed with the object of his immeasurable love. This behavior is fueled by the illusion, "The closer I am to you, the clearer my identity." Having firmly tied his "I" to the personality of another, the dependent person loses free will and the ability to exist separately.

You want everything from him (her) at once

It seems to us that the object of our interest should embody everything that we expect from it. We load him with the whole burden of our ideas about the ideal. These may be mutually exclusive requirements: for example, it is important for us that the other understands at a glance and respects our desires, but at the same time can make all important decisions for us. Sooner or later, such an attitude will lead to disappointment and the desire to "correct" reality.

In any healthy relationship, there is always a period of idealization. But when it passes, love remains (if this is it). As the relationship develops, the trust between partners grows, they become closer. Instead of trying to remake a partner, if he in some way does not satisfy our ideas about him, we accept him.

Healthy and dependent relationships take different directions. In a dependent relationship, we believe that main job will do "magic", "chemistry". In healthy people we constantly work, study and get to know our partner. And our love grows through trials.

You want your partner to belong only to you

Addicted relationships are often filled with jealousy. It arises from insecurity and sometimes reaches the dimensions of clinical paranoia. The addicted person thoroughly examines the pages of the beloved in in social networks, analyzes his every word and look, can even arrange for him to be followed. And this despite the fact that he may not even be aware of this and not consider the relationship serious.

True closeness involves quiet trust. Of course even a good relationship are not free from doubts. But a trusting person first believes and only then suspects. He calmly accepts the fact that his partner is in contact with many different people, among which there are also very attractive personalities. If you need complete control over your lover, this is a sign that you have become addicted and are afraid to break it.

It seems to you that there is a mysterious connection between you

Others may believe that you have nothing in common, that your relationship is continuous quarrels and resentments. But you refuse to believe: it seems to you that it is he who understands you like no one else. This is the work of the unconscious. It pushes us towards those in whom we see a reflection of our unconscious ideas about ourselves.

If you are stressed and vulnerable, if you subconsciously feel that you need help, you will attract people who are experiencing the same. You will not be aware of the dangers because the situation itself will seem familiar. But this feeling is deceiving: such a relationship will only fuel your vulnerabilities and enhance neurotic traits.