Incomplete families today no longer surprise anyone. It has become the norm. More often, children are raised by mothers, and fathers bear the title of "Sunday dads." How true is it that it is difficult for girls who grew up without a father to build their own relationships, and why do some of them marry early and some late? 103.by learned about the life situations of girls first-hand, and also asked the opinion of an expert - a psychologist at the Antes-Med medical center Olga Ilchik.

Olga Ilchik, psychologist of the Antes-Med medical center

I grew up enslaved and I'm afraid to be the first to start a conversation

Anna, 24 years old

My father left my mother when I was 3 years old. I grew up very enslaved, I'm afraid to be the first to start a conversation, I don't know what male attention or society means. I can’t cope with myself - I behave naturally at home, but as soon as I go out into the street, I immediately close myself. It's like some kind of self-defense ... But men love radiance. How will you shine here, if not from what? And life seems to pass by. I constantly see couples and think, as if I am not worthy of this, that this is for the "chosen ones", for "others" ...

Anna explains that the problem is that her mother was offended by her father. He did not send money, and she had to work hard to support the child. Later, the parents began to tolerate each other more or less during short meetings between the girl and dad. Anna herself behaved with restraint with her father, copying her mother.

The girl is greatly influenced by her mother's attitudes and beliefs. Since the interaction experience is filled with tension, she also feels constrained next to men. They seem to her incomprehensible and inaccessible, and because of this, she is full of fears. Even understanding all these mechanisms, she cannot stop being chained. Anna needs to get to know her real father, not in a fantasy way. It is important for her to form her own understanding of why her father left, what he thinks about his decision, why he decided to meet with his daughter. Subsequently, this will allow not to express an exclusively maternal position, but to develop one's attitude towards the father and men in general.

Before getting close to men, she needs to know herself, to discover her needs and interests, everything that fills her as a person. Think about what she likes in life, what brings pleasure. Moreover, not to please others, but simply for themselves.

A month before the wedding, she left him, although they lived together for four years in perfect harmony

Polina, 30 years old

I grew up without a father. My problem is that I don’t trust men and don’t respect them, I’m always looking for a catch on their part. Moreover, I had enough guys, they repeatedly called me to marry ... However, I don’t feel like it, I am an independent person, I’m used to answering only for myself. There is no desire to take on additional problems and limit freedom, to adapt. I thought that I could live with a “henpecked” who was very in love with me - it didn’t work out. A month before the wedding, she left him, although they lived together for four years in perfect harmony. Now I'm going to get married again, the application is in the registry office, I'm pregnant. Again, I feel something is wrong. I've been living alone for a month now. My future husband tried to “build” me. I thought I tied the unborn child.

Polina's position looks overly independent in relation to men. This point of view, as a rule, hides the desire to protect oneself from pain. It is important for a girl to “move away” from a person and leave him herself before this happens to her.

Polina will need time to gain experience of close relationships in which she can feel safe and be able to regulate the distance. It is good to build this kind of contact first with the therapist, and then transfer it into life. If partners are sufficiently motivated, marital therapy can be tried. The level of emotional stress increases before important events and therefore it is not worth putting pressure on the girl at the moment. A wedding is also stressful, which increases the girl's anxiety. Now Polina needs support, understanding and a friendly attitude.

Olga, 28 years old

I grew up without a father. Now, having married, it is difficult for me to build a relationship with my spouse. I can't trust him. I feel like I know better what to do and how to do it. I accept that it is better for a wife to submit to her husband. However, this is hard for me, apparently due to my difficult childhood and upbringing.

Olga is quite immovable in her beliefs about men and the family. There is a feeling that she was simply implementing the social program “you need to get married and have children” without her own need and readiness for that. The main question arises, why did the girl get married? What makes her constantly control?

In this case, it is necessary to develop one's own attitude and understanding of marriage, family, relationships between partners (give-take, forgive, thank).

A happy family in the cases with Olga can be built when the girl sees her husband as a living person with her own needs, starts talking to him.

It's difficult. After all, when people get married, no one tells them that they will have to get to know each other all their lives. As for early or late marriages among girls who grew up without fathers, everything is ambiguous here.

Both scenario repetition and counter-scenario are possible. They choose as husbands similar to their fathers in order to get what the real father did not give. Or choose someone who doesn't exactly look like him. There are always difficulties in relationships with men, it all depends on what a girl wants from a relationship with a man.

To have the partner you represent next to you, you need to develop these very strengths in yourself. If you want to see a man next to you, it is important to be a woman next to you. If you choose the “daughter” behavior model, then the man will also be the “father”. If you choose the position of controlling and patronizing, then the man will become a “son”. Look for reasons within yourself.

The relationship between mother and daughter develops in the process of caring for and caring for the girl. The relationship between father and daughter develops in the course of their game. It is believed that fathers are less protective of the child than mothers. Therefore, under the influence of the father, self-discipline, self-control, relationships with the outside world are formed.

So, what is the impact of the role of the father on the development of the girl's personality? To do this, we divide the spheres of the girl's life and determine what influence the father has on the formation of one or another behavior of the daughter in these spheres.

We have identified social, personal life and professional life. At the end of the article you will find practical recommendations on how to get rid of the negative attitudes of the father.

The influence of the father on the social life of the girl

The mother has the lion's share of the social life of the girl. She teaches to interact with others, helps to learn the unknown, talks about bad and good behavior. But full-fledged relationships with the outside world are formed thanks to the positive building of relationships not only with the mother, but also with the father.

