This article is not the truth in the first instance, an unshakable set of rules and laws. It only "sheds light" on the existing problem. The author of the article is well aware that each case is unique and there are no two completely identical situations, but only similar ones.

guilty child

Growing up in a really [mentally] healthy family is the real luck of luck.

Robin Skinner

Almost everyone has experienced guilt at least once. Despite the negative feelings that accompany guilt, it can be safely called an indicator of a person’s mental health, since this emotion is not capable of being experienced by mentally ill people, for example, those suffering from schizophrenia.

Guilt is an important emotion that helps a person adapt to society from early childhood. According to some experts, guilt arises already in the first months of life (according to M. Klein) or even is innate (according to J. Lacan).

As for the classical psychoanalytic view, Z. Freud attributed the feeling of guilt to that part of the "mental apparatus", which he called the "Super-I" and considered this emotion the foundation of human conscience.

Guilt can be conditionally divided into conscious - the causes of which we are aware of and unconscious - the causes of which are unclear to us and are often experienced by us as anxiety or aggression.

Unconscious guilt

"Unconscious" unconscious guilt has a complex nature. Traumatic experiences forced into the unconscious part of the psyche - the causes of guilt, continue to influence the self- and worldview, as well as human behavior. One of Freud's favorite students, Carl Jung, succinctly remarked: “When the internal situation is not realized, then it manifests itself from the outside, like fate.”

Conscious feeling of guilt

Depending on the degree of intensity, this emotion can give a person fleeting inconvenience or make life unbearable, manifesting itself, for example, in the form of endless self-reproaches associated with actions or desires that a person struggles with, considering them unacceptable.

Most often, a person experiences a feeling of guilt when he believes that his actions, or the desire to commit them, will be assessed by others as shameful and unacceptable.

I can give a lot of examples, but within the framework of this article I want to analyze a situation that I often encounter in practice. It's about a sense of guilt towards parents, caused by a certain style of upbringing.

Feelings of guilt towards parents or towards one of them

Childhood should be given the greatest respect.
Decimus Junius Juvenal

Of course, not only parents instill guilt in the child, but also educators, teachers and teachers. But parents "lay the foundation" of feelings of guilt. And the more impressive this "foundation", the stronger the "buildings" of the followers hold on to it.

We can safely say that it is impossible to avoid feelings of guilt towards parents. But minimizing or, conversely, maximizing this feeling in your child is a very realistic task for parents.

If the child is not initially aware that in the future he will have to part with his parents, then the parents are well aware of this. Some desperately drive this thought away from themselves, because they do not plan to part with the child. Why so - we will understand later. Let's go in order.

Years pass, the child grows and every day needs parental help and attention less and less. How parents perceive their child depends on the manner of education. Let's conditionally divide parents into two types: “good enough parents” and “manipulator parents”.

1. "Good Enough Parents"

D.V. Winnicott used the term "good enough mother". He wrote: “There is no just a good or perfect mother, but there is a “good enough mother”. It creates conditions for the infant in which he has the opportunity to gradually acquire autonomy.

Some parents are healthy and mentally mature enough to take the upcoming "friendly divorce with a child" (E. Berne) for granted. They raise a child with the understanding that the hour is not far off when he will become an adult and begin an independent life, create his own family, with whom he will spend most of his time. He will see his parents less and less, but he will love them as before.

And now a child from a “good enough family”, who has reached adulthood, is already full of plans for moving away from his parents and living independently. The very life for which his parents had been preparing since childhood.

A child from a "good enough family", in the future, most likely, will create his own "good enough family", and his children will create their own, and so on.

However, there are families in which parents raise their child exactly the opposite.

2. "Manipulative Parents"

Many people suffer from overwhelming guilt throughout their lives. They believe that they did not live up to the expectations of their parents.
Alice Miller

Initially, any child is a creature that has no idea about cultural values ​​in general and about the values ​​of his family in particular. In his psyche, the child is neither good nor bad, because he does not know these words, and even more so their meaning, and cannot know. The child can only feel his mother and "read her" from her expression.

And future "parents-manipulators" even before the birth of the child begin to endow him with different qualities, give him definitions, make plans and, of course, experience a variety of emotions directed at the unborn child. Already at this point, the child is at risk of not living up to the expectations of the parents. After all, he can be born "not like that."

