The jealousy of the child at the birth of the second is quite common and ordinary things. And what to do parents who want to prevent the scandals in the family in advance and make all the children are loved and happy?

Experts believe that this problem is sometimes difficult to avoid, but to keep a healthy atmosphere in the house, to instill a sense of responsibility to the second baby, and it is even very necessary.

This is a complex and patient work in which three sides must interact:

• mom (parents, relatives);
• first child;
• psychologist.

Jealousy between children is a normal phenomenon in terms of psychology. It is important to preserve the barrier between the passive form of manifestation and aggressive, so that the child did not cause accusations and conflict situations.

Let the birth of a second child become a pleasure for each family, and the children from the very appearance of the world found a common language and were friends with each other. How to achieve such benefits? Tips for wise and experienced professionals.

The reasons

Causes of children's jealousy are simple and banal - unwillingness to share native man, His attention and care with someone else.

A small child can be jealous to mom not only to the second kid, but also to work, car, computer, to everything that takes his time from his parents.

It is important to explain the chad correctly, why should you deal with such matters, and not spend all the time with him. Thus, it is possible to avoid various types of jealousy.

Types

Passive

• the kid closed in himself, pretends to him that he is indifferent to the presence of a brother or sister;
• he does not ask to play with the baby, keeps cold and removed;
• he may have a viral disease, the abyss of appetite;
• the child holds restrained and does not want to make contact with adults;
• to the question "What happened?" He dismisses and does not speak the true cause of such an unusual behavior.

Semi-offal

• the eldest child always seeks to return to childhood, begins to drink from the bottle, ask for a pot, even wring on the bed, asks him to feed it from the spoon, stretches on his hands, motivating it by "What cannot walk";
• he is capricious, trying in any ways to attract attention.

Aggressive

A difficult form, when a child with screams and screams asks to attribute the younger hospital, spoils the property, refuses to obey in any case, suits the scandals and even trying to do painfully (bites, plump, pushes).

In all cases, the child is simply trying to take a major role in the family and how to receive all the affection and care for your favorite parents.

What needs to be done in order to bring peace and peace to the family? Become an exemplary mother and dad, to give children so much attention and caress, so that they have grown up and support for each other.

How to avoid the jealousy of the older child to the newborn. Tips for psychologist

The rivalry between the children begins in a period of pregnancy, when a mother with a rounded tummy can no longer jump and amused, as before, raise and smear the baby, lying with him and play the way he is already used to.

At this time, the Starfish begins to think that everything is happening because of the one who lies with mom in his stomach.

Preparation for pregnancy

1. It is important to introduce the firstborn to the world of waiting for the second. To tell how the kid grows, show photos, to acquaint the older child to communicate with the baby still in the tummy.
2. Walk together for gifts for the newborn. Let him choose things, clothes, toys to their taste.
3. It will be fine if parents in classes with the firstborn will use books, games, video tapes with role-playing productions, where a happy story will appear about the birth of a brother or sister).
4. Special attention should be paid to the child's regimeThe more calmer he will feel in the family, the less reasons for the emergence of zealous relations to the newborn.
5. Let the expectation of the second child be for the first interesting and a cheerful event. A meeting with a brother or sister - a happy and exciting holiday.

Discharging from maternity hospital

1. A meeting. This is a very responsible period. If the firstborn expects mom with a baby at home, then she first should be hugging and to attract a child, to say gentle words, talking about his health, so that he made sure that he was still loved and appreciated, despite the appearance in the family of one more Karapuza.
2. In the first days It is advisable to make a maximum of effort so that everything flows as your man, despite the fatigue and care of your mother, it is necessary to divide the time at all. Also read the fairy tales of a senior at night, play, kiss and hug it. If the firstborn is already an adult, then it can be added to the process of swimming, changing the newborn, show that such assistance is invaluable for you, and you love your child even more!
3. As children grow It is important to maintain a fair neutrality. When screaming and crying from children's children's heard, do not blame the firstborn, just because he is older. Such a model will bring detrimental consequences. It is necessary to figure it out in everything and fairly to endure punishment.
4. Help senior express your feelings! Mom should explain that jealousy is a normal phenomenon, that's just no need to scream, angry and show aggression in order to show its importance and cost. More often, pronounce the words of love and support, say what kind of independent, responsible caring.

Gradually develop a sense of attachment of children to each other, let each of them be sure of parental love and support.

Work on bugs

It happens that the jealousy of the child at the birth of the second is sharpened in the following cases:

• excessive concentration of attention around the newborn;
• senior child go to the background;
• uncontrolled balobiness relatives of the second child;
• lack of tactile mom's contact with firstborn;
• intentional generalization of children (identical clothing, toys, gifts).

Parents should understand that each child is an individual, requiring certain attention, care and love on their part.

The position of relatives will be unenviable when they will "dance" near the newborn, forgetting to give attention and senior. The feeling of envy and jealousy, which can be provoked by such behavior of adults over the years, as a rule, develops into aggression and alienation of children.

It is very important when the second child appears not to lose psychological contact and mental communication with the firstborn. Also hugging, caressing, kissing it, spending time alone, communicate with him, to answer all the questions that arise.

Yes, sometimes it will do it hard, because the role of Pope in this situation is even more important. He must be near, help mom, be protection and support.

How to deal with children's jealousy at home

1. Do not violate the current traditions. If you drove a son or daughter on a circle, then try to do it and then, let the appearance of a new baby will not appear on the life of the elder.
2. Continue constant tactile contact With the firstborn, with each convenient case, hug it, kiss, say affectionate words, give love and tenderness.
3. Acquish the first chad to care about the second. Let him help you bring a towel to the bathroom, open the diaper, sink shampoo. Or cheer the crumb, sing a song, to dance, speed the grimace. Let him help choose a hat or pants for babies. Such participation will be positively affected by the neutralization of children of jealousy.
4. Sometimes the elder child can ask for a pacifier, take a pot, try not to refuse him in such pans. Believe me, this interest will be lost very quickly, and the firstborn will behave as usual.
5. Be sure to give time to the older alone Without distraction from the newborn. The child should not disappoint a twist cry, indicating that an interesting game with mom has already ended.

