Children's hysteries - phenomenon quite frequent. Rarely which family can avoid them. Sometimes the reason for children's wrath lies in the reaction of parents. But even if adults behave calmly, calm the child is not easy. How can you help your emotions to help your emotions?

Most parents are not trying to figure out the cause of children's hysteria. The child is offered to go to another room, stand up, think about your behavior. In more launched cases, slaps are used on the pope and other methods of manual design. All these ways of upbringing teach a child to one - to drive your wrath inside, not advertise it. "You are bad if you're angry" - such a non-verbal promise adults direct children with their own actions.

Right position

What position should parents who wish to train their child to manage irritation? A child who does not know how to control his jet wrath, in adult life will also shout on his children. Either to love your food emotions. It is important to teach a child to take anger, and not splashing it on loved ones.

Any emotions and feelings are normal. But you can express them in different ways. To teach the child of emotional literacy, parents should be changed to the tactics of behavior during children's whims, and become a child not a dangerous opponent, but a friendly friend. By the way, such a position is important both in communicating with young children and with adolescents.

As you know, children learn from the example of parents. Therefore, the calm of adults during children's hysteria is extremely important. Parental anger, like any other form of aggression, is often born instantly. Mother or father start shouting, angry, before they realize their reaction. Just a share of seconds are required to ensure that the released response mechanism has worked, and the adult began to go out.

That is why it is very important to stop. Even if some part of the aggression is manifested, it is worth trying to pause and stop angry with the child and for yourself. To do this, it is useful to go to another room, at least a few minutes to be alone with you. It is necessary to find the point of reference with which it all started. What kind words or actions of the child provoked the reaction? What feelings overwhelmed you at that moment? When the parent himself is in contact with his emotional experiences, to help the child it becomes much easier.

Anger can be displayed in different ways, but not every way acceptable. Physical manifestations are unacceptable, because parents must immediately stop attempts to remove the wrath fists. To explain this to the child should be calm, but firmly. Anger for a child is natural. Small children are poorly responsible for controlling their emotions, their brain is not yet sufficiently developed for this. Even adults it is difficult to cope with a strong anger that talk about children.

It should be understood that the anger child is protected from an external or inner threat. Suppressing those or other feelings, feelings of fear or resentment, the child provokes anger in himself. Therefore, it is quite natural that the baby wants to get rid of these experiences, throw them out. To indiscriminate anger with an acceptable way, you can try one of the methods of art therapy. For this, the child is asked to draw the most "terrible" animal. Then the parent takes this picture in his hands, and telesses the "beautiful" from it. Actions are performed several times, after which the child is made from the "terrible" "beautiful" animal already.

Each person is important to be heard - it does not matter, the child is or an adult. The kid who is trying to understand, feels it and calms down faster.

Also, parents are also extremely helpful to try to get into place of the child. Any situation can be considered from different angles. The child will be easier to understand if you look at all of his eyes. At the same time, parents should show the chad that they are not indifferent to them.

Baby needs parental love like air. Especially in those moments when he is hard, and he is experiencing anger. When the child calms down, it is worth talking to him about the feelings and that he experienced. But you do not need to read the notations. He understands that he is wrong.

The child needs to purposefully teach the correct expression of emotions. And for this, the parent itself should be close to the experiences of Chad. It is possible to start with the baby learned not to save aggression, but to report other people about her.

The easiest way to do this, saying out loud feelings of the child. For example: "You're angry", "You're upset", "I see, you didn't like it ...". Also, the parent can inform the child and about his own experiences: "I see that you are angry. And I'm sad. "

The baby is worth making an "expert" in the current situation. For example, saying: "And what will we do now? How do you imagine again (find a good mood)? " At the same time, it is necessary to listen to their feelings, and to the child, selecting the most suitable options. Even the process of finding a good arrangement of the spirit can become very exciting both for Chad and for his parent.

The search process can be supported by a material method. For example, making a list of all those things that brought joy to the baby. Psychologists recommend to perform one fifth part of the methods listed in this list every day. But it costs it without binding to the emergence of a stressful state - and in those days when the child is capricious, and in those when he has a good mood. This will make a very useful habit from the kid - please yourself. In the stressful situation, he will be easier for him to agree to the proposal to switch with traumatic circumstances to a pleasant occupation.

Additional Recommendation: The method of personification in the fight against aggression in young children

If the baby is even less than three years old, then it is possible to use the reception of personification of feelings. If the child starts to be angry, the parent is recommended to help him choose the right metaphor for stewdered feelings: "Are you angry like a tiger? Or as a dragon? Or maybe like a bull? ". An adult can even demonstrate how one or another representative of the animal kingdom could be angry.

After that, you can ask a question: "What should this be done so that this animal calms down, having fun?". And the child can suggest a way with which you can neutralize his irritation.

Hysteria in children is what most often causes hysteria in adults. Tautology, but, in fact, it is: the state of children's hysteria can introduce parents and the surrounding adults into the state of "spiritual excitement" or affect. Of course, this, fortunately, is not the form when terrible things are made, but often adults cannot control themselves. What to do with my parents - we disassemble and will disassemble yet. But what happens to children?

