When mom was giving book by Anna Bykova, she said: "It seems to me that you already know a lot of this (after all, you have two children and you read a lot :)), but I hope the book will be useful." I replied, "Thank you," but was very skeptical of her. Perhaps the reason is in the name - the topic is quite popular: a lot has already been written ...

Opening the book, I saw that it was easy to read and the text "sounds in a pleasant tone." It is a pleasure to read the author to share his observations at work and personal maternal experience without forcing the reader to do anything.

"Anna Bykova - teacher, practicing psychologist, art therapist and mother of two sons"

1. Children want / can do quite a lot of things themselves. Often, we, parents, do not give them a chance to show independence. The reasons for this are different: lack of time, eternal haste, belief that “I’m an adult, I know better,” etc. etc. Therefore, it is important to remind yourself that a child is a separate person, capable of independent actions and decisions (yes, within the framework of his age capabilities :)).
2. The paradox is that parents dream of their child to be independent, but when he becomes independent, the parents are not ready. After all, independent child Is an uncomfortable child.

Independent child he will be able to take food from the refrigerator (the one he wants).

An independent child himself will be able to choose clothes (the one that he wants).

An independent child will have a point of view that may not coincide with ours or other adults ... And actively defend it ...

“… To be independent means: to think independently; make decisions independently; independently satisfy their needs; plan and act independently; independently evaluate their actions "

It is important to remember that with efforts now (and patience :)), in the future we will bring up an independent person!

"Children are dependent, if it is beneficial for adults"

“For the sake of developing independence, sometimes you have to sacrifice the usual order, but, as the consequences show, the sacrifice is worth it. Clutter is temporary, and the skills children acquire are permanent. "

1. If we talk about mom's free time, then in order to get it, you need to be a little "lazy". And "lazy" mom in the context of the book is not a bad word at all. "Lazy mom" allows the child to be independent, take care of his physical and mental health, has a favorite business / hobby. He understands that perfectionism is “not good”, but you need to be able to correctly set priorities and live according to them, because you still won't have time for everything ...

"Mom's" laziness "at the base should have concern for children, and not indifference"

“A lazy mother does not do for the child what he can handle himself. And with age, his mother gradually lets him go, handing him responsibility for what happens to him. "

1. Another important thought from the book: a child is not our business project.

We, as parents, want only good things for our children, but in the most best impulses, we tend to "forget". We take children to all kinds of circles, we want « do » of them football players, ballerinas, dancers, managers ... to bring up geniuses. But, it is important to remember that a child is not our continuation, it is an independent person, with his own interests and his own way of life!

I read the book in one breath. She became a good reminder of important and the right things... Finally, I would like to say that all children are individual! Each child needs a different approach. There is no one-size-fits-all parenting advice. What works with one will not work with the other. Therefore, I wish all of us mutual understanding with our "independent" children :).

P.S. In the book by Anna Bykova “ An independent child, or how to become a "lazy mom" " you will also read.

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Anna Bykova
An independent child, or How to become a "lazy mom"

© Bykova A.A., text, 2016

© Publishing House "E" LLC, 2016

* * *

In this book, you will learn:

How to teach a child to fall asleep in their crib, put away toys and get dressed

When is it worth helping a child, and when is it better to refrain from it

How to turn off the perfectionist mom in yourself and turn on the "lazy mom"

Why overprotective is dangerous and how to avoid it

What to do if the child says: "I can't"

How to make a child believe in himself

What is coaching education

Foreword

This is a book about simple, but not at all obvious things.

The infantilism of young people has become a real problem today. Today's parents have so much energy that they have enough energy to live their lives for their children, participating in all their affairs, making decisions for them, planning their lives, solving their problems. The question is, do the children themselves need this? And isn't this an escape from your life into the life of a child?

This is a book about how to remember yourself, allow yourself to be not only a parent, find a resource to go beyond this life role. The book is about how to get rid of feelings of anxiety and desire to control everything. How to cultivate the willingness to let the child go into independent life.

A light ironic syllable and an abundance of examples make the reading process fun. It is a story book, a meditation book. The author does not indicate: “Do this, this and that,” but encourages to think, draws analogies, draws attention to different circumstances and possible exceptions to the rules. I think the book can help people with parental perfectionism to get rid of the obsessive and excruciating feelings of guilt, which in no way contribute to the establishment of harmonious relationships with children.

This is a smart and kind book about how to become a good mother and teach a child to be independent in life.

Vladimir Kozlov, President of the International Academy of Psychological Sciences, Doctor of Psychological Sciences, Professor

Introduction

The article "Why I am a lazy mom", published several years ago, still roams the Internet. She went around all the popular parent forums and communities. I even have a group on VKontakte “Anna Bykova. Lazy mom. "

The topic of raising independence in a child, which I then touched upon, was very heatedly discussed, and now, after publication on some popular resource, disputes constantly arise, people leave hundreds and thousands of comments.

I'm a lazy mom. And also selfish and careless, as some might think. Because I want my children to be independent, proactive and responsible. This means that the child must be given the opportunity to show these qualities. And in this case, my laziness acts as a natural brake for excessive parental activity. That activity, which is manifested in the desire to make life easier for the child, doing everything for him. I contrast a lazy mom with a hypermama - that is, one with everything “hyper”: hyperactivity, hyper-anxiety and hyper-protectiveness.

Part 1
Why am I a lazy mom?

I'm a lazy mom

Working in kindergarten, I have seen many examples of parental overprotection. I especially remember one three-year-old boy - Slavik. Anxious parents believed that he was obliged to eat everything at the table. And then he will lose weight. For some reason, in their value system, it was very scary to lose weight, although Slavik's height and chubby cheeks did not raise anxiety about the lack of body weight. I do not know how and what he was fed at home, but he came to the kindergarten with a clear violation of his appetite. Trained by the rigid parental attitude "You need to eat everything to the end!", He mechanically chewed and swallowed what was put on the plate! Moreover, he had to be fed, because “he himself does not yet know how to eat” (!!!).

At the age of three, Slavik really did not know how to eat on his own - he did not have such experience. And on the first day of Slavik's stay in kindergarten, I feed him and observe a complete lack of emotions. I bring a spoon - he opens his mouth, chews, swallows. Another spoon - opens his mouth again, chews, swallows ... I must say that the cook in the kindergarten especially did not succeed in porridge. The porridge turned out to be "anti-gravity": if you turn over the plate, then contrary to the laws of gravity, it remained in it, sticking to the bottom as a dense mass. On that day, many children refused to eat porridge, and I understand them perfectly. Slavik ate almost everything.

I ask:

- Do you like porridge?

Opens mouth, chews, swallows.

- Want more? I bring a spoon.

Opens mouth, chews, swallows.

- If you don’t like it, don’t eat it! I say.

Slavik's eyes widened in surprise. He didn't know it was possible. What you can want or not want. That you can make the decision yourself: eat or leave. That you can communicate your desires. And what can you expect: others will reckon with your wishes.

There is a wonderful anecdote about parents who know better than the child himself what he needs.

- Petya, go home immediately!

- Mom, am I cold?

- No, you're hungry!

At first, Slavik enjoyed the right to refuse food and drank only compote. Then he began to ask for an addition when he liked the dish, and calmly pushed the plate aside if the dish was unloved. He gained independence in his choice. And then we stopped feeding him from the spoon, and he began to eat himself. Because food is a natural need. And a hungry child will always eat himself.

I'm a lazy mom. I was too lazy to feed my children for a long time. In the year I handed them a spoon and sat down to eat next. At the age of one and a half, my children were already wielding a fork. Of course, before the skill of independent eating was finally formed, it was necessary to wash the table, the floor, and the child himself after each meal. But this is my deliberate choice between "too lazy to learn, I'd better do everything quickly myself" and "too lazy to do it myself, I'd rather spend my efforts on learning."

