I am a girl and I am 25 years old.

My mom gave birth to me at the age of 20. She was still quite young, she wanted to live, but there was a feeling that I was interfering with this. She loved to sleep, and if in the morning someone woke her up, she was very irritable. I usually got up very quietly, afraid to wake her up, because when she woke up, she would scream for two hours, or even punish.

When I was 6 years old, my little sister was born, but despite this, after a while she and her father divorced. They left me with my father, my mother, with younger sister moved to the village and remarried.

My father allowed me to live with my grandmother (or maybe he just fused it), who lived on the floor below.

The whole academic year I lived with my grandmother, and during the holidays I went to my mother, but my mother was always cold (I still don’t understand why my grandmother sent me to her, thereby aggravating the childhood trauma). Whatever I said, it was wrong and stupid, not to mention hugging or kissing me.

Over time, my father became addicted to alcohol, in each of his drunks, he did not miss the opportunity to mention that my mother left me, which is actually not surprising, because she always tried to get rid of me.

I always hoped that he was deceiving me, because he was in pain, he was still alone. Can't a mom want to get rid of her baby?

But, feeling my mother’s coldness, I began to understand that they didn’t love me, and as usual with children, to blame my younger sister for this, although now I only understand that she is not to blame. But then, childish jealousy did its job, and my sister also does not really burn with love for me. The only one who really loves me is my brother, my mother's son from another man.

At the same time, I was always jealous of their relationship, I watched my mother play with both of them, kiss, do everything that a normal mother does with her children. She never played with me like that.

Now I understand that my father was right, she never wanted me, as if I did not exist for her. It was hard for me to grow up without a mother all these years, and who would not be hard? I was never able to muster up the strength and talk to her about it. Everything was not the right moment. And now it makes no sense. I learned not to look for her and live without a mother.

How is this even possible? How can a mother love children in different ways? Do they not write in all books that the mother's heart is infinite and there is a place in it for each of her children? I understand that this childhood psychological trauma prevents me from living now, but I do not know how to behave.

Stop communicating with your mother? Help, advise?

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Such girls then make the same mistakes in relationships, without realizing the reason. That's why, please watch what you tell your kids!

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"Mom doesn't love me!"

Daughters who grew up with the knowledge that they are not loved emotional wounds remain, which largely determine their future relationships and how they build their lives.

Most importantly, the daughter's need for maternal love does not disappear even after she realizes it's impossible.

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This need continues to live in her heart, along with the terrible realization that only person, who must love her unconditionally, just because she is in the world, does not. It sometimes takes a lifetime to deal with this feeling.

What is fraught with mother's dislike?

The saddest thing is that sometimes, having already matured, girls do not know the reason for their failures and believe that they themselves are to blame for all the problems.

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1. Lack of self-confidence

Unloved daughters of unloving mothers don't know they are worthy of attention, there was no feeling in their memory that they were loved at all.

The girl could grow up, getting used day after day only to the fact that she was not heard, ignored, or, even worse, she was closely watched and criticized at every step.

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Even if she has obvious talents and achievements, they don't give her confidence. Even if she has a soft and docile nature, she continues to sound in her head the mother's voice, which she perceives as her own,- she is a bad daughter, ungrateful, she does everything out of spite, "who has grown into, others have children like children" ...

Many already in adulthood say that they have the feeling that they are “deceiving people” and that their talents and character are fraught with some kind of flaw.

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2. Lack of trust in people

It always seemed strange to me why someone wants to be friends with me, I began to think if there was some kind of benefit behind this.

Such thoughts arise from a general sense of the insecurity of the world., which is experienced by a girl whose mother sometimes brings her closer to herself, then pushes her away.

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She will continue to require constant confirmation that feelings and relationships can be trusted, that the next day she will not be pushed away.

And as adults, they crave emotional storms, ups and downs, breaks and sweet reconciliations. Real love for them it is an obsession, an all-consuming passion, witchcraft, jealousy and tears.

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Calm trusting relationships seem to them either unrealistic(they just can't believe it happens) or boring. A simple, non-"demonic" man, most likely, will not attract their attention.

3. Difficulties in defending their own boundaries

Many of those who grew up in an environment of cold indifference or constant criticism and unpredictability say that they constantly felt the need for motherly affection, but at the same time they realized that they did not know any of the ways to get it.