However, suppose a child was born completely healthy and as similar as possible to the baby that mother and father fantasized about. And "parents-manipulators" begin to raise a child, ignoring the fact that he will inevitably grow up and want to start his own life separate from his parents. These parents manipulate their child from the very beginning and nurture the “guilty child” in him.

Why is this happening?

The reasons for this manner of upbringing may be different, but often in my practice I encounter a certain situation: parents solve their own psychological problems at the expense of the child. It cannot be said that they are completely to blame, because often they do not know what they are doing. And they would like it differently, but they cannot, for reasons that they do not realize.

Parents of this category, due to certain mental reasons, tend to perceive the child as their continuation and addition. The child acts as a kind of “patch for parental narcissism”, whose function is to “heal” or at least “cover up” the narcissistic wounds that they “bleed” from childhood. Parting with a child for such parents seems to be a painful process, which can be called "narcissistic amputation."

Therefore, it is important for such parents that the child stays with them as long as possible or never leaves them at all. But even in those cases when the child moves out from the parents, the manipulations on their part do not stop.

To keep the child, parents instill a sense of guilt in him through various manipulations, which can be conditionally divided into verbal and non-verbal.

Verbal and non-verbal manipulation

TO verbal manipulation includes a fairly common list of reproaches and allegations:

• you don't love us;

• parents must be loved;

• your parents do everything for you, and you behave like this;

• parents are sacred;

• we dedicated the best years of our lives to you;

• we wanted a boy, not a girl;

• we didn’t plan you at all - say thank you that I didn’t have an abortion;

• mom is not feeling well, and you and your friends are having fun;

• instead of being with your parents, you go on a date;

• we will die soon, then do what you want, but for now, be kind enough to obey your parents;

• you are doing it wrong;

• parents know better what and how to do;

• we know better what is best for you;

• good children do not upset parents;

• the neighbors have a child like a child, but we have the devil knows what, etc.

Usually such sayings are expressed by parents often and for any reason, developing a sense of guilt in the child.

Example: a small child tries to help his mother make a bed, and he doesn’t do it very well, which is completely natural, but even in this case the child will receive his “and who are you born into so worthless?”

Non-verbal manipulation can be expressed in the form of regular dramatic facial expressions and pantomime, gestures, sounds and intonations, tears. That is, dissatisfaction is expressed without words. Children very subtly perceive precisely non-verbal signals, because initially the child does not know and does not understand words, and communication with the mother occurs through facial signals and sounds. Accordingly, non-verbal communication is the type of communication that the child masters first.

Example: the child is going to go for a walk, and the mother stands silently and looks at him, as if he is leaving for the war.

Common parenting scenarios

I will describe several, in my opinion, the most common types of manipulations found in such families.

1. Parents are victims of circumstance

Such parents, with enviable persistence, tell their child that they gave him “the best years of their lives”, which cannot be returned, and if he had not been born, then their youth would have been much more fun.

It could be a single mother telling her child that her love life has "derailed" because his father abandoned them, and with a child in her arms she was of no use to anyone. I didn’t see life, I worked a lot, before work in kindergarten, after work I picked up from kindergarten and so on.

Attributing to the child the causes of their misfortunes, parents form in him a persistent sense of guilt before them.

2. Perpetually dissatisfied parents

Such constantly scold their child, hurry and punish for the slightest offense, forcing him to think that he is always wrong, guilty and even inferior.

3. Unhappy parents

These masterfully portray "suffering" in order to make the child feel guilty. Unfortunate parents are offended either by “fate” or by the child and, on occasion, deftly manipulate him like this: “Don't worry. Go to the disco. And I can handle my bad leg without you. If I call an ambulance. The main thing is that you are alive and well, and the rest does not matter.

Often the "bad leg" goes away as soon as the child leaves and is "sore badly" again when the child comes back. Instead of a leg, for example, the heart may “ache”.

4. Omniscient idealists

Quite often there are parents who are very concerned about their own “ideality” and the “ideality” of their child.

They are convinced that it is they and only they who know how to live a child correctly: how to dress, what classes to go to, what hobby to choose, what language to learn, what specialty to choose, who to work with, who to be friends with, whom to meet, etc.

After the choice is made, the child is obliged in all this to be "perfect" as parents. The quality of the performance of the child's duties is closely monitored and requires regular reports, and if they notice errors, they are immediately very disappointed, offended by the child and even thinking about abandoning the "shame of the family" in his face, which is immediately reported to the "negligent" one.