Another natural need is to relieve yourself. Slavik relieved himself in his pants. Slavik's mother reacted to our legitimate bewilderment as follows: she asked us to take the child to the toilet every hour - every two hours. "I put him on a pot at home and keep him until he does all the work." That is three year old child expected that in kindergarten, as well as at home, he would be taken to the toilet and persuaded to "get things done." Without waiting for an invitation, he puffed into his pants, and it did not even occur to him that wet pants should be taken off and changed, and for this to turn to a teacher for help.

If the parents foresee all the child's desires, the child will not learn to understand his needs and ask for help for a long time.

After a week, the problem of wet pants was solved naturally. "I want to write!" - Slavik proudly informed the group, heading to the toilet.

No pedagogical magic. Physiologically, the boy's body at that time was already ripe to control the process. Slavik felt when it was time for him to go to the toilet, and even more so he could reach the toilet. Probably, he could have started doing this earlier, but at home adults were ahead of him, putting him on the potty even before the child realized his need. But what was appropriate at the age of one or two years old was certainly not worth continuing at three years old.

In kindergarten, all children begin to eat on their own, go to the toilet on their own, dress independently and come up with activities for themselves. They also get used to asking for help if they cannot solve their problems.

I do not at all call for sending children to kindergarten as early as possible. On the contrary, I think that a child is better at home until three or four years old. I'm just talking about reasonable parental behavior, in which the child is not strangled by overprotection, but leave him room for development.

Once a friend came to visit me with a child of two years old and stayed overnight. At 9 pm sharp she went to put him to bed. The child did not want to sleep, struggled, was stubborn, but his mother persistently kept him in bed. I tried to distract my friend:

- In my opinion, he still does not want to sleep.

(Of course he doesn't want to. They came recently, there is someone to play with, new toys - he is interested in everything!)

But his friend with enviable persistence continued to lay him down ... The confrontation lasted more than an hour, and as a result, her child still fell asleep. My child fell asleep after him. It's simple: when he was tired, he climbed into his bed and fell asleep.

I'm a lazy mom. I am too lazy to keep the child in bed. I know that sooner or later he will fall asleep on his own, because sleep is a natural need.

I like to sleep on weekends. On weekdays, my working day begins at 6.45, because at 7.00, when the kindergarten opens, the first child, brought by dad in a hurry to work, is already at the front door. Getting up early is cruel for an "owl". And every morning, meditating on a cup of coffee, I calm my inner "owl" that Saturday will give us the opportunity to sleep.

One Saturday I woke up around eleven. My son, two and a half years old, was sitting and watching a cartoon, munching on a gingerbread. He turned on the TV himself (it's easy - to press the button), he also found the DVD with the cartoon himself. He also found kefir and cornflakes. And, judging by the flakes scattered on the floor, the spilled kefir and the dirty plate in the sink, he had breakfast safely and, as best he could, cleaned up after himself.

The eldest child (he was 8 years old) was no longer at home. Yesterday he took time off with a friend and his parents at the cinema. I'm a lazy mom. I told my son that I was too lazy to get up on Saturday too early, because by doing so I would deprive myself of the precious opportunity to sleep, which I have been waiting for all week. If he wants to go to the movies, let him start the alarm himself, get up and get ready himself. Wow, I didn’t oversleep ...

(In fact, I also set the alarm clock - set a vibrating alert and listened to my child getting ready through sleep. When the door closed behind him, I began to wait for a text message from my friend's mother that my child arrived and everything was fine, but for him it was all for frame.)

And I’m too lazy to check my briefcase, my Sambo backpack and I’m too lazy to dry my son’s things after the pool. Also, I am too lazy to do lessons with him (unless he asks for help). I'm too lazy to take out the trash, so my son throws it away on the way to school. And I also have the audacity to ask my son to make me tea and bring it to the computer. I suspect that every year I will become more and more lazy ...

An amazing metamorphosis occurs with children when a grandmother comes to us. And since she lives far away, she comes immediately for a week. My elder immediately forgets that he knows how to do his homework himself, to warm up his own lunch, make a sandwich himself, collect his portfolio and leave for school in the morning. And now he is even afraid to fall asleep alone: ​​grandmother should sit next to him! And our grandmother is not lazy ...

Children are dependent, if it is beneficial for adults.

The history of the "lazy mom"

"Tell me, are you a lazy mom?" - it was quite unexpected to receive such a question in social network... What's this? Some kind of promotion? Resurfaced in my memory nursery rhyme Yakov Akim about a poor postman carrying out a mission related to a letter without a specific address: "Hand over to the Misfit."

And what to answer? Justify? List all your skills, abilities and responsibilities? Or maybe send a copy of the work book?

Just in case, I clarify:

"In terms of?"

And the question is posed differently:

Oh yes, then it's me ...

But initially it was not an article. At one of the many psychological forums, far from the most popular, the topic of the infantilism of the younger generation and its causes was raised. And even more broadly - about the inferiority and weakness of this generation. In short, all the lamentations of the commentators could be reduced to a paraphrased quote from the classic: "After all, there were children in our time!" Or to another classic saying: "Yes, I am in their years ..." After which there were transfers: "at the age of five I ran to the dairy kitchen for baby food for my brother", "at the age of seven I took my brother from the kindergarten," was to cook dinner for the whole family. "

I remember that I allowed myself to ironically speak about the direct relationship between the behavior of children and the behavior of parents: "If mothers were a little more lazy and did not do everything for their children, then the children would have to become more independent." But if you think about it, it really is. After all, children have not really gotten worse in recent decades. They did not become physically weaker and did not lose their ability to work. However, they have fewer opportunities to demonstrate their ability to act independently. Why? Because children's independence has ceased to be a vital need for the family, a need that liberates mother's hands and mom's time for daily bread. Moreover, in the perception of many parents, independence has become synonymous with danger. And children - they are not just children, but the children of their parents, that is, they are part of the family system, where all the elements are interconnected. When the behavior of the parents changes, the behavior of the children changes accordingly. If you do everything for the child, then he will not have incentives for development. And vice versa, if adults stop doing for the child what he can already do, then the child begins to independently realize the emerging needs.

From discussions on the forum, from real life examples, when laziness was opposed to overprotection, blog entries appeared - just to collect thoughts in a bunch. And suddenly an unexpected proposal from the editor of the magazine: "Do you mind if we publish this as an article?" And then the editor added: "It will be a bomb!"

Indeed, it turned out to be an information bomb. Exploded, worked. My article was quoted on parent forums, posted on blogs and social networks, on popular Internet resources, including foreign ones. For example, when translated into Spanish, Slavik was renamed Sebastian, the diary for some reason was replaced with a portfolio, and my mother (that is, I) in the Spanish version asked me to bring her coffee, not tea, because tea in Spain is a very unpopular drink. And everywhere in the comments, violent arguments were born: "Is it good or bad to be a lazy mom?" From "this is how children should be raised so that they are ready for life!" before “why then give birth to children at all? To serve ?! " But in fact, people were not arguing with each other at all, but rather with their projections. Each projected onto the article some of his own personal story, an example from his childhood, an example from the life of friends.

Unfortunately, a somewhat truncated version of the article was distributed on the Internet (it was necessary to somehow fit it on a magazine spread), and therefore not everyone understood that it was actually talking not about true laziness, but about creating conditions for the development of children's independence. And that I did not mean the forced early independence, which arises as a result of parental indifference, indifference to the child. When in the comments under the article "Why I am a lazy mother" people write: "Both I and I are lazy", meaning by this "I spend all day at the computer / sleep / on TV, and the child plays by himself", I become anxious ... I would not want my message to be perceived in this case as an indulgence. It is good when a child can occupy himself and serve himself, but it is bad if he is always on his own. If so, he greatly loses in development. Mother's "laziness" at the base should have concern for children, and not indifference. Therefore, for myself, I chose the path of a "lazy mother", who is really too lazy to do everything for the children, and do everything at their first request. She is lazy - and she teaches children to do everything on their own. Believe me, this is also a difficult path and, perhaps, even more energy-consuming. True laziness was not lying around here and there ... Of course, it is easier to wash the dishes as quickly as possible than to wipe the water off the floor after a five-year-old child has washed it. And then, when he falls asleep, he still has to wash the dishes, since at first they will have fat and dishwashing detergent on them. If you allow a three-year-old to water the flowers, then not everything will work out right away. The child can overturn a flower, scatter the earth, can flood the flower, and water will flow over the edge of the pot. But this is how, through actions, the child learns to coordinate movements, understand the consequences and correct mistakes.