The symptoms of the hysterical are different, they depend on the age of the child and from the reasons that this hysteria caused:

Drop on the floor with a cry;
fall per floor silently;
beating your head against the wall and about the floor;
Children can close and leave all, being alone;
Children simply scream and shout, not falling;
Children show aggression towards others.

The reason for the hysterical of the child from 1 year to 3 years can be hidden in the absence of a mental reboot, in the fact that it is not hears and do not understand. And also in the fact that the baby can not be explained with others, because his discovery is not yet developed. As we grow and approach, by 3 years, the reasons are gradually changing and transferred to the need to obtain feedback from parents. The child has achieved sufficient experience for manipulating others, and it enters the state "I will afford the world." In the older children, the reasons for hysteria should be sought in fatigue, the desire to achieve their, hormonal changes, lack of parental attention. Of course, the reasons are different, and the output methods from these states are also different! We will analyze them in order.

But before I want to pay attention to that there are symptoms at which it is necessary to contact a neurologist or a psychoneurologist.

1. The child loses consciousness during the hysterical.
2. Exit from hysteria (sobbing, suffering, experience) continues for more than an hour.
3. The child is trying to put injuries.

The most important thing is that any hysteria is better not allowed.

As a rule, parents can notice in which situations this splash occurs. If you can not say so immediately, I advise you to keep the baby's day diary within 2-3 weeks. So you can understand how he passed his day and what was the trigger mechanism for the hysteria. This is a boring occupation, but it will help you prevent these states in a child, come up with a ritual smoothing the situation and save your psyche. After all, if you know that the child falls and breaks something, you do not allow this? The same principle works here.

The second important point - hysterics should not be fixed. If, as a result of their emotions, the child will receive the desired - hysteria will continue and increase.

Another important condition is to fix the achievements: both yours and the child. After all, so you learn that your behavior line is correct, and you will be for what to encourage yourself, and baby.

Remember that any hysteria has three stages. Stage of Creek - the child shouts, not requiring anything and no one seeing around. The stage of motor excitement - begins to throw everything that comes across to his arm, and if there is nothing, it simply grows his legs and waves with random hands. Stage of sobbing - the child flies, sobs and looks at the suffering look. Our task is to not allow the third stage, it is the most traumatic for the kid.

Let's talk about the basic methods of combating hysteria in a child:

1. Sorry. Suitable for children of any age, provided they give it to do. Remember that the child at that moment is not easy, it emotionally suffers!
2. Method "Presence Effect". Suitable for children under 3 years old. We must remember that the child is tired, it takes 3-4 minutes to reboot. Give him crying. Strictly by the clock. At this time, silently sit next. After the time expires, do not start any discussions, but simply go to a normal conversation, now you can regret.
3. The "conversation whisper" method. Suitable for children from 3 years. At the moments of hysterics, whims or emotional bursts in a child - go on a whisper. This will calm you, and will lead the child in feeling.
4. Teach the child to report tired, irritation or inner aggression. For example, go to hit the pillow or pear chair, say a certain code word or phrase: "Mom, I'm tired!", Or ask for help. Suitable for children from 3 years.
5. Let's task and encourage their execution. This is also a method for preventing hysterical, works for children from 2 years. For example, the baby got used to the mother asks "Three stench, three oaths" - he does it, and Mom rejoices. Then he easier reacts to your voice and makes it easier to feed on your emotional call. As you grow, complicate the tasks.
6. Method "Distraction" - for children up to 3 years. That is, we switch the attention of the child to anything: birds flew, bubbles inflated, etc.
7. The "Competition" method works with children from 2 to 4 years. Invite the child to do something chairs ("Who will achieve the first to the entrance", etc.).
8. The Liembor method is suitable from 2 to 5 years. Offer a choice of two options, each of which will suit you knowing: "Let's be a stove cookie or sculpt from plasticine."
9. Method "live a step forward". You do not notice what is happening, and aloud, talk about what will happen next: "Oh, I will go dress up, soon it is necessary to go on the car." The method is suitable for children from 2 years to infinity. And husbands too!
10. Method "ignore". Get out of the room and do not observe your hysteria. Used only in a familiar for a child environment and never - in someone else's and unfamiliar atmosphere! You can leave a child older than 3 years for the number of minutes, equal to its age (3-4 minutes for a child 3 years). Get out of the room or leave the child in his room (necessarily lit). Do not say anything accusing, do not calm down. You will be launched silence mode.
11. Come up with a code phrase of fixation of attention, for example: "Our Dunny cries loudly." When a child gets used to her, she slows it.
12. Smile, translate everything in a joke! After all, you should not be important to the analysis of the situation and the censure of the child, but that the hysterics ceased. A similar method works great on children up to 5 years.
13. Remember that the child at the time of the tantrum also suffers, treat him with understanding and condescension just because you are older and wiser!

Materials: Questionnaires and distribution material in the number of participants.

Time spending: 1 hour.

The course of the meeting

Introduction.

Dear Pope and Moms!