The primary role of the father in the knowledge of the girl's world is the destruction of the symbiotic relationship between mother and daughter. If this does not happen in time, the excessive love of the mother can be detrimental to the formation of a healthy personality of the girl.

Lifestyle

Girls of friendly, caring and emotionally stable fathers usually take care of a healthy diet and sports lifestyle. They take care of their physical and psychological health. They experience less stress and are less prone to depression and anxiety.

These girls have higher levels of intellectual development. This is due to the fact that fathers spend a lot of time with girls, monitor their upbringing and development: they go to the theater, museum, exhibitions, etc.

The father wanted a son

It is not a rare situation when a father really wanted a son, but a daughter is born. In such a situation, fathers need to be very careful. Since unconsciously, they will try to make a son out of a daughter. From here and such names for girls: Yaroslav, Sasha, Zhenya, Vladislav, etc.

Often, men, because of not knowing and fearing "what to do with a girl," simply do not know how to find an approach to her. In such a situation, men can encourage and stimulate the masculine behavior of girls. In this situation, mothers need to ensure that the father is not fond of encouraging masculine behavior in his daughter. This may be due to the ban on the manifestation of girlish emotions, playing only men's games with a child, watching men's films, stories and fairy tales on a man's theme.

A critical situation is when a girl, in order to earn the attention and love of her father, begins to unknowingly copy male behavior herself. This may cause some difficulties. So in adolescence, the girl will experience difficulties in gender identification.

A son-loving father can completely ignore his daughter as a person. Such a father is never interested in her success, does not rise to her cry, shouts at her mother and throws off all responsibility for raising her daughter on her. Most often, such girls in men will look for that fatherly love that they did not receive in childhood. This can manifest itself in the fact that girls will look for men an order of magnitude older than themselves.

2 types of girls

1. "Doll Girls". The imperious, authoritarian type of father, who in every possible way forbade the manifestation of any emotional experiences, criticized any initiatives, etc., can form the image of a “doll girl”. Such girls are very beautiful, graceful, but at the same time they are completely not independent, infantile and dependent on a man. Such a girl will look for a “daddy” father in men who would take care of her, provide everything she needs, and she continued to demonstrate her beauty on the pages of social networks.
2. "Amazons". Weak fathers who suffer from alcoholism, who are not working and cause only trouble and suffering to their family, become the reason why girls take on the role of father. Such girls try to compensate for the moral trauma inflicted on them by their father, they place the burden of responsibility for the maintenance of the family on themselves. They can start earning early to provide for their families. Such a girl will look for men whom she will take care of, whom she will patronize.

The influence of the father on the girl's personal life

From how the relationship between father and daughter develops in the first 5 years of a girl’s life, it will affect her whole life, including relationships with men. It is the father who shows his daughter that the world of men is not so terrible, that in many ways women and men are similar.

trust in men

According to numerous surveys, it was found that women who had a warm, friendly, affectionate, open, emotionally close relationship with their father rate their marriage as excellent, considering it successful in all areas (spiritual, sexual, emotional).

Sex identification

It is the father who forms the idea of ​​gender-role relations between a man and a woman. By about 3 years old, girls are already beginning to distinguish between male and female behavior. Even in the sandbox, they try to copy the behavior of their gender. And also at this age, an attitude towards dad as a man begins to form, and towards mom as a woman. In girls who grew up without a father, these ideas are formed much later, if there was no person replacing the father (grandfather, brother).

Equally important is the role of the father in adolescence. The girl begins to feel dissatisfied with her rapidly changing body, she is also not satisfied with her appearance and style. In this situation, it is her father who will help her if he compliments her more often, hugs and kisses her. If the girl doesn't get this, she may start looking for early sexual contact.

Self-esteem

The father has a huge impact on the self-esteem of the girl! It can be said that the father forms it.

Children are a growing organism. They take a step - they make a mistake, they fall, they get up, they take a step again and again they are nowhere. This is the normal state of a growing person. Therefore, one must be patient with their method of knowing the world. Therefore, avoid insulting children. As for the girls, you are for her the prototype of her future husband. Imagine that her husband would also insult her?! To prevent this, avoid insulting your growing daughters yourself.

A man should praise his daughter more often, admire her, love and hug her, only in this way she will feel that someone needs her, that she is attractive and other people can like her for who she is. This will give her confidence in relationships with the opposite sex.

Feeling of security

It is important to form a relationship with your daughter in such a way that she has a subcortex, on an unconscious level, that the father is a friend who will always protect her, even if she is wrong. That the father is the person to whom she can always turn for help, in any life situation, no matter what happens.

Girls from families where fathers did not show emotional interest or were completely removed from education are more likely to enter into relationships with men who are prone to aggression, emotionally cold and emotionally unstable. This is due to the fact that such women care, affection, respect from men seem to be something not normal, abnormal, not natural. Many even think that they do not deserve an affectionate and caring attitude towards themselves from a man.

Have your own opinion

A good father teaches his daughter to stand up for herself. This is formed thanks to the words and games in which the father speaks and plays with his daughter:

• teaches her to climb trees or swim in different styles,
• drive,
• fix a bicycle
• fix broken things
• to protect yourself from the boys who fight, etc.

