You are the person to whom others with great pleasure bring their problems and "dirty linen" at any time of the day. You listen to hundreds of other people's stories, sincerely sympathize and wipe your tears, but as soon as you need help, it turns out that there is no one around. Nobody wants to know about your problems.

Most likely, this means that you do not know how to prioritize and do not value your time. It's time to think about why it is so important for you to be the comforter of all your acquaintances, especially if you are sensitive and take someone else's pain too close to your heart.

You can't say no

You agree with almost everything you are told. You can’t refuse a dubious offer, you take on additional work and then you suffer, suffer, suffer, mentally cursing your weak character.

There is such a wonderful saying: between good neighbors there is an ideal fence. So it is extremely important for you to learn to isolate yourself from others and protect your borders. This is especially important in our digital age, when it seems that people around have hundreds of opportunities to stick their noses in other people's business. Therefore, if you don’t want something, don’t do it and boldly say “no”!

Here's a great piece of advice from Fortune magazine: Use the rule of 24 before answering. Take a time out for a day to carefully weigh all the pros and cons of the proposal. Think about what benefit you yourself from your participation in this matter, what good you will get and in what status you will remain if you give a negative answer. If after a day you are still ready to say yes, speak up.

Yes, and remember - you are not obliged to explain to anyone in detail the reasons for the refusal. This is your own business and nobody's business.

You hate but love to hurt

We know it sounds crazy, but that's the way it is: you hate to get sick, but you do it with great pleasure. After all, you can finally afford to be lazy and lie around doing nothing. You tell people around you what a terrible virus has knocked you down, and you yourself lovingly wrap yourself in a warm blanket and drink delicious tea.

We do not argue at all: you really deserve a little rest and a drop, or even more, of love. Why don't you do it legally, every day and without any cover. You are a wonderful person, an amazing person, and you absolutely do not need official permission to love and feel sorry for yourself.

Richard Ganderman, MD, and a regular contributor to The Atlantic, says that for someone who suffers from a lack of attention, getting sick is the only way to get recognition and make others look at themselves. There is only one recipe here: fill your life with meaning, learn to stop in time and get used to loving yourself. Yes, that's right: surround yourself with such care that you would like to receive from, for example, a loved one.

You can't find time for yourself

“When the children go to school”, “when spring comes”, “when I finish a difficult project” - you give too much of yourself to others if you can often hear these phrases from you. You put off your life for later, and when this “later” comes, it turns out that you no longer need anything, everything burned out in your soul.

Live today, enjoy what you are doing at a particular moment, and then life will bloom with bright colors. Paul Hudson, writer, entrepreneur and columnist for Elite Daily magazine, believes that even the time that he just spends alone with himself is good for a person.

Your personal time does not have to be useful and objectively productive. Of course, it's good if you find time to play sports, learn a foreign language, prepare complex dishes in cooking classes or take dance lessons. But even a simple walk alone will teach you a lot and tell you a lot about yourself.

In Asia, for example, there is a whole useful science of doing nothing, wu-wei, we are talking about it. Try to take a couple of her principles into service in order to make sure in practice how good it is for you to be alone with yourself.

You constantly feel guilty

Houston, we're in serious trouble if you feel guilty about everything: working too long, not working enough, spending a lot of time with your family, not spending enough time with your family, for eating too much, for eating too little. The list, as you understand, is endless.

Guilt gnaws at you from the inside, preventing you from enjoying life and driving you into a vicious circle more and more. It cannot be said that guilt is unambiguously good or unambiguously bad. This emotion has its pros and cons. But when the feeling turns into a heavy burden, something must be done.

You can, for example, arm yourself with evidence. Such advice is given by Psychology Today magazine. For example, you feel guilty about the fact that you devote little time to children, husband, family. Do not be lazy and find evidence that everything is in order with your attention to loved ones. Make a list of what you do together, what rituals hold your relationship together, or just write down all the thoughts about how great it is for you to be around each other, and carry this piece of paper with you. Another wave of guilt will roll over you - take out the treasured piece of paper and make sure that you good mother and wife.

Be yourself, value your boundaries and enjoy healthy relationships with others!

Everyone enjoys being listened to. There is nothing wrong with wanting to let people know what you think or feel, but if you talk too much, your words prevent others from speaking, they become annoying, or even you yourself feel uncomfortable, then sociability can become a problem.

A good friend or interlocutor is always distinguished by the ability to listen. If you're worried that this skill has bypassed you, then consider the following tips and tricks.