All parents in the upbringing process often have to make a choice: do everything quickly themselves or take advantage of the situation and teach the child something. The second option has two bonuses: a) the development of the child and b) the release of the parents' time later.

And one day, when the child will already know a lot and be able to, the mother will be able to afford to be lazy. Now in the literal sense.

Such a profitable dependence

What a strange conclusion ?! Why, if children are dependent, is it beneficial for adults? What are the benefits of being child dependent?

Oh, you know, the benefit is very simple: in this case, adults receive external confirmation of their supervalue, importance, and irreplaceability. This is sometimes necessary if there is no inner confidence in its value. And then the phrase "He can do nothing without me" can be translated as follows: "I can not live without him, because only he gives me confirmation of my value." The dependence on the child makes the child dependent. The subconscious builds its own logical chain: “If he can’t do anything on his own, then he will not go anywhere, he will always, always be with me, both at 20 and at 40 ... He will always need me, which means I will never I'll be lonely. " Often this is not even realized. At the level of consciousness, the mother can sincerely worry that the child's life is not going well. But on a subconscious level, she herself models this scenario.

I have met people who have grown physically, but at the same time have not become adults and independent. Have not mastered the skill of self-control. Have not acquired the ability to make decisions, take responsibility. I knew schoolchildren whose parents had supervised their homework before graduation. I have worked with students who do not know why they study and what they want in life. For them, everything was always decided by the parents. I saw capable men whom mothers brought to see the doctor, because the men themselves were at a loss, where to get the coupon and in which office to take the queue. I know a woman who, at the age of 36, alone, without her mother, does not go to the store for clothes.

“Grew up” and “became an adult” are not identical concepts. If I want my children to be independent, proactive and responsible, then for this it is necessary to provide them with the opportunity to manifest these qualities. And you don't even have to strain your imagination to artificially create situations that require independence if mom, dad, or another supervising adult (for example, a grandmother) have other interests besides the child.

Now I will express a seditious thought for most mothers: the child should not be in the first place. I come first. Because if I now devote my life to children, I live exclusively in their interests, then in ten to fifteen years it will be very difficult for me to let them go. How am I going to live without children? How will I fill the resulting void? How can I resist the temptation to interfere in their lives in order to "make them happy"? And how will they be without me, accustomed to what mom thinks, does and makes a decision for them?

Therefore, in addition to children, I have me, there is a beloved man, there is a job, there is a professional get-together, there are parents, there are friends and there are hobbies - with such a set, not all the child's wishes are fulfilled instantly.

- Mom, pour me a drink!

- Now, sun, I will finish the letter and pour you some water.

- Mom, get me a pair of scissors!

- I can't move away from the stove now, otherwise the porridge will burn. Wait a minute.

The child can wait a little. Or he can take a glass himself and pour himself water. Can drag a stool up to the closet to get scissors. My son most often prefers the second option. He does not like to wait - he is looking for a way to get what he wants.

Of course, this does not mean that it is worth doing absolutely every child's request. There are actions that are still difficult for a child to perform on his own. There is something that mom can do right now, without interrupting other things. For example, if mom is just pouring water for herself. It will be strange if at this moment she refuses to pour water for the child as well. No fanaticism, please.

"Am I independent?"

In fact, the single and most important mission of a parent is to teach a child to be independent.

This means:

Think independently;

Make decisions independently;

Satisfy your needs on your own;

Plan and act independently;

Self-assess your actions.

An independent person knows what he wants and knows how he can achieve it. An independent person is independent. This does not mean that he is alone. This means that he builds relationships with others not on the principles of codependency: “I cannot live without you, and you cannot cope without me”, but on the principles of sympathy: “I can do without you, but I am pleased to be with you”.

A psychologically mature person is independent. And he prefers to surround himself with the same psychologically mature people. Addicts are drawn to addicts in order to create habitual codependent relationships.

“I have not loved my husband for a long time, but I cannot live without him. There will be nowhere and nothing to live on. I know that he is cheating on me, but I am ready to put up with it, because he contains me. On the other hand, I know that he needs me. He is a complete zero in everyday life, he won't even fry his own eggs. He also loves our son very much. And my son loves me very much. He loves so much that he cannot even fall asleep without me. He is already 5 years old, but we have never parted. We sleep with him and always play together, he prefers to play with me, and not with the guys on the playground ... "

What this woman perceives as indicators is very strong love, in fact - indicators of dependence. When a child loves to spend time with his mother, this is love. When a five-year-old child cannot spend time without his mother - addiction.

Because of an unsatisfied relationship with her husband, a woman unknowingly binds her child to her. And this is by no means a healthy attachment. Not feeling her worth for her husband, the woman thus compensates for the missing at the expense of the child, cultivating her supervalue as a mother.

It can be assumed that later her child will have difficulties in communicating with peers. For the mother, this is a direct benefit: if the child does not develop communication with peers, it means that he will be forced to communicate exclusively with the mother, and the mother will not feel lonely.

When spouses are tied warm feelings, and not codependency, it is easier for them to let go of the child, because they have something to talk about with each other, there is something to do without a child. Therefore, it is important to start working on the child's independence with oneself. And first of all, answer yourself the question: "Am I independent?"

“I want to raise my child independent, but my grandparents are interfering with this. I give him a spoon to eat himself, and grandmother starts to feed him. I put his clothes on the chair and ask him to get dressed, and the grandmother starts to dress him. I want my son to learn to play on his own for a while, but he is not left alone for a minute, either grandfather or grandmother constantly play with him ... "

Why are there so many grandparents in this relationship? Why don't they consider their daughter's opinion?

The explanation is simple. The daughter lives with her parents, on their territory and at their expense. She is not married, does not work, and both her and her grandson are supported by her grandparents. That is, the daughter is dependent. As long as she is dependent on her parents, they can ignore her wishes. Moreover, they have benefits from this. If the daughter grew up dependent, they got the opportunity to have total control over her. Now it is important for them to get the possibility of total control over their grandson as well.

The opportunity to raise an independent child does not appear until his parents become independent. How do independent parents solve such problems of relationships with grandmothers? Sometimes very categorically: “ Dear Parents, if you disregard my principles of upbringing, I will be forced (a) to limit your communication. " Only an independent and independent person can establish their own rules. They listen to his opinion. And the opinion of a dependent person can be ignored, because he still has nowhere to go.

If the process of separation from your parents has not yet been completed or you are constantly building codependent relationships, it makes sense to work with a psychologist, take a course of personal psychotherapy. Alas, not all problems are solved by reading books. An outside perspective is often needed.

Lack of independence in the vertical parent-child relationship or horizontal husband-wife relationship always has some benefit, the latent need of each participant in the system.

- We have been living together for ten years, and every morning begins with the question: "Lyuba, where are my socks?" This is unbearable!

- But you put up with it for ten years, and what now brought you to consult a family psychologist?

- Our son was born. A wonderful boy, very quick-witted, he develops quickly. He began to speak early, he is now a year and a half, and he is already repeating poems after me! - The woman's face shines with joy and pride for her son.

- And what does this have to do with your husband's socks? Facial expression and intonation change again:

- He repeats after her husband: "Where are my socks!" What an example he is giving to his son! Who will grow up here?

- Clear. Tell me, what do you do when you hear this question from your husband?

- I AM? I give him the socks.

- All ten years?