That which elicited a favorable smile today may be rejected tomorrow with irritation.

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And already as adults, they continue to look for a way to appease partners or friends, to avoid repeating that motherly coldness at any cost.

In addition to the difficulty of establishing healthy boundaries with the opposite sex, daughters of unloving mothers often have problems with friendships.

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4. Avoidance as a defensive reaction and as a life strategy

A girl who felt maternal dislike in childhood, somewhere in the depths of her soul feels fear: “I don’t want to be offended again.”

For her, the world is made up of potentially dangerous men., among which in some unknown way you need to find your own.

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6. Excessive sensitivity, "thin skin"

Also, it is difficult for daughters so unloved in childhood to cope with their emotions, after all, they did not have the experience of unconditional acceptance of their value, which allows them to stand firmly on their feet.

7. Search for maternal relationships in relationships with men

We're attached to what we know which is part of our childhood, no matter what it falls to us.

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It was only years later that I realized that my husband treated me the same way as my mother, and I myself chose him. Even the first words that he said to me to get to know each other were: “You yourself came up with this way to knit this scarf? Take it off. " Then it seemed to me very funny and original.

Why are we talking about this now, when we have already grown up?

Not to throw in despair those cards that fate has dealt us. Everyone has their own.

And in order to understand how we act and why. And in relation to their children as well.

Prepared by Maria Malygina

Not every mom can give love. This happens not because she really does not like it, but because ... Why this happens and what to do about it - read the article.

Whatever request the client comes to therapy with, sooner or later, the figure of the mother appears in his request. It is to her that most of all feelings are turned. It is from her that you most want love. But, not every mother can give love... This is not because she really doesn’t love, but because ...

What prevents a mother from loving her daughter and how can this be changed?

There are various reasons for this "because", for example, the characteristics of the character of the mother, the story of her life. If a mother has lost someone she loved very much, she can forever close her heart to love, protecting him from pain.

Influences the mother's behavior and her parenting model. For example, if a woman was brought up by a cold mother, she will be cold in relation to her own child.

Mom can be in family weaves and perceive herself as not a mom., but, for example, the younger sister of her daughter or even her child.

There may be other reasons for mom's coldness, there are a lot of them ...

Many clients dream of their mom coming to therapy and miraculously changing. However, in practice, this happens very rarely.

Once one of my clients, twenty-seven-year-old Valya, came to the constellations with her mother. Mom became "curious" to participate in this form of group work, to see "what it is and how it works."

In addition to visiting a psychologist, Valya reads a lot of psychological literature, trying to understand herself and her relationship with her mother. In her words, mom demands a lot, NEVER praises, notices ONLY shortcomings, it is IMPOSSIBLE to imagine mom as warm, embracing, giving. Mom works as a teacher, she has always given and continues to give a lot of time and energy to other children, helps anyone. ANYONE, but not her, her only daughter.

- How I want my mother to change. She said that she was ashamed, she regretted her coldness. And, if we returned to the past, everything would be different. She would take the little one on her arms, hug her, shake her, whispering in her ear that I am the most beautiful, intelligent, good, beloved, the most dear mother's girl.

And so Mom came to the constellations ... I will call her so - Mom with a capital letter. She turned out to be a slender, young and sensitive woman. Mom watched her daughter's constellation, and then participated in the roles of substitutes in two other constellations. Both times she had to replace women who had lost contact with their mothers. Connecting with the fate of women unknown to her, Mom mourned her own fate, surprisingly similar to those that she was asked to live.

And then Mom wanted to come for an individual consultation.

- I know that I am a cold mother, I really love my girl, but my tongue doesn’t turn to tell her something good, my hands drop when I want to hug her. I want to change this.

Most close connection Mom ended up with her maternal ancestors. She was even named after her grandmother - mother's mother. Mom told horror stories about his grandmother, who was given in marriage to a very young girl, the groom was almost thirty years older. The bride's father stood behind her with a whip, the girl did not want to marry the "old man". Even the fact that the groom has a mill and a strong household did not make her happy.

The young wife "accidentally" crushed the first daughter, a baby, in a dream, the second one was "unsuccessfully" dropped to the floor during feeding, the mother of our Mother was born in a field and "forgotten" under a bush. True, the father quickly found the child and brought the girl into the house. The grandmother had to come to terms with the appearance of her daughter, and then twelve more children were born.