Each of us wants our children to grow healthy and happy to be able to enjoy the world around the world and successfully lived the day so that they are confident in their power and skillfully fight difficulties, resistant tolerances of fate, preserved peace of mind in the most unforeseen situations.
The manifestation of the ability to fight difficulties begins with the first days of the child's life. But sometimes, trying to protect his child as much as possible, we are a cherished and guard him, warning the desires and needs, we try to make it easier to ease his life. This, adults, harm his psyche, break his emotional sphere. The child, delivered in this situation, does not develop emotionally, does not know how to cope with his emotions, does not learn how to deal with the difficulties of life and solve emerging problems. This affects learning results, on communicating with peers and adults. Inability to live in harmony with it leads to violations of physical health, various diseases.
Our children do not always know how to rejoice and disappear, show will and character in achieving the goal. The sooner we spoke about this, the faster we can help children cope with their emotions and develop them in the right direction.
A few questions are presented to your attention. Answer them now, think about the emotional life of your child. (Questionnaires remain at the parents).

I think that each of you made certain conclusions, answering questions. This will help us to carefully understand the question that we have submitted to the discussion today: how to help your child cope with emotions?

Emotions of the child and what causes them.

What is emotion? Emotions are internal human experiences. Emotions express the attitude of a person to folding or possible situations and are situational.

The emotional states of a person include:

• mood (total persistent actual emotional state of a person who determines its total tone and activity);

• passion (strong, all herself subordinating the passion for a person by anyone or anything);

• affect (bright, short-term emotional experience, for example, grief with a loss of a loved one, anger with treason, joy in success);

• feelings (higher human emotions associated with those people, events, subjects that are significant for this person);

• stress (state of strong general stress, excitation in difficult, unusual, extreme conditions).

Emotions can be positive and negative.

Positive emotions most of us are satisfied, they want to save longer. But negative interfere with, strain, make us vulnerable (such as anger, hatred, fear, disgust, etc.), so they want to get rid of them. How to help our kids in this? First you need to know what causes negative emotions in the child. There are quite a lot of such reasons, highlight the main.

What causes a child negative emotions?

The contradiction between a strong desire and the inability to satisfy it (manifests itself very brightly).

The conflict, which consists in increased child demands, unsure of its own forces (is observed in a situation where parents make overestimated requirements in the teaching, which is clearly unable to him).

The inconsistency of parents, parents and teachers (for example, the coach brings up discipline, requires compliance with a certain regime by an athlete, the parents of the same coach do not support this), as a result, anger is formed, distrust, so the coherence of parents and teachers' action is so important.

Frequent negative emotional states of adults and the lack of skills of control and self-regulation on their part. In psychology, there is such a concept as infection, i.e. involuntary transmission of emotional state from one person to another. Therefore, it is important to learn how to teach the child to cope with your emotions.

Use orders, accusations, threats, insults instead of a trust conversation and a joint analysis of the situation.

How to cope with emotions that are raging due to some situation? Whether it is an excitement in front of an important event or failure, or, on the contrary, when in case of emergency success, positive emotions are so strong that they begin to interfere. Support your baby!

Support for a child in situations of excitement or failure.

Our sincere care, attention, love for children helps them to cope with many difficulties, retain the psychological comfort of the child, and it does not matter how old he is!

The child constantly asks the question: "Do you like me?". Maybe says it out loud, and maybe it remains in the inner dialogue. If we love the child, of course, he feels that the answer to this question is positive, if we love it conditionally (we only do love when the child "behaved well", was successful), then he loses confidence in himself, becomes anxious and tense. From the answer that the child receives this vital question for him is to a large extent its main attitude towards life. It is fundamentally significant for its further development.

It is important that in the depths of the soul we can experience a fiery love for your child, but this is not enough. It is through our behavior that the child feels our love for himself, he not only hears that we are talking, but also feels, as we say, and most importantly, what we do. On the child, our actions act much stronger than words.

What are the ways of expressing parental love and support in difficult situations for a child? Let's think about them together, because many of them you use. (Named parents, ways to express love and support are recorded on the board and are discussed).

Contact eye

Under the contact of the eye is meant our direct view of the eye to another person. Most people do not realize how the decisive factor is. Have you ever tried to talk to a person who stubbornly turns away, avoiding looking into your face? It is difficult, imagine, and very sharply affect our attitude towards him. We are more likely more likely and more people with open and friendly eyes, a sincere smile, friendly and friendly attitude towards the interlocutor. Numerous studies have shown that an open, natural, benevolent look right into the child's eyes is essential not only to establish good communication interaction with it, but also to meet its emotional needs.

Contact an eye (we are aware or not) is the main means to transfer our love for children. The more often the parents look at the child, the more he is impregnated with this love. However, other signals can be transmitted through the eye contact. Especially undesirable to use the contact of the eye, when parents make a child suggestion, punish, scold, reproach it, etc. When parents use this powerful control tool mainly in a negative key, the child sees his parent mostly in a negative plan. While the child is small, fear makes it submissive and obedient, and externally suits us well. But the child grows, and the fear is replaced by anger, offend, depression.

The child's careful thing is listening to us when we look into your eyes.

Anxious, unsure children most need to contact the eye. Affectionate look can reduce the level of anxiety. The information transferred to the look can be deeper by imprinting the child's consciousness than said words.