- Can you imagine how strong this reflex is? And with your submission. Literally. He asks - you serve. If you want your husband to change his behavior, then first of all you must change yours.

- And how can I change it? Tell him: "Take care of your socks yourself"?

- It sounds rude ... But what if you come up with a softer version?

- Socks in the closet in the bedroom, on the second shelf from the bottom, yours on the left.

- Do you always have socks in the same place?

“After a few reminders, I suppose your husband will remember where to look for the socks.

- And what about your son so that this question is not?

- Likewise. If the socks are always in the same place, the child will remember this. Simple comments will help: "And our socks are here", instructions will help: "Socks need to be put in place", requests will help: "Go, bring socks", "Please put on socks." And you need to be prepared for the child to put the socks on with the heel up, or maybe unpaired. But he will do everything himself.

It so happens that before the birth of a child, a woman willingly plays the role of a mother for her husband. “He will die of hunger without me!”, “He won’t find socks without me!” And her husband, by his behavior: "Olya, I have not found what to eat" - plays along with her. In such a game there is always an unconscious need on the part of both partners. But everything can be changed. Optionally.

Anna Bykova.

An independent child, or How to become a "lazy mom"

© Bykova A.A., text, 2016

© Publishing House "E" LLC, 2016

* * *

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Foreword

This is a book about simple, but not at all obvious things.

The infantilism of young people has become a real problem today. Today's parents have so much energy that they have enough energy to live their lives for their children, participating in all their affairs, making decisions for them, planning their lives, solving their problems. The question is, do the children themselves need this? And isn't this an escape from your life into the life of a child?

This is a book about how to remember yourself, allow yourself to be not only a parent, find a resource to go beyond this life role.

The book is about how to get rid of feelings of anxiety and desire to control everything. How to cultivate the willingness to let the child go into independent life.

A light ironic syllable and an abundance of examples make the reading process fun. It is a story book, a meditation book. The author does not indicate: “Do this, this and that,” but encourages to think, draws analogies, draws attention to different circumstances and possible exceptions to the rules. I think the book can help people with parental perfectionism to get rid of the obsessive and excruciating feelings of guilt, which in no way contribute to the establishment of harmonious relationships with children.

This is a smart and kind book about how to become a good mother and teach a child to be independent in life.

Vladimir Kozlov, President of the International Academy of Psychological Sciences, Doctor of Psychological Sciences, Professor

Introduction

The article "Why I am a lazy mom", published several years ago, still roams the Internet. She went around all the popular parent forums and communities. I even have a group on VKontakte “Anna Bykova. Lazy mom. "

The topic of raising independence in a child, which I then touched upon, was very heatedly discussed, and now, after publication on some popular resource, disputes constantly arise, people leave hundreds and thousands of comments.

I'm a lazy mom. And also selfish and careless, as some might think. Because I want my children to be independent, proactive and responsible. This means that the child must be given the opportunity to show these qualities. And in this case, my laziness acts as a natural brake for excessive parental activity. That activity, which is manifested in the desire to make life easier for the child, doing everything for him. I contrast a lazy mom with a hypermama - that is, one with everything “hyper”: hyperactivity, hyper-anxiety and hyper-protectiveness.

Part 1
Why am I a lazy mom?

I'm a lazy mom

Working in kindergarten, I saw many examples of parental overprotection. I especially remember one three-year-old boy - Slavik. Anxious parents believed that he was obliged to eat everything at the table. And then he will lose weight. For some reason, in their value system, it was very scary to lose weight, although Slavik's height and chubby cheeks did not raise anxiety about the lack of body weight. I do not know how and what he was fed at home, but he came to the kindergarten with a clear violation of his appetite. Trained by the rigid parental attitude "You need to eat everything to the end!", He mechanically chewed and swallowed what was put on the plate! Moreover, he had to be fed, because “he himself does not yet know how to eat” (!!!).

At the age of three, Slavik really did not know how to eat on his own - he did not have such experience. And on the first day of Slavik's stay in kindergarten, I feed him and observe a complete lack of emotions. I bring a spoon - he opens his mouth, chews, swallows. Another spoon - opens his mouth again, chews, swallows ... I must say that the cook in the kindergarten especially did not succeed in porridge. The porridge turned out to be "anti-gravity": if you turn over the plate, then contrary to the laws of gravity, it remained in it, sticking to the bottom as a dense mass. On that day, many children refused to eat porridge, and I understand them perfectly. Slavik ate almost everything.

I ask:

- Do you like porridge?

Opens mouth, chews, swallows.

- Want more? I bring a spoon.

Opens mouth, chews, swallows.

- If you don’t like it, don’t eat it! I say.

Slavik's eyes widened in surprise. He didn't know it was possible. What you can want or not want. That you can make the decision yourself: eat or leave. That you can communicate your desires. And what can you expect: others will reckon with your wishes.

There is a wonderful anecdote about parents who know better than the child himself what he needs.

- Petya, go home immediately!

- Mom, am I cold?

- No, you're hungry!

At first, Slavik enjoyed the right to refuse food and drank only compote. Then he began to ask for an addition when he liked the dish, and calmly pushed the plate aside if the dish was unloved. He gained independence in his choice. And then we stopped feeding him from the spoon, and he began to eat himself. Because food is a natural need. And a hungry child will always eat himself.

I'm a lazy mom. I was too lazy to feed my children for a long time. In the year I handed them a spoon and sat down to eat next. At the age of one and a half, my children were already wielding a fork. Of course, before the skill of independent eating was finally formed, it was necessary to wash the table, the floor, and the child himself after each meal. But this is my deliberate choice between "too lazy to learn, I'd better do everything quickly myself" and "too lazy to do it myself, I'd rather spend my efforts on learning."

Another natural need is to relieve yourself. Slavik relieved himself in his pants. Slavik's mother reacted to our legitimate bewilderment as follows: she asked us to take the child to the toilet every hour - every two hours. "I put him on a pot at home and keep him until he does all the work." That is, a three-year-old child expected that in kindergarten, as well as at home, he would be taken to the toilet and persuaded to “do things”. Without waiting for an invitation, he puffed into his pants, and it did not even occur to him that wet pants should be taken off and changed, and for this to turn to a teacher for help.

If the parents foresee all the child's desires, the child will not learn to understand his needs and ask for help for a long time.

After a week, the problem of wet pants was solved naturally. "I want to write!" - Slavik proudly informed the group, heading to the toilet.

No pedagogical magic. Physiologically, the boy's body at that time was already ripe to control the process. Slavik felt when it was time for him to go to the toilet, and even more so he could reach the toilet. Probably, he could have started doing this earlier, but at home adults were ahead of him, putting him on the potty even before the child realized his need. But what was appropriate at the age of one or two years old was certainly not worth continuing at three years old.

In kindergarten, all children begin to eat on their own, go to the toilet on their own, dress independently and come up with activities for themselves. They also get used to asking for help if they cannot solve their problems.

I do not at all call for sending children to kindergarten as early as possible. On the contrary, I think that a child is better at home until three or four years old. I'm just talking about reasonable parental behavior, in which the child is not strangled by overprotection, but leave him room for development.

Once a friend came to visit me with a child of two years old and stayed overnight. At 9 pm sharp she went to put him to bed. The child did not want to sleep, struggled, was stubborn, but his mother persistently kept him in bed. I tried to distract my friend:

- In my opinion, he still does not want to sleep.

(Of course he doesn't want to. They came recently, there is someone to play with, new toys - he is interested in everything!)

But his friend with enviable persistence continued to lay him down ... The confrontation lasted more than an hour, and as a result, her child still fell asleep. My child fell asleep after him. It's simple: when he was tired, he climbed into his bed and fell asleep.

I'm a lazy mom. I am too lazy to keep the child in bed. I know that sooner or later he will fall asleep on his own, because sleep is a natural need.