Of course, without children's jealousy, it is impossible to do without a children's jealousy, but if you try, you can prevent the deplorable consequences of such negative behavior of the firstborn.

Remember Mom - the most important person In the life of every child, and therefore he should always feel her love and care. Only on us depends on how children will be in the future and how to get along with each other.

Patience to everyone, good and well-being!

Video: Preparation of a senior child for the birth of the second

Such a long-awaited, favorite second kid in the family. More recently, Mom dreamed about his appearance in the family, dad and, of course, the firstborn. Everything has changed, when the firstborn saw, with what love Mom is telling the newborn baby, kisses the handle to the infant. The jealousy of the older child to the younger family member flashes.

Affectionate, obedient, loving his parents, a small little man is changing beyond recognition. Adults face hysteries, screams, aggression to the infant, the requirement to return the newborn back. It is immediately clear that the elder child is jealous. Upset by the appearance in the house of a small brother or sister, the firstborn can even seriously get sick.

Unfortunately, children's jealousy at the birth of the second child is the usual phenomenon. Psychologists warn that all families in which the second child appears with such jealousy. Only from parents depends, in a soft or severe form, addictive firstborn to younger brother or sister will be addressed, whether kids will grow loyal friends Or will be absolutely strangers to each other.

Seeing that all attention in the house is drawn to the youngest child, the senior has a feeling of unnecessary in the family. After all, my mother spends more time with his infants. All conversations in the house - about the new member of the family. In the soul, the kid appears, a feeling of hatred for newborn croche is formed.

Sources of jealousy

Kroch was always sure that his mother loved him, dad. All the time, parents showed their attention to him, care, played together and helped with solving problems. Little fidget felt that he was the most important member of the family. Adults rejoiced the first step, the first tooth. Mom always showed photos where the preschooler was a very tiny infant.

With the advent of the younger brother or sister, Kroch suddenly understands that now it is not his actions, achievements, and not even he himself is the main thing for loved parents. Attention, Mom's love is necessary, it turns out to be waiting. Mom does not run on the first shouting to the eldest misunderstanding, she is engaged in a baby.

The child is jealous of the younger, because it does not receive that comprehensive love that enveloped it before. The firstborn suffers: his mother does not like him, because he was not obedient child. The kid feels lonely, abandoned, especially at night in the dark. The fidget lacks the attention and care that adults previously showed.

Parents now simply do not have so much time on playing, reading fairy tales and walks. During a walk in the park, Mom sits next to a stroller with a baby, and does not rock swing and does not help build a sand castle. Little misunderstanding begins to jealous to the baby. His jealousy to the newborn can sometimes pour out and in causing pain to his younger opponent.

Adults are very important to develop the right line of behavior with its firstborn. If the elder crumble is jealous - treat the negative attitude of your first child to the younger brother or sister. Krochi may have their own opinion. Adults need to understand what feels a frustrated child, help establish a good relationship between children.

Especially acutely showing their jealousy to newborn kids up to 5 years. An older guys no longer requires such a total guardianship like kids. Babies older than 5 years can already play independently, such children already have friends with whom fidget spends quite a long time.

If the first was the first boy or same-sex kids were born, it is worth expecting a bright manifestation of children's jealousy. Senior girls are easier adapting to the appearance of a brother or sister. Girls are actively involved in educational processThey imitate mom, trying to help with care for the baby: trying to change diapers, show rattles, play with the baby.

Do not close the eyes to the wrong behavior of his senior fidget in relation to younger child. In the case of active, aggressive behavior in relation to the newborn, the crumbs require consultation with a psychologist. Do not try to pretend that there are no problems. Children's jealousy will not pass by itself.

Manifestation of jealousy to younger child

Sometimes the jealousy of the firstborn manifests itself in obvious actions, but very often the child cannot express his feelings, and then jealousy leads to a change in the behavior of the preschooler.

• The kid "flows into childhood." Especially often so manifests their jealousy for 2-3 years. The misunderstanding sees how Mom has a special care and attention is shown to a helpless infant. Then Kroch begins to behave like in early childhood: refuses to dress and shove independently, it requires feed it from a spoon or give milk from the chest mommy, stops walking on a pot. Fidget wants him too to be worn on the handles, it starts to suck the dudder again.
• Mental impassions. The emergence of a new family member is a psychological shock for fidget. The psyche of the firstborn is in a state of a strong, permanent stress. The preschooler demonstrates constant mood differences: increased liveliness, attacks of incomprehensible plasticity.
• "Riot on the ship." If you do not like me anymore, I will not obey you - the principle of a little rebar. Choo begins to demonstratively rude herself, hooligan, does everything alternately. For the words of exhorting, parents often hear: you love the Malyavka, and educate it, and I do not need your advice.
• Firstborn asks to return the brother or sister back, in the hospital.
• Consciously trying to cause a baby pain: hit the crumb, pinch, push.
• Takes toys, does not give to play with your toys.
• Refuses to give up their crib with a tiny brother or sister.

To reduce the minimum manifestation of the jealousy of the older crumbs to the younger opponent, parents should have been preparing their firstborn to change in the life of the family for a few months before the birth of the second offsco.

How to avoid jealousy

Psychologists have developed advice, how to help parents prepare a small little man to change in the house. To avoid problems that may arise from a senior with a second child in the family - psychology offers the following behaviors:

In advance, it is better for 2-3 months to spend the necessary changes in the life of the preschooler. Offer to sleep as big, on an adult bed. If the parents decided to highlight a separate room, present moving to this room as a new stage of growing crumbs. For example, you are already a completely independent kid, almost adult, and you will have your own room.