A child in such a family always feels the stern gaze of his "impeccable" parents on himself and is terribly afraid of making even the smallest mistake in any business, because this casts a shadow on their reputation. Such a situation in the family causes the child to have a strong sense of guilt towards his parents and can destroy free-thinking.

5. Forbidden parents

In a family dominated by "forbidding parents" the child feels guilty literally for every action, thinking that he constantly violates a certain set of laws that are unknown to him.

6. Prankster Parents

They like to make fun of their child and realize their sadistic inclinations with various “jokes” (a joke is an act of aggression that cannot be vented on an object in any other way).

Example: a small child notices that the parent chopping onions has “onion tears” (the child does not yet know that the process of chopping onions can cause tears) and asks him why he is crying. The “joking parent” replies, something along the lines of “because you don’t make me happy at all.” And all in this spirit. The child naturally believes and feels guilty. Frequently repeated, degrading jokes can make a child feel guilty.

7. Generous parents

They like to tell, and in the future regularly remind their child that “they didn’t plan it at all and wanted to have an abortion,” but they regretted it. Or they wanted a boy, not a girl, but ...

In this case, the child may feel guilty only for the fact of his birth or existence, because by this he makes his parents suffer.

8. Immaculate parents

Upon reaching puberty, the child begins to be interested in "THIS". "It" excites him and excites him in a completely natural way. But there are "immaculate parents" who cast great doubt on such a natural course of human development.

“Immaculate parents” themselves are very embarrassed of everything connected with THIS. Therefore, by all possible means they are trying to protect the child from all THIS. But, if the conscious part of the child's psyche, up to a certain point, can be deceived, then the unconscious child cannot be deceived.

The child feels guilty about growing up. In any case, the child feels guilty for his growing up. According to Winnicott: “The very fact of a child growing up is perceived by parents, for the most part unconsciously, as an act of aggression on the part of the child”. That is, it makes the parents upset, causing the child to feel guilty. But if Winnicott talks about the inevitable, then I write about how "pure parents" fuel their child's guilt.

“If parents are happy, glowing with joy, the source of which is the sexual pleasure they give to each other, then the children, immediately noticeably, are also happy” (“Family and How to Survive in It”).

In this case, it is said that the child unconsciously feels the satisfaction, happiness of the parents. And he feels it from the very birth. All this does not mean at all that parents should demonstrate their sexual life to the child, showing "where children come from." The child will know everything about it when he needs it.

9. Crying parents

They often cry, tell the child how they will miss when the child moves away from them. How hard it will be for them.

For clarity, I will give an example of the life situation of one woman. This example is taken from one open forum. A woman wants to marry a beloved man who lives in another country:

“Every time I left my parents (either for six months, or for a year), my mother always cried bitter tears, parting with me at the station, which always provoked a terrible feeling of guilt in me, haunting me for all the time of my absence, and I began to think: nothing can justify my mother's tears, let me marry an unloved person, but stay close to her than be happy with my beloved in a country where there are many more opportunities, but far from her.

Now, when I nevertheless decided to marry the one I love and leave for him, the question again torments me - how will I look into my mother's eyes when I leave?

I wonder if the mother of this woman asks herself the question “How will I look into my daughter’s eyes when I finally break her life?”

Of course, there are much more ways of manipulation than I described, but I hope that these examples are enough to convey the main idea to the reader.

What are the most likely consequences for a child from such families?

Based directly on my work experience, I dare to suggest two most likely scenarios for the development of events.

First option- this is a lonely, living with parents or separately, "eaten" by a sense of guilt "child". Forever secretly and openly cursing his parents, but at the same time loving them so much that he is unable to leave the old people. He is practically not adapted to his personal life.

At first, the “child” has the illusion that all this is temporary and will pass by itself with age, and when trying to establish a personal life, the “child” each time runs into a wall built by parents from prohibitions, reproaches, tears, etc. But years go by, the “child” is already 40, 45, 50 years old, and now, the approaching death of his parents looks more like a salvation for him than a tragedy.

Parents will die sooner or later, and their "creation" in the form of an unfortunate notorious person with an all-consuming sense of guilt will remain. Stay alive? Or live out your age, malnourished by your parents? Yes, and such a child will survive only if he does not die earlier from alcoholism or drug addiction (alcohol and drugs are well-known "folk" methods of dealing with anxiety).

Second option is a child who managed to create his own family and live separately from his parents-manipulators.