I like to sleep on weekends. On weekdays, my working day begins at 6.45, because at 7.00, when the kindergarten opens, the first child, brought by dad in a hurry to work, is already at the front door. Getting up early is cruel for an "owl". And every morning, meditating on a cup of coffee, I calm my inner "owl" that Saturday will give us the opportunity to sleep.

One Saturday I woke up around eleven. My son, two and a half years old, was sitting and watching a cartoon, munching on a gingerbread. He turned on the TV himself (it's easy - to press the button), he also found the DVD with the cartoon himself. He also found kefir and cornflakes. And, judging by the flakes scattered on the floor, the spilled kefir and the dirty plate in the sink, he had breakfast safely and, as best he could, cleaned up after himself.

The eldest child (he was 8 years old) was no longer at home. Yesterday he took time off with a friend and his parents at the cinema. I'm a lazy mom. I told my son that I was too lazy to get up on Saturday too early, because by doing so I would deprive myself of the precious opportunity to sleep, which I have been waiting for all week. If he wants to go to the movies, let him start the alarm himself, get up and get ready himself. Wow, I didn’t oversleep ...

(In fact, I also set the alarm clock - set a vibrating alert and listened to my child getting ready through sleep. When the door closed behind him, I began to wait for a text message from my friend's mother that my child arrived and everything was fine, but for him it was all for frame.)

And I’m too lazy to check my briefcase, my Sambo backpack and I’m too lazy to dry my son’s things after the pool. Also, I am too lazy to do lessons with him (unless he asks for help). I'm too lazy to take out the trash, so my son throws it away on the way to school. And I also have the audacity to ask my son to make me tea and bring it to the computer. I suspect that every year I will become more and more lazy ...

An amazing metamorphosis occurs with children when a grandmother comes to us. And since she lives far away, she comes immediately for a week. My elder immediately forgets that he knows how to do his homework himself, to warm up his own lunch, make a sandwich himself, collect his portfolio and leave for school in the morning. And now he is even afraid to fall asleep alone: ​​grandmother should sit next to him! And our grandmother is not lazy ...

Children are dependent, if it is beneficial for adults.

The history of the "lazy mom"

"Tell me, are you a lazy mom?" - it was quite unexpected to receive such a question on a social network. What's this? Some kind of promotion? I remembered a nursery rhyme by Yakov Akim about a poor postman carrying out a mission connected with a letter without a specific address: "Give to the Misfit."

And what to answer? Justify? List all your skills, abilities and responsibilities? Or maybe send a copy of the work book?

Just in case, I clarify:

"In terms of?"

And the question is posed differently:

Oh yes, then it's me ...

But initially it was not an article. At one of the many psychological forums, far from the most popular, the topic of the infantilism of the younger generation and its causes was raised. And even more broadly - about the inferiority and weakness of this generation. In short, all the lamentations of the commentators could be reduced to a paraphrased quote from the classic: "After all, there were children in our time!" Or to another classic saying: "Yes, I am in their years ..." After which there were transfers: "at the age of five I ran to the dairy kitchen for baby food for my brother", "at the age of seven I took my brother from the kindergarten," was to cook dinner for the whole family. "

I remember that I allowed myself to ironically speak about the direct relationship between the behavior of children and the behavior of parents: "If mothers were a little more lazy and did not do everything for their children, then the children would have to become more independent." But if you think about it, it really is. After all, children have not really gotten worse in recent decades. They did not become physically weaker and did not lose their ability to work. However, they have fewer opportunities to demonstrate their ability to act independently. Why? Because children's independence has ceased to be a vital need for a family, a need that frees mothers hands and mothers time to earn their daily bread. Moreover, in the perception of many parents, independence has become synonymous with danger. And children - they are not just children, but the children of their parents, that is, they are part of the family system, where all the elements are interconnected. When the behavior of the parents changes, the behavior of the children changes accordingly. If you do everything for the child, then he will not have incentives for development. And vice versa, if adults stop doing for the child what he can already do, then the child begins to independently realize the emerging needs.

From discussions on the forum, from real life examples, when laziness was opposed to overprotection, blog entries appeared - just to collect thoughts in a bunch. And suddenly an unexpected proposal from the editor of the magazine: "Do you mind if we publish this as an article?" And then the editor added: "It will be a bomb!"

Indeed, it turned out to be an information bomb. Exploded, worked. My article was quoted on parent forums, posted on blogs and social networks, on popular Internet resources, including foreign ones. For example, when translated into Spanish, Slavik was renamed Sebastian, the diary for some reason was replaced with a portfolio, and my mother (that is, I) in the Spanish version asked me to bring her coffee, not tea, because tea in Spain is a very unpopular drink. And everywhere in the comments, violent arguments were born: "Is it good or bad to be a lazy mom?" From "this is how children should be raised so that they are ready for life!" before “why then give birth to children at all? To serve ?! " But in fact, people were not arguing with each other at all, but rather with their projections. Each projected onto the article some of his own personal story, an example from his childhood, an example from the life of friends.

Unfortunately, a somewhat truncated version of the article was distributed on the Internet (it was necessary to somehow fit it on a magazine spread), and therefore not everyone understood that it was actually talking not about true laziness, but about creating conditions for the development of children's independence. And that I did not mean the forced early independence, which arises as a result of parental indifference, indifference to the child. When in the comments under the article "Why I am a lazy mother" people write: "Both I and I are lazy", meaning by this "I spend all day at the computer / sleep / on TV, and the child plays by himself", I become anxious ... I would not want my message to be perceived in this case as an indulgence. It is good when a child can occupy himself and serve himself, but it is bad if he is always on his own. If so, he greatly loses in development. Mother's "laziness" at the base should have concern for children, and not indifference. Therefore, for myself, I chose the path of a "lazy mother", who is really too lazy to do everything for the children, and do everything at their first request. She is lazy - and she teaches children to do everything on their own. Believe me, this is also a difficult path and, perhaps, even more energy-consuming. True laziness was not lying around here and there ... Of course, it is easier to wash the dishes as quickly as possible than to wipe the water off the floor after a five-year-old child has washed it. And then, when he falls asleep, he still has to wash the dishes, since at first they will have fat and dishwashing detergent on them. If you allow a three-year-old to water the flowers, then not everything will work out right away. The child can overturn a flower, scatter the earth, can flood the flower, and water will flow over the edge of the pot. But this is how, through actions, the child learns to coordinate movements, understand the consequences and correct mistakes.

All parents in the upbringing process often have to make a choice: do everything quickly themselves or take advantage of the situation and teach the child something. The second option has two bonuses: a) the development of the child and b) the release of the parents' time later.

And one day, when the child will already know a lot and be able to, the mother will be able to afford to be lazy. Now in the literal sense.

Such a profitable dependence

What a strange conclusion ?! Why, if children are dependent, is it beneficial for adults? What are the benefits of being child dependent?

Oh, you know, the benefit is very simple: in this case, adults receive external confirmation of their supervalue, importance, and irreplaceability. This is sometimes necessary if there is no inner confidence in its value. And then the phrase "He can do nothing without me" can be translated as follows: "I can not live without him, because only he gives me confirmation of my value." The dependence on the child makes the child dependent. The subconscious builds its own logical chain: “If he can’t do anything on his own, then he will not go anywhere, he will always, always be with me, both at 20 and at 40 ... He will always need me, which means I will never I'll be lonely. " Often this is not even realized. At the level of consciousness, the mother can sincerely worry that the child's life is not going well. But on a subconscious level, she herself models this scenario.

I have met people who have grown physically, but at the same time have not become adults and independent. Have not mastered the skill of self-control. Have not acquired the ability to make decisions, take responsibility. I knew schoolchildren whose parents had supervised their homework before graduation. I have worked with students who do not know why they study and what they want in life. For them, everything was always decided by the parents. I saw capable men whom mothers brought to see the doctor, because the men themselves were at a loss, where to get the coupon and in which office to take the queue. I know a woman who, at the age of 36, alone, without her mother, does not go to the store for clothes.