Registration of the preschooler in kindergarten is also better to spend a few months before the advent of the baby in the house. So the baby does not have the feeling that adults want to get rid of it, so they are sent to kindergarten. In kindergarten, a lot of interesting things will appear at the fidget, and in mommy - extra time for breast upbringing.

Before mom feels in the hospital, it would be nice to invite a grandmother into the house for several days. Affectionate female attitude will help the fidget to wait for mom, not traumating the psyche of crumbs with long parting.

Returning from the maternity hospital, mommy must kiss their senior offspring, tell the preschooler, as she was bored without him. It's furifying, show him a little baby. It is better to immediately attract your assistant to general affairs: to ask together with my mother to decompose the baby's things, raise rattles. Ask about what happened to the little fidget during the absence of mom at home. The preschooler will immediately feel that his mother still loves, will gladly help his beloved mother.

Be sure to attract your older child's attention to the manifestations of emotions in the infants: Look, your brother recognized you and smiles to you. To your assistant accidentally hurt the baby, try first not to leave them alone. If the baby is on artificial feeding, you should not give your firstborn to feed the crumb from the bottle.

Do not take childhood from your first child. You should not declare Kroikh: You're older, it means you must and should. It is impossible to push the older baby that he plays. Do not speak a little fidget - you are already an adult, do not behave like a small, be serious.

The firstborn should know: if another kid appeared in the family of the family, the eldest will remain a loved little man. When the mother is very busy with the baby, the task of the Pope is to distract the attention of the elder from sad thoughts.

Love equally

Children really react to any injustice. Any selection of one kid will be a painful blow to the second. The slightest imbalance in relation to siblings will be immediately seen.

• Do not change the mode of the older day, adjusting it to the newborn mode. Every evening your first child got used to listen to the fairy tale, which you told overnight - let this tradition remain.
• All kids in the family should receive the same attention. You feed the baby, or he sleeps - Talk to this time with the older baby. Invite the conversation in a whisper, tell the preschooler how you cared for him when he was also such a crumb.
• Deliver between the kids all equally. You should not say: you are the eldest, then you will cost without juice. They took the babies on the handles, kiss the extracted senior preschooler. The eldest child is not much mature, he also needs to be affected, care, love of parents.

In the family should not be double standards. You should not leave the younger hooliganism without punishment only because it is the smallest in the family, and it is worth forgive. For good actions, it is necessary to praise, you can encourage any actions. For example, allow you to see another cartoon or read the crumb on a new fairy tale.

Be sure to spend a strict conversation with all adult members of your family. Usually grandparents love to allocate one of the grandchildren, pampering him, forgive all pranks, absolutely no attention to the fact that another child is formed a feeling of jealousy. Most often, the grandmother indulge the younger siblings of the family, they reproach the firstborn that they behave badly, thereby repeling children from themselves.

Never blame immediately your firstborn in any conflict situation. First, calm the crumbs, then talk to everyone and find out who is actually to blame. If a fight or quarrel began because of his favorite toys, try to come up with a game in which fidgets will play together.

Always remind kids about their relative proximity. Speak the firstborn that the baby loves him more than the rest, is always happy to take care of himself. Your first baby will feel unfairly offended if family members will give gifts, buy beautiful things only for infants. For him, the concept of justice will be especially acute. Excessive attention to the younger will only cause rejection, hatred for a small member of the family.

Do not compare the achievements of your babies out loud. Arguing who is better who worse - you will not develop the spirit of rivalry. Such discussions in the presence of children only further disconnects the related bonds.

Very often the kids ask mom whom she loves more. Do not allocate one to punish the other. Tell us that all the kids are big love and joy in the family. It is the attitude of adults to their own children forms trustful relationships with small little men, relatives with each other.

Patience, the love of all adult family members, the attention of all their kids will make it possible to create a friendly harmonious atmosphere in the family. Native little karapuses will not appear jealous feeling to each other. Baby will become real friends, which is very important in further adult life.

Alena is a regular expert portal Pupsfull. She writes articles about psychology, upbringing and learning and games for the child.

Posted articles

How much humanity exists, so much lives the jealousy of the older child to the younger. Remember Biblical Cain and you will understand that this negative feeling is not so rare. The overwhelming number of families faces a similar problem when the elder child is not happy to appear a brother or sister. The root of evil lies in the reluctance of the grown kid to share parental love and attention with a new family member.

The child is not always rejoicing the appearance of a younger brother or sister

The greatest sensitivity is the children under 5 years old. This is connected age feature With the fact that they themselves have not yet moved away from parental care and accustomed to consider themselves the most important family members. Hypertrophied form adopts jealousy among same-sex children. For six years old, older, the problem is not so acute, because they already acquire a certain independence and are easier tolerant younger brother or sisters.

What is children's jealousy and how to cope with it?

The hopes of parents on the fact that problems will be avoided, erroneous. It may be possible to smooth out the corners, but it will not be completely excluded. Known child psychologist Donald Woods Vinnikott argues that children's jealousy is a normal phenomenon that has grown in love. A child who does not know how to love, and will not be jealous. The main task of the parents is that the elder child does not feel guilty for his jealous attitude towards the newborn.

A big mistake of many adults is that they try not to notice negative manifestations, close their eyes to the wrong behavior of the firstborn in relation to the infant. It will be right to support the senior, often praise him, show him what you believe in it, regardless of the difference in the age of children.

Fearing to lose your faith in him, the child will try to justify it. Help the "competitor" quietly go through a difficult moment, let him understand that the newborn baby will not overshadow your love, but now you will live together.

For the prevention of children's jealousy, it is better to cook a child to the appearance of younger since pregnancy

Special patience and attention is required from the parents of same-sex children, with a small difference in the age and those who have the first child - a boy. Girls from nature are ready to nurse with the kids, so they make it easier to get along with the thought that they are not alone with their parents. If adults will correctly behave, will smooth the difficult situation and learn to forgive the child, support him and understand, he will survive his zealous attitude.