If the family did not have the image of a father (grandfather or older brother), a girl can fall under the yoke of her future husband, will be completely subordinate to his opinion, his power, will be afraid to leave him, and, accordingly, will endure his bullying.

Early marriage

Girls who grew up in a family where their father abandoned them, more often than their other peers, marry very early. This is due to the fear that they will not have time, that they will be abandoned and no one will need them.

In addition, the quality of a daughter's marriage is influenced by the relationship between father and mother. Girls do not consciously copy the interpersonal relationships between their parents. Be prepared if you often quarrel, swear, be rude to each other, make fun of each other, and your daughter will marry a man who will criticize and offend her. In families where the father shares household duties with the mother, kisses her, he takes care of her, shows gentlemanly manners, everything is exactly the opposite.

Remember! We all copy, albeit unconsciously, the behavior of our parents.

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “God! I react to it like my mother” or “He acts exactly like my father! He even says the same words! Here it is! And how many other things we do not notice for ourselves.

Everything comes from childhood!

The influence of the father on the professional life of the girl

It is the father's attitude to his daughter's childhood successes that influences the formation of her professional self-determination. So, if a father admires even the small achievements of his daughter, helps her with homework, praises her, goes to all her competitions, says how proud he is of her, the daughter develops a feeling that she can cope with any tasks, that she is strong and worthy of success that she can do more and achieve more. And such girls achieve!

It is the father who develops the girl's logical thinking, arithmetic abilities, as well as the moral qualities of the individual.

It is the father who is at the origin of the girl's choice of profession.

If the father is a self-sufficient man, satisfied with his social position, then his daughter will strive to achieve a worthy position in society.

Courageous or weak and crushing

It is the father who rewards the daughter with a manifestation of masculinity. He shows that there is masculine power in every girl. This is strength: to strive, to achieve, to get what you want, to be independent, authoritarian and independent. Thanks to the positive influence of the father, the girls move up the career ladder, strive to occupy high positions, become an effective worker, a competent professional.

It is the masculinity brought up by the father that helps the girl cope with difficulties in life, whether it be sports achievements, professional or personal.

The absence of a father in a girl's life

The absence of a father in the life of a girl does not pass without a trace. A father in a girl's life can be replaced by another male person (an older brother or grandfather), but not like a mother. Of course, a mother should take into account the developmental features of her daughter's personality without a father, but she cannot completely replace him.

Consequences of not having a father:

• The girl loses social activity. She becomes insecure, some girls suffer from a lack of self-discipline, self-control.
• Girls who grew up without a father are more likely than others to suffer from frequent nervous breakdowns, stress, anxiety, and depression.
• Such girls are less intellectually developed. It is more difficult for them to study, to decide on a profession. They are less focused on higher education and career growth.
• Girls who grew up without a father marry earlier than other peers.
• Protracted identification of gender identity. Usually a girl compares a potential companion with the image of her father. If he was not there, then she creates an ideal image of her father in her head. This image is created from her environment: brothers, friends, relatives, movie heroes, etc. This image is not always real.
• The absence of a model of behavior in marriage and family relations has a detrimental effect on the formation of relationships between a girl and her husband and men in general. She simply does not know what a marriage relationship should be like. Those. she has no one to copy.
• A girl who grew up without a father is constantly trying to find him in a potential partner. Those. she is looking for a person who would surround her with care and affection, as her father should have done.
• high femininity. Refusal of any contact with men, isolation of oneself from communication with them, fear of talking to them. Or building relationships with men purely to achieve their goals (sexual, professional, etc.).

conclusions

1. A father should surround his daughter with fatherly love as much as possible. Admire her achievements, even if they are small and insignificant.
2. Take part in her social life: go to her performances, exhibitions, competitions, etc.
3. Introduce the girl to the outside world: go on mini-dates with her daughter, invite her to a cafe, give her a coat, open car doors, etc.
4. Depending on the existing relationship between father and daughter (positive or negative), the girl’s requirements for men will be built:

• “he does not match the image of my father” - sifting men through a sieve of a positive image of the father;
• "Just not like my father" - the search for the antipode of the father. This may be due to the negative experience of communicating with the father: he was inattentive, cold, distant, aggressive.

1. The opinion is erroneous that "while the daughter is small, let her mother take care of her, that's when she grows up ...". The period up to 5 years is very important, and if the father during this period does not show himself as a father (he will be cold and indifferent in raising his daughter), then this time will be irretrievably lost.

For a girl, the opinion and attention of her father is very important. This is the first assessment of her appearance, skills and abilities by the male. The way the father manifests himself in this will leave a huge imprint on the formation of her personality. Thanks to this attention, her self-esteem, her academic performance, purposefulness, the desire to explore the world, go through life boldly or avoiding corners are formed.

Also, when analyzing the influence of the father on the development of the girl's personality, it is necessary to take into account the race and nationality of families.

How to get rid of the negative attitudes of the father

If you are a daughter whose father was not an exemplary dad, or you grew up without a father at all, then you may have come across a situation where a voice in your head told you “You can’t do it!”, “You can’t do it”, “Don’t risk , you will never be able to get out of poverty! ”,“ You are not so beautiful ”and the like. Perhaps you are already over 40, but you can’t get rid of the parental voice in your head. The following technique will help you cope with this voice and overcome these negative programs in your head.

So, sit back, relax. It is best that you are alone in a room or at home.