After the revolution, grandmother and grandfather were dispossessed and exiled from the center of Russia to the far north, however, on the way the paper came, allowing them to return to their former place of residence. It turns out that fellow villagers were concerned about the family, both grandfather and grandmother were very kind to the people living nearby, they never refused anything to their neighbors.

- Your desire to help everyone around, isn't it from there, isn't it from this story? It turns out that the grandmother's family was saved thanks to the help of fellow villagers?

- I never thought about it that way. I agree with your suggestion. It looks like it is. As if some kind of force makes me help everyone around, as if someone is whispering: "You cannot survive without this."

Then Mom tells about her mother, who loved one guy, and for some reason married another.

Kind words towards my husband - I have never heard from her to my father. “You don't sit like this, you don't you say, you do not what you do, ”and so on. Constant dissatisfaction with both him and me. And kindness to others, everyone loves her. At first, my mother could not give birth to a child, several pregnancies ended in miscarriages. Then a girl was born, lived for several hours and died. When my mother got pregnant with me, she wanted to have an abortion. Father recognized and in last moment dragged her away from the healer, to whom she turned for help. And after my mother's death, I found her letter enclosed in a book addressed to my father, in which it was written: "I could not love our daughter." Until now, this is one of my most painful memories.

Mama had tears in her eyes, she began to look very, very much like her daughter - Valyusha. Both women, the younger and the older, seemed to have united in their despair, their dislike for their mother.

No matter how old we are, there is always a “little girl” inside us who desperately needs mother's love and, in recognition of the fact that she is loved just like that, for the fact that she exists.

When there is a caring and loving mother in our life, at first she is the support of the external, that is, a person you can rely on, trust him, get support. Over time, this external support becomes internal, we learn to take care of ourselves qualitatively as well as being a good mother for your children.

Both Valya and Mom have to go through a difficult path in accepting themselves and the woman who gave life, that is, mom, only after that it will become easy to show love for your child.

Olga Milashina

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P.S. And remember, just by changing our consumption - together we are changing the world! © econet

Expensive adult girls, and Have you ever wondered how you feel about your mothers and what words you say to them? Here I am, a mother who immensely loved her daughter, pampered, kissed, took all the affairs on herself and what did I get? Now I also continue to clean, wash, cook, and not only for an adult daughter who knows only her job, but also for I can't live without my girls! But I am to blame for everything, no matter what happens. I can't hear from my daughter affectionate words, but only orders. The granddaughter communicates well with me when mom is not at home, but if mom is at home, she starts to say bad words at me, push, beat me (she is still small), apparently to please mom. Mom, of course, immediately blames me. , which means I myself said something wrong and did something to the child. And this is all in the presence of the girl! She is raising a chameleon who will continue to adapt to circumstances. It is very disappointing and hard to live like this. At the same time, I have heard from my daughter more than once that I am needed while the granddaughter is little, and then "you will live alone in old age." only this I heard ... Of course, after this I am no longer an angel either, I can say something in response. We tried to find out the relationship with our daughter once and for all, to leave all the bad things in the past, but, unfortunately, nothing happens ... This is how we live.

My mother is generally inadequate. Sometimes I think that something is wrong with her head. Sometimes she plagued her simply because she was bored. She has fun, humiliating her daughter. God forbid to come to this with your daughter. She herself is not needed by anyone and did not take place. Even I don't need it now since I realized that she never loved me.

No. It's impossible to forgive. My realization of dislike came at the age of 26. Until this year of my life, I forgave her everything. At the age of 26, something happened in my life. And she turned away. Most close person took and turned away from me when I needed help. Then she realized that she was not needed at all in her life. And generally unloved. My brother has always been a favorite. Right now I'm 35 years old. I am very angry with her. For all. We live in different cities. I call her for a mark once every 2 months. And hearing how she loves me and misses me very much that it would be nice to be around (there was more than one - everything was as usual - humiliation of insults), I just grinned at these words to her. I don’t smile and I’m glad that she loves me, but I LAUGH.
Because now I don't believe. For me, these are empty words. And yes, I need to prove love by deeds, and not by words about it. I even forbid my husband to just tell me that he loves me! Like this! Well, that you are ready to forgive and believe, long years after the REALIZATION of dislike, that your mother, it turns out, has loved you all her life and did it for your own good ?! Unlikely.