How to prepare an older child?

Psychologists believe that if you competently prepare a senior script for the emergence of another child, he will overcome the negative even before you return from the maternity hospital. How to explain to the baby the upcoming event, what words to calm him and prepare it? Tell him about the fact that a brother or sister will appear in your family. Prepare the answers to questions about where he will sleep, can you play with him, whether you will love it more than the older.

Answering, do not forget to assure a child in your love, explain that our parents are the roads of the road. Explain the baby like it's great when you have with whom to play and secrete, that your best friend is always with you next. Use for answers to delicate questions of the book about pregnancy and the appearance of children, in an affordable form telling about it. Tell the child about what infants are how they develop and grow, which can and what else can not do. Remind that he was once so.

Need to make focus on the fact that the youngest child will become best friend For senior

Encourage any child's initiative associated with the preparation for a new family member. Choose a stroller and toys with him together, advise about the name of the baby. If the sibling wants to give his baby to the baby, be sure to praise it and rejoice. Each of your action and the word aimed at rapprochement of the Senior Siblings with less will prevent the manifestation of jealousy.

What errors should be avoided?

The most dangerous mistake committed by parents is the removal of Mom from the firstborn in favor of the second child. Forget about such phrases as: you are already quite an adult; You yourself can, you have to behave differently, I will ask you more. Moreover, do not deny the child in the request, indicating the reason that you have another kid. Take note as follows:

• Leave your first place for personal space. Never insist that he gave his toys younger, do not feel cool to the fact that the crouch broke the toy of the firstborn, do not lay the baby into the bed of the older child.
• Especially carefully acting with kids up to 3 years, who have a very exacerbated feeling of its own space, they are difficult to carry its reduction.
• Noticing signs of jealousy, never compare your offspring, do not say that one of them is worse than the other. Use for positive and negative examples of cartoon characters, other children, fairy tale characters.

Parents do not need to compare children, otherwise it will put an end to their friendship

• Importantly convey to the firstborn the fact that the baby is helpless that he cannot do without you.
• Attract off to care for the baby, offering him to perform the simplest actions: bring a diaper, get a bottle, shake a rattle.
• Pay attention to the fact that a small "competitor" loves him, smiles at him.
• If an adult child manifests the initiative, trying to feed or change the diaper at the infant, do not scold him, encourage the impulses, explain how to do it right.

Dr. Komarovsky believes that in difficult cases, when an adult child is heavily jealous, it makes sense to contact the help of specialists. The famous pediatrician supports the recommendations of other doctors about pre-training Children to the appearance of a small little man in the family. In addition, Komarovsky does not deny psychotherapeutic treatment, if ordinary methods cannot cope with the situation.

Examples of situations and ways to solve

The analysis of frequently encountered situations will help inexperienced parents to properly build relationships between children. We have prepared examples for you and accompanied them with a detailed explanation:

• Failure to infer the crib. Right decision It will become an advance translation of the eldest bed 2-3 months before the infant appears. If you missed the situation, try to gently explain to the child that he has grown out of a small bed and you offer him a new beautiful bed, like mom and dad.

To highlight the baby's younger bed, you need to translate older in advance to your own

• Please feed the chest. If the child is a year and he still sucks the chest, the categorical failure will become a mistake. Explain the baby that my mother's milk is not so much, it may not be enough younger, offer a delicious alternative.
• It insists on the return of the baby in the hospital. Draw a verbal picture of how it will be good with a younger child, how they will play together, walk.
• Noise and loud talking during the sleeping younger. It is impossible to prohibit strictly, it should be suggested to play in conversations in a whisper. Remember that you are a child, game for him the best way Correct the desired. Tell us what when he slept, everyone also spoke in a whisper.
• Feeling abandonment. Attract the baby's care of other family members so that you can pay the time to the first child. Let dad go down with the baby to walk, and you play with the firstborn, read the book. Just 1.5-2 hours and your baby will feel again that he needed that he loved and remember him.

Negative towards the second child

In addition to general behavior, the child may exercise a negative reaction and in relation to the most infant. Consider frequent examples of jealousy:

• Makes painfully baby. Noticed that the eldest child offends the crumb - try not to leave them alone. Resorting to punishment, you can provoke more cruel treatment.

It is impossible to allow the elder child to offend the youngest

• Takes toys. Taking a toy from the second child, your firstborn wants to show his negative attitude towards him. Give a senior to correct the situation new toy, Say that he is already an adult for playing with rattles, go with him to the store and buy toys for him and younger child.
• Shows fatigue from classes with the baby. You can not force it to roll the stroller or engage with a crumb, not leaving free time for other games. When a baby sleeps, pay attention to an adult child so that he does not have a lack of parental love and participation.
• Walks with a sad expression of the face. If you notice that your adult child lasted from the moment the baby appears, it is worth alerting and take action. Such a mood can go to depression, so do not forget about him, pay attention, kiss, take on your arms, play, find the time so that he does not have a shortage of your attention.
• "Fits" in childhood. A very independent child suddenly begins to behave as he behaved in a year-two. He asks to take it on the handles, feed from the spoon, refuses to dress himself, goes to a cry. It should not go for him, but also to completely refuse requests. Watch out "Golden Mid": let the baby sit a little on your knees, read it a fairy tale for the night, laying sleeping, spoil the lullaby.

If the child is deliberately behaving like a small one, you do not need to rigid or punish it

How to distinguish jealousy from the children's crisis?

The inadequate behavior of the older kid at the appearance of a small family member does not always be due to jealousy. Remember the notorious crisis of three years, which write a lot and say child psychologists. Pediatricians designate several periods when the child comes the behavioral crisis: 1 year, 2 years, from 3 to 4 years (three-year crisis) (more in the article :). Stubbornness, endless whims, aggression, crying, care of yourself are signs of the age crisis in kids.