1. Decide what negative attitude you will work with.
2. Feel your body. In what part of your body do you experience discomfort? What does this negativity look like? What image does he take? What do you feel about it? What emotions does this setting evoke?

1. We check the reality of the image and strengthen it.

For example: The mask fuses with the body, the rivets are compressed more. There is a feeling of hopelessness, panic and want to burst into tears.

Conclusion: you have chosen the very setting that prevents you from living. If you did not experience strong emotions in relation to this installation, then this is not it. So you're just wishful thinking. Start over, look for another image that you will emotionally react to!

1. Imagine how you take this image out of your body and put it in front of you.
2. Confidently, loudly, consciously and clearly state the counterargument!

For example: I'm beautiful! I have cute features! I look better than some! My beauty admires xx.

1. Now imagine how your negative attitude becomes smaller, then crumbles into small particles, and those into smaller ones, and so on until they disappear from view.

For example: the mask becomes smaller and more transparent, then it breaks into pieces, crumbles and flows like water.

1. Listen to yourself, to your well-being. What do you feel?

For example: there was freedom in movement, relief, confidence.

1. Think about how your life will change? What will you do now? What positive effect will this have on you?
2. At the end of the procedure, thank yourself for the work done. Think again about the positive effect to rule out the return of a negative attitude.

Do this exercise again after some time. In a day, two, a month or a year. The more often you work on your settings, the more comfortable, confident and happier you will feel.

That's all. If you have a personal example of the influence of a father on your life or on the life of your daughter, we will be glad if you share it with us in the comments to this article. Perhaps it is your experience that will help others cope with a difficult life situation.

Lecture on the relationship of daughters and fathers. Analysis of situations on personal examples of the girls present.

Question from Daria

Tell me, please, what is the role of the father in the upbringing of the girl? What psychological problems can arise in the future in the life of a woman brought up without a father? Thank you.

Answer

Daria, thanks for your question.

There are no girls raised without a father. His role in the mind of the girl will be played by other men (grandfather, uncle, teacher, family friend).

The biological father also does not disappear, whether he participates in upbringing or not, it’s just that his influence and upbringing is carried out in a slightly different way:

• through the daughter's knowledge of his story (or fantasies about it);
• through the stories or silence of the mother about the father;
• through the state and status of the mother at the moment (after the relationship with the father);
• through her own memories and her daughter's ideas about her father.

How did the father remain in the memories of the mother and daughter in the present? What are the consequences of his presence?

He went to another woman, took to drink, died? Etc.

This data (the answer to the question) can become a secret or obvious fear of a growing girl. - May unconsciously wait or even provoke her man to such behavior, as well as be inadequately distrustful / conflict in such matters.

If her father drank, then in the future she may suspect a man who drank a glass of wine in alcoholism. If the father cheated, she may wait / provoke the betrayal of her man in the future.

What was their relationship like with their mother?

Loving, problematic, cold, helpful? Etc.

The answer to this question is the script for the future relationship of the daughter.

If the relationship of the parents was difficult and painful, then the girl may unconsciously avoid a serious relationship. If the relationship was full of love, and then the father suddenly left, then the girl may avoid loving in full force (anticipating the loss). If the father was cold, she can choose cold (problem) men as partners and spend her strength trying to “melt” them.

Why is mother single now?

Couldn’t find anyone, didn’t want to, didn’t find anyone like her father? Etc.

The answer to this question is a built-in idea of ​​personal power or dependency as a woman.

If the mother lives well and fully on her own, then the girl may develop a belief: “if my relationship is destroyed, I can live fully on my own.” Against the backdrop of a difficult relationship, a girl can follow in her mother's footsteps: it's good to live alone. If it seems to the daughter that the single life of the mother is inferior, then the girl can cling to men, avoiding loneliness like fire (avoiding the position of the mother).

What aftertaste of the relationship with the father left the mother now?

With sadness, resentment against her father, bitterness, is she full of life? Etc.

Seeing the state in which the mother remained after the relationship with her father, the girl makes an unconscious conclusion about what men are like and how they affect women.

If the father left the mother in financial distress, destroyed, emotionally devastated, embittered, withdrawn, then the girl may shun men, or she may suppress / control them. If the daughter sees that the father left the mother in a good condition and position, took care of her, then men and people in general can be perceived as safe and trustworthy.

By answering these questions, one can determine the ideas laid down by the influence of the father. The biological father, as it were, remotely educates his daughter through the interpretation of the mother.

The interpretation of a mother raising a child without a father sometimes contains little truth about the real father, which at first is blindly accepted by the girl on faith. - A mother, traumatized by her father, traumatizes her “at the same time” with her daughter, which pushes the latter to repeat her own relationship scenario with her man. Growing up, the girl sees the features of her mother better, and often, at some point, questions the information told by her mother about her father.

Conclusion

If a girl brought up without a father sees her mother satisfied with her relationship with her father, in a good position, living a full life, if the father’s story is positive, and the reason for leaving is understood and accepted by the soul, then such a girl may differ little from others raised by fathers. (Sometimes an immature father who is present can hurt as much or more than an absent father.)

Otherwise, it is important for a girl to rethink the maternal interpretation of her father, to discover and live her feelings for her father who left, to work with her female identity. Such psychological work can help to rebuild the negative female script and avoid passing it on to her daughter.

In the birth of a new life, two principles always participate - male and female. And it does not matter whether this participation is indirect or literal, but only a man and a woman are able to create a new life.

