This means, of course, not only courtship at the beginning, but also building long-term relationships. Features of the character of such girls, which distinguishes them from all others. I was surprised, for example, that both girls I knew from single-parent families turned out to be completely indifferent to sweets. As I understand it, in a relationship with such a girl, one should be more patient, since it is more difficult to gain her trust.

So let's share our opinions. I would like to describe the features of such relationships, what a man needs to pay special attention to, what to especially direct his forces to. What pitfalls can be expected in marriage with such a girl? What is the negative scenario for the development of relations?

The fact is that now there are many single-parent families, and this topic may be of interest to many readers.

1. "Obviously, the key, probably, is that a girl who grew up with her father has some basic trust in male love. Even if the first love with all its maximalism is unhappy, even if a serious romance / long-term relationship / family suddenly or logically does not suddenly stopped - she has a man who has always loved her, loves and will love until her death, and this knowledge is at the level of an innate reflex. Growing up without a father, this basic trust of male love is not there. "I was already abandoned by a man when I was little and defenseless, although I didn’t do anything bad to him, I threw it away for nothing. ”And this knowledge is exactly the same at the level of a reflex acquired.

It is possible, by the way, that in the first case this reason causes a slightly easier attitude towards men, and in the second - more affectionate.

I mean, of course, a “normal” father in the usual sense, of course, they are different, a different stepfather will give the child much more than his own.
And building a long-term relationship, this difference must be borne in mind. It is impossible, I think, to say that a person is set "not to trust", he wants to, but he is very afraid and fear can be expressed in very different ways. And "mouse" and "bitch".)) "

2. "I met 3 types of women who grew up without a father:

1. An infantile man-hater. Dad is an alcoholic or simply absent, rarely seen or does not see at all. Since childhood, the mother's negative attitude towards this particular dad. She may even be happy with another husband, but she feels hatred and contempt for the girl's father. The daughter is loved and pitied either by her mother or her grandparents. Pity takes hypertrophied forms and the girl is protected from all problems and difficulties. The girl grows up as an infantile person, she is afraid and does not like men. But it stretches, in order to get rid of the excessive guardianship of the mother-grandmother. She is attracted to men. She gets married well. After some time, she begins to look for the same shortcomings in her husband that her mother and grandmother saw in men, whom she had heard about since childhood. And even if the husband has these shortcomings in a mild form, she enhances their presence at times. Turns the child against the father. I watched such a women's relay race in 4 generations. Grandmother, mother, daughter, granddaughter with the slogan: "Men cannot be trusted." Grandmother, mother, daughter were firmly convinced that men need only one thing, and having received this precious one, they thump and mess around. They sincerely wondered why these cattle were born at all.
2. With a squint. When the father is present, sometimes he helps, it seems, but in general he is an episodic father, although he didn’t break anyone’s life, so it didn’t work out for both. At the same time, mom is a strong woman, but she doesn’t particularly humiliate her husband, but simply lives on her own, as best she can. The daughter wants to get married, wants to start a family. When he comes out, he does not know how to behave, he uses the well-known model "like a mother", the husband does not like "like a mother", scandals begin. Grandmother and mother, who lived without husbands, encourage: "nothing, you will find another, you will live by yourself." That is, such a girl seems to treat men well, she wants a family, but she initially has two attitudes that interfere with her: she is looking for some unusual courageous and correct characteristics, and at the same time she thinks that if suddenly this is not ideal, then she and she can. She is not afraid of life alone, she has already observed this life in two generations.
3. And the third type: when a mother who raised a child alone did not dedicate her daughter to the details of a failed life with her father, did not destroy a bright image. And the girl, not disappointed in men and not expecting anything beyond the heroic from them, creates a normal family. She saw that her mother was missing a husband, something was missing in their family, it was missing, she was trying with all her might to make up for it. She does not have high demands, she really holds on to the relationship. True, there are distortions when one's family and husband are placed on such a pedestal that there is simply no place left for a mother in her daughter's life. The daughter blames her mother for not having a complete family and pours out all her feelings exclusively on her husband.

3. "Every little thing is important here: was there a father at least sometimes in her life, does she have a grandfather or uncle, does her mother have a new husband, from what age did she remain without a father ...

But the main thing is not even that. A woman at any age needs protection, if she is not there, she has to defend herself. If this process is not too long, then there is no reason to worry: as soon as the girl finds a man she can trust and feels a strong reliable shoulder, femininity will wake up.

But if she makes her own way from childhood, if her mother is also a model of feminism, if her father is neglected in the family, then the situation is very difficult. There is no trust, it has nothing to rely on. The word itself: "before-belief", that is, in advance, not yet knowing the result, is this how it happens? If there was a dad in childhood, then there is a memory of moments proving his care and protection. If there are no such memories, then there is nowhere to take trust. It will probably take a long time and hard to conquer it ... "

selena_19 : "Feminism has already been written about, but there may be another side. If the need for a" dad "remains, that is, he used to be, but left the family when she was still small. Such girls are often drawn to people older than themselves for 15 years or more, let's say, and well-to-do, which gives them a sense of security in life.
Moreover, everything can be fine in terms of communicating with such a man, but an intimate relationship with him can disgust her, because with "dad" - it's like incest.
There may be a guilt complex, especially if she always believed that she was the "bad girl" and that there is her fault in the absence of her father. Hence the insecure behavior, the desire to immediately obey where, in general, one could talk / discuss.

"I support about the nature of the mother, her behavior and attitude towards the absent father. This is very important. It is recommended to unobtrusively ask about this. There can be a lot of ramifications. And about men in the life of a girl, it is also very important - grandfather, brother, uncle, another husband of the mother , at what age, took part, or not, etc. How did the father leave and behave - Sunday dad, was limited to alimony - in more detail)))

As for the independent, with a bias in feminism, the mother has already been well said. In the reverse situation, there will either be two dependent nurses, or the daughter will take over the function of the mother's protector. Because of “I don’t have anyone else,” and because of a certain guilt complex in front of her too.

There is another moment - the attitude of the girl to the absent father, who left the family. In my opinion, the lack of basic (default) trust remains for life, it sits too deep, but it is not so critical when one day you already have the experience of making your own decisions, taking responsibility for them and understanding their consequences , you realize that an adult simply made such a choice of his own and had every right to make his own decision. Then you can only try to understand why he made such a choice, what influenced more, what less. And your own attitude to this situation can change in an unpredictable way))) Guilt complexes often disappear with a good analysis, as well as the desire for absolute independence. In this regard, it is also recommended to unobtrusively ask questions))). And in general - how much this is a problem for the girl herself, how she treats her.