Physical contact

It would seem that it would be quite natural, but studies have shown that most parents touch their children only if necessary (helping to dress, translating across the road, etc.). It is not necessary for physical contact at all it is not necessary to climb a child with hugs and kisses, it is quite enough to touch the hand, stroke the head, sweat through the hair, etc. The main thing is that all these gentle touchs are natural and sincere and have not been demonstrative or excessive.

It is the opinion that caressing and tenderness is important for girls, the boys "calf tenderness" for nothing. This is to some extent true in relation to the boys older than 7-8 years (but also at 8, and 10, and at 12, and in 15 years the child needs physical contact, only his forms can be more restrained), but For full-fledged development, the boy from the first days of life needs no less than love and physical caress than girls.

Close attention

The next way to express love and support to the child is close attention under which our full focus on the child is understood, without distraction for any little things, allowing the child to feel that he is in the eyes of parents the most important person in the world. Oddly enough, most often in minutes, when the child is more all needed, our close attention is necessary, we are not located for any circumstances to it. Here you have to give up any cases or entertainment, because it is extremely important for the development of a positive self-assessment of the child. If a child does not get enough attention, he feels that everything is more important in the world than he, and this is the cause of his anxiety. As a result, such a child has no sense of security and thereby violates its emotional development.

Please remember how often you communicate with your child, while not doing any other activities (except for joint activities with a child)?

It can be a joint game, campaign, intimate conversation.

If we show close attention to a small child, then it acquires the ability and the need to share with adults with its experiences, makes it naturally, even experiencing crisis periods in his life.

Self-regulation

We have already said that the child can "get infected" with the negative emotions of an adult, so it is important to learn how to manage your emotional state and teach this child.

It is possible to influence your emotional state and on the state of the child with the help of exercise specially developed by psychologists and physiologists.

When a person is experiencing any emotions, they can usually be determined by his facial expressions. In addition to the muscles of the face, the tone also changes in other muscles of the body. Only it is not so noticeable. But the supervisory person can walk, posture and some other external signs to determine in which mood is a person.

Having learned to regulate muscle tone, learning to relax, we get some power over your emotions. So, controlling the tensions of their muscles, we control our emotions.

The fact is that the muscular tone is directly related to the activity of the brain, therefore, relaxing almost all its muscles, we reduce this activity and give a brain the opportunity to relax and restore your strength.

Relaxation is a universal recovery process not only muscles, but also the nervous system.

On sheets issued to you, several exercises are offered for children who can master together, and several techniques for you.

Pay attention to very simple breathing techniques. Let's practice and rest.

Basic self-regulation of breathing.

Sit and take a comfortable position.

Put one hand in the navel area, the second - on the chest (these manipulations must be performed only at the initial stage of mastering the technique in order to remember the correct sequence of respiratory movements and the sensations arising).

Make a deep breath (lasting at least 2-4 seconds), gaining air first in the stomach, and then fill it all the chest.

Hold your breath for 1 to 2 seconds.

Exhale slowly and smoothly. The exhalation should be longer inhale twice.

Again, take a deep breath without stopping and repeat the exercise.

Exercise is repeated 4 - 5 times in a row.

It must be remembered that when performing this technology, dizziness may occur. This is due to individual features. In the event of dizziness, reduce the number of cycles performed in one approach.

The technique of self-regulation of respiration can and it is important to use not only at the moments of psycho-emotional stress, but during the day from 5 to 15 times, paying it to perform 1 minute. This technique perfectly helps to remove emotional arousal, state of tension, etc.

Literature:

Burmistrova E.V. Psychological assistance in crisis situations (prevention of crisis situations in the educational environment). M.: MGPPU, 2006

Derekleyeva N. Parent meeting in elementary school // School psychologist. - 2004. - №46.

Kapponi V., Novak T. Himself is a psychologist. SPb.: "Peter", 1994

Campl R. How to actually love children. M.: Mirt, 1997

From the point of view of biology, each living organism is able to react to stimuli. For the human body, emotions will be such a reaction. Every day we all experience the most different range of emotions, we express some of them with words or actions, and some restrain because the traditions of our society are so prescribed. Children's psychologist Pavel Taruntaev shares recommendations, how to teach the child to own himself and reasonably take their feelings.

How to develop self-control

By 5-6 years old, the child is already beginning to form the infringement of the ability to self-control, and this is the basis of the ability to control themselves and their emotions. Develop it relatively simple: for this. You can use board games with rules. If the child does not obey them, he will not be able to win or even be excluded from the game.

Scene-role-playing games are perfect. When a child does what the game is prescribed, for example, depicts a watch that should not move, he is experiencing dual feelings. On the one hand, he wants to have fun, and it is necessary to stand silently; On the other hand, he copes with his role, and this brings a sense of deep satisfaction. So, playing, the child learns self-control.

There are special games that form arbitrariness in children, such as "traffic lights": the lead has three color signs. When he shows green, you can jump and scream, yellow - you need to turn into a mouse, red - to measure. If modern children had more plot role-playing games, they would have less problems with self-control.