“Grew up” and “became an adult” are not identical concepts. If I want my children to be independent, proactive and responsible, then for this it is necessary to provide them with the opportunity to manifest these qualities. And you don't even have to strain your imagination to artificially create situations that require independence if mom, dad, or another supervising adult (for example, a grandmother) have other interests besides the child.

Now I will express a seditious thought for most mothers: the child should not be in the first place. I come first. Because if I now devote my life to children, I live exclusively in their interests, then in ten to fifteen years it will be very difficult for me to let them go. How am I going to live without children? How will I fill the resulting void? How can I resist the temptation to interfere in their lives in order to "make them happy"? And how will they be without me, accustomed to what mom thinks, does and makes a decision for them?

Therefore, in addition to children, I have me, there is a beloved man, there is a job, there is a professional get-together, there are parents, there are friends and there are hobbies - with such a set, not all the child's wishes are fulfilled instantly.

- Mom, pour me a drink!

- Now, sun, I will finish the letter and pour you some water.

- Mom, get me a pair of scissors!

- I can't move away from the stove now, otherwise the porridge will burn. Wait a minute.

The child can wait a little. Or he can take a glass himself and pour himself water. Can drag a stool up to the closet to get scissors. My son most often prefers the second option. He does not like to wait - he is looking for a way to get what he wants.

Current page: 3 (total of the book has 3 pages) [available passage for reading: 1 pages]

Self-reliance and security

The phrase "children's independence" is alarming for some parents. Imagination paints frightening pictures: accidents, bad company, licentiousness, and all this is a consequence of lack of control.

To relieve anxiety, it is important to be able to distinguish between normal, healthy independence, which is only good and indispensable in life, and dangerous independence, which, of course, will not bring anything good. With healthy independence, parental control remains. But if control is completely excluded, there is a dangerous independence.

Self-reliance and lack of control are not synonymous. The lack of control, of course, leads to the development of independence, but outside the control of various negative consequences rarely avoided.

Providing the child with independence, it is first of all important to outline the framework of its manifestation. As you grow older, the framework should expand. The framework, or boundaries, are the norms, rules, conditions, which ideally should be based on, in addition to safety, morality and family traditions... Independence outside such a framework is licentiousness and permissiveness, and it is not a boon for the child, since the child loses security.

Letting the baby go to independent swimming, that is, crawling around the apartment, first remove all dangerous objects that can attract his attention or accidentally get in the way. The simplest thing is to put what is dangerous higher. This is a physical distinction between "Do's and Don'ts." As soon as the child learns to substitute a stool and climb on it, dangerous objects must be removed even higher, even further. I could take a nap when my two-year-old was awake only if the surrounding space was safe: there was nothing stabbing, cutting, burning, or poisonous in the access zone.

At first, the boundaries between “you can” and “you can’t” are only physical, but soon the child begins to perceive verbal boundaries - rules and prohibitions: “You cannot pick up a knife”, “You cannot touch anything on the stove”. The child grows, and the boundaries of what is permitted are expanding. “You can’t take a knife in your hands” eventually changes to “You can use a knife in the presence of an adult”, and then the turn comes and “You can cook yourself on the gas stove”.

An example of expanding frames for a growing child

1. The mother decides when to bathe the child and bathes him herself. At first, the scope of the child's independence is limited only by the choice of a toy for bathing. Leaving the baby alone in the bathtub, I suppose, would not even occur to a sane parent. This is dangerous, the baby can reach for the toy, lose balance, "dive" and drown.

2. Mom decides when to bathe the baby. The child chooses toys for bathing, shampoo, soap and washes himself. At the same time, my mother, of course, is nearby - she controls the process and quality, helps if necessary. But just controlling the process is not enough. The child also needs to be taught safe behavior. Let it go, it may occur to the child to tumble in the bathtub or dive upside down from the edge of the bathtub. And to invent a thousand and one way to flood the neighbors for him is a piece of cake.

3. The child already knows what safe bath behavior is. He chooses the bathing time himself, carries out the process himself and controls the quality himself. And mom? Mom announces the conditions, how often you need to wash and until which hour you need to manage.

4. The child has already clearly formed concepts of cleanliness and developed self-service skills; when it's time to swim, he decides for himself. Now the condition for a neat appearance acts as a "frame".

I foresee the question, at what age should a child bathe on his own? Should not. I do not like the wording "should" in relation to the child. A child can, a child is capable - that's another matter. And his ability to do anything depends not only on age. Parents who have several children often notice that one child at the age of five can be safely left alone in the bath for a while, being sure that nothing will happen to him, because the child is calmness itself, “where you put - there you will take it. " But even at the age of seven it is better not to leave the other one, because “crazy ideas” come to his head much faster than his parents have time to react. Filling a full bath of ice water to harden is the most innocuous scenario, it won't last long anyway.

Likewise with other "when". When should one go to school? It depends on the place where you live, on the route, on the child himself. It is one thing if the school is located in the courtyard and the entire route can be traced from the window of the apartment, and quite another if there are several blocks to the school, and besides, you have to cross busy intersections. There are children who are eager for independence and demand to let them go unaccompanied by adults. And there are children who are afraid to go alone and ask to see them off / meet them. Fear cannot be ignored. Therefore, while accompanying a child, one must work with fear in parallel.

Come to independence through fear (here it comes not about overcoming fear, but rather about coexistence with it) is possible, but the consequences can come back to haunt in adulthood. Here's an example. Mother, seven years old, her daughter Lena, leaving on night duty, left at home alone. Mom was sure of safety. Lena is a serious girl, in the daytime she calmly remains at home alone. And what prevents her from staying alone in the evening? She will just go to bed, and when she wakes up, my mother will be already at home. If anything, the neighbor has the keys to the apartment. The girl's irrational fear that an unprecedented miracle would creep out from under the bed at night was ignored by her mother. She did not know that Lena, wrapped in a blanket with her head, cried with fear, was afraid to get up to go to the kitchen for water or to the toilet, and endured until her mother returned. Now Lena is thirty years old, but she never stays alone overnight. If the husband goes on a business trip, Lena goes to her friend. Traumatic childhood experiences send us back to unpleasant memories, activate negative emotions and it is very difficult to deal with it.

It is desirable that the child gets the experience of independence on the wave of "Wow, how interesting it is to try!" Only one parent's confidence: "You will succeed!" - it is not enough.

Ideal conditions for the development of independence: safe space + personal motivation of the child (interest, need) + confidence of an adult.

Self-reliance and parental anxiety

In my opinion, the most important factor in the development of children's independence is the ability of adults to overcome their anxiety, to cope with it. Honestly, it's easier for me to forget that I'm a "lazy mom" and go to meet the child from school myself, just to avoid anxiety paralyzing all other thoughts, except for one: "Where is my child now ?!"

My eldest son has long since won the right to return from school on his own. He has his own key, he knows how to open doors himself. He wants to demonstrate his adulthood in front of the rest of the first graders who are met by grandmothers, mothers and nannies. He leaves school and ... sees me (“Oh, it happened, I was here on business, and you just finished your classes”). I promise him that tomorrow he will definitely go home alone. I reassure myself that my child is fine, right down to an irritated plea on his part: "Yes, I already know all this!" - instructed in safety precautions. But along with the thought "he should already be at home", anxiety rolls up again. First I try to drive her away: they detained her in class, dresses for a long time, and then I start calling. It would seem what happiness for modern parents that it is possible to call the child on a mobile phone and remove the alarm. But it often turns out that anxiety, on the contrary, increases, because the child does not answer calls. Having dressed in a hurry, you fly out of the apartment - and you come across a key prepared a few meters before the door in the hand of a happy child (he reached it himself). But here's a bummer: Mom prevented me from opening the door ...