As for the pitfalls... Yes, commitment is very important, both at the initial stage and beyond. Lack of commitment is a sore spot, do not step on it once again. However, this is a sign of an educated person - commitment. There may be painful jealousy, which is from the same self-doubt. It could be something like this: “One quit for no reason, and no matter what I do well, the other will quit anyway. Therefore, I will not do anything, let me do it myself. Whether there will be a prize is rather doubtful)) The option “I was offended, all the goats, now he owes me, but I may deign” is also common. Well, this is somehow completely without attaching the head to the body.)) "

"As you know, a girl is looking for a chosen one in something similar to her father (men to her mother). There is some kind of base in the head. There was no father - there is nothing to compare with, and this emptiness is not an acquired reflex, as susan-fox wrote ", this is precisely emptiness, lack of knowledge. And it is more difficult with this girl not because she initially expects a scam. She simply does not know how to live with a man and be a wife, this was not imprinted in her child's head. And she has to be taught , moreover, to teach breaking her existing wrong opinion about what the second half should be. And here is the problem, if the teacher does not initially get it, which is difficult with this girl, not because she is such a fool, but because she does not know how to behave ..."

Anonymous: "I know something for sure completely (I have many acquaintances and girlfriends from single-parent families):
1. A girl who grew up without a father completely copies her mother's behavior towards men. It is difficult for her to form an initial opinion about who a man is (how to behave with him, whether he should be trusted, what to expect from him, how to relate to one or another of his behavior), because. during the period of the initial laying of gender relations (in adolescence), she does not have her own experience of relationships with men ... Unless (and this is important) she does not have a grandfather / uncle / older brother.
2. A lot of girls who grew up in incomplete families experience a lack of paternal love. Therefore, a "fatherly" attitude is often expected from a man: guardianship, care, protection, instructions, responsibility, unconditional love, indulgence for their shortcomings - in short, what they did not receive from an absent father.

Andrew Frolov: "... Much depends on how poor the family was, up to which age the girl lived with her mother, and actually what the social and financial situation of the girl was at the time of meeting.

From personal experience I can say that living with the mother somewhere until 18-19 is acceptable; up to 20-23 - can be corrected; from 23 and above - clinic. Moreover, the poorer the family lived, the greater the negative imprint it left on its character and social experience.

Anonymous: "I noticed that girls who grew up without a father can be somewhat cold and contemptuous of marriage, especially if they have succeeded in life. There is a stereotype that you can expect any trouble from men. All this can be reinforced by unsuccessful relationships. In short, a pattern of behavior appears - "I am successful, strong, not like domestic chickens. Again, such girls are limited in terms of sympathy for other people. I myself notice that, in principle, I am not touched by the stories of acquaintances about family problems, fathers, children. I can listen, but I don't feel much sympathy for that, especially when they talk about problems with their fathers."

Anonymous: "My father left the family when I was about ... Mom did not speak badly about my father, but I saw how hard it was for her to raise me alone. Mom, of course, worked a lot and we saw little. Therefore, I did not share with she didn’t really talk to her, from the second grade she went to school alone, she also did her homework, she signed in the diary herself.
When a man treats me like a friend, everything is fine.
But as soon as the relationship becomes romantic-sexual in nature, everything changes dramatically.
I always keep my distance and kind of wait for him to do something bad so I can leave him.
It is also unlucky for those who are weaker than me. I immediately start to overwhelm.
To be honest, I just don’t know where to shove a man into my life. Well, there is no place for him. But societal pressure is still taking its toll. Now everyone is convinced that a woman cannot be happy without a man. But I know that it is not so. And this discrepancy in values ​​confuses me and causes confusion.
And, on the one hand, you need to change in order to start a normal family.
On the other hand, I am satisfied with myself the way I am and why should I change for the sake of someone who is not clear, without any guarantees for a happier life. Here we part with him, and it turns out that I tried so hard, in general, in vain. It is as if I have invested all my money in a risky business with a prize I do not understand. Pure adventure. "

“If you care for such a girl, then you need to be very obligatory with her: if you promised to come, come, if you don’t come, warn, call more often. If you disappear for a long time and leave the girl alone, she can call every ten minutes, make scandals upon returning, etc. .p. This should not be taken as a girl's desire to control a man, she is just afraid that another man might leave her, so she needs to know that he is with her, that everything is in order.
If you promise something and do not fulfill it, this replenishes the treasury of her distrust of men, from the overflow of which it will not take long to become a feminist:)"

I’ll add from myself: if a girl grew up without a father, and feels insecure in communicating with men, then she needs to make an adult friend for a start just to communicate. Smart, caring, understanding...

Today's article is primarily addressed to young people who are in love with a girl who grew up without a father or are just looking at her, to those who plan to build a relationship with her and ask questions about what she will be like in a relationship, how it has affected her childhood without a father. We girls often hear from wise women in life: “If you want to know a man, look at the relationship his parents have.” The conditions in which we grow up have a huge impact on the formation of personality, so I believe that the opposite is also true: if a man wants to create a serious relationship with a woman, he should learn about what happened and is happening in her family.

Also, this article is a kind of "instruction" for dealing with a girl who grew up without a father in. We, who grew up in virgin families, really want, but do not always have an idea of ​​\u200b\u200bhow it is to be with someone in a long and serious relationship. And this is the first thing you need to know about us.

1. Because of lack of a positive model of marriage and family in childhood, which we could be guided by as adults, we have to learn from our own experience and act “blindly”. Therefore, if you (the partner) keep this in mind, you will be able to perceive our and inept actions not as stupidity or cruelty, but as a lack of experience, which, by the way, we can gain with you.

   It is very important whether your passion had a different family model in childhood that influenced her. For me, such a model was the happy and strong marriage of my grandparents, with whom I spent a lot of time. At the same time, in part, I still drew my ideas about the family from books and films, where everything is often presented in an overly romanticized and detached from reality light. If you are determined to be with a girl who grew up without a father, be prepared for the fact that her ideas about marriage in whole or in part have little to do with reality.

2. The absence of a father a man who gives unconditional love, protecting and protecting his daughter, is of great importance in the life of matured women. We tend to idealize men and expect more from them than they can in principle give us - simply because we did not receive such love in childhood, and nothing can be done about it. I regularly find myself waiting for just such a “fatherly” love, even from my peers - to be taken care of, taken care of, pampered and admired simply for what I am. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. And, although in my mind I understand that a man should not love me like a father, in the depths of my soul I expect this.

   It is also important here whether there was a girl in her life another male image- brother, uncle, grandfather, who was nearby in childhood. In my case, the role of the father was partly taken over by the older brother, but it was not unconditional love, but severe male care, and to this day it is extremely important for me that my brother be proud of me, because this is how I feel that I deserved his love. They say that girls look for their father in their future husband - I partly agree with this. But, since I don’t know my father, it turns out that I strive to have nothing instead of a relationship. It would be unfortunate if not for the older brother - those who attract me have many features in common with him. In general, dear men, if you want to know what a girl who grew up without a father expects from you in a relationship, find out what male model did she learn as a child.

3. Growing up in an incomplete family, for me personally, meant with wild interest and some envy to communicate with the families of my friends, in which both parents are present, soak up the atmosphere, watch and listen, with eyes and ears open, as communication takes place in such families. The confidence that has been fixed since childhood that this way - that is, together - is much better than alone, led me to a passionate desire to be a paired "animal" - that is, to find a person to create a family, despite the fact that my mother after the divorce did not have any Serious relationships.