How to teach a child to own yourself

Not always the rapid expansion of feelings by a child is a problem that requires an urgent solution, it all depends on temperament. Some children are emotional from nature, and something is difficult to do with it, and it is not always necessary: \u200b\u200bsuch is their nervous system, and this is not pathology. The question is to help them better manage themselves and avoid serious consequences. The reason for alarm is long or too vivid negative states (hysterics, sharp mood swings) at any age.

Emotions need to be taken ...

Believe with understanding to the feelings of the child and do not devalue them. Let him not hear such phrases from you: "There is nothing to be afraid of", "", "this is nonsense, calm down." With these statements, we seem to take the right to experience emotions from the child. And if they are suppressed, then emotions become uncontrollable, cause shame and lead to an excess load on the nervous system.

It is very important to speak the child that he has the right to experience a variety of emotions. In no case cannot be called any feelings inadmissible: "You can not be angry", "Is it possible to worry so much?" An unacceptable rather can be a demonstration of some feelings in certain circumstances. For example, when mom did not bought a toy that a child wanted, he could get angry with her - it's natural for him. But he has no right to hit it.

... distinguish and express verbel ...

Help your child to express your feelings, and verbally. Analyzing them together: "You're angry, it's a shame, because ..." It is important that the baby realizes what happens to him why he is experiencing any emotions. When the feeling is somehow characterized out loud, it is already partly controlled. If not to pay attention to this, the child will feel like in the raging sea, not knowing where he moves and what to do.

Let the children have the opportunity to flush emotions, rejoice and be sad without parental comments. You can even equip some kind of corner where the child can express his anger or stormy joy, jump and run, tear paper and so on. In my opinion, it's easier and effective to give children some kind of playing with them on the street, so that the storm of emotions, which they worry, went painlessly for them, and for others.

For many children, computer shooting games becomes high and the ability to fake aggression. I would not advise you to use them as a way to throw out emotions, if we are talking about children 5-6 years old (and even 14): they are not yet able to fully understand the difference between the game and reality, and aggression is not worked out, but increases.

... analyze

Child hands up? Do not tell him: "Do not be sad, because he is already sad. It is best to distract him, play with him and be sure to talk that the feeling that he is experiencing will pass with time. On the one hand, we show the child that we are not only experiencing emotions: you can talk about them. On the other hand, we give him an important advice: you need to be able to switch, and not focus and torment yourself. And also - take active steps to change the situation.

As a child can help himself

With 5-6 years old, you can train the child with certain ways of relaxation that will allow him to keep themselves in their hands at the moments of strong experiences and not give in to emotions. It may be respiratory gymnastics, and self-massage, and even the game of imagination. For example, if a child is very, he can imagine himself as a king, and the audience is subjects, and it will help him calm down a little.

Each emotional state must be recognized, to realize its reasons and continue to try to cope with it and make some conclusions from it.

How culture affects ways to express emotions

Is it necessary to approach the containment of positive and negative emotions in different ways? It is rather a cultural issue, and in our society, more attention is paid to negative manifestations. In my practice, I did not meet the children whose parents would designate the problem like this: "He is too rapidly rejoicing."

But sometimes it can become a problem. For example, if a schoolboy was very happy about the lesson, it is unlikely to jump and dance in the classroom - not accepted. Here, the ways of complacency will come to the rescue, which I have already mentioned: to calculate to myself to ten, to hold your breath. In some cases, it is important to be able to contain emotion, that is, it's not to get it off immediately, and then, when it takes time, and to find a way to express it.

And express feelings less, and anyone. These are cultural traditions, and something is quite difficult to do with it. If the fifth grade pays for peers, it is likely to be perceived as weakness, reason for jokes and significantly reduce its status. But it is impossible to suppress strong sadness and anger too: this leads to emotional problems and more serious consequences up to psyche violations. The boy should know: he has the right to experience any feelings and the ability to express them - somewhere in a safe place, for example, at home, near the benevolent parents, who always listened to him.

A sensible attitude to their own emotions and the skill of them to manage - very important qualities that do not arise by themselves. Help the child listen to himself and possess your emotions.

Summary: How parents learn to control negative emotions. How to cope with emotions. How to learn to own yourself. How to cope with anger.

The most difficult for parents in raising children is to cope with your own emotions. "What can I do?" He says one of the mothers. "I know that I don't have to be angry, but when my children begin to fight, I just go crazy, I do not remember myself and before I understand what I'm doing, I scream already screaming." . But the words of another mother: "When I walk on my children, I feel so guilty that later, trying to blame with them, I begin to indulge in everything."

Educators understand that such a manifestation of feelings is the wrong reaction to children. And if we want to become parents who act effectively and successfully cope with their responsibilities, we must learn to own our feelings. And if we do not find a way to solve this task, then we will have to keep an endless fight for exhaustion to constantly keep their feelings in the cord. And it will be very difficult for us to achieve in the upbringing of the goals that we ourselves.

Where do all these rapid emotions come from? People often say: "I just distraited from this" or "he made me feel so guilty," as if external events give rise to our emotions. But from the point of view of a cognitive (reasonable) approach and modern knowledge, we will produce our feelings along with the interpretations that we give everything outside us. In other words, our emotions cause no external circumstances. On the contrary, for the most part, our feelings are determined by the fact that we ourselves speak our thoughts. So, we feel what you think!