but what if my mother still does not accept. I am 43g of insults, humiliation, constant insults and claims, how much money do not give, whatever you do, everything is small and bad. I don't like it anymore, but I can't stop communicating can- mom has grown old and relations with everyone are ruined. I call, I go, I beg your pardon, another heavy "slap in the face", after that I scream a little child, my husband, and so on in an endless circle.

no need to ask for forgiveness if you are not to blame .. to ask for forgiveness from a mother who does not love you means giving her a sense of power over you. Don't apologize without guilt .. don't

Complex topic... I know how many unloved daughters there are in the world. Many friends have shared with me. I myself am in the same position, except for the childhood years when there was a father in the family. Then he went to a younger and more attractive one. Finally, accusing my mother of treason. It doesn't matter whether they were or not. But it was me, my fathered daughter, who had to pay for the offense. If she had not given birth to me, then my husband would not have left. She herself considers herself the best. The culprit for the gap in her eyes was me, an eleven-year-old girl. The attitude towards me immediately changed. Constant screams, insults by swear words, everything is not so - I stand, walk, hold my hands, siotryu ... Every day, abuse and even beatings. Over time, this attitude changed to a constant demand for money, leveling my success and constant slander to others. It was necessary to maintain the image of the "enemy" in the family. Making excuses to everyone is a waste of time.
Despite the difficulties, I believe that I have succeeded in life. True, I had to go to a psychologist. Caring for my mother 11 (eleven) years after strokes. I try to forgive, but I can't. With age, I realized her cruelty. And a person, despite illness and helplessness, does not change. Claims and swearing have not gone anywhere

My mother loved only my brother, and I am the eldest "somehow". My demand was different, I was brought up with a "whip". Now I'm 37. I'm successful, wealthy woman, my brother is 30 years old helpless man with a life that did not work out. I have forgiven my mother long ago. I love her very much and am grateful that I have her - alive and healthy. But I am not at all affectionate, I understand this and cannot remake myself, it is imbued in me. Dear mothers, love your children, but in moderation.

My mother, too, when I was small, was constantly unhappy with me, constantly mad if I did everything the way I wanted ... Many years later, I understood why she behaved this way, because in childhood she could not even say her opinion, because she always did what her older sisters and brothers told her and she did not dare to disobey.
And as for the fact that this may be reflected in the future, I believe that it depends on the person himself, because everyone builds his own life, he is the master of his life. We must forgive and let go, because it’s not in vain that they say that the humpbacked grave will fix it. And most importantly, stop blaming, you have to live in the present.
Now, my mom and I have a great relationship. I forgave her because I understood why such an attitude was towards me.

My mother loved only my older sister. She closed me and went with her sister for a walk. When I learned to walk, out of thirst I found a can of kerosene and drank it. Always, all my life, I wanted her to love me. As a child, I brought her any tasty treat. This is a trauma for life. Sister, selfish, favorite. The most offensive thing is that I often heard from her that she and her sister climbed under the train, but I stayed on the other side, the train moved off. Mom told me that if I climbed after them, it would cut me open. She told this laughing. Apparently a guardian angel. when she died, I helped wash her and told her - I FORGIVE YOU.

I support Miroslava - it will forever remain: “you didn’t deserve”, “you are the worst, others have children, and why are you like that?” I understood old age, but I was almost old by that time, and I no longer need to. It just hurts without stopping. Mom-mommy, where have you been all my life ...

Everything is right. Mother's dislike is a curse that haunts you all your life. And it's not about self-realization in professional activity, but about finding your love. When, even realizing that love is a given, you still try to earn it. Because you cannot do otherwise, because you have been told all your life that you are not loved for this, that and that. You were taught from childhood to deserve love and not someone there, but the person whose love is a matter of course, a given, not a merit. Problems in personal life are a consequence of my mother's dislike. And this is natural, because if you are not loved by the most native person- Mom, who will love you at all? ..