   On the other hand, growing up without a father, having before my eyes the example of my mother, who also, in general, lived calmly and normally without a man, gave me an understanding that I can be, live, develop and realize without a man. I want to be in a relationship, but I understand that I can live just fine without them. In some cases, this position can develop into a feminist attitude, into a firm belief that a man is not necessary for someone, but simply performs certain functions and is comfortable with him. A great influence at this moment is exerted by the mother's attitude towards the father.

   If the girl's mother often spoke about her father in a negative way, she could adopt such an attitude towards men (after all, in childhood we absorb attitudes towards the world from our parents). Most likely, this does not bode well for you, since the girl is looking everywhere for confirmation that “all men are goats”, and finds them. If the mother spoke neutrally about her father, did not scold him and did not blame him for her problems, the girl had the opportunity to form her own good attitude towards men.

4. One of the strongest imprints that growing up without a father leaves on a girl is inability to trust a man, rely on it. I faced this problem and continue to face so far - it is very difficult for me to trust men, and the fact that in reality they do not give reasons to doubt themselves does not play any role. I do not know how to rely on a man completely, how to trust him completely, because I have never done this. In this regard, in order to build relationships with girls who grew up without a father, it is very important to be obligatory and keep all your promises, even in small things. Or warn in advance that you can’t do this (it’s trite to come to a meeting). And you also need to be patient, because it can take a very long time before we begin to trust you and understand that you will not act like our father - do not leave us.

Of course, what is written in this article is rather generalizations plus my personal experience. I certainly believe that a girl from a single-parent family can show completely different personality traits and behave differently in relationships than I describe. There can be a lot of various particulars, but, in general, you now know what to expect from a relationship with such a girl.

I am a girl from a “INCOMPLETE” family. And I think that what is written in the article does not fall under me. I also went and asked other men: what am I like this ?, am I so flawed as people write here? Everyone said no... So either I'm wrong or the article is lying. To think that all the problems in a relationship are due to the fact that the girl did not have a father, for me, is sheer criticism. Every relationship has problems, sooner or later. But only fools who do not know how to admit their mistakes shift the blame onto others. Admit to yourself that you are to blame! Oh my god, no! Blame Uncle Vasya who left the family when Svetochka was 3 years old. It is his fault that my woman does not know how to behave, swears at me that I am so bad! And I'm GOOD! I'm perfect!

This is exactly how I imagine a man who thinks that all the problems in the family are because of the mythical dad who left. Remember those who lived in a complete family, are they normal? Are they perfect? No. They are the same as those who grew up without one parent. Look around, who's normal now? I can give a dozen examples of the terrible upbringing of girls who grew up in a FULL family! Who couldn't start a family. And vice versa, there are many examples where only mothers raised children and they became wonderful people and family men. Therefore, I ask you NOT to row everyone under one rake. For every example, there is an anti-example.

Hello, dear author of the article, hello, dear Alevtina. My name is Olga, I also grew up from an incomplete family - my father left when I was 3 months old, I never talked to him and never saw him. He also never inquired about me. I got acquainted with the article and with your commentary, Alevtina. I liked the article. Indeed, such psychological problems occur in a girl who grew up without a father. I also cannot but agree with Alevtina's comment - in life it happens for everyone, I agree. And a girl who grew up without a father should not doom herself to an unhappy life and advertise that I “allegedly am so unhappy, I grew up without a dad” is also, of course, not worth it. Of course, every person throughout his life path may have various kinds of problems in relationships with other people. Where without it. Every person has childhood traumas and some shortcomings. But that's what life is given to us, to overcome all our problems. And I think it’s not worth defining girls who grew up without a father into a separate group. Life is so multifaceted and unpredictable that anything can happen. This is clear. But since I grew up without a father, I am familiar with the problems that the author of the article described. Yes, this is anxiety that you will not find a person in life, this is distrust of men, and fear. And indeed there is a feeling that men's love was not enough in life. I grew up with my cousin, we are the same age. We can say that he showed me a model of behavior of a man. But, as the author of the article noted, love is an incomplete, strict concern. Yes, my brother has a character, he used to be rude to me when I was younger, this rudeness even manifested itself more often. And I agree with the author of the article, no matter what the father, but HE SHOULD BE. Though small, but the daughter should receive love from her father. I see girls who grew up with prosperous, caring fathers. And I can say, of course, I may not know all their problems, but outwardly I see that they feel more confident and everything is fine with them. Dear ladies who grew up without a father, I want to wish you not to dwell on this problem. Well, everything happens in life, what now? I wish you good friends in life and be sure to meet your companion on the path of life. Love to you, health and well-being.

THE PURE TRUTH IS WRITTEN AS IT IS!! DIRECTLY READING YOU UNDERSTAND THAT IT IS YOU ... YOUR BEHAVIOR ... YOUR THOUGHTS (((((

The article is correct, everything is correctly described! I grew up without a father who left us when I was 5 and did not help financially. He no longer showed any particular interest and participation in our life with my sister!
I grew up with the understanding that you need to deal with everything on your own, yes, there is a strong distrust of men, but now I began to understand that they are practically the same people as we are, you don’t have to expect much from them,
I wish all girls from incomplete families to find happiness!!

Thanks for the article - I also grew up in a family without a father. I was seven when he left.
I support the author in her observations.

growing up without a father is not a sentence

good evening, beauties! my story: my mother divorced my father when I was a year old, kicked me out because I took a walk, I burned with a temperature of 40 for a week until I appeared.
divorced, agreed. abortion. final break. I saw him when I was very small at the age of 5, and at 6 I deceived him 2 times, I forgave him and I don’t hold a grudge, he was young, he made a mistake with whom it doesn’t happen! I grew up in great love, mothers, grandparents, choked with love, well, of course they beat me, raised them as best they could, I love them very much, they are my family, whatever they may be, I didn’t feel the lack of a father, it was hard for my mother, she is up to 40 years, built a career, and only after 40 found her Vovochka! and happy! happy for them!
I live with my grandmother, I'm 27 years old, the relationship was very many years, broke up, the behavior model of grandparents surfaced in a relationship, loved me in spite of everything, and spoiled and endured, and forgave .. different people turned out to be, taught a lot, thanks for that , and raised very strongly self-esteem realized that the karmic connection.
and my man-fate is still ahead, I am sure that I will have a big, friendly, healthy, beautiful, rich, faithful, cheerful, positive family, children, husband, everything has its time!
I have something to do before his appearance in life! lose weight, get a new job, prove to myself that I can. It's not the absence of a father, but our attitude to this fact!
good luck, luck, great love, beauty, safe wealth, prosperity and longevity!

The article is very interesting, in many respects I agree.
I'll tell my story:
My father left the family when I was 3 or 4 years old. Although he was lounging and drinking, I loved him very much. He walked with me, told stories, talked, gave me toys.
After he left, only my mother was left of my relatives, who worked hard at 2 jobs to provide us with a normal life, because of which she was always nervous and tired.
I didn't have any male characters. Only a mother who spoke about her father with hatred and, like, from him there was only harm.
As a result, I am now 20 years old, getting a higher education, for the payment of which I work hard at work until the very night. I don’t want a family in any way, and it’s somehow awkward to communicate with men
And I still dream of my dad coming back, praising me, stroking my head and never leaving again :(
Eh

And I know what it is and how to live with it. My father was not alive, although even if he was, it is unlikely that we would communicate with him. Although there are other cases - when there is a father, but he seems to be absent. When there is no feeling of father's protection, when there is no feeling that he loves you. When the father does not care how the children live, or when the mother does not allow him to fully manifest. When the parents get divorced, and the mother forces the children to take her side. When the mother does not allow the father to participate in the upbringing of children. There are many reasons why girls become "fatherless" even with living fathers!