There is an opinion in society that the role of the mother, in comparison with the role of the father, is much more important in the upbringing of the child. If we return to our distant ancestors, we will remember that the duties of a man included the following tasks: obtaining food, procreation and creating a safe place for the life of his woman and future offspring. The woman had to ensure the survival of the descendants. The need to recognize the smallest needs of her baby developed an emotional sphere in her. It is no secret that a woman is physiologically capable of giving birth only once every 9 months, so the choice of a partner has been and remains a very important event in the life of every mature girl. A healthy and strong man guaranteed good genes for a future descendant. But the role of the father is not limited to this. The "biosocial" nature of man needs not only the satisfaction of physiological needs, but also the higher needs. On this account, the creator of individual psychology Alfred Adler said the following: "a person becomes a social being, thanks to an innate social interest, or social aspiration."

The first people a young child learns to interact with are their parents. In this article, I want to talk with you about the role of the father in the upbringing of the girl, as well as his influence on the formation of the baby's further relationship with the opposite sex. I purposely do not want to go deep into all scientific theories in order to simplify our communication with you and speak in a language understandable to all of us. So, how does a father influence his daughter's personal life, the type of relationships with other men, the choice of a life partner, and, finally, the development of femininity in his daughter? Let's start our journey to childhood.

It has long been known about the existence of a life scenario. This script is laid in the child from birth. According to the psychological theory, “a life scenario is a program setting for a future life, formed in a child by parents and the immediate environment. And it is believed that in most cases it depends on the father, according to what scenario the daughter's life will develop. In addition, how much their emotional closeness developed and strengthened in the early years depends on how easily the “teenage crisis” with its nihilism and desire for independence will pass.

Game activity, as a leading one, in the early childhood of a child, performs the functions of gaining experience in communicating with a person of the opposite sex, including (father). In the mind of the girl, the idea of ​​​​the difference between men and women is formed and consolidated. Not so long ago, psychologists were convinced that the father plays an important role in the life of a daughter only after the age of three, at the very time when the child awakens an interest in the difference between the sexes. But today, scientists have come to the conclusion that gender identification is inherent in a child from birth. And it becomes clear that the role of the father in the early stages of the daughter's development is necessary. If, due to the excessive closeness of the daughter and mother, there is no place left for the father, and he is excluded from the system of relationships, then the image of an outcast man is fixed in the mind of the girl, on which she will focus, building her behavior with the opposite sex in the future.

read also:

One reality - the difference between our stoksiv іz fathers grows all our steps stosunki and mutually from the soothing light of those other people. Itself in this chi in the middle, which replaces її, we will acquire the first patterns of behavior, inculcating stereotypes ...

A few words about codependency Can we let go? Looking at what is happening around me, and, in fact, what was happening inside, not really. Rather, quite the opposite...

Girls who had a trusting relationship with their fathers may have some masculine qualities. For example, they tend to show a masculine type of thinking, they are able to compete with men, communicating with them in their language. The father contributes to the formation of the girl's ideas about masculinity and femininity. It actually has the most important function - to give the child ideas about social rules and laws, including those related to gender-role behavior. “Numerous studies confirm that mothers pay much less attention to sex differences than fathers. Most fathers very early, already in the second year of a child's life, focus on the manner of behaving according to their gender. But if a boy develops masculine traits through punishment and encouragement from his father, then the femininity of daughters develops as a result of the masculinity of the father, depends on how much he appreciates these traits in his wife, and also on how much he encourages his daughter to participate in traditional "women's" deeds."

It is generally accepted that if the father in the first five years of a child's life remains cold, indifferent to the personality of the child, and tends to believe that "let him grow up so that there is something to talk about," then this time is gone forever. If hostility is shown towards the little daughter, this leaves a mark, and subsequently one has to work it out with a psychologist or simply live without understanding why a rake sticks out from everywhere in relations with men. Fatherly support for a girl is also very important because her self-esteem depends on it. The opinion of the father plays an important role in shaping the harmonious personality of the girl. “If the father believes in the success of his daughter, in her attractiveness, then the daughter grows up with the feeling that she is strong and worthy of success. And for a girl, in general, it is her father’s tenderness and attention that are very important, she is pleased to feel like a “little princess”, whom her father loves and pampers. Thanks to this, in the future there is a high probability that her relationship with the opposite sex will develop successfully. It is dad who will show the girl that the male world is not hostile, that a man and a woman are different, but at the same time equivalent concepts. In a relationship with her father, the girl will learn to feel like a woman - tender, necessary and attractive. This role cannot be entrusted to anyone other than the father (the first man in the girl's life). Since dad is the first man in her daughter's life, she unconsciously builds a model of an ideal man from him. After that, (if the image is formed successfully), the father must still confirm his "status" when the daughter enters adolescence. Then the daughter will look for a husband similar to her father (even unconsciously).

“The time when a girl (girl) gradually enters the world of relationships with the opposite sex, it is the father who can tell a lot and warn against a lot. The craving for communication with older comrades, and even more so if these comrades are suitable for fathers, is by no means inherent in everyone. But this is also a common occurrence. For the most part, in older men, the girl or young woman is attracted not at all by sexual motives, but by what psychoanalysts call the image of the father. For example, a girl grew up without a father, but always dreamed of having one, created a mental image of an ideal character, and then suddenly met just such a person. Or there is a father, but does not correspond to the ideal image, so the attraction is formed according to what has already been described. In any case, a girl, as a rule, is infantile, weak, dependent, timid, easily falls under the influence of others and herself dreams of a person who will take care of her, guide and teach.