One would think that the creation of one's own family and traveling with parents should relieve the child of guilt or reduce it, but this is not so.
A person always deals not only with external objects, but also with internal mental objects. This means that in fact the child has parted ways with his parents, but not on a mental level, since the internal objects - the parents have thoroughly "settled" in the soul of the child.

Manipulative parents continue to attack the child from a distance. They require frequent visits with "traitor children", regular calls by phone or Skype.

Often, parents set a certain time for calls, which is quite problematic for a “child”, who already has his own family and his own affairs. But because of guilt, you have to follow the rules, and if you have to break, then with a strong sense of guilt.

Here is an example of such a situation taken from the forum. The daughter has not lived with her parents for a long time, but regular harassment by the mother continues:

Another typical example: an overgrown offspring who has his own family is obliged to get in touch with his mother via Skype every evening at a set time under any circumstances.

It is quite obvious that such parental control, based on skillful manipulation, can bring a lot of inconvenience and negative emotions to the child. Even if he is at a considerable distance from his parents.

As I wrote earlier, the child is initially vitally interested in attention from the mother, and, therefore, seduces her in ways available to him. The mother responds to the child in return. Over the years, this “game played by the whole family” does not end, but reaches a new level.

What are the ways out of this situation?

When a child is small, he cannot control this situation and the responsibility lies on the shoulders of the parents, who, having made tremendous mental efforts on themselves, can refuse to instill a sense of guilt in their child and seek help from a specialist.

But when a child reaches the age of majority (the age at which, according to the legislative norms, full civil capacity comes, as well as other additional rights and obligations), he can independently seek help from a specialist in order to work out his feelings of guilt before his parents. Although, of course, a child can do this, or at least think about it being a minor.

Practice shows that in most cases, a “torn umbilical cord” hurts only the first time. If an adult child finds the strength to stop “playing along” with his parents and thereby temporarily offend them, then after some time the “wound” from the gap will “heal”, the resentment will subside, and the relationship between parents and the child will normalize as much as possible .

Despite the fact that the above is a "family game" yet most of the responsibility lies with the parents due to the fact that they begin to manipulate the child when the child is not able to resist it.

"Everyone tends to do to others the way he was treated in childhood."

It is in the parental forces to stop in time and not take revenge on the children for their childhood. To make sure that “a happy childhood, which is so great to remember” does not turn for their child into something that “never and would never agree to relive again.”

I'll end with a classic:

“...Our children are our old age. Proper upbringing is our happy old age, bad upbringing is our future grief, these are our tears, this is our guilt before other people... the work of "building" new forms of life".

Thank you for attention.

If something doesn’t go according to plan, they immediately begin to reproach themselves and blame themselves: “I’m to blame for everything!”. Where does the feeling of guilt come from in young mothers and how to protect children from infantilism¸ AiF.ru told psychologist Irina Savenkova.

About the fear of "being bad"

The feeling of guilt in mothers is the most common reason for turning to a psychologist, especially mothers of preschoolers. After the child goes to school, in the minds of mothers, the responsibility for education is slightly shared with teachers.

The main fear that torments mothers is that they are doing something wrong. For example, a child develops little, or, conversely, too much. They are tormented by questions to give the baby to the garden or not. In a word, they are afraid of becoming a “bad mother” for their child. And it is this fear that lies behind the feeling of guilt. It is most often found in those mothers who believe that their mothers raised them incorrectly.

When popular psychology became very fashionable, the idea began to circulate among the people - all problems from childhood. So, who is to blame? Mum! This theory is very popular with everyone and it works well as long as you do not have children. But when children appear, the world seems to be telling you - come on, go, show class.

Soviet mothers messed up their firewood. Their educational system was Spock, under the slogan "do not spoil!". Once again, do not kiss, do not hug, point out how to live. And this system has led to a feeling of dislike in children. Therefore, the following mothers made a decision - to love, pamper, squeeze their children. God forbid they will have some bad emotions. Children need to be happy all the time. Support, give gifts so that they are cheerful and carefree.

Such a restriction from any problems, hardships and sadness has led to the fact that today we see how some children have grown up as infantiles, confident that everyone owes them, and their real adult life will begin only after 40. And if before this age they have children appear, then, as a rule, they are taken to their grandparents. They see that they raised a mother who is not able to cope with a child.