When I was growing up, the absence of a father in the family was nonsense. For everyone but me. In any case, that's how I felt. All dads had - sometimes "anyhow", but they were. And I didn't have. At all. It seems to me that I was the only one like this both in kindergarten and at school. And every time, with some strange pity in their eyes, they gave me coupons for free food, they whispered strangely behind my back, and some teachers even “waving their hands”, they say, what to take from me. Then I even learned to be embarrassed and ashamed of this, I was afraid of such questions, feeling somehow flawed.

Then I thought that I was no different from others. I also have two arms, two legs, I live at home with my mother, I live quite normally, but for some reason everyone feels sorry for me and my mother. All her friends were married - someone for the second time, but still. My friends had both fathers and mothers. One boy's dad was generally amazing - we all dreamed of the same, he loved to play with us when we came to visit, showed us all sorts of performances and touchingly took care of everyone.

Probably, then for the first time I thought that I did not have something important.

And then I started paying more and more attention to it. I remember who I envied the most as a child. Girls for whom dads came to kindergarten. The girls, whom dads were waiting for in the evening, were hugged and sometimes carried away in their arms. Girls who always talked only about their dads - and always with delight. Girls whose dads catered to their princesses' every whim as best they could at the time. , whom dads defended in any situation, even if the girls themselves were to blame.

There was no one to protect and admire me. Dads of my girlfriends did not notice me next to their princesses. I didn't have any grandparents either. So it was not given to me to know what it is when a man loves you with all my heart and just like that. In my understanding, the love and attention of a man had to be won by showing his abilities. Love could only be won by showing some excellent results.

Dad had other “useful properties” as well. Mom, for example, couldn't fix my bike no matter how hard she tried. Just like me, it was hard for her to drag him up the stairs to the street. When I was bullied at school, I had no one to complain to. Once my mother came and stood up for me, but henceforth I preferred to cope on my own, no matter how difficult it was. When my mother studied at the evening school, her friends sat with me, although I would like at that time not to be with strangers, but at home. But the house was empty.

It seemed to me that I was no different from other girls, but different. Very much. In many ways.

I had no experience of a man admiring me

The relationship between mother and daughter is different. Mom's love is different, more strict, more demanding.

It is the fathers who are able to show the baby that she is a princess worthy of admiration. Which does not need to change anything in itself, it is enough to remain itself.

I never felt like a princess. Therefore, I never felt my special female value.

It was very difficult for me to accept compliments, gifts - just like that. I remember how one boyfriend gave me gold earrings with emeralds - with all my heart, but I never touched them, I gave them to my mother. I did not feel like such a gift, it seemed to me that for this I would immediately owe something. At the very least, get married.

I have my script ready.

Now it’s even strange to remember, but at school I said that I didn’t want to get married, I didn’t dream of a wedding. I really wanted a child - a son. And I was going to raise him alone. Moreover, sometimes jokingly (or not jokingly) among her friends she chose his “father”. Like, let me have a son, and then you go where you went.

While my girlfriends dreamed of white dresses and romance and everything else, I dreamed of a life where I and my son would be. Just the two of us. I remember even writing some sad poems and stories about it. And it got ridiculous, one day the guy with whom we met then accidentally found out how much I want a son. And to celebrate, he began to talk about how great it is, we will get married, we will have a son. It jarred me so much - why is he climbing into my dream? Why is he already touching my son with his own hands and calling him “ours”? I remember how rudely I cut off, they say, this is only my son, you have nothing to do with it. He was in shock.

The girls at that time dreamed about how they would marry their beloved Vasya, build a house, give birth to children. But I didn’t dream, I was sure that I would give birth to at least one son and make a good career so that we would not need anything. In my plans, there was no man at all (for some reason I didn’t consider my son to be a man then).

And later, when I got married, we had a son, this scenario became more active. Quarrels began and thoughts about how good it would be for us with one son, they say, why do we need his father? Even if my husband didn’t do anything terrible (and in fact there was nothing so terrible), my brain came up with everything on its own. And circumstances that are impossible to endure, and the hardships of family life, and the ease of being alone with a child.

Personally, it took me many years to change this script in my head and my heart, stop following it, stop listening to my paranoid brain.

And learn to dream about something else - about a large complete family, where there is a wonderful husband and father, where exactly he is the most important.

I didn't feel like someone could protect me.

You know, it's a terrible feeling that there is no one to protect you. What are you now, as always. That if a man offends you, he will get away with it, because his mother will not be able to "stuff his face." What if you don't take care of yourself. Nobody cares. Never.

I remember how one of my girlfriends was abandoned by a guy in the ninth grade. There was nothing special, they were still just walking hand in hand. But when dad found out about it, he was furious. I came to school and talked to the poor boy so much that he was afraid to say something superfluous for a very long time.

Another friend of mine accidentally got pregnant, already at the institute. Then her father called the gentleman to a kitchen conversation, drove the women out of the house. And the next day, a friend, together with her future father, took the application to the registry office.

Each of them knew that if someone offended her, she just needed to complain to dad, and he would do everything in his power to protect her. I had no one to complain to. Mom did not want to download. I had to keep in myself, digest, defend myself.

Then one of the men will say to me: “Why do you immediately attack? Why does it feel like you're always trying to protect yourself?"

What could I answer him? Only that there is no one else to protect me. Alas and ah. Feminine qualities do not flourish from this, rather, on the contrary.

Growing up, in men I was looking for a father, not a husband

Yes, girls who grow up without a dad are looking for a man for this very purpose. To find care in him, to “lean on him with your whole body” (and this is the first bell that you are looking for someone wrong), so that someone would take it in his arms, press it and not let go anywhere. Nothing complicated, right? Not much I ask, just total care, protection and the opportunity to be with him all the time as a little girl. At least somewhere in this world it should be implemented.

And then the problems begin. Because no man is able to replace our father, our need remains unsatisfied, relationships fall apart, fall apart. A man in this case will be called by all unflattering epithets, although he is not and cannot be guilty of this. He's not a dad. He's a man. And I wanted to be a husband, not a father.

I grew up too early, and it was very difficult for me to return my “Girl”

I had no other choice, I could not remain a child in those conditions. I felt responsible for my mother and for myself. There was no one to protect us. Therefore, at the age of seven, I sincerely believed that I should protect my mother - and when she was late from work, I went out to meet her, worrying that something might happen to her. It left its mark on my character. For a long time she condescendingly looked at those who know how to be capricious and jump for joy when receiving gifts. On those for whom it is natural to build eyes, clap eyelashes. I did not know how to do all this and did not understand - why? My mother never did that either, because she also had to grow up early.