Steps

Part 1

Analyze your typical conversation. Let's say you were having lunch with a friend recently and you felt like you were pulling the covers back on yourself in the conversation. Replay the conversation in your head, but don't try to defend yourself. Try to assess whether you really talk more than others? Ask yourself the following questions:

• "Who spoke most of the conversation?";
• "Did we talk more about me or about a friend?";
• "How often did I interrupt my friend?"

1. Do not limit such "reviews" to conversations with loved ones. Think about how you talk to everyone, including the boss, employees, parents and employees of various institutions.

   Watch the body language of the interlocutor. Do people roll their eyes at times when you start talking, or do they tap their feet impatiently? Do they cut out of the conversation, seem to freeze, or get sidetracked as you begin to delve into explanations? Just nodding and answering you with indifferent "Yes" and "Yeah" without wanting to listen to you further? Worse still, can people completely ignore you when you "go on a rampage" and turn away and start a conversation with another person? The most important indicator is always the simplest - the interlocutor may say something like "you talk too much" and leave. The answers to the above questions will help you understand how much you bore people with your conversations. If this is a very common situation, then the answer is obvious.

   People around you often ask you to be quiet. Is your teacher at school or your boss at work constantly asking you to be quiet for a while? Do you speak in parallel with other people? Pay attention to such moments. Talkative people may not notice their verbosity.

   Do not speak at the same time as others. This is an important rule that many simply do not notice. If you are giving a speech, you will probably be upset by other people who are speaking along with you.

   Others often talk about you. At times, the victims of rumors are the people who bother the rest the most. However, one should not proceed only from this criterion, since a large number people take pleasure in complaining about others.

   Keep a count of the times you inadvertently report more than you plan to (information overload). Do you often talk about things that you shouldn't have said? For example, do you accidentally reveal the secrets of friends or your own sensitive issues? Do you express hurtful or rude opinions about people? Notice how often these situations occur in your daily conversations.

   • Sometimes it is helpful to carry a small notebook with you and write down such moments for an accurate assessment.

   Part 2

   How to talk less and listen more

   1. Solve the problem. After completion of self-analysis, confirmation guesswork and your decision to change the situation it's time to act. Don't think, "There is a problem, but I can't do anything about it." If you can handle other complex tasks (playing video games, playing a musical instrument, cooking, gardening), then you can do this one too. In this section of the article, some solutions will be discussed.

      Make a conscious effort to listen more and talk less. The ability to listen will show your interest in the person and their words. Attention will flatter people, because in fact everyone loves to talk about themselves. More interesting topic does not exist for humans. Remember, if you allow the person to talk (start asking open-ended questions, don't interrupt, adjust to body language, and maintain eye contact) and ask follow-up questions, you won't need to talk much to be accepted as a great conversationalist. Many simply believe that you need to constantly talk in order to pass for the best interlocutor. Let's draw an analogy: if a guest at dinner eats more than half of the food that is intended for the whole company, then do you consider such a person an excellent guest? You are more likely to see him as a rude and selfish person who lacks social skills.

      Stop filling all the gaps. This is especially true of communication in a team. Sometimes a pause allows a person to think, sometimes it makes it possible to emphasize and correctly evaluate previously spoken words. Some people like to think and formulate answers carefully. Get rid of the feeling of having to fill every gap, as doing so will confuse the participants in the conversation and take away time to think. Do not abuse your participation in the conversation, otherwise people will think that you are interrupting them. Be silent for 5 seconds and look around. If no one shows any intent to speak up, then try asking a question rather than making an opinion or statement. The most important thing is not to try to fill the gap with a "fun" story. It is better to ask the interlocutors questions.

      Don't try to sound all details of the topic you are discussing. Your answer should not be taken as a lecture at a university. A brief explanation or direct answer to questions will suffice. Then wait and see if the person wants you to continue your story. Focus on the number of questions. Otherwise, the interlocutor will get off with a general "aha" or non-verbal clues that will tell you that what he heard is enough for him.

      Remember that a good conversation consists of an exchange of remarks. If you are asked a question (for example: "How did you spend your holidays?"), then answer to the point and briefly talk about your trip over the weekend. Next, you need to reciprocate and ask a counter question (for example: "Are you planning any trips this year?" - Or: "Enough about me already, how was your week, how was your family?").

      Don't scatter names. If the interlocutor does not know that "Misha" is your neighbor, then you should start the phrase with the words "My neighbor Misha" or clarify the information in the next sentence. Unknown names can annoy the listener, because it gives the impression that he is not up to date, ignorant, or you are just showing off your acquaintances.