Recognize the reasons for such behavior will help a psychologist. Contact a specialist for advice and help. Taking into account the fact that professionals in child psychology believe that a child who has not passed the age crises is developing with failures. Flashes of bad mood and behavior indicate that the crumb is mastering the new stages of his life. Parting with the past, he is painfully going through growing up.

A special situation is going up when the family grows in the family. The crisis can overtake both children, then parents will have to be tight. The eldest and younger capricious, in the house Kavardak, children will scold, cry, do not obey, require increased attention. However, this is another problem that is not connected with a jealous attitude between your siblings, it must be just survived. Actually, this is a kind of rehearsal in front of a really difficult teenage crisis.

Children's weather can simultaneously enter the crisis, which is very hard for parents

If the kids have grown, and the relationship between them remain tense, the jealousy is still alive, teach them to cooperate with each other. Give them joint tasks and instructions, enter the rules in the family when the kids will ever have to do something together. Also, mark the norms of behavior in your small cell of society. For example, if you can't take other people's things, it is impossible to anyone. Rise up children on their own example of respect for the personal space of other family members.

Offer overall games and entertainment, combine their efforts to prepare for the holiday. Buy several board games for of different ages, go to the matinee to the youngest child with the eldest, and vice versa - lead the younger to watch competitions with the participation of the senior.

Become for your little treasures by the binding link, which is equally firmly connecting them. Give love to porovna, not highlighting one and without making another, be wise, fair and honest with children.

Discuss the jealousy of the older child to the youngest with other relatives. Warn grandparents about your actions and ask them to comply with the rules you have. Often because of the wrong attitude of other family members, the situation is more complicated and correcting it is much more difficult. The grandmother begins to regret the firstborn, which leads to the strengthening of his zealous perception of the younger child. Only from mom and dad depends the calm of the child and the family with the upcoming addition.

615

Parents who expect the baby's birth often worried about how his elder child will take it. Therefore, they pay attention to the issue of preparing for the birth of the younger. And they feed hopes for excellent relations who will be reacted by their children in the future. Happy smiles, Mom's joy, beautiful photo shoots, family idyll. What happens in life? Reality and important advice of the psychologist and mother of two children Elena Sadovnichenko.

More often than this would like, parents face the unpleasant behavior of the elder in relation to the newborn baby. We have to admit that sometimes everything is not as expected. Instead of idyll, there is a rather stressful situation. Periodically emerging incidents with the jealousy of the older to the younger - this new lifewhich parents have to withstand and somehow cope with it.

And even if in the incident with jealousy, they can smooth the peak of the conflict, then they are not always clear, and what to do next?

How much will it continue?

What words to find for the elder child to relax and not jealous?

For this you need to understand what is happening with all participants in the conflict of jealousy.

What happens to the older child?

As if parents, nor wishes for an older child of immense and unconditional love for the baby, sometimes they have to deal with disturbing, frightening manifestations of jealousy. As a rule, it is "strange" behavior, which is difficult to explain or covered (open) aggression.

An older child can be observed:

• Games in "Lyalechka" or behavior like a small child.
• Walking for mom on the heels and catching it everywhere.
• Refusal to obey mom when she has a baby on her hands.
• Refusal to help parents in what before that the child willingly participated.
• Tears, tears, tears ...
• Reasoning and suggestions how to get rid of the new child.
• Increased aggression in relation to all family members, in kindergarten, on the street.
• Tiki, enuresis, allergies, lips bite, nails, picking burr, sucking fingers.

The cause of all this set is a difficult-carrying stress by a child from separation with mom (parents) due to a new baby. Mom sees that something is happening with the eldest child, but sometimes she is unable to help him, except to hug and be alone with him for a while.

What happens to mom?

It takes on to the needs of the most defenseless and small person. BUT new baby, I myself do not know, gets up between mom and older child.

Mom notes how older child is different from the kid. And it sometimes involuntarily, unconsciously, sometimes there is permission to swear to the elder. Wait for his understanding and participation from both an adult.

Requirements for the elder child can suddenly increase, and it will be believed that he could realize that her mother is difficult. It would be good for him to obey the first time, to praise when the baby sleeps, do not climb with questions when mom feeds and tells the younger child. The tension increases, the elder does not want to participate or help, nor understand, and Mom often comes out of himself, breaks away on it.

In addition, mom can watch:

• Lower inclusion in the life of the older child.
• Fewer attention and quality of attention for him.
• More expectations and claims for it.
• Disappointed in the ways to achieve a relaxing situation in the family
• Increased anxiety against the behavior of jealousy from the elder.
• The desire to burn the kid from the older child.

Cause of all this set - overvoltage from new realityTo which mom is only to be adapted. Senior child feels changed motherly attitude towards him and can take it as a smaller value of himself for Mom. In most cases, older children are jealous of Mama to the baby.

Typical Behavior of the Reliability of the Elder Child

The behavior of the child can see not only by the fact that it behaves bad or inadequate. There are certain signs for which one can determine that the older child lacks closeness with mom.

Jealousy is a feeling that the child presented by the brain in order for him to change his behavior so that his mother noticed him. With jelly injections, all brain forces are thrown to hook the attention of moms. Get any encouragement or censure, create a situation in which mom will be forced to distract from the baby and contact the eldest child. This behavior is called "wishing and strive for proximity to mom at any cost." It occurs when the child faces the danger that he can stop loving, to love less when another child appeared.

And so that the elder child can take in the desire to get together with her mother.

Hide "I leave you at all! Stay with this child! " Shopping the door to the room, it sinks on trifles, does not solve conflicts, but sits in the room behind closed doors and removes everyone. Forces mom to explain, apologize, begging the child is not offended, etc.