A wet, dirty, but happy son talks about a snowman made in the schoolyard. The first snow is such an event, for the sake of which strict parental instructions are forgotten: "After school, go straight home!" I exhale. I wonder: "Why didn't you answer my calls?" The answer is predictable: "I have not heard." I can understand, in the schoolyard, the din of childish voices overrides any ringtone.

Of course, you don't have to worry yourself. You can walk and meet in spite of the child's impulse to show independence. But all the same, you will have to face excruciating anxiety, and more than once. When the child is alone in the yard. When he goes to summer camp. When he comes back with other fans from a basketball game. When he goes in the evening to see the girl off to the other end of the city. When he goes to another city to go to college ... There are plenty of reasons, and there is no other way: anxiety cannot be avoided. However, there is a way out: to completely tie the child to yourself. Will it be a boon for him? No. And this choice was dictated not by caring for the child, but by parental selfishness: “I want me to be comfortable.

I don’t want to feel anxious. I find it hard to endure anxiety. Always be there so I can see you. Don't live your life. "

It's okay to worry about your child. But sometimes anxiety crosses the boundaries of the norm and becomes that anxiety with the prefix "hyper", which interferes with the development of the child.

- I'll wash the apple myself!

- No, I'll wash it. You don't wash well, microbes may remain on the apple! (Fantasy already draws dysentery and infectious diseases ward of the children's hospital.)

Mom, let the child wash the apple himself. It's up to you to ensure quality. To calm down, say to yourself the mantra: "This will be a training of immunity." Folklore says about this: "Every mud has its own vitamins."

- I'll cut the cheese myself!

- No, put the knife down! You will cut yourself!

Cuts himself if not taught how to handle a knife. Therefore, it is necessary to allow, but control the process. Remind: "Be careful not to get your fingers under the knife."

- How is my Alinochka first day in kindergarten?

Alinochka is five years old, and she really is the first day in the kindergarten.

- Things are good. She ate, played and even pooped.

- Pooped? How?!

- Yes, like everyone else. On the toilet.

- She sat on the toilet with her booty ?!

- Do not worry, it is clean, it is regularly treated with bleach.

- And who wiped her ass?

- Yes, all our children cope with it themselves.

- What did you wipe it with?

- Toilet paper? What else?

- But I wipe her ass at home only with wet wipes!

- What happens if she uses the usual toilet paper?

- She can wipe poorly, the priest will start to itch. Rubbed with paper, there will be irritation. And if it wipes it off in the wrong direction, it can infect the genitals. And if after that he doesn't wash his hands well ?!

How scary to live ... Of course, my mother's motivation is understandable, it is aimed at the welfare of her daughter. Fortunately, this benefit did not turn into a problem for the girl. Which? - you ask. The girl could develop the habit (complex) of pooping only in the presence of her mother, because only her mother knows how to do everything correctly and safely. Some children experience psychosomatic constipation on this basis. And if only constipation ... At first, children cannot leave their mother, and then, with age, they cannot leave home at all. That a child would grow up without summer camps, - the problem is not the biggest one. But psychosomatics cannot be avoided, and “home” children, having matured, begin to refuse travel and business trips, and some of them cannot do without laxatives or are forced to seek help from a psychotherapist (which is extremely rare, because the problem is very delicate ).

When only mom knows what is best, what is more correct and safer, and this “how” is constantly voiced, it’s really scary to move away from mom. Moreover, very often mothers are indignant when talking with other people. And the child stands nearby and hears: “How can you allow children to climb so high? Why did they even install this on the playground? Can a teacher be able to keep track of everyone? "," Imagine, they gave the children fish and bones for dinner! Can a child handle it? He will either remain hungry, or the bone in his throat will get stuck "," No, think about it! Grandma gave him an apple with a peel. I said so many times, the peel must be cut off. All nitrates are collected in the peel! "

“Yes,” the child thinks. - The world is dangerous. And only mom knows how to do it right. Nowhere and I will never leave her! "

“Well, what are you, son? Go play with the guys. You know, he's so shy ... "

About control

Parental controls are different. There is a defender. There is a guide. There is a suffocating one. There is a blocker. Sometimes annoying. Sometimes it is distant. And one easily develops into another, if parents forget to retreat in time, to weaken control.

When a mother controls everything that a child ate in a day, when he is only two years old, it is normal, it is natural, it is reasonable, especially if the child has allergies. But now the child is already seven years old, and he was invited to a classmate's birthday. A lot of children, fun and noisy, children periodically run up to the table, grab something and run away to play further. Parents have a lively conversation. And only one mother is tirelessly watching over her son: as if grabbing something harmful, allergenic from the table. “Vitya, Vityusha, what have you just taken ?! Put the candy back! Otherwise, we will leave immediately! " Every step of Vityusha is controlled by his mother. Mom actually provokes her son to play: "Try to drag the candy off the table without me noticing." Perhaps this time it will not work out and the victory will be for mom. But I assure you that the game will continue at the next holiday. Mom's control will become annoying, and it will alienate Mom from her son. Moreover, such control blocks the development of self-control and responsibility. Whit seven. He is already able to detect a causal relationship between what he eats and skin rashes. “Did you get the candy? You can eat it. But you know that after that your hands will itch a lot. " Yes, Vitya knows. And Vitya can make a choice. Myself. Consciously and responsibly. It is only important not to be afraid to delegate this responsibility to the child.

I worked as a teacher in a kindergarten allergy group. Each child in the group was allergic to something, but everyone was different. And every child knew what was allowed and what was not.

It is a tradition in kindergarten to bring candy on the occasion of a birthday and treat the whole group. In the allergy group, they did not bring sweets that were forbidden to most, but cookies or biscuits. Four-year-old children (those for whom this was relevant) were interested in: "Are there no nuts there?" Or they could refuse: "I can't, it's gluten free!" The parents explained to them what and why not, that is, they explained the cause-and-effect relationship, delegated responsibility, turned control into self-control.

When mom controls the process of collecting the schoolbag in the first quarter of the first grade - this is normal, this control is adequate, natural. It is important through control to teach the child the ways of self-control: “Now check again if you have put everything down. Let's check the schedule in the diary. So, mathematics. Is the textbook and workbook in place? " But if the child is already in the third grade, and mom climbs into his backpack in the evening with the question: "Did you put the paints in?" - this is already suffocating control. Bringing paints to a drawing lesson is already a child's area of ​​responsibility. Even if you didn't put it down, what's the worst going to happen? He will come to the lesson without paints, feel the consequences of his forgetfulness. He will independently solve the difficulty that has arisen, for example, he will ask a neighbor on a desk to use his paints. Even if it is not possible to agree, even if - the worst of the scenarios - gets a "two", this is also an experience from which one can draw a conclusion. Correct conclusion: "We need to carefully collect the knapsack." Or the wrong conclusion: “Mom! Why didn't you put paint on me!

Because of you, I got a "two"! " The wrong conclusion is provoked by the mother checking the child's backpack. Didn't translate control into self-control.

The other extreme - immediately, from the first days at school, to delegate the responsibility for learning to the child - also does not contribute to the development of independence. What will happen if the child is told: "As you want, and collect your knapsack!" - without teaching him the methods of self-control, without telling him that it is necessary to check the contents of the knapsack with the schedule? Most likely, the child will immediately fall into a situation of failure, which will cause him a negative attitude towards learning. There is a concept of "zone of proximal development". It is impossible to jump over this zone, referring the child to activities with which he does not yet know how to cope (does not know how). First we show, then we do together, then we control, then we trust - it is important to follow this sequence of stages, not to skip over them.

How do you know when control gets stifling? Very simple. Ask yourself this question: When I am in control, am I acting out of love for the child or out of love for myself? If out of love for oneself and the desire to show power, then the need for control will be formulated as follows: “We must do as my mother said. And as you didn’t say, you don’t need to do it. Mom knows better. Mom needs to obey. Even if mom is wrong, everyone is wrong from time to time, it will still be as mom said. " “Mom” in the wording can be replaced by “dad”, the essence of this will not change. With this approach, the child's initiative is completely suppressed by parental authority. Once again, to do what the parents ordered, and exactly as they ordered, is diligence, not independence.