      Slow down. It is no exaggeration to say that today there is a growing number of interlocutors who behave like rodeo bulls. Perhaps this is due to the development of technology and the speed of data exchange in the modern world. Sometimes people just get excited and start their exorbitant monologue. They are so engrossed in their own words that they forget about bilateral the nature of the dialogue. Such behavior is selfish. Sometimes it's enough just to mentally tell yourself stop.

      • Take a deep breath and pull yourself together before telling your friends the “incredible” news.
      • Remember to think first and then speak. Your story will have more impact if you first think about what and how you want to communicate.

   2. At the very least, at least stop interrupting others. In today's rapidly changing world, people often interrupt each other to save their own or someone else's time. Many simply ceased to notice such a selfish manner of conversation. Today it is easy to find yourself in a situation where others rudely do not allow you to finish a sentence in order to tell a personal story, voice thoughts and comments, or other nonsense that has no end. In fact, such an action declares to the interlocutor: "I do not find you interesting enough, so I will now talk about everything that seems more interesting to me." It violates a basic rule of human interaction - the need for respect. Next time try carefully listen. Personal contribution is a great way to express yourself, but not at the expense of the other person. Spare no effort to earn the honorary title of "a person who knows how to listen."

      Consider cause and effect relationships. Think about why you like to talk so much. Do you rarely get that opportunity? As a child, no one paid attention to you? Do you feel like a worthless person? Do you spend all day alone? Does an excess of caffeine create an energy need? You don't have enough time, so you speed up the pace of speech? As a result of verbosity and haste, you will only tire the interlocutor and confuse him to such an extent that he will begin to look for an opportunity to politely leave. If you find yourself talking too much, try to pull yourself together: take a deep breath and remind yourself of the opportunity to "realign". Make an effort to talk less.

   3. Learn to express your thoughts in a fun way. This approach will be useful in itself. If you love storytelling, then learn how to stick to the topic, speak engagingly, choose the right pace, and keep your audience interested.

      • Brevity is a very important aspect. If you reduce the number of words, it will probably be easier for you to laugh or surprise the listener.
      • Rehearse your best stories. Sign up for a speaking class. Get the attention you want by attending talent shows and stand-up shows. If you are interesting enough, others will pay less attention to your verbosity and you will be able to interest shy people who prefer to listen more.

   4. Speak in "appropriate" situations. No need to speak when others are trying to focus or work. Tell a friend the news at recess, at lunch, or at the end of the day. If you are not allowed to talk in class or during work, then only discuss work matters.

      • Never speak without permission during meetings or tests.
   • When meeting (with an employee at the end of the day, a friend at the weekend, a partner on a date), start with the usual exchange of questions: "How are you? How was your day?" - Until the conversation stops on a specific topic. After his answer to the question "How is life?" do not rush to tell funny stories, but show reciprocity and ask: "How are you doing?". With such verbal "hugs" you will show the person that you are sincerely glad for the opportunity to talk. You will still have enough time to talk, but in the meantime, keep the balance in the conversation.
   • If you're talking, then don't be afraid to just say: "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm talking too much. Have you started talking about (return to the interlocutor's remark)?". An honest admission of your weakness will endear the person to you and show you care.
   • It takes time to get rid of bad habits and manners. Do not rush to get upset. You can always turn to a close friend for support. The adviser won't hurt anyone.
   • Try to actively listen to the interlocutor with the help of clarifying questions.
   • Be comfortable with pauses in conversation. Count to five after the person has finished speaking. Try to double this time. Also don't forget to nod, say "yeah", "hmm" or "really?". This will help you not feel awkward during pauses and show your interest, as well as avoid interrupting the interlocutor.
   • During lunch, pay attention to the plates of the interlocutors. If they are eating at their usual pace, but you still have a full plate of food and you are talking, then you should restrain yourself.
   • Don't be afraid to apologize if you are told that you talk too much. In fact, it is an invaluable aid in your attempt to break bad habits and learn to listen.
   • Agree with a friend that she will give you a subtle signal in situations where you return to old habits. It is better to adjust the behavior in real time.
   • Women should pay attention to those who make remarks to them. If your friends and relatives don't tell you about it, but men always complain that you talk a lot, then it is possible that you have developed a good habit of communicating with men on equal terms. In conversations between representatives of the same sex, time is usually distributed between the interlocutors as 50 to 50 (except when someone is too shy or, conversely, talkative). If you are talking 2/3 of the time of the conversation, then you should restrain yourself. In conversations between members of opposite sexes, men usually expect to be listened to 2/3 of the time and a woman will cause inconvenience (according to the man) if her answers account for more than 1/3 of the conversation. Try listening to your recorded conversations and decide to change your behavior or ask your male friends to reflect on their own habits.