About guilt

There is also a third type of mothers who understand that neither the “do not spoil” system, nor the “spoil” system works, and they have no one to shift the responsibility for upbringing. They are psychologically clamped, as if in a vise - "you are to blame", "everything that happens to the child is your fault." They come in shock with the question: “What should I do - my child fights at two years old? It's my fault! I'm doing something wrong!" And we have to explain that around this age the aggressiveness of the child is formed. All children fight at this age. And it's not because you're bad. Or here - “I develop him, develop him, but he doesn’t read at 4 years old!”. But wait, there's physiology. Myelination of the brain, which is completed by 7 years. And the child can start reading only after physiological processes have taken place. And not because mommy is doing something right or wrong. Or — “My child is distracted and disorganized. I am bringing this up wrong. I am bad". But we are dealing with a child! And no matter what we instill in him, he is still a child.

About actions "in goodness"

So what to do? There is an exit. Vedic psychology is in vogue now. Let's use her terminology. There are actions - "in ignorance", "in passion", "in goodness".

When there was no information at all on how to raise children, their parents raised them “in ignorance”, intuitively. Then, when some information began to reach the mothers, they began to passionately follow it. For example, they took the idea from Spock - "do not spoil." Although there are actually a lot of modern ideas and very good ones. But for some reason, Soviet mothers took just that. The next - inspired by ideas - it is necessary to “love” the child so that, God forbid, he does not feel offended. And the way out, in my opinion, is in the third option - in actions “in goodness”, in order to use knowledge and apply it here and now. Observe and think whether they are relevant at this moment or not. Because there is no answer to the question - "Should I punish the child or not?". There are no general tips. It is always necessary to consider specific situations. Approach wisely, test reality. If the child is hungry, something hurts him or he didn’t get enough sleep and he has a tantrum, then what’s the point of educating him? You feed him, or give him the opportunity to sleep, cure him. His hysteria is not due to bad manners or spoiled, but due to objective reasons.

And if the child is clearly full, nothing hurts, he got enough sleep, but he throws a tantrum from scratch? For example, in a store with a demand to buy something for him. Here you need to mark the border - how to and how not to act. Implement a system of rewards and punishments. But it is also possible that some qualities are already embedded in his character. Therefore, the time has come for parents to take off the crown and stop thinking that everything depends solely on them. You need to act according to the situation, use knowledge, but do not expect that 100% it will turn out to be the product you dreamed of.

On the fear of making mistakes

Another huge fear of parents is to inflict psychological trauma on the child. But let's think - any development comes through difficulties. It turns out that if we do not give a child any difficulties, we do not develop him at all. It is necessary to give such difficulties that will be surmountable for him. But they must be! More talked about this Lev Vygotsky writes about it Julia Gippenreiter.

It's like learning to ride a bike. If you want to teach someone how to ride, you should be there. It’s wrong to sit on the sidelines and shout: “Don’t you know how to ride a bike yet ?!”. You need to support the steering wheel, explain how to pedal, hold and slowly release. But it is also wrong to get on this bike and ride it yourself. This is not study.

The feeling of guilt in modern mothers is not accidental, because they are asked to be in awareness. Do not blindly use one piece of advice, but delve into each situation, understand. All this is possible. In the end, children will grow up anyway, whether you make mistakes or not. And, as they say, every child will find something to complain about his mother to a psychoanalyst. Not because there is some kind of fault, but there is a causal relationship for everything. When a child comes to a psychologist, he will still complain about something. So don't be afraid to make mistakes.

You love your child, do everything possible to ensure that he grows and develops healthy, cheerful,. You think about it all the time, follow all the recommendations of children's doctors, psychologists. Walk, play, keep the regime. And outwardly - everything is perfect, your friends consider you a wonderful mother, and the child himself loves you immensely ...

But deep down there is a dark corner in which there is a sense of guilt towards the child. And dissatisfaction with himself as a mother. Is it normal?

Here's what psychologists say

• Doubts about their own viability and "professionalism", "correctness" visit from time to time every person with a sufficiently high level of intellectual development and a broad outlook. We develop, we learn new things, in connection with which we change behavior, attitude towards the child,. (In other words, considering yourself a "beacon of truth" and an "infallible ideal" is not the norm.);
• For a person who is over-emotional and mentally unstable (this is exactly what a young mother in the grip of a hormonal crisis is), the feeling of guilt in front of a child can become too important, color too brightly and overshadow the very joy of motherhood (which is also on the borderline of the norm);
• This feeling can be productive or destructive (either it pushes you to "mother's" exploits, or into the abyss of depression and apathy);
• In any case, guilt must be dealt with!