Find contact "Mom, stay with me!", "Mom, have you done everything already? Mom, have you already finished? Mom, are you already free? " Lipnet, sticks, waits, controls. Mom gives itself as much as it can. And when she begins to break away from the impossibility of time to do everything, the child gets the necessary attention in shouts, breakdowns, Mom's curses on him. Well, that, that attention with a minus sign, but attention!

Sharply grow up "See what you already have big!" He catches approved actions and begins to do what he is not characteristic of age. For example, wash the dishes, clean in the apartment. Does not to learn, but for mom praise.

Sharply become small. The child begins to suck, like a small, intrusive, long, annoyingly. In order for the mother to pay attention and took on the handles, chatted, I picked up with him in response. Or ceases to do what has already been able to do before the birth of the baby. For example, it requires that it is fed from a spoon, and he does not have any one.

Himself "I am now nobody. No one else loves me. Why I need this "usually appears when the child has done something and cut off him. It can take a hard form when not words nor explanations to the child do not prove that he is valuable and they love it no less.

Exaggerate yourself. "I am a senior. Yes, if I want only. Yes, I can all. Yes, you still see who I am. The child puts the mask of greatness to get the desired approval from the parents. Prove to yourself and all that he is not empty place.

Mirror. The child begins to copy those whom mom and dad approve. Heroes, animals, other children. So he hides from jealousy and pain. Copying others, it seems to be approaching the ideal, which mother with dad is accurately accepted, sympathize with him (he heard it and knows exactly).

Search location. When a child looks into the eyes and says "Mommy, and what else to do for you? Do you want it? Do you want it? And let me bring you this? " And Mom agrees. So the child suggests approval and praise.

All these reactions of the child are activated by parents to devote at least some attention to him. This behavior is in order to induce another to respond to him. Because it is not possible to respond. A child's brain is a simple logic: to love me, you need to do one of these actions (described above) and then they will notice and start to love.

Such reactions can be fixed in the nature of the child if it used them for too long to pay attention to mom (parents). What do you need to do parents so that the elder child does not resort to the use of this behavior?

Careful solutions to the problems of the riosity of the older child

Remember that the elder child became the eldest only in the family hierarchy. It did not add responsibility or care automatically. This is necessary to teach it with regard to his age and maturity.

Minimum changes in the life of the older child. It means that you need to leave everything, as it was in rituals and communication with the elders. The same plans, the same Sunday dinners, the same campaigns with dad, etc. Life for him should not sharply share "to the baby" and "after the kid".

factory talk about the time of the fact that mom is busy. On the time of what is too noisy. On the very time that the baby is paying more attention and admiration.

Watch children to each other. "Look, what a baby's eye is like you!", "I so want our baby to be the same cool, like you," "I'm sure the baby would like to tell you that he was lucky to be born in the family with such a brother like you ", etc.

Giving hold, sniff, hug, dress up, bathe, Watering a driver, learn something.

Do not insist that the baby is all obliged to love. Love does not tolerate the imperative inclination. This elder child decides for himself.

To allotte every day time exclusively for older Child. The most easily read overnight.

Alert the older child in desire contact with mom. When you see that you have 1 minute of time, go to squeeze the elder when it does not expect from you. Not every time, not all the time. But sometimes!

Suddenly arrange senior Walking with EntertainmentSo that he does not know what will happen now, which will be now. For you it can be burdensome. But remember about the conversation about the time of what is happening. It will need to do not all the time.

Stay with elder child. Speak, silent, laugh, fool.

Mom is busy connect the Pope, grandmother and those in access. But do not reassign all the concern about the older child to someone for a long time. This is not a way out.

Play games, losing the emotions of the child. Chase, persecution, hide and seek, lost children, animals, ambush, monsters attack. And in each of them, the end of one contact with her mother, which caught up, found, saved.

Please be seduced compare children. Recognize the existence of negative feelings and actions as well as positive.

Good therapeutic fairy tales On the topic of jealousy.

Do not say that you love your children equally! Everyone wants to love him in a special, not like others. "You are the only world of Sasha's son in the whole. You are the only peace of my daughter Masha. No one can take your place! "

Do all this with love and respect for the dignity of the child. Remember that the elder child cannot fully control his behavior of jealousy. Jealousy happens to him. This is an unplanned feeling and behavior based on it.

One of the main and vivid reactions of the older child for the birth of a brother or sister is jealousy. Sociologist Davis has defined jealousy as a reaction of fear and anger, serving to protect, preserve and extend love. This short and accurate definition gives us the right landmark for understanding the children's jealousy, the problem, the occurrence of which many parents fear. It seems to many more than the source of the subsequent hostility of Siblingov, and the eradication of jealousy (preferably before it occurs) becomes a paramount task. Lack of children of children. Some parents consider the quality mark of their family, a consequence of their pedagogical skills. To this altar, there is a lot, starting with the most coarse methods (strict prohibitions on the expression of hostility, punishment for the manifestation of jealousy) and ending with a sophisticated psychological manipulation that is difficult to describe and which often goes into the course unconsciously.

Jealousy is normal, though the unpleasant, senior child's sense in response to the appearance of a competitor for the attention of parents. Caring for offspring in the sense in which we understand it, relatively recent cultural acquisition of a person. Many representatives of the animal of the world are directly competing for parents' care and survives the strongest, which does not bother parents. Human youngsters are also equipped with a mechanism for competitive Sibling, which is based on a certain hostility to the one who seeks to take place on the knees of the mother, although in the modern world of children, as a rule, there is no need to deal with their physical survival. However, jealousy and hostility to the one who pulls the attention of parents is laid in nature in nature.

Jealousy is a comprehensive experience, which at each specific moment manifests itself in different emotional states of the child. Some parents do not identify the complex problems of jealousy, but notice how a child is angry, offended by the mother when she is busy with the baby.