According to this theory, our thinking is a kind of internal speech, a special conversation with themselves. Sometimes we are aware of these internal dialogues, and sometimes they pass unconsciously, so rapidly and unpacked that we are not able to notice them. But we know very well what feelings and acts are born from such conversations in our mind. We can accustom themselves to determine the thoughts upset us, which make us go out and bring us to breakdown. We can find out those beliefs and expectations on which they are based, and gradually change them. This will lead to a less intense, more balanced emotional state. When we learn to monitor and prevent those feelings that lead to unrecognizable protective reactions, self-defense (rapidly turning into aggression against that, in whom we see the source of the threat and danger to us, for the state in which we prefer to stay), we will be able to create Sustainable habits. And when we learn to control your feelings, we will be able to better cope with the problems of upbringing.

In this article we will focus on one of the most destructive and dangerous feelings, which occurs from parents when they deal with children. it anger.

What makes us fall into anger?

Irritability, anger is one of the main problems of all parents and almost the most destructive power inside the family. Most people who easily leaving themselves are aware of the destructive influence of their anger and the humiliating position in which they put themselves. But for the most part, they are absolutely helpless and can not do anything about it, because they do not understand the reasons for their anger.

Behind the outbreaks of anger, as a rule, it is worth the conviction that life should go exactly as we want. And when people or situations contradict the man invested by a man, his dreams, ideas and aspirations, its hopes, expectations, orders, instructions, the requirements of the decision made by him, then the person is developing with angry condemnation.

Our subconscious requirement so that everything happens exactly as we want it, causes our anger and towards children. For example, women often bargain and shout when children leave an unlocked room. But the maternal anger is not the mess in the children's room, but the fact that the mother speaks about it. If she thinks: "What a mess! I would like children to leave a room in such a state when they leave," then her emotional reaction to the mess will be a meek. She will not feel happy, but not necessarily greatly upset. And the evil mother will rather say to himself: "In life I have not seen such wild disorder! Why my children are such terrible sludge! Why are they not able to maintain order in their room!" There is a categorical requirement for this indignation: "My children are obliged to maintain order in the room!" We do not always realize this requirement, but nevertheless it is constantly present.

And what's wrong with this, can someone ask. In the end, accuracy is very important quality, all parents must try to teach them their children. The problem is that if we are angry, the requirement of perfection becomes the main in our words. In real, we declare at this time: "My children should always be like I want!" This requirement is unrealistic and irrational. The intention to accustom children to accuracy is worthy of praise, but our anger is contrary to the task of education in the children of this good quality.

Intolerance and impatience

Although such requirements are standing for every anger, they are not his direct cause. It turns out our anger, leads to breaking the opinion that such a situation is unbearable. When we are angry, we don't just think about the inadmissibility that our children behave not as we want it. We still speak ourselves that it is "terrible" and that "we can't leave it so."

Condemnation

Anger is not only a rejection of the situation. It also includes condemnation. When our children behave badly, we quickly go from "it can not be left!" To "They are terrible children!" For example, if we are angry with a child who does not go when we call him, we are not only upset by our "terrible" concern. We still condemn and scold a child for having caused our anxiety. We may think:

"He heard me, knew that he had to approach, why didn't you do this? Obviously, he does not want to obey. He is just bad!" I attributing bad motives to the child, we begin to see his bad himself. Our anger is intensifying if we believe that our child acted so on purpose to get rid of us, or that he can behave well if he wants.

We are not always aware of negative judgments, which are the attack of our anger. But if we recall everything that thought at this time, we can detect it. For example, if the child speaks disrespectful with us, the thought arises: "How he dares to talk to me in such a tone!" And although there was no negative assessment of the child, it is invisibly present. To reveal it, sufficiently ask yourself: "Who is he so to talk to me? (Bad boy!)". And the same, if we think: "He should not talk to me so much!", "You can continue the course of my thoughts:" And since he does it, he ... (terrible child!) ". We do not want to admit this, but reasoning is always like that.

Disappointment disappointment and low restraint threshold

Parents who often annoyed for children may be suffering from low restraint threshold. And the reason for this in the belief is that they are unable to transfer pain, inconvenience or disappointment.

Parents with such a complex require their lives to always be light and comfortable, and they never had to suffer and worry. But children in the process of growth endlessly cause concern. They deprive us sleep; They tie us to the house; They make us do an extra work; they are for us financial burden; And since they all have their own opinion, they often come in their own way.

And although we often wanted everything to happen otherwise, nevertheless we can stay quite happy if you learn to take anxiety and disappointment is calm. If wiping the floor from the milk sheds by a child, we think: "What a terrible mess I have to clean up. It's terrible. I should not work so hard," in this case we cannot do not get angry with the child himself, which forced us to fulfill All this additional work.

In this way, it is our requirement that the situations that cause anxiety and disappointment did not exist, generates our anger. We continue to insist that everything happened differently, having in mind that: "Everything should be as I want, otherwise I just can not stand it!" By themselves, circumstances that may cause irritation or excitement will not entail anger if we do not speak ourselves: "There should be no such terrible concern."