Ways to "taming" feelings of guilt

• Banal autotraining. Do not be lazy to regularly repeat to yourself that you are a wonderful mother: loving, caring, gentle, attentive and skillful. Let sometimes something doesn’t work out for you - you try, and everything will work out;
• You have the right to be imperfect, make mistakes and get tired! “Mom is also a person!” — write a poster and hang it in the kitchen. A bad mood, a walk missed because of the rain, irritation due to the eternal mess in the apartment - this is just life. And it has nothing to do with you as a mother;
• Take care of yourself sometimes by giving the child for a while to dad or. You will rest a little with him from each other and get bored. The meeting will be joyful!

Modern mothers do not want to bury themselves in a pile of starched diapers and toys licked by the baby. They have dreams, projects, career ambitions - and rightly so! Happy, creative, active mother -

Today, it is generally accepted in society that "good" parents should read books on education and comprehensively develop the child, and also try not to injure his psyche. Parents accept this model, but if they fail to match the image of a "good parent", responsibility presses, guilt gnaws - and here it is, neurosis!

What does the "neurosis of a good parent" look like?

Many modern parents worry about whether they are raising their children well. They are very responsible and often worry, do not believe in themselves, ask friends and psychologists for advice. Life with a child turns into a walk through a minefield. Although, it would seem, we are simply trying to grow him healthy and successful.

Books on child psychology are so popular these days, so moms and dads know way too much about how to harm their own child. Even thirty years ago, parents did not suspect how easy it is to injure a baby or raise a neurotic if you behave “wrongly”. Today, they begin to feel guilty in front of the child and wind themselves up literally for any reason: the baby often cries, does not adapt well to kindergarten, gets tired at school, does not like to read ...

Where did the “neurosis of a good parent” come from?

For centuries, people have not thought about whether they are raising children correctly. They just took care of them, as was customary in their social class. Why did this parental neurosis appear today?

On the one hand, we have more free time and energy that we dedicate to our beloved children: after all, we live in a prosperous world where there is no need to survive and escape from epidemics or military conflicts. No wonder we think more about how to make children happy.

On the other hand, there are a lot of books on psychology that talk about the incredible importance of childhood experience for the rest of life. They offer valuable educational methods that often contradict each other - there is reason to be confused.

And along with the development of society and technology, the culture of human relations is changing. New generations of mothers and fathers do not want to adopt the parenting models that their mothers or grandmothers used. Modern parents have to find suitable pedagogical techniques on their own - and this feels like a big responsibility.

What is the harm of parental guilt

First, the perfectionist parent is self-doubting. Secondly, such a tense and anxious parent negatively affects their loved ones. His anxiety is easily transferred to other family members, and children do not feel very good around disgruntled and insecure parents.

A neurotic parent almost never behaves naturally with children. He constantly evaluates the child, looks at him - and checks with certain norms and standards. Mom or dad simply does not have time to think: what does the child feel now, what does he need? It is as if a glass wall grows between a parent and a child, which prevents each of them from establishing spiritual contact and feeling the ordinary joy of communication, prevents them from relaxing and feeling like happy people, and not hostages of the situation.

How to get out of the “neurosis of a good parent”

On the one hand, attention to the process of education is good. But on the other hand, if we think too much about it, everyone becomes neurotic: both children and adults. It is important to find a "golden mean" between carelessness in education - and an extreme desire for excellence.

To get rid of guilt towards the child, acknowledge the relative normality of this guilt. Yes, this is an unpleasant phenomenon, but today it is very common. It's normal for today's parents to feel a little insecure as they live in a rapidly changing world and are forced to develop their own parenting strategy. By recognizing the naturalness of parental neurosis, we can reduce its pressure.

Stop relying 100% on psychological arguments. Psychologists themselves remind: psychology is still not a science. Only in certain areas does it quite accurately describe the laws of development - this is the work of the brain, the mechanisms of memory and attention. But in the situation of raising children, psychology is completely unscientific! It is better to admit that your child is your genes and your family patterns, so in this area it is worth trusting your own reason and intuition.

Stop thinking that you are in complete control of your child's development. This is not true. We do not know what consequences this or that event will lead to. There are children who were given little attention - but they grew up strong personalities. There are children who have had all the best from birth - and in adulthood they often have serious problems. The upbringing of a person is a mysterious, dance-like or adventure-like process. Here you need to trust yourself and be attentive to the child.