One more question. When you are in control, are you doing it out of a desire to help the child or out of a desire to avoid negative evaluations of yourself? It so happens that parental control is driven by the thought "What will they think of me?" If a child forgets a textbook at home, what will the teacher think of me? If the child is late for school, what will the Englishwoman think of me? If the child does not graduate from college, what will my friends think of me?

- Faster! How much can you dig! You're going to be late! Stop eating! Put down the sandwich! There is no time to finish! It's time to brush your teeth! Chew up faster! Drink it down, or you'll choke! Did you fall asleep in the bathroom or what? Come out already, get dressed! Shoes first, then a jacket! Got the gloves? Did you get the keys? Travel card?

I used to live in a rented apartment with very poor sound insulation. Every morning I was an unwitting witness to the morning preparations for the school of the son of my neighbors. That is, I thought it was going to school. Until one day I rode with my neighbors in the elevator to the ninth floor. A neighbor's mother lamented about "the session is coming soon", and her son grumbled that he would have time to learn everything. The slow-moving "schoolboy" turned out to be a student. I can assume that his mother urged him on when he studied in primary school, then in the middle, and so on. I wonder when he goes to work, will she wake him up?

Already in elementary school, the child needs to be explained how to start the alarm. Experimentally, you can determine how long it takes to get to school and how long it takes to get ready in the morning. “Look, today we walked to school for 20 minutes. If you want to walk slowly, without haste, you need to leave early. But you also need to get up earlier. How long will you set the alarm clock for? "

Teaching a child not to be late, it is important to keep track of the time yourself in elementary school. When there is still respect for learning and there is a desire to be a diligent student. When there is personal motivation to come to school on time. Because against the background of personal motivation, the easiest way is to form responsibility and independence.

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The article "Why I am a lazy mom", published several years ago, still roams the Internet. She went around all the popular parent forums and communities.

It caused a storm of controversy and discussion. It turns out that many people today are worried about the topic of the independence of children, the problem of the infantility of the younger generation. Children's and family psychologist Anna Bykova offers her own view on this issue. In order for your child to become independent, conditions are also needed. After all, if you always prompt, help and advise, he will never learn to do anything himself. Therefore, it is simply necessary to periodically turn on the "lazy mom", realizing that this is done in the interests of the child.

Anna Bykova

An independent child, or How to become a "lazy mom"

© Bykova A.A., text, 2016

© Publishing House "E" LLC, 2016 * * * From this book you will learn: How to teach a child to fall asleep in his crib, put away toys and get dressed

When is it worth helping a child, and when is it better to refrain from it

How to turn off the perfectionist mom in yourself and turn on the "lazy mom"

Why overprotective is dangerous and how to avoid it

What to do if the child says: "I can't"

How to make a child believe in himself

What is coaching education? Foreword This is a book about simple, but not at all obvious things.

The infantilism of young people has become a real problem today. Today's parents have so much energy that they have enough energy to live their lives for their children, participating in all their affairs, making decisions for them, planning their lives, solving their problems. The question is, do the children themselves need this? And isn't this an escape from your life into the life of a child?

This is a book about how to remember yourself, allow yourself to be not only a parent, find a resource to go beyond this life role. The book is about how to get rid of feelings of anxiety and desire to control everything. How to cultivate the willingness to let the child go into independent life.

A light ironic syllable and an abundance of examples make the reading process fun. It is a story book, a meditation book. The author does not indicate: “Do this, this and that,” but encourages to think, draws analogies, draws attention to different circumstances and possible exceptions to the rules. I think the book can help people with parental perfectionism to get rid of the obsessive and excruciating feelings of guilt, which in no way contribute to the establishment of harmonious relationships with children.

This is a smart and kind book about how to become a good mother and teach a child to be independent in life.

Vladimir Kozlov, President of the International Academy of Psychological Sciences, Doctor of Psychological Sciences, Professor Introduction The article "Why I am a lazy mother", published several years ago, is still roaming the Internet. She went around all the popular parent forums and communities. I even have a group on VKontakte “Anna Bykova. Lazy mom. "

The topic of raising independence in a child, which I then touched upon, was very heatedly discussed, and now, after publication on some popular resource, disputes constantly arise, people leave hundreds and thousands of comments.

I'm a lazy mom. And also selfish and careless, as some might think. Because I want my children to be independent, proactive and responsible. This means that the child must be given the opportunity to show these qualities. And in this case, my laziness acts as a natural brake for excessive parental activity. That activity, which is manifested in the desire to make life easier for the child, doing everything for him. I contrast a lazy mom with a hypermama - that is, one with everything “hyper”: hyperactivity, hyper-anxiety and hyper-protectiveness. Part 1

Why am I a lazy mom?

I am a lazy mom Working in kindergarten, I saw many examples of parental overprotection. I especially remember one three-year-old boy - Slavik. Anxious parents believed that he was obliged to eat everything at the table. And then he will lose weight. For some reason, in their value system, it was very scary to lose weight, although Slavik's height and chubby cheeks did not raise anxiety about the lack of body weight. I do not know how and what he was fed at home, but he came to the kindergarten with a clear violation of his appetite. Trained by the rigid parental attitude "You need to eat everything to the end!", He mechanically chewed and swallowed what was put on the plate! Moreover, he had to be fed, because “he himself does not yet know how to eat” (!!!).

At the age of three, Slavik really did not know how to eat on his own - he did not have such experience. And on the first day of Slavik's stay in kindergarten, I feed him and observe a complete lack of emotions. I bring a spoon - he opens his mouth, chews, swallows. Another spoon - opens his mouth again, chews, swallows ... I must say that the cook in the kindergarten especially did not succeed in porridge. The porridge turned out to be "anti-gravity": if you turn over the plate, then contrary to the laws of gravity, it remained in it, sticking to the bottom as a dense mass. On that day, many children refused to eat porridge, and I understand them perfectly. Slavik ate almost everything.

I ask:

- Do you like porridge?

Opens mouth, chews, swallows.

- Want more? I bring a spoon.

- No. Opens mouth, chews, swallows.

- If you don’t like it, don’t eat it! I say.

Slavik's eyes widened in surprise. He didn't know it was possible. What you can want or not want. That you can make the decision yourself: eat or leave. That you can communicate your desires. And what can you expect: others will reckon with your wishes.

There is a wonderful anecdote about parents who know better than the child himself what he needs.

- Petya, go home immediately!

- Mom, am I cold?

- No, you're hungry! At first, Slavik enjoyed the right to refuse food and drank only compote. Then he began to ask for an addition when he liked the dish, and calmly pushed the plate aside if the dish was unloved. He gained independence in his choice. And then we stopped feeding him from the spoon, and he began to eat himself. Because food is a natural need. And a hungry child will always eat himself.

I'm a lazy mom. I was too lazy to feed my children for a long time. In the year I handed them a spoon and sat down to eat next. At the age of one and a half, my children were already wielding a fork. Of course, before the skill of independent eating was finally formed, it was necessary to wash the table, the floor, and the child himself after each meal. But this is my deliberate choice between "too lazy to learn, I'd better do everything quickly myself" and "too lazy to do it myself, I'd rather spend my efforts on learning." Another natural need is to relieve yourself. Slavik relieved himself in his pants. Slavik's mother reacted to our legitimate bewilderment as follows: she asked us to take the child to the toilet every hour - every two hours. "I put him on a pot at home and keep him until he does all the work." That is, a three-year-old child expected that in kindergarten, as well as at home, he would be taken to the toilet and persuaded to “do things”. Without waiting for an invitation, he puffed into his pants, and it did not even occur to him that wet pants should be taken off and changed, and for this to turn to a teacher for help. If the parents foresee all the child's desires, the child will not learn to understand his needs and ask for help for a long time.