What is jealousy

Helplessness

The child feels militant and unable to change the situation. Loss of attention and love of the key figure historically meant for a young opportunity of death or other serious trouble. The feeling of helplessness, loss of control over an important figure (parent), the loss of imaginary power over it is one of the painful experiences of jealousy.

Fear

The child seriously frightened the perspective of the loss of love of mother and father, he fears that he does not like it or love less

Anger

A child may be angry with the younger, who took the attention of parents and on parents who betrayed him.

Envy

The eldest child envies the youngest, because of his attention, privileges.

Offense

The child is offended by what they in some sense neglected in favor of the opponent.

Feeling inferiority

Reducing the number of parental attention can be perceived by the child as a result his insufficient attractiveness for parents. Awareness of its insufficient attractiveness for close people form a sense of inferiority.

Some parents expect to conduct a competent psychological training of a child, it can be protected from unpleasant experiences of jealousy. Most likely it is an illusion, unsafe ultimately for the child himself. It is difficult to imagine a child who has not experienced a single jelly injection when a serious competitor appears in the house for the attention of the mother. Children are jealous, because they love. But it is not so difficult to imagine a child, in no way showing his jealousy, it is a frequent occasion. In such cases, often we are talking About banning on emotions from parents, then the child learns not to exercise, and subsequently not to notice his own feelings.

One of the cases of hidden, distorted jealousy is, oddly enough excessive love for younger Siblin.

7 Summer Andryusha had a brother. From the very first days, Andrei showed great attachment to him, and straight - the fanatical enthusiasm of the newborn. Andryusha rushed to rock the brother, soothe, squeezed in his arms, admired them and admired. Mother proudly reported familiar that the eldest not only does not jealous parents to the younger, but literally stronger parents admire the baby. Andryusha, however, became much more capricious, emotionally unstable, often cried without a visible reason, began to complain about pain in his stomach. The doctor, to whom they applied, parents advised them to pay attention to the emotional state of the boy, determining his pain as neurotic.

In the situation described, the eldest child intuitively found a way to keep the attention and approval of parents, having assumed the role of the "best brother in the world." Subconsciously, he perceived the signals of the parents prohibiting him any hostile actions or words to the small one. To keep parental love, he chose his role.

Such a situation may be fraught:

- Emotional instability. The child makes constant unconscious efforts to keep his shadow part (hostility to younger) in the ultrasound. The overloaded mental apparatus can react to this with a decrease in the possibility of emotional regulation. As a result, the child becomes improved by plaqueial, closed, aggressive or touchy.

- psychosomatic response of the body. Exhausted opportunities to openly express part of their emotions The body can declare inner pain through the physical symptom. The very disease itself may draw a hidden benefit for the child, as it attracts important adults, causes much attention, sympathy, the inclusion of parents into the life of a child.

- influence on the development of man's attitudes and personality. A person, confident that he can reject him for the negative emotions, which he is experiencing, grows, learning to hide, and subsequently do not feel these emotions ("Why need negative emotions"). This may entail a variety of consequences for personality (emotional stupidity, lack of control over emotions, a feeling of chronic inferiority, the fear of being himself).

The jealousy of Siblingov is not hazarded by itself, it is just a part of life associated with negative experiences. The role of parents is more likely to teach children to handle heavy feelings, and not to strike them out of life.

What to do if the child is jealous

1. Normalize the situation.

Explain to the child that jealousy is a normal experience under certain circumstances and many children in his place would experience something similar.

Teach to express negative feelings in a non-clean form.

Spend a clear boundary between the right of a person for any feelings and its right to devastating actions. If we recognize the negative feelings of the child, it does not mean that we must allow cruel actions that occur as a result of these feelings.

Do not allow the child to speak and do what he will do for the reason that he is experiencing. Rough words, gestures and the more manual design in relation to parents or baby must remain under the ban. It is advisable to inform the child that you can find a form to express the most sad feelings, not insulting the rest and not breaking the rules of the house. Be sure to offer him specific words to express heavy experiences ( "It happens to me that when I stay alone," I'm angry when I have to wait long, "" When I see how you nurse you, I want to blow it all). It is unproductive to wait that the necessary words for the expression of negative emotions will appear in the child by themselves only because you have reported to him that politeness needs to be observed.

2. Look for solutions together.

The old lifestyle will not return, but in the new lifestyle you need to create new events from which the child could emotionally eat. Attract the child to planning what could be done together to feel the proximity and love of each other. Maybe he wants to play with you in a board game or simply dream about the upcoming vacation. Ask the child a question about it.

3. Learn with the child ways to improve the mood.

Few adults are consciously suitable for changing their own unwanted moods. Nevertheless, it is possible, and this can also be learn and teach children. In the process of such training, you will give the child the necessary knowledge to improve his moods and wake together.

4. Pay attention to the positive feelings in the life of the child.

Many parents, wanting to use the active hearing method, take and reflect the feelings of the child focus their attention solely on negative states, which is likely to lead to their increase in the emotional life of the child (as a result of increased attention). Reflecting feelings, it is necessary to equal, if not more concentrated on positive experiences (joy, excitement, anticipation, satisfaction).

Traffic back

In connection with the birth of the younger senior child in some cases rolled back in his skills and behavior on earlier stages of development, as it should become a baby again.

This may be due to both the direct imitation of the behavior of the baby, playing its role, and with an unsighted decrease in the overall level of the child's development due to life stress.

The girl is 8 years old, began to regularly suck the nipple and asked to leave the nipple on the night to better sleep (imitation of the behavior of kids).

The boy is 3 years old, about a year who uses the pot, began to periodically make "misses", not having time to walk to the pot (unsighted reduction in the level of control at relatively "young" skill of using a pot)

The boy of 4 years began to demonstratively inaccurately, sinking on the table food and outraged by what was scolded for it, and there is no little brother (intentional imitation of the behavior of the baby).