Respect the child's nascent personality. Each child appears with a special nervous organization, then a unique developmental experience is superimposed on it. The child gradually forms his personality every day and every hour. It is his own decisions that shape his character - even if those decisions are made unconsciously. That is why psychologists say: personality is formed only “from within”. You can influence this only indirectly - to create an interesting "nutrient environment", set a good example, "infect" with your interest and support.

Do not try to save the child from everyday difficulties. Any growth and development is associated with overcoming difficulties. Even breastfeeding is stressful for a baby, because before he did nothing to get enough. And in every healthy child there is enough strength to overcome everyday stress, such overcoming makes him stronger. But any body is ready to avoid stress if there are available ways. When parents try to protect the child from "unnecessary" difficulties, the child easily agrees to this - and loses the valuable experience of overcoming, independent decision-making. A child needs ordinary difficulties, so support children and do not worry that they are having a hard time.

Notice the good, praise the child and yourself. Often parents focus on problems - and do not see the success of the child. And it would be worth shifting the focus! For example, a child does not get used to kindergarten well and meets with whims and whining every morning. But he is happy to compose stories, perfectly selects colors in drawings and crafts, and patiently sculpts huge buildings from plasticine. Notice what activities and topics fascinate the baby, and support him: be interested, help, praise. And do not forget to pat yourself on the head for the fact that your son or daughter is fond of something and develops in something - it means that you have created the conditions for this. In this way, you will help your child find a real resource niche that will give confidence and develop abilities. And all children have difficulties - and all children cope with them little by little.

Find really interesting activities for yourself. Often, parental anxiety increases for the simple reason that mom or dad does not realize their own desires, ambitions and interests. We switch over to the child so much that we lose interest in other activities and goals. This process has unpleasant consequences: you try to extract joyful experiences, mainly “from the child”, he becomes your main “stimulator”. To avoid falling into this trap, pay attention to yourself and remember what really turned you on until the baby arrived. Find those activities and things that fill you with interest in life, make you feel meaningful and happy. Draw, sew, learn new things, read, meet people, plan and implement projects big and small. There are many tonic sources of happiness in life, except for children, it is important to connect to them and develop this “gold mine”.

Parental neurosis often goes away with experience if mom and dad do not get hung up on worries about the child. Allow yourself to relax, trust your natural instinct - then you will be attentive and open to children, but without anxiety. And more joy, peace and simple pleasure from life with a child will come to the family.

Guilt is a selfish, weak-willed feeling; you will be able to help yourself and your child much better if you do not give in to it.
It usually takes the form of complaints such as, “I can't provide the kids with everything they need. I pay little attention to them, rarely play with them, etc. I am a bad mother (father).
The problem of guilt is often raised in psychological counseling. Guilt is a feeling of dissatisfaction with oneself, remorse that arises if a person does something that contradicts his values ​​(own or imposed).
Loaded with work, experiencing financial difficulties, parents lose authority over their own children. And feel guilty about them.
“Don’t touch this!”, “Don’t eat that!”, “Get away from the computer!” - the child often hears from parents tired at work. Further, parents break down, scream, and then worry about their act.
But children need our firmness. They need clear boundaries, and the worst thing we can do for them is to foster a sense of permissiveness. Be consistent: set the rules and be reminded of them. Mastering them, the child gains independence.
A typical misconception of many mothers is the belief that it is worth being with the child long enough and he will no longer feel abandoned. In fact, just being there is not enough. The quality of communication matters more than the number of hours spent together.
Take a look at your child's behavior. If he feels abandoned, he will definitely show it. Some children in such cases become aggressive and whiny. Others are haunted by nightmares. Some get our attention by doing something stupid on purpose. Instead of sitting him down in front of the TV while you cook, chat with him in the kitchen. Try to be in close proximity to him more often, at a touch distance: feed him yourself, bathe (very small ones), caress ... Physical contact with parents helps to gain a sense of security.
At a deeper level, guilt towards children is a reflection of a critical attitude towards one's parents and hidden resentment towards them. Criticality towards parents indicates that the child has formed a certain ideal of parents, since any assessment is always a comparison. Then, when the child grows up and becomes a parent himself, he falls into the trap of his own ideal. Now he himself must meet his children's requirements in order to become a "good" parent. Therefore, guilt towards children can be a hidden criticism of their parents.