The little girl inside of me was hidden so deep that no one could hurt her. Many emotions and experiences were conserved with her.

Sometimes she reappeared - most often after a bottle of beer.

I couldn't trust men

My beliefs about men were simple and in this world, unfortunately, natural. I thought that it was impossible to rely on them - and I saw a lot of evidence for this, it is strictly forbidden to trust them, because they deceive and hurt. In general, not people, but animals with horns. And by the way, it was the girl’s duty to reward them with these horns. At the very least, flirt with other men.

Do I need to say that all this did not help me in family life? Control, total control - did the husband do everything, how did he do it, why and why. A man - anyone - such distrust and control are annoying. And also - they deprive you of inspiration to do something for your lady of the heart. Yes, and I don’t want to give my heart to this lady either.

And how scary and difficult it was to give up your ideas about men, learn to trust, take risks in this place (what if he really deceives?), relax ... It was not easy and it took a very long time to go in this direction. And it is very difficult to get rid of such distrust completely. In times of crisis and difficult times, it can again “suddenly” come to visit, and then demand a permanent residence permit. It is not easy to see this "guest" in time and send it back along with the belongings. Especially when generic programs are turned on that you cannot control until you turn on your mind. And the mind cannot be turned on because of the panic that these very programs give rise to. A vicious circle - and in the end the same mistrust.

I didn’t understand at all who they were and what they were eaten with.

When I got married, I realized that I didn't know anything. I can cook a delicious lunch once, but every day is torture for me. I absolutely do not understand their needs and nature. Why, I didn’t think at all that men and women are different. That they may have different goals, objectives, qualities and needs.

And most of our quarrels with my husband happened precisely because I demanded from him as a woman (attention, care, tenderness), and at the same time - as a hero of a film (courage, heroism, generosity).

An explosive mixture was obtained, which cannot be combined in one person with all the desire. For example, I, like many mothers, wanted him to always be there, help at home and with the child, and at the same time earn enough for us to live.

Of course, this did not take into account the nature of the husband. What the hell is nature if I want like this? What difference does it make to me what you are - become what I need! Otherwise, why would I need a man - and without him I was very good. Yes, my ideas about the ideal husband were extremely far from life and from my spouse.

And I also didn’t know how to communicate with him, did for him what I myself would like, behaved the way I used to (and I used to behave strangely with men).

I did not know how to cherish my husband, appreciate him, be grateful. She did not know how to listen to him and agree with him, she argued all the time. She did not know how to ask for help, she tried to do everything on her own. At the same time, she controlled, limited, so that God forbid he did not do any “deeds”. It is easy to understand that all this did not improve the atmosphere in our family.

To be honest, sometimes I look at my luggage and what I had, and still happens in my head, and I don’t understand - how? How did it happen that I got married? It's just the mercy of the Lord that with all this we did not get divorced, although we were in the balance! With all that we both have been through, we are still together and love each other. I, a girl without a father, could not find my dad in him. I found the best husband in him. And for this I had to learn to love my father the way he was for me. And any father for his children is the best.

For the sake of my husband and sons, I had to go through so many different therapies and processes! To see your father, to give him a place, to let him into your heart. Or rather, to admit that he has been living there for a long time, and no one except him will ever take this place. It was painful and difficult. It was a long time, I periodically returned back. But it was worth it.

I'm no longer a girl without a father. I am now a girl who with all her heart loves her one and only, the best dad for her.

Despite the fact that I have never seen him and will never see him live. I found his grave - thanks to my husband for his help and support. I was there, in his homeland. Finally, I saw his photo, what he looked like. I looked into his eyes. She also looked at his parents. And it became easier for me. I have a father. Despite the fact that he is not alive, he did not raise me, I still have him. He is a part of me, whether I like it or not. Whether my mom likes it or not.

And you know, when all these processes were going on in me, it was not customary for me and my mother to talk about my father. A couple of general phrases and formulations, nothing particularly pleasant. But one day my mother called me and said:

“You know, today I had such a strange dream. I felt as if I had reconciled with your father. And I felt that you are our common daughter.

Probably, these were the most important words for me, I listened and cried. And I still remember that feeling inside. Warmth, acceptance and a broken dam. I felt like I was flooded with love.

And then I thought that sometimes - and probably very often - with their soul, children can do a lot for their parents. But not when they are trying to save and heal them. And when they want to heal themselves, when in spite of everything they go their own way, even if their parents are against it. When their hearts are opened and cleansed, it affects the parents too, whether they like it or not.

For several years now I have been living differently. Like a girl who has both a father and a mother. In heart. It gives so much strength, balances and soothes! And of course, this changes a lot - in relations with myself and with men (and there are already four beloved men around me!).

In an incomplete family, a girl fantasizes a lot about what paternal love is like, but, of course, she does not receive it. The lack of priceless love that accompanies her growing up creates a distorted perception of the feelings of the people around her. This fact prevents the formation of a holistic view of herself, and gives rise to the drama of her whole life. The girl is tormented by the thought that she is flawed, because she did not get something very important in her life. Such an attitude becomes habitual and even seemingly unconscious, but every minute it is ready to flash in her mind and cause negative experiences.

K. Horney introduces the concept of neurotic need for love - an exaggerated need for emotional attachment, a positive assessment of people around, their advice, support. Why is it that a woman strives with all her might for such a relationship, and it is so difficult for her to achieve all this? This problem has many causes. According to Horney, the neurotic is not capable of love at all, but consciously does not give himself an account of this.

R. Lang explains this state by the lack of ontological autonomy. If such a person is not in the presence of other people who are interested in him, then he loses a sense of his own individuality. Lang describes a case in which a woman began to feel anxious when she was surrounded by many people who did not pay attention to her: "She could not be herself, by herself, and therefore could not be truly herself at all."

Problems of mutual understanding, feelings of loneliness are equally typical for men and women, but women verbalize this problem more easily, and more often seek advice from a psychologist. In the absence of professional help, a person may begin to move in the direction directly opposite to the designated goal.

The following case of such a substitution of life goals seems curious. At the first meeting, a 22-year-old girl, let's call her Svetlana, says in a depressed voice that it seems that her husband is leaving her. The client states that she does not want to repeat the fate of her mother: “Around me, my grandmother and her sister, my mother are all women who could not keep their husbands, I am so scared. Later they had lovers, but their real other half they never found it. I don't want to repeat the path my mother walked!"

All the information that we received from this client inclines us to recognize the dominance of the alienating identity for all its further development. The collapse of the parental family led to the fact that already in early childhood she created within herself the image of such a social space in which she could not be realized. This rigid structure will determine her future life.

At the second meeting, Svetlana confirms that her husband has moved in with his mother and is not going to return. A few weeks later, at the initiative of her husband, the marriage was officially annulled. The reason for this act for the client remained unclear. And a few months later, Svetlana finds out that her ex-husband got married. She is absolutely sure that before her husband did not have a mistress who could destroy their family. Then why did her family break up, like her parents' family? Finding an answer to this question is difficult, since we are forced to look at this situation through the eyes of Svetlana, and recreate the picture by adding up the various statements of the client: The therapeutic process looks like a journey through time and space. "When mom and dad divorced, I said to myself, I will be a good wife, my husband will never leave me." "I wanted to get married as soon as possible so as not to be alone!"