Basically, behind the anger is a belief: "I want to have, I should have something that I want." And not getting the desired, we are disappointing. Anger arises from thought: "I can not bear the fact that my desires do not fulfill!" Therefore, we fall into anger when they insist that it is quiet, and children arrange noise; Or when we demand that children be well led, and they are rude and unmanageable.

Anger does not give us any advantages

If anger was an effective way to make children change their bad behavior, we would soon see that they stopped so. But the opposite, anger is one of the most inefficient ways to respond to poor behavior of children.

For example, your five-year-old son is constantly offended and hits his younger sister and makes her cry. You asked him many times to stop this, but he continues, and you tear off the cry: "What is happening to you? What do you want from your little sister? Do you really do not treat her in human!" After that, your five-year-old son will have even less desire to change their behavior. If he takes your negative assessment, he will think that he is bad. And if it rejects it, it will try to protect yourself. Moreover, your aggression will cause him a response aggression towards you - and it is unlikely that the best mood for consent.

In fact, anger even enshrines the behavior that we want to eliminate. In the eyes of the child, our anger means that he is bad. Gradually, he perceives this assessment as a truth and comes to the conclusion: "Here I am. So I will always do." And he continues to behave as bad as before.

Anger, of course, can intimidate children and make them obey, but it will be paid for an expensive price of their relationship with us. Moreover, the results achieved at best are temporary. And soon we will have to resort to anger constantly to achieve children's obedience. While we do not reach what we are forced to admit: "They listen to me only when I break down and shout."

Pressing anger

Can control of angiveness bring damage? Modern psychology claims that anger suppression can harm, and encourages people to "release steam" and express their wrath freely. However, some psychologists today are subject to doubt. So, Dr. Karol Tauris writes: "It seems to me that the main effect of the theory of the vigorous steam is reduced to raising noise in our lives, and not to a decrease in problems. I noticed that people, especially those inclined to express anger, are not calmer from this, but On the contrary, even more angry and evil. "

But the conscious approach to what is happening is not in the suppression or containment of anger, but first of all, to work with the root of this phenomenon - our negative judgments and estimates. Pay attention to the two approaches in the following mother's story.

My son himself was not dressed, although it could well do it. And when I told him to dress, he ignored it or answered me to wear it. And every time I repeated my words, my voice was becoming more stringent. I continued to convince myself: "No, I will not lose control - I will not shout on him, I'm not slapped." But with each repetition of my requirement, I felt that I was growing my irritation. Later, thinking about this situation, I was perplexed where I made a mistake. And suddenly realized that the idea is not to keep self-control in anger, but in order to correctly eliminate the reasons for anger. What helps me most, so it's myself: "I'm not going to achieve my goal with anger!" And now my son began to dress himself, although I'm not talking to him. He does not always do it, but they really served as the beginning. It convinced me that, while maintaining calm, it is possible to achieve incomparably more.

How to get rid of anger

Caring for the good of the child

The first step towards preventing anger is to stop demanding from children of perfection and seek comfort and amenities for yourself. The main thing should be done by our own desires, but the well-being of children. For example, if we do not want to be angry with children due to the fact that they did not remove the room, we must stop concentrated on our own displeasure. Instead, it is necessary to think about how accuracy and love for order can help our children. And from here you can already begin searching for constructive solutions to the problem of disorder in the room.

Learn to cope with disappointment

Recall that our anger does not give rise to external circumstances and events under which we are facing disappointment, the crash of expectations and hopes or simply inconvenience, and our attitude towards them, assessing these circumstances as unacceptable and unbearable. We begin to start from a long baby crying and screaming, because we tell ourselves that we can no longer withstand it. And the subconscious reason for this anger is our urgent desire, our requirement to lead a quiet life with all the amenities. When we are angry because of the children's crying, we do not speak ourselves that they would have preferred that we would not interfere with this noise, perceiving it simply as a completely tolerant inconvenience. Rather, we tell ourselves that we can not be so terrible to interfere, that it is simply unbearable that it is no longer impossible to endure a single second!

It is escalation from the preferences of life without disappointment to the requirement of such conditions brings us to an angry reaction. Therefore, the first step to get rid of the power of anger should be a refusal of such a requirement. It is necessary to stop insist on the fact that if we prefer an easy life, it means that we have to have it. It is necessary to be rigid towards yourself and question this fundamental faith. And in the end, is our desire, so that the children behave well, enough to always take this way? Is it because we prefer never to be subject to inconvenience or disappointments, this should happen?

It is meaningless to speak to yourself when something goes not so that we simply cannot withstand it. After all, we still continue to exist. So, we can easily transfer it, although without much pleasure.

Imagine someone by the window on a rainy day, he looks at the shower and angry says: "The rain should not go, the sun should come out!" When you are angry and think: "It should not happen!" - Don't you do the same thing? Life is often not easy and causes disappointment, but we must take this fact and learn to live with it.