   Warnings

   • It should not be assumed that you need to completely shut up. Avoid extremes. Conversations are the most important and logical form of interaction between people, and a sense of proportion will prove to be the best indicator of your conversational skills. Remember Golden Rule: less talk, share less unnecessary details from life and remember that both interlocutors want to speak. Strive for balance in the conversation. Don't speak for more than 2/3 of the time unless you're literally lecturing, otherwise people will feel uncomfortable.

Hello! Help me, please, with advice. I have been dating a young man for 2 years. I have a daughter, 5 years old, my first husband died. Relations on initial stage were, probably, like everyone else, good, calm, we lived together separately, now we live with his mother. There are no problems, I am a good hostess, we are friends with his mother, the child calls them dad and grandmother. In general, everything is fine. We are going to get married, the application has already been submitted.
We started some quarrels, screams, insults ... he says that there are a lot of me, I'm tired of him with my lisping. I decided to cool off a little, stopped hugging him during the day, kissing him ... I try not to be in the same room with him, I constantly occupy myself with something. And he behaves normally, as if he does not notice my absence. The problem is that I feel so very bad, I miss him, it seems to me that he does not need me ... What should I do right? How can I think right?

Evgenia, Moscow, 28 years old

Family Psychologist Answer:

Hello Evgeniya.

Well, first of all, perhaps a man is nervous before the official ceremony of the conclusion of the union. This happens, and since men most often keep emotions to themselves, embarrassed to talk about them or show them, then perhaps now he has a strong nervous tension, which, finding no way out, transforms into irritation and irascibility. Some men are nervous in front of the registry office, as if crossing some invisible line of freedom and lack of freedom. Moreover, people are different, and one of you may be overly emotional, sensitive, dependent on the mood and presence of a partner nearby, and the other, on the contrary, more freedom-loving, tough, loving to be alone. And at some point, one can "suffocate" the other with their love and attention. The man explained to you that there are many of you. Such honesty is worth a lot, many simply make scandals and go to friends. Now you know for sure that it is important for you not to “strangle” a man, but to give him the freedom to be alone, the freedom not to pay attention to you. You write that you are worried about this. Question - why? What happens to you when a man says you love him too much? Why is it important for you to pay so much attention to him? Perhaps you have decided to devote yourself to him? Or do you not have your own interests, friends, and are you trying to fill your own life with attention to a man or communication with him? Or do you have some idea that good wife behaves exactly the way you behaved, and now, having realized that your husband does not need it, you are confused and do not know how to show him your feelings? What is happening to you? Why are you feeling bad? Or do you have an idea that a man's love for you is that he is constantly with you, thinks about you, occupies you, etc.? Determine what is happening to you. Perhaps an honest answer to yourself will give you the strength to solve your own problem. Try it. Good luck!

Sincerely, Ekaterina Kondratieva.