This is her vision of the problem on a conscious level, but in real behavior, she is unable to behave differently, and it seems that she makes exactly the same mistakes as her mother. But he discovers this forgery only when the chain of life events has already been built and ended in failure.

In psychotherapeutic practice, one often encounters thesis "I don't want to be like my mother", sometimes because of bad relationships that arise as a result of their own negativism, and sometimes because of the awareness of the destructiveness of maternal actions. But the generality of such a thesis does not allow the client to realize what exactly she does not like in the behavior of the mother, and what specific steps need to be taken to achieve the stated goal.

It is impossible to perceive oneself holistically, while relying on the total denial of the image of the mother. Natural reality cannot be dissected. And as a result, it will manifest itself in a feeling of evil fate, fate, predestination, which cannot be resisted. At the beginning of one session, Svetlana says: "Someone doesn't want everything to be fine with me!" It is always easier to take responsibility for what is happening, as children and weak-willed politicians usually do.

But back to the description of our client. Nature rewarded Svetlana with lush blond hair, regular features and a harmonious figure. She could well be considered a beauty, but she completely lacks female coquetry. She forbids herself this style of behavior, and condemns it in others: "I don't want to be a doll. It just infuriates me!"

Mother. Hostility towards the mother, the desire to separate from her as far as possible, not to be like her in anything, all this together does not alleviate, but only complicates the client's problem.

Usually, she talks about her mother only in connection with conflict situations. Let's try to give the reader some description of her mother, recognizing its fragmentation and one-sidedness. It is difficult to maintain objectivity, since when talking about her mother, Svetlana usually draws the image of a sort of "Baba Yaga". The specificity of our work requires acceptance of the client's feelings, in our opinion, therapeutic negativism in relation to the client's experiences is absolutely unacceptable. At the same time, if the therapist has a negative attitude towards the image of the mother, he risks losing sight of the real picture. And as a result, we run the risk of finding ourselves in a situation where the specialist helps the client to repeat the path that her mother has traveled.

The mother says about her own divorce: "I did not keep my husband well." In this remark, the meaning of the verb "hold" is not amenable to concretization, although in the future our client will repeatedly complain that she cannot keep a man. What a mysterious phenomenon "holding a man" is, it means rather not doing something (for example, mistakes) than doing. Thus, the mother takes the blame for the breakup of the family on herself, but probably does not forgive her husband’s betrayal, still treats him with resentment, and speaks negatively of him on each occasion. Scolding daughter, often says: "You are the same as your father."

But we can only talk about the fate of mother and grandmother in hindsight, so any psychological interpretation of past events only obscures the essence of the matter. Observing and classifying facts in search of logical truth, the psychologist must keep in mind that he is discussing only about the possibility of causes and events, but not about the ultimate truth.

The information reported by the client is contradictory, as is her own attitude towards her mother. The daughter believes that her mother had many admirers, but she did not want to marry a second time. In the eyes of our client, it looks like the mother herself is to blame for not being married. And the fact that her husband left Svetlana is an evil fate, forcing her, against her own will, to repeat the fate of her mother.

Her mother is a peculiar woman, so much so that she approaches pathology. This fact must be taken into account when analyzing this situation. The mother is quick-tempered, disorganized, slovenly, sometimes falls into depression. This is an unbalanced type with hysterical features. But we must admit that she honestly took care of her child, bought toys, necessary things, if possible. But at the same time, she built a very specific relationship with her own daughter. Due to the absence of a father, the daughter was entrusted with the duty of admiring her mother, as well as acting as an emotional stabilizer in the family, supporting and reassuring her own mother in difficult moments. This woman demanded complete belonging to herself, and psychologically literally absorbed her own child.

The client said that once she accidentally closed her mother on the balcony, and then for some time pretended not to hear her knocking and screams, experiencing both lightness and gloating, and when she opened the balcony door, she immediately rushed humbly to ask her mother for forgiveness. The mother personally bathed her daughter up to 15 years old, forced her to sleep with her. This trait characterizes the mother's desire to maintain a symbiotic relationship with her daughter for as long as possible. But when the mother had a contender for her husband, the daughter protested and, on the contrary, did not want to leave her bed. So the mother who selflessly raised her daughter, fiddled with her illnesses, paid for classes in an expensive sport, still looks like a kind of Baba Yaga in the eyes of her daughter.

For every occasion, her mother forced her to feel guilty, whether it was an unwashed plate or a school deuce, and each time she made her humbly ask for forgiveness. Also humiliated, Svetlana subsequently asked for forgiveness from her husband, and thought at the same time that she would not forgive him her own humiliation.

While still a little girl, she came up with either a ritual or a fantasy game. When she went to the toilet, she began to mentally close imaginary locks: “I close the valve, turn the key, lock the chain with a button and lower the folding wall” - she wanted at least in this way, if only in an imaginary way, to isolate herself from the penetrating field of her mother.

The scandalous nature and intemperance of the mother is confirmed by the fact that she often quarrels with her grandmother - her own mother - and then does not talk to her for months. In such situations, then our client begins to reproach her mother and lecture her. It is curious that if someone outside begins to criticize her mother, Svetlana can selflessly rush to her defense. When her mother-in-law called her mother a lazy person, Svetlana flared up in response: "Yes, you are not worth her little finger. My mother is a real artist, she has a solo exhibition!"

Now, living in the same apartment, both women behave mutually unrestrained. Svetlana, matured and emboldened, can admit that during another quarrel she called her mother all the bad words that she knew. Their apartment turns into a battlefield. Analyzing the mechanism of defense, which is also realized in the mental plane, we see that in this case, liberation from the psychological pressure of the mother is achieved through the manifestation of aggression.

Father. Our client was a very young girl when her father left the family. Svetlana was very upset by the divorce of her parents. She was ashamed of this and sometimes lied to her girlfriends or strangers that she had a father. And at these moments, again in her mind, an idealized image of her father arose as an indefinite man. But at the same time, a feeling of abandonment and a feeling of own uselessness arose inside her. Many children after the divorce of their parents feel inferior. These two states: abandonment and uselessness - arise in her involuntarily, at the slightest failure.

After the divorce, the father very rarely visited his daughter. Their relationship was maintained somehow through his grandmother, he did not pay alimony because of his poverty. Svetlana considers him a weak person, but despite all this, our client retains positive feelings for her father, although her mother did not miss the opportunity to emphasize once again: "He doesn't need you!" Despite this, the image of her father created by her is not only devoid of flaws, it is generally vague and devoid of specific human features, it is a phantom of a man. In the process of therapy, Svetlana comes to early sexual memories. She loved to throw off her pajamas in a child's bed, and wait for her father to come and exclaim: "Again she undressed!" and start dressing her.