You are tired, because because of the sick child did not sleep all night, and worry as you handle your day work. But do not cause your anger with such thoughts: "It should not happen, I can't lead such a difficult life!" Instead, tell me: "I had a hard night, I was tired and I would hardly fulfill my job, but I hope I can't cope." And when your children begin a fight, do not enter the rage, saying to yourself: "They do not dare to behave like that I causing so much trouble!" Instead, tell me: "I am ashamed that they behave this way, you need to think that you can do this, how to solve this problem."

The essence of the case is to avoid extreme estimates. The child shouts for more than an hour, and it is quite natural to shout in response: "I can no longer carry this cry!" But it is much better to choose another, softer expression: "His cry acts on the nerves, but it is quite tolerant, I can survive it." And wiping spilled milk, you can say to yourself: "I do not like to do it, but it is not scary." But if we solid about our horrible mess, then this case becomes unbearable for us. We must learn to take a moderate and acceptable position in relation to the difficulties of life.

And it should be borne in mind that we only increase our problems if you are upset because of them. We may not like to wipe the spilled milk. But if we are angry because of the additional work, then our frustration also joins it. So we force ourselves meaningless to suffer.

If we prepared for disappointments, deceived expectations and difficulties that are found on the way, this will eliminate the main cause of unnecessary wrath and irritation. And then we see that much better can cope with traumatic circumstances when they arise.

To judge favorably

Another important reason for unnecessary anger on children is our custom to judge and condemn them for flaws. If we do not want to be angry, you need to learn how to judge the children favorably, despite their obvious shortcomings.

We, as we strengthen, should give our children a privilege of doubts. A child who did not come to you when you called him, could just not hear you. But even if it is clear that he heard you and understood, and does not obey you, you must talk to him about it without any suspicion that he deliberately goes badly. Only due to the fact that your child behaves incorrectly, should not be assessed negatively. On the contrary, you should look for softening circumstances for his behavior (for example, that he just did not want to leave his friend). The child needs to be calm, but firmly say: "I know how difficult it is to part with friends when you play with them, but if I call you, then it is obliged to approach."

Parents must insist without oscillations on their rights, but avoid any negative judgments.

One of the most frequent negative judgments in connection with child disobedience is the reproaches of the parents in the fact that the child does everything on purpose, just to upset them and call. But they should understand that there are always some softening circumstances, even if children do not listen to them intentionally. For example, instead of considering the behavior of a child who pursues and offends his younger sister, a deliberate desire to interfere with us, it is better to choose a favorable explanation of his act: "He does not do it because he wants to upset me, just likes to do it." And instead of angry with the child, who shouts at us because we do not fulfill his desire, we can say ourselves: "I know that he does not want to hurt me. Just he has not yet learned to transfer disappointment. He has not yet developed self-control. "

It helps stop angry, especially if we mean that children can sincerely regret their bad behavior and subsequently repent of it.

Conduct a distinction between the child and his behavior

In order not to be angry with your child, do not consider it bad when he behaves badly. We must learn to distinguish between the action and those who commit it. For example, your child can start a dispute about washing dishes. If you think: "He always argues when I tell him something to do! He has no sense of duty, he is so spoiled!", Of course, you are forced to get angry at him, you just have no other way out. Instead, separate the child from his behavior, saying: "He has a bad habit of arguing when he is asked about something." Then you will be much easier to keep calm and take the right position for a constructive solution to this problem. (For example, you simply do not respond to children's arguments and goodwill, but firmly repeat your requirement to wash the dishes.) Remember: this is not him. This is his bad habit. The child is not equivalent to his behavior.

Stress

If we make sure to avoid exaggerations and negative judgments, we will be able to prevent angry reactions. But often there are situations that increase our emotional sensitivity. It is harder to cope with the disorder of plans and disappointment, when we are in nervous voltage, or experience physical exertion, or when we have a particularly difficult day. It should be borne in mind that pain, disease, testing, lack of sleep and fatigue reduce our resistance and ability to transfer non-fulfillment of our expectations. Then it is especially difficult to keep your anger under control. But we must learn to take it and try to keep calm, conscious that there are techniques that can be used during testing. And do not forget to also be deservedly clapped yourself on the shoulder when you cope with you under stress.

The lion's share of our stress comes from the tension that we create ourselves. We all know how difficult it is calm, trying to satisfy many requirements at once. Therefore, it is so important that parents mark the order of their preferences. We are much more prone to angrily to slap the child when we try to make a lot of different things. Parents should ask themselves such questions: "What is more important, sparkling a clean house or warm, easy relationship with children?", "Should I work to work to cook a wide range of dishes for a family, or better limit the simple menu?"

Although it is impossible to prevent anger to prevent anger, it is impossible and even undesirable to remain absolutely calm under any circumstances. For a child, it is necessary and useful to sometimes see that its actions are upset. And the appropriate comment may sometimes cause sincere regret. For example, if two children begin to offend each other's dispute, it is worth a calmly: "I am very unpleasant to see that my children treat each other so hostile." And when we remove and wash the whole kitchen, and after half an hour we'll be back and see everything upside down there, you can show the child who arranged this mess, as we are upset. Avoid not emotional reactions, but an increased voice and sharp observations of the personality.

Take your fate

Using the approach described in this article, you can minimize and even completely defeat anger. BUT there is an even higher level that helps to cope with disappointments, - sincerely accept that brings us life.