Who are you? Who are you anyway? - in a humiliating tone, sitting opposite, he shouted to her!
Sophie could barely contain the scream that was torn from the depths of her chest! Resentment and misunderstanding now turned all of her insides inside out. She tried to answer. Indistinctly, stuttering, with trembling lips, she repeated to him that she was his half, his wife, his friend, who had gone through many difficult events with him. She is his woman, the most dear, the most loving. She answered him jerkily, chaotically, because in this situation it was difficult for her to build her speech calmly and coolly. She was choking at such aggression and cruelty of his words. Attempts to attack him in response and present him with some facts convicting him of a lie were not crowned with success in any way! His tone grew louder and more terrifying.
“Who are you to teach me how to live?! Who gave you the right to tell me what to do and when?! I decide everything myself and I will live the way I want it, understand?! And if you don’t like something, I don’t keep anyone, find yourself something that will suit you and don’t take out my brain anymore!
It would seem that so many times when these words were uttered by him, Sophie should no longer pay her attention to them, so painfully, but ... Her idealization of relations with him reached the point of absurdity. Sophie was determined every time to show him how wrong he was by thinking ill of her. In his excessive dissatisfaction when she tries to help him get closer to her and understand her experiences. In his cold feelings and dishonesty. She kept hoping that it was she and only she who was able to make him stronger, to show his most best qualities, his natural kindness and openness, which he is so afraid to show people so as not to look weak. But no! It didn't work. His resistance turned out to be much stronger than her desire to become an ideal for him, his treasure, his faithful girlfriend for the rest of her life.
"Who are you?" - this phrase forever stuck in her memory. Not accepting these words and those emotions that her beloved, adored man expressed, made Sophie very weak and confused. At first, she cursed with him, gave him change with words, also wanted to offend him so that he would understand how painful it was, but nothing got better, and it got even worse. She calmed down slowly, sadly, as if apologizing for having offended him in response to her insult. Her appearance became more and more miserable and exhausted.
She, making one mistake after another, allowing him to change herself, was losing every chance for the happiness she dreamed of. Her dreams of that cozy house with a fireplace and a rocking chair, with geraniums on the windowsills, with fragrant pies on a table with a white tablecloth and a bunch of grandchildren who come to them for all the holidays, disappeared faster and faster every day. Looking at her lover's emotionless gaze and hearing the stream of cruel phrases that sound from his lips every time he was poked (like a kitten) with his face in his hypocritical and deceitful actions, hoping to hear the already obvious "truth", Sophie's dreams were washed away from her memory, like stains of dirt windshield car in pouring rain.
Somehow, seeing him off on a long business trip, she felt that she should tell him this thousandth time how much he is dear to her and how much she still loves him, no matter what ... Having written a huge letter of praise, filled with love and tenderness, she received from him an answer consisting in one word - "Thank you." The trip was the same as all the previous ones. Freedom played in him like bubbles in champagne. But, in the concept of freedom, everyone puts his own special meaning. The meaning of his freedom for Sophie was clear for a long time.
After this letter, she no longer had him, he no longer had her, they themselves no longer had both of them. And from their former, once full of happiness, but a short life in time, there was not a drop left.
Everyone will think that women's whims, girlish foolishness, pride have raged (how so, I'm so cool, and he tells me one word, instead of two volumes about how wonderful I am and how he can't do without me in life). No, it didn't. And it couldn't be. She expected that just this time he would hear her, her fragile heart, her devotion to him, her faith in him, no matter how badly he had acted towards her before. No matter how he hurt her, with his attempts to get something more interesting in life than her. No matter how he squeezed pain out of her with his indifference or coldness. No matter how he lied to her, about his past and about what he was doing in the present, in their joint present. No, that was not the reason. The reason lay in her fear of being disliked by him, misunderstood, not so important and close that he could still open up to her and stop lying. She was simply afraid that her whole life with him would continue to be based on his lies and endless lustful and painful nature, thirsting for more and more adventures. And she, well, will not be able to become and remain that one and the most important in his life. And their joint children can be just as unloved and strangers for him.
For the last time (deciding just for herself that this conversation with him should be decisive and last), she asked him if he could honestly answer her feelings and he answered. “I can't stand people who restrict my freedom. It is better to live alone and use the services for an hour than to be under such scrutiny. Tired. Tired!” (censorship is present in his answer here) - he replied, trying to make his tone more harsh and dismissive. He no longer loved her (this happens, some love passes).
He punished her for all his offenders from the past (apparently). Without guilt punished and pulled the trigger right in her heart. This time, in this shot, he did not miss. He didn't hurt her, he killed her.
- Isn't it already so bad when someone worries about you, worries, takes care of you, knows everything about you in order to be close and dear to you forever?! Sophie asked him.
- I am a free person, an adult and I will not let anyone become my shadow, chasing me on the hottest day! There are too many of you in my life. And I'm having a hard time with you. I change my habits and my way of life, alas, but you do not fit into my new life. You're costing me too much," he told her with a smirk on his face.
Yes, she is too much, she is too much, too much with her - it's cloying. It's sickening for him. But, she can’t do it differently, she doesn’t know how, she doesn’t want to know how. Sophie was just for him. She was so comfortable with him at first, and she thought she was just that comfortable. She thought that she was such a clever and happy woman that she should be with him, and only with him. She does not pretend and is honest with him - this is the most important thing. And Sophie can't control her level of love for him, or her level of annoyance at his wrongdoings. She lived with feelings, emotions, a dream, him alone, them alone, their family. And did he live it all? Did he even live with her? Did he even live with her? And she did. She lived, fell out of love, remembered, returned freedom back to the indignant mind and left. Gone forever. This time I realized that she no longer means anything in his life and will never again prevent him from being free (free from her).

This is my last essay on this topic. It's a pity for girls with open souls and hearts (there are boys like that too), but there's nothing to be done, you have to survive. Never idealize a relationship. Protect your children from this pernicious habit of idealizing something in adulthood. Don't let them torment their hearts and be disappointed in the future. Don't give them a chance to ruin their lives, very practical and pragmatic people. Take care of your children, and therefore be prepared for the fact that you are not eternal, you are replaceable, you are not alone in this system called "Love". You yourself can be deceived and you can deceive yourself, deceive yourself. Not everyone will have such a huge honor from heaven, to be mutually in love and live to a very old age with their loved one who loves you just as much.