Psychoanalysis indicates that the development of the girl moves from attachment to the mother in the direction of the idealization of the father. In the absence of the father, such movement does not occur, since the landmarks of movement are lost. And it turns out that the child is not able to overcome the influence of the psychological field of the mother. Even when a father scolds his wife, he thereby contributes to the separation of children from the psychological field of the mother, as it allows you to look at what is happening from a different point of view, makes you wonder if the situation is really the way the mother says. But there is another important fatherly function: the father does not have to be perfect, it is enough that at least sometimes he looks at his daughter with loving eyes, then she learns not only to call this look, but also to keep it.

Only when she became an adult did she hear an important phrase from her father: “I didn’t leave you, but that’s how the circumstances developed.” But under the circumstances, the client means her own mother - only she is to blame for all the troubles, only she was the cause of all the troubles. During a course of psychotherapy, the client visited her father. Suddenly, for a very short time, she was in the spotlight, she felt like a little girl who was squeezed and caressed, self-confidence appeared, but not for long. She was unable to use this sensation as a resource, because she immediately felt pain at the thought that she could not stay in this atmosphere.

The feeling of inferiority due to the absence of her father has persisted to this day, and, unfortunately, she resists psychotherapeutic attempts to change this attitude. Here the process of identification comes to a standstill, and no amount of her own achievements is able to ease the severity of this experience.

Husband .. In order to present a picture of the relationship with my own husband, I have to piece together the numerous and very contradictory statements of the client throughout the therapy. Even about their sexual relationship, she reports opposite things. At the beginning, as if embarrassed to talk about intimate details, she evasively replies that everything was fine with sex. Much later, she admits that she was terribly annoyed by the inappropriate punctuality of sexual intercourse: at the same time and regularly every other day. It seemed to her that the main thing should not be a calendar, but feelings, mood. It is very likely that she allowed herself to criticize her husband in bed, but this is not a fact, but only our extrapolation of her typical behavior.

I have no way of identifying her behavioral errors with her ex-husband. Probably, she herself guesses some, and tries to hide them. Her reviews of him are absolutely negative: he didn’t want to fix the water tap, he didn’t go for potatoes, on Sunday he preferred to lie on the couch. She seemed to be ashamed of him all the time. Gradually it becomes clear that when Svetlana gets angry, her anger knows no bounds, and she absolutely does not follow the vocabulary used, she only justifies herself with the words: "I am quick-tempered, but otkhodcheva." But the question is, how do others “depart” from her act?

But when her husband left, she feels completely unhappy. Repeatedly repeated that if he returned, she would be glad. But at the last meeting with him, he asks him for money, and when he is refused, he angrily tells him: "How I hate you." According to her, she tried her best to be a good wife, even quit her job. But to remember when and in what she was wrong - wrong - she fails.

The betrayal of a man always hurts a woman's self-esteem very painfully. Therefore, it is easily explainable and forgivable that she shields herself, and blames only her ex-husband for the destruction of the family. And therefore, at the beginning of our work, it is absolutely impossible to form any kind of truthful picture of what happened.

She discovers that after the divorce she became very tense in relations with men, she herself explains that she looks at them as if she must now decide if he will become her husband. Probably, having decided that the man chose her, she abruptly changes her strategy of behavior. At the beginning of therapy, she treats herself as her worst enemy, openly scolds herself at moments of failure: "How I hate myself!" She needs love to feel safe and raise her low self-esteem.

This need is inevitably accompanied by the fear of losing love. Like any fear, it pushes a woman to impulsive actions, she loses the ability to correctly assess the real situation, her behavior ceases to be adequate. Z. Freud would undoubtedly consider this a libidinal phenomenon. However, later psychoanalysts began to separate sexual phenomena from the desire to receive advice, protection, recognition. In our case, this separation is demonstrated by the client herself.

Partners. A few weeks after her divorce, she has a brief sexual partner. Svetlana explains the haste of this rapprochement by the fact that she wants to make sure that she is sexually attractive to a man. And although he was very skilled in sex, he did not seek to give our client a feeling of protection, interest and inclusion in her life, and was soon ruthlessly rejected by her for this.

The next young man who tries to woo her is in the same class as her, but she has opposite feelings at the same time. She admits that he is ready to relieve her of her feelings of loneliness at any moment. But this is not enough for her, and she does not value him. During training sessions, she seems to avoid him, showing excessive interest in other young people. At the same time, discovering that the young man has not called her for a week, she seems to miss him. Svetlana fears that he will get used to her and become attached, but she herself asks, "is it possible to kiss him?" - that is, it demonstrates a readiness for a closer relationship. Distrust of one's own taste leads to ambivalent statements: "I'm ashamed of his behavior, the way he talks to his mother, the way he talks about other people." He is accused even of the fact that he changed clothes in the gym in the presence of strangers.

Anyone who shows interest in her seems to her not good enough. And again, someone else's fiance seems better to her. She seems to be comparing it with some kind of internal standard, but what is this standard? - Maybe it's someone else's husband or someone else's father. Phantom ideas about a man do not allow her to simply fall in love with a specific person, with all his features. She doesn't just like other people's fans. It is easier for her to communicate with them. Probably the reason for such constant disharmony is the lack of self-confidence.

Her ideas about a man are superficial and sketchy. In the social stereotype, it is believed that a man should be courageous, strong, purposeful, powerful, logical, unemotional, smart, decisive. Our client is more likely to strive to demonstrate such behavior herself, and expects tenderness and care from a man. But in consequence, he will not forgive him for deviating from the stereotype. And here it reaches the highest level of disintegration. With disdain, she talks about situations when her husband, instead of fighting, tried to get away from the conflict.

By her own admission, in dealing with a man, she begins to criticize and remake her partner. She does not know how or is afraid to be a jokingly capricious child in a relationship with a man, subtly feeling to what extent she can afford a childish type of behavior, since there was no father indulging whims, and her mother forbade such actions. This common weapon of a typical woman turned out to be inaccessible to our Svetlana. She is absolutely unusual and incomprehensible to the subtleties of female behavior in relations with a man. We will not find in her the increased fragility that is usually palpable in a woman on an organic level.

The mother forced her daughter to be independent, active, taking responsibility for herself and for her mother, that is, she demanded masculine behavior from her. As a result, it turned out that the client does not know how to be a host. At the buffet, she pays for her classmate. He offers his money to spend the birthday of a new acquaintance. Noticing attention from a man, she becomes intrusive in her helpfulness. This character trait also shows up in therapy: she tries to act as a comforter even with me.

The immaturity of the client is manifested in her unwillingness to accept male flaws and love weaknesses. She is picky about clothes and the physical data of her partner. The presentable appearance of a fan is very important for such a woman. But first of all - the need to raise their self-esteem. I sometimes tell my clients: "A partner is not a diamond brooch that should decorate you, it's more like a stick that allows you to lean on it a little!" Making high demands on a man, for example, his appearance, she completely overlooks her own appearance, the inappropriateness of cosmetics, negligence, sometimes even slovenliness in clothes at our sessions.

Most of the work with Svetlana is aimed at clarifying her own characteristics and capabilities. This is the restoration of the broken process of identification. For the immaturity of ideas about oneself makes it categorically impossible to build equal relations with other people. The stereotype of communication habitual for her is the position "child - parent". She complains that her opinion is not taken into account at work: "They treat me like a 15-year-old girl!" And in today's relationship with the mother, they constantly change these roles. This is a game of "swing": who will be the first to yell at the other.