Perhaps you have already heard about such a psychotype as a woman-daughter. This type of women “sees in a man, first of all, a person wise in life, allowing her to open up, give calmness, confidence in a friend, support in any situation. She is not attracted to the young and self-confident, as well as the weak and defenseless. She needs an already formed person who has achieved his goal in life and is willing to share his achievements with her. In the formation of this psychotype, the first violin is played, of course, by the girl's father.

According to Adler, "the ideal father is one who treats his children as equals and takes an active part along with his wife in their upbringing." It becomes clear that the father must avoid two mistakes: emotional isolation and parental authoritarianism, which, oddly enough, have the same consequences. “Children who feel the alienation of their parents usually pursue the goal of achieving personal superiority rather than superiority based on social interest. Parental authoritarianism also leads to a defective lifestyle. Children of domineering parents learn to fight for power and personal, not social, superiority. I can't help mentioning another very important aspect. The girl's mother teaches her to live in the house, and her father helps her to go out into the world. In other words, the mother is responsible for the emotional attachment of the child, and the father is responsible for the emotional independence.

For girls who grew up in a harmonious relationship with dad, “a father is the person who is able to break the barrier between his daughter and all males. Ideally, a woman learns to perceive men correctly, it is easier to endure both the first and subsequent love “skills”. They are liberated and confident in their actions, whether it is study, work in a male team or a joint camping trip. But girls who did not know their father are often simply afraid to talk to classmates. No psychological preparation, and inter-gender conflicts escalate to the extreme. In the future, such women make special demands on their chosen ones based on their own imagination, do not distinguish between family roles, and even evaluate the concept of “love” differently.

Of course, if a girl sees the mutual respect of parents for each other, that it is easier for them to experience all life's troubles together, then the daughter will have a positive attitude towards creating her own family in the future.

I suggest that you consider in more detail the issue of the influence of relations with your father on relations with future partners. So, there are three main ways of such influence:

direct influence.

The direct influence of the image of the father, as a rule, occurs in families with a good “climate”, where both spouses love each other and their children. Then the daughter in the process of growing up observes this love and all its positive aspects. In this case, the image of the father is projected onto the future partner (that is, the girl subconsciously or consciously seeks a partner who is as similar as possible to her father) in order to achieve with him the same depth of feelings that her parents had.

Method of influence from the contrary.

The way the image of the father is influenced by the opposite (i.e., a woman is looking for an antipode of her father) is most often found in those families where an unfavorable atmosphere reigned (scandals, quarrels, physical abuse of a child or between spouses). In this case, the girl develops a persistent antagonism to the image of her father, and the girl is looking for a partner who is as unlike him as possible, sometimes this is projected not only on the qualities of character, but also on appearance. For example, if the father was a tall blonde, then the girl will like brunettes of medium or below average height.

Mixed mode of influence.

This method is the most common for the reason that both marital and child-parent relationships are experiencing both conflict situations and times of complete harmony. With this method of influence of the image of the father, his image is taken as a basis and corrected (this happens, as a rule, unconsciously). Those features that are positioned as positive in a girl are projected onto a future partner. The same traits that are not liked in the father are leveled. This happens in varying degrees of intensity and depth and in completely different combinations.

The influence of the image of the father in women who grew up without him.

In this case, we can say (with a certain degree of assumption) that the image of the father will be composite and formed under the influence of the media, literature, images of the fathers of those families that a woman observes during the formation of her personality. These images do not always turn out to be adequate to the realities of life, which is why sometimes such women have problems in relationships with men.

Indeed, the relationship between a daughter and her father directly affects the girl's personal life. But it is very important to be aware of this share of influence, and moreover, not only to be aware of the influence of the image of the father, but also to work through this problem internally. To begin with, try to distinguish between subjective expectations in a relationship with another man (“a father would have done this in this situation ..”), catch your feelings and understand that your companion, your partner is not your father. As a result, you will learn to distinguish and separate the image of the father from the image of the man you want to see next to you. A father must always remain a father, and your chosen one is your personal and conscious choice, your personal self-realization as a woman.

And I know what it is and how to live with it. My father was not alive, although even if he was, it is unlikely that we would communicate with him. Although there are other cases - when there is a father, but he seems to be absent. When there is no feeling of father's protection, when there is no feeling that he loves you. When the father does not care how the children live, or when the mother does not allow him to fully manifest. When the parents get divorced, and the mother forces the children to take her side. When the mother does not allow the father to participate in the upbringing of children. There are many reasons why girls become "fatherless" even with living fathers!

When I was growing up, the absence of a father in the family was nonsense. For everyone but me. In any case, that's how I felt. All dads had - sometimes "anyhow", but they were. And I didn't have. At all. It seems to me that I was the only one like this both in kindergarten and at school. And every time, with some strange pity in their eyes, they gave me coupons for free food, they whispered strangely behind my back, and some teachers even “waving their hands”, they say, what to take from me. Then I even learned to be embarrassed and ashamed of this, I was afraid of such questions, feeling somehow flawed.