I appeal to adults, disliked and unhappy daughters! Or maybe you need to ask yourself: “To what extent am I able to give warmth and love to a mother? Don't I overestimate the demands on her? ”After all, she is a simple woman, with her pluses and minuses, joys and problems, with a developed or not very good ability to express her feelings. Who needs this picking in the relationship with the mother? With an emphasis on accusing her and selfless reveling with the theme: "Doesn't my mother love me?" Try to build great relationships with your children. I think that you are confident that you can do it. What do they think of this relationship? Adult daughters! Be Wise and truly adults!

All that can be done is to understand that the way you imagined an ideal family there = your personal idealization. Why do you insist on it, especially as an adult?
You have seen cases of such treatment, or drunkenness in the family, or when one everything to the child, and to another, nothing!
Say: "This also happens! And not just one!" Your idealization (created by you), not based on anything, has collapsed. You see that reality does NOT coincide with your expectations, but you insist on your own. WHY ???
They took into account that this also happens, they said: "all people are different, I allow them to behave as they see fit or right, depending on their moral attitudes."
As long as you rush about with your experiences like this, and also build internal dialogues with such people, it will be so.
They behaved like that, and what do you have to do with it?
You won't solve the problem anyway. However, you can forgive. How is it? Yes, simply recognize the right of others to lead as they want.
We can say that we can set a time frame for correcting the situation. No? So no. Everything, there is nothing to discuss. You will not change the other in any way.

Yes, Zoritsa, of course, all people are different and have the right to behave as they see fit. But in in this case we are talking about the behavior of the mother - and in fact it, this behavior, forms the personality of her child. And no matter how much later this grown-up child does auto-training, no matter how much he understands and forgives his mother, no matter how much he cultivates confidence in himself, all the same huge complexes from childhood, only driven deep and far, will remain for life, breaking it ... Therefore, of course, it is necessary to “let go” of all past grievances, but at the same time it is necessary to realize that nothing can be corrected, by and large. Under the condition of constant work on oneself, one can only more or less successfully pretend that "everything is fine, beautiful marquise" ...

And even as a child, I was able to say to myself: "It's not me that is bad, but you! ..." And I stopped paying attention to criticism from my mother ... let him speak! Otherwise I would just go crazy! I did what I thought was necessary and did the right thing! Yes, what would happen to me if I listened to all the criticism addressed to me and took it to heart? I am now very adult, but now every time I meet my mother, yes, she will “fulfill” something. And already as an adult I often ask myself the question: "What did I do wrong in childhood?" She studied well at school, graduated from the institute and got a profession, at work she was always in good standing ... What's wrong? The mystery of the human soul.

If I didn’t pay attention, I wouldn’t ask myself a question about what was done wrong? .. Usually those who have all the software live like this - all the software. And what did he do wrong there and for someone, everything is software. And so you simply assure yourself that everything is buzzing with you, you do not feel it, but assure. You have had everything, have it and, for sure, it will be good, why is she still not happy with you and finally does not love you in any way and rejoice with you in your success ?! Yes, what's wrong? Damn it!

As they say, the humpbacked grave will fix it. I have for all my actions, I hear only words of condemnation from my mother. And I'm 43 years old. I told her that I will no longer share and tell her anything. Did not help. Therefore, I constantly argue with her, defending my point of view. I'm tired of it. I just try to communicate with her less often, to take care of myself.

my mother never loved me, although I am an only child .. unfortunately I realized it too late .. at 35 .. in fact I understood a long time ago, took 35 years for granted .. it's very hard to understand that your mother does not love you .. who didn’t pass - will NOT understand .. at the moment I’m 48 and for every phrase my mother will always find a negative answer up to insults, if she didn’t find other words .. besides, she envies how I live and work so much that she doesn’t wishes my family prosperity .. she believes that it is better, more beautiful and worthy of the life that I have .. when I buy myself (husband or daughter) products, things or shoes - she criticizes everything .. but then I find a sweater or jacket hanging out of place or trousers with a stain .. she always tried to wear my shoes until I stopped buying shoes with low heels .. she can't wear a stiletto heel .. when I cook, she criticizes how I cook and does not eat .. but at night we caught her on the fact of eating from a frying pan .. sets his father against me and now he also does not eat cooked by me food .. by the way - we live with my parents and my husband realized that my mother does not love me, before me .. at first he was tactfully silent, and lately he has to protect me from the attacks of my own mother .. how to let it go? ?? how to forgive this ???