Roll back is a temporary phenomenon that often accompanies the adaptation of the child to a change in family composition.

When natural reducing the level of ownership by some skill, parents need to simply gain patience, the skill will soon be restored.

When intentional imitation child behavior baby, Parents need to respond to it, as a veiled question about the procedure of things and explain to the child why you are presented to him certain requirements. One of the source of the suffering of the older child is that the little one constantly does what he, older, scold.

"Rought up the character"

Many parents are afraid that the elder child will show open aggressiveness for younger child As a result of jealousy. But it should be noted that the situation with open aggression is not so bad at all. An open manifestation is always easier to deal, because you know for sure that the child is on the mind and can adequately react to it. This is also a sign that the child feels free enough, and I am sure that he will not be rejected for negative emotions. You can adjust aggressive actions and support the child if necessary.

When a child tells you: "I carry the back of this cry!" - You can accurately understand what happens to him. A more disturbing moment when direct instructions on what the child feels is not.

Sometimes it seems that the child is not worried. However, you should be attentive if the child begins to root often, closes in itself or his behavior deteriorates sharply. The reason for this can also serve the experience in relation to the younger child.

Behavioral problems can manifest themselves in different ways: nonlands with peers, increased aggressiveness, susceptibility, problems with study, stubbornness, negativism, foul language. All this apparently may not be connected with the appearance of the second child, just relate to this event in time.

For behavioral problems, parents better react constructively, teaching the child with the necessary skills. We take into account the fact that the behavior has changed in response to the emergence of the second child and probably serves, among other things, bringing parents to the child's life. Nevertheless, the nature of violations in behavior, as a rule, indicates the so-called "subtle place" in the nature of the child, shows the parents that it is in this area that the child is missing. And you should not hope that only giving a child more attention, you will certainly fix his behavior.

It is necessary to give your attention, of course, but this attention should be meaningful. If a child is experiencing difficulties in the team - learn it to communicate, too aggressive, learn to control yourself and solve conflicts, too shy - learn to be bolder.

How to support the senior

1. Create environmental niches for inviolable senior toys. The child must have secret places in which he can store those things that it personally, and are not intended for the baby. It is necessary not only to recognize the rights of a child to such property, but also to ensure safe places for such things as well as you would have done with your valuable things.

Parents are better to relate to relate to the fact that the eldest child reacts painfully by encroachment on his property from the younger. This does not speak of bad trends in the character of the elder, and even more so does not foreshadow the tense relations of children in the future. This is a natural child reaction preschool age On the violation of those rules and laws to which he is used to and which he is inspired daily. The fact that the baby is nerazumen, as a rule, can not be a serious basis for the older to relate to him loyally.

2. Support a special emotional connection with the eldest child.

IN early age The younger child still does not suffer from jealousy as the elder, he was never the only one and is not aware of competition. That is why, at first, it is most important to provide support to the eldest.

Some ideas for strengthening emotional communications with the eldest child:

• Give your child personal items (dishes or clothes with initials)
• Preparing something special for him, it can be a simple dish that the child likes and is conspicuous for him.
• Highlight a special time for daily contacts TET-A-TET. It can be quite a short time, but it will be a special island, where you are 100% contact with the child.
• Keep and maintain special traditions and rituals with a senior child. Also support pleasant memories, returning to the episodes of the past, when you were happy with the child.

3. If possible, purchase new things for the second child, do not require the senior to break up with toys, clothing or household items in favor of the small one. Often, the eldest child quietly gives his things, and you naturally can offer him to do it. But, if the child resists, do not insist for victims, especially at first. Child younger age It often identifies himself with his own things, it is difficult for him to part with them.

If the financial circumstances of the family do not allow new purchases. Try to save at least some things or toys, especially the dear heart of the older child.

4. Give you a younger child your own diminution affectionate names. Affectionate home name you call a child becomes a relative to him and he inspired to hear that someone else is called the same.

5. Do not try to level children.

Need to keep contact with the elder child on more high level. Tactics of the equalization, when parents try to divide everything equally: two absolutely identical blades, smooth pieces of pie, sooner or later poured parents to a dead end. Children have different needs, character, they are different ages. So, behavior with them should be unequal. However, the children's requirements of full equality can provoke parents to try to thoroughly divide equally all that children get in the family. Tactically, such practices, of course, are possible winnings - children are not scandaling due to the unequal distribution of goods. But the constant desire to divide all the benefits between children equally generates increased vigilance in children to this account, that is, ultimately only aggravates the situation. It is better to immediately focus the children that in the family of good are distributed as a whole fair, but not absolutely the same.

6. Protect the older child

Consorbly, parents defend, of course, the younger of the aggression of the elder. And if the junior aggressor is, the senior is invited not to be offended by the baby, be smarter. However, it makes sense to demonstrate the eldest that you are ready to protect it.

Even if the resentment caused by the eldest was unconscious, if such an opportunity is available, protect the elder. For example, if the kid pulls the older child by hair, stop the action, protecting the child. Do not blame the older child for the resentment in a similar case, just let him understand that you are ready to help him cope.

7. Thank Senior for your help and emphasize its special position in the family.

It is important for the child to conside that he is an important person and represents something. During the period from 3 to 6 years, the child appears the need for people's respect and accepting its value. As one girl was touchingly expressed in conversation with mom: "When you are advised to me, I understand that I somebody».

8. Clear high-quality attention to the eldest child.

In the conditions of a shortage of time on classes with an elder child, it becomes quality of contacts with him. Having spent time with a child, try not to be distracted by phone, computer, conversations with other people and not to go into your thoughts. Be really next to.

High-quality contact with the child, even short-term, is much more nutritious for both than even even longer, but superficial communication when you are parallel to communicate in social networks or watching TV.

© Elizabeth Filonenko

"Parenting a child from 1 to 3 years: reboot continues" - a book for parents of preschoolers