Then I thought that I was no different from others. I also have two arms, two legs, I live at home with my mother, I live quite normally, but for some reason everyone feels sorry for me and my mother. All her friends were married - someone for the second time, but still. My friends had both fathers and mothers. One boy's dad was generally amazing - we all dreamed of the same, he loved to play with us when we came to visit, showed us all sorts of performances and touchingly took care of everyone.

Probably, then for the first time I thought that I did not have something important.

And then I started paying more and more attention to it. I remember who I envied the most as a child. Girls for whom dads came to kindergarten. The girls, whom dads were waiting for in the evening, were hugged and sometimes carried away in their arms. Girls who always talked only about their dads - and always with delight. Girls whose dads catered to their princesses' every whim as best they could at the time. , whom dads defended in any situation, even if the girls themselves were to blame.

There was no one to protect and admire me. Dads of my girlfriends did not notice me next to their princesses. I didn't have any grandparents either. So it was not given to me to know what it is when a man loves you with all my heart and just like that. In my understanding, the love and attention of a man had to be won by showing his abilities. Love could only be won by showing some excellent results.

Dad had other “useful properties” as well. Mom, for example, couldn't fix my bike no matter how hard she tried. Just like me, it was hard for her to drag him up the stairs to the street. When I was bullied at school, I had no one to complain to. Once my mother came and stood up for me, but henceforth I preferred to cope on my own, no matter how difficult it was. When my mother studied at the evening school, her friends sat with me, although I would like at that time not to be with strangers, but at home. But the house was empty.

It seemed to me that I was no different from other girls, but different. Very much. In many ways.

I had no experience of a man admiring me

The relationship between mother and daughter is different. Mom's love is different, more strict, more demanding.

It is the fathers who are able to show the baby that she is a princess worthy of admiration. Which does not need to change anything in itself, it is enough to remain itself.

I never felt like a princess. Therefore, I never felt my special female value.

It was very difficult for me to accept compliments, gifts - just like that. I remember how one boyfriend gave me gold earrings with emeralds - with all my heart, but I never touched them, I gave them to my mother. I did not feel like such a gift, it seemed to me that for this I would immediately owe something. At the very least, get married.

I have my script ready.

Now it’s even strange to remember, but at school I said that I didn’t want to get married, I didn’t dream of a wedding. I really wanted a child - a son. And I was going to raise him alone. Moreover, sometimes jokingly (or not jokingly) among her friends she chose his “father”. Like, let me have a son, and then you go where you went.

While my girlfriends dreamed of white dresses and romance and everything else, I dreamed of a life where I and my son would be. Just the two of us. I remember even writing some sad poems and stories about it. And it got ridiculous, one day the guy with whom we met then accidentally found out how much I want a son. And to celebrate, he began to talk about how great it is, we will get married, we will have a son. It jarred me so much - why is he climbing into my dream? Why is he already touching my son with his own hands and calling him “ours”? I remember how rudely I cut off, they say, this is only my son, you have nothing to do with it. He was in shock.

The girls at that time dreamed about how they would marry their beloved Vasya, build a house, give birth to children. But I didn’t dream, I was sure that I would give birth to at least one son and make a good career so that we would not need anything. In my plans, there was no man at all (for some reason I didn’t consider my son to be a man then).

And later, when I got married, we had a son, this scenario became more active. Quarrels began and thoughts about how good it would be for us with one son, they say, why do we need his father? Even if my husband didn’t do anything terrible (and in fact there was nothing so terrible), my brain came up with everything on its own. And circumstances that are impossible to endure, and the hardships of family life, and the ease of being alone with a child.

Personally, it took me many years to change this script in my head and my heart, stop following it, stop listening to my paranoid brain.

And learn to dream about something else - about a large complete family, where there is a wonderful husband and father, where exactly he is the most important.

I didn't feel like someone could protect me.

You know, it's a terrible feeling that there is no one to protect you. What are you now, as always. That if a man offends you, he will get away with it, because his mother will not be able to "stuff his face." What if you don't take care of yourself. Nobody cares. Never.

I remember how one of my girlfriends was abandoned by a guy in the ninth grade. There was nothing special, they were still just walking hand in hand. But when dad found out about it, he was furious. I came to school and talked to the poor boy so much that he was afraid to say something superfluous for a very long time.

Another friend of mine accidentally got pregnant, already at the institute. Then her father called the gentleman to a kitchen conversation, drove the women out of the house. And the next day, a friend, together with her future father, took the application to the registry office.

Each of them knew that if someone offended her, she just needed to complain to her dad, and he would do everything in his power to protect her. I had no one to complain to. Mom did not want to download. I had to keep in myself, digest, defend myself.

Then one of the men will say to me: “Why do you immediately attack? Why does it feel like you're always trying to protect yourself?"

What could I answer him? Only that there is no one else to protect me. Alas and ah. Feminine qualities do not flourish from this, rather, on the contrary.

Growing up, in men I was looking for a father, not a husband

Yes, girls who grow up without a dad are looking for a man for this very purpose. To find care in him, to “lean on him with your whole body” (and this is the first bell that you are looking for someone wrong), so that someone would take it in his arms, press it and not let go anywhere. Nothing complicated, right? Not much I ask, just total care, protection and the opportunity to be with him all the time as a little girl. At least somewhere in this world it should be implemented.

And then the problems begin. Because no man is able to replace our father, our need remains unsatisfied, relationships fall apart, fall apart. A man in this case will be called by all unflattering epithets, although he is not and cannot be guilty of this. He's not a dad. He's a man. And I wanted to be a husband, not a father.

I grew up too early, and it was very difficult for me to return my “Girl”

I had no other choice, I could not remain a child in those conditions. I felt responsible for my mother and for myself. There was no one to protect us. Therefore, at the age of seven, I sincerely believed that I should protect my mother - and when she was late from work, I went out to meet her, worrying that something might happen to her. It left its mark on my character. For a long time she condescendingly looked at those who know how to be capricious and jump for joy when receiving gifts. On those for whom it is natural to build eyes, clap eyelashes. I did not know how to do all this and did not understand - why? My mother never did that either, because she also had to grow up early.

The little girl inside of me was hidden so deep that no one could hurt her. Many emotions and experiences were conserved with her.

Sometimes she reappeared - most often after a bottle of beer.

I couldn't trust men

My beliefs about men were simple and in this world, unfortunately, natural. I thought that it was impossible to rely on them - and I saw a lot of evidence for this, it is strictly forbidden to trust them, because they deceive and hurt. In general, not people, but animals with horns. And by the way, it was the girl’s duty to reward them with these horns. At the very least, flirt with other men.

Do I need to say that all this did not help me in family life? Control, total control - did the husband do everything, how did he do it, why and why. A man - anyone - such distrust and control are annoying. And also - they deprive you of inspiration to do something for your lady of the heart. Yes, and I don’t want to give my heart to this lady either.

And how scary and difficult it was to give up your ideas about men, learn to trust, take risks in this place (what if he really deceives?), relax ... It was not easy and it took a very long time to go in this direction. And it is very difficult to get rid of such distrust completely. In times of crisis and difficult times, it can again “suddenly” come to visit, and then demand a permanent residence permit. It is not easy to see this "guest" in time and send it back along with the belongings. Especially when generic programs are turned on that you cannot control until you turn on your mind. And the mind cannot be turned on because of the panic that these very programs give rise to. A vicious circle - and in the end the same mistrust.

I didn’t understand at all who they were and what they were eaten with.

When I got married, I realized that I didn't know anything. I can cook a delicious lunch once, but every day is torture for me. I absolutely do not understand their needs and nature. Why, I didn’t think at all that men and women are different. That they may have different goals, objectives, qualities and needs.

And most of our quarrels with my husband happened precisely because I demanded from him as a woman (attention, care, tenderness), and at the same time - as a hero of a film (courage, heroism, generosity).

An explosive mixture was obtained, which cannot be combined in one person with all the desire. For example, I, like many mothers, wanted him to always be there, help at home and with the child, and at the same time earn enough for us to live.

Of course, this did not take into account the nature of the husband. What the hell is nature if I want like this? What difference does it make to me what you are - become what I need! Otherwise, why would I need a man - and without him I was very good. Yes, my ideas about the ideal husband were extremely far from life and from my spouse.

And I also didn’t know how to communicate with him, did for him what I myself would like, behaved the way I used to (and I used to behave strangely with men).

I did not know how to cherish my husband, appreciate him, be grateful. She did not know how to listen to him and agree with him, she argued all the time. She did not know how to ask for help, she tried to do everything on her own. At the same time, she controlled, limited, so that God forbid he did not do any “deeds”. It is easy to understand that all this did not improve the atmosphere in our family.

To be honest, sometimes I look at my luggage and what I had, and still happens in my head, and I don’t understand - how? How did it happen that I got married? It's just the mercy of the Lord that with all this we did not get divorced, although we were in the balance! With all that we both have been through, we are still together and love each other. I, a girl without a father, could not find my dad in him. I found the best husband in him. And for this I had to learn to love my father the way he was for me. And any father for his children is the best.

For the sake of my husband and sons, I had to go through so many different therapies and processes! To see your father, to give him a place, to let him into your heart. Or rather, to admit that he has been living there for a long time, and no one except him will ever take this place. It was painful and difficult. It was a long time, I periodically returned back. But it was worth it.

I'm no longer a girl without a father. I am now a girl who with all her heart loves her one and only, the best dad for her.

Despite the fact that I have never seen him and will never see him live. I found his grave - thanks to my husband for his help and support. I was there, in his homeland. Finally, I saw his photo, what he looked like. I looked into his eyes. She also looked at his parents. And it became easier for me. I have a father. Despite the fact that he is not alive, he did not raise me, I still have him. He is a part of me, whether I like it or not. Whether my mom likes it or not.

And you know, when all these processes were going on in me, it was not customary for me and my mother to talk about my father. A couple of general phrases and formulations, nothing particularly pleasant. But one day my mother called me and said:

“You know, today I had such a strange dream. I felt as if I had reconciled with your father. And I felt that you are our common daughter.

Probably, these were the most important words for me, I listened and cried. And I still remember that feeling inside. Warmth, acceptance and a broken dam. I felt like I was flooded with love.

And then I thought that sometimes - and probably very often - with their soul, children can do a lot for their parents. But not when they are trying to save and heal them. And when they want to heal themselves, when in spite of everything they go their own way, even if their parents are against it. When their hearts are opened and cleansed, it affects the parents too, whether they like it or not.

For several years now I have been living differently. Like a girl who has both a father and a mother. In heart. It gives so much strength, balances and soothes! And of course, this changes a lot - in relations with myself and with men (and there are already four beloved men around me!).