Identification. Sometimes in psychology, identification is associated not so much with deep processes as with the acceptance of a role. However, according to psychotherapists, even a temporary adoption of a role (suitable or not) may well lead to profound personality changes. Svetlana claims that in her life she always had to be independent in resolving conflicts with her peers, teachers, coach, and neighbors. According to her, the mother usually took a passive position. The girl believes that once she even found a husband for her mother, introducing them to a walk with a dog, ordered to bring him into the house, when she decided that her stepfather allowed herself to yell at her, demanded that her mother kick him out of the house.

Due to low self-esteem, the girl cannot see her mistakes in any way, she cannot dissociate herself from the situation in order to calmly look at it from the position of other participants in the interaction. But on the other hand, she is ready to repeat too often "Nobody needs me!"

At the beginning of our work, she quite often repeated that she was afraid to be alone, because no one liked her. I had to explain to her that she is a very attractive girl, who has a spectacular enough appearance to please men at first sight. She resists the role of a beautiful girl: "I don't want to be like a doll." Now she presents her problem like this: "I can captivate a man, but I can't keep him."

Although she is already 22 years old, the instinct of motherhood has not yet awakened in her. The birth of her own child is a very distant future for her. There is a lot of ambivalence in the client’s statements: “I don’t want to get married again, do laundry again, ironing. I just want someone to constantly think about me, worry.” When I mention one of her fans who is ready for this, she immediately objects: "No, not him. He's so old, everyone will think that I'm with him because of the money."

When she starts a new romance, she casually says:

"I don't want everything to be quiet and peaceful. I'll get bored."

As a psychotherapist, I wonder if, by encouraging her to some restraint and acceptable ways of expressing feelings, I am imposing on her an unnatural style of behavior for her? Trying to make her psychological portrait, we constantly discover the internal inconsistency of her motives, which stems from the inconsistency of the perception of herself as a woman. She, like a small child, is upset that she is not given gifts. But when they still give, he cannot accept them. Her mood is completely dependent on the presence of a fan. After breaking up with another young man, he reports about himself, "I'm all fallen, no." The following fact also testifies to the difficulties of identification: when asked to describe her own portrait, Svetlana replies: "But I have several of them!"

The lack of care from the father is not compensated by the mother's care, although in our case the mother tried to satisfy her daughter's vital needs as much as possible. But in contacts with the mother, our client does not learn gender-role behavior. I hint that she should spend a little more time in front of the mirror, but I meet resistance. One day I try to praise her for her attention to her appearance: "With this hairstyle you look like K *," - and I hear a sharp answer: "I don't want to be like her, and in general, no one!" This is an interesting touch. She does not want to be like not only her mother, but generally no one. Such an attitude hinders the assimilation of someone else's experience. Fearing to dissolve in another person, the girl resists acquiring the experience of confidential communication, interest in the interlocutor. At the same time, she is afraid to seem selfish and does not express her needs.

Conclusion. Let's try to sum up. The conflict in the relationship with the mother prevents the integration of one's own femininity. The image, which is built on the total denial of personality, obviously carries discreteness, because conscious qualities are always perceived fragmentarily. Often the denial of one quality can lead to a grotesque protrusion of the opposite. And then our Svetlana moves even further away from her own identity. Her mother's capriciousness leads to the fact that the client does not express her own needs, because. there is always a fear of appearing selfish.

E. Erickson believed that identification is not identification with another person, but the correlation of oneself with any category of persons or class of people. As a result of such a correlation, the social categorization of the individual and the awareness of oneself as a social subject in a given social reality take place. Our Svetlana's masculine traits of behavior help her to survive in difficult situations, but they prevent her from building warm relationships with men, from whom she expects care, warmth, empathy.

She does not want to be like her mother, as she is afraid to repeat her path. Does not learn to understand and accept the weaknesses of the person with whom he lives next to. And then she comes to an unexpected result: rejection of herself, but this surprise is such only for herself. The process of self-identification is at the very beginning. And so we move with her either in space or in time, expanding the space of her knowledge and putting things in order in her ideas about herself, about her mother and about men.

A girl growing up without a father, completely absorbed in the psychological field of her mother, does not learn to dissociate from her, from her problems, emotional states. She also quickly falls under the influence of someone else's opinion. Arguing that Svetlana's natural process of identification is disturbed, we mean by identification as one of the mechanisms of personality development. Under this set of circumstances, the objective process of separation-individuation in relations with the mother was violated.

The lack of care on the part of the father is not compensated by the mother's care, although in our case the mother tried to satisfy her daughter's vital needs as much as possible. But in contacts with her mother, our client does not learn gender-role behavior. Identification is caused by the need for social self-determination, referring oneself to any category of persons.

The identification process does not end, as a person changes throughout his life path and in adulthood, alas, it is necessary to be aware of the decrease or limitation of one's capabilities. However, the huge distance between the real and the perceived is evidence of immaturity and social infantilism.

She is not looking for a sexual partner, but fatherly warmth and care. But, in the process of building relationships, imperceptibly for himself, he begins to demonstrate masculine behavior, thereby not giving the man even a chance to prove himself. These opposing tendencies inevitably lead to conflict, which is followed every time by a break in relations. In fact, she does not love her partners, but only wants to have their love.

After listening to my interpretations, she often retorts: "No, on the contrary, I try ..." But after about a month, she can repeat them as her own conclusions. In the analysis of the internal conflict, it is necessary to identify all the components of the need for love, in a partner. Maybe this is just an attempt to protect herself from anxiety, remember she is afraid of being abandoned like her mother. At the beginning of our work, she claims that she is always inferior to everyone. She is not aware of her affective antics. Around the sixtieth session, she unexpectedly asks me to characterize her and agrees that she is too hot-tempered,

Gradually, she becomes able to see positive traits in her own mother. As if the reasons for conflicts between women are disappearing somewhere. The time periods lived without quarrels with the mother are lengthening. She herself made the same repair, because of which she quarreled with her husband. Creating comfort in her apartment, she also organizes her inner world. Rarely, nervous outbursts occur. But the improvement is extremely slow, and the breaks in therapy caused by the holidays again throw her far back.

If many years ago her father could look into the future and fully appreciate how much his little daughter needs him, then he would certainly have been able to suppress his emotional outbursts, and in spite of everything he would have remained in the family to protect and warm the one who needs it so much.

Axiology described all the most important life values. And any adult, of course, heard about each of them. But these values ​​seemed to be lying around, littered among false slogans and erroneous guidelines. And we are forced to fill ourselves with bumps in the search for the right paths, and only on the basis of our own experiences, sufferings and upheavals, turn philosophical values ​​into our own life guidelines. Psychotherapy does not invent anything new. Scrupulously and boringly, she is always engaged in valuable enlightenment. Various psychotherapeutic schools only open up new metaphors. The goal is the same for everyone - to reach out to the wandering consciousness of the client.

Literature

1. Lang R. Split "I". - M., 1995.
2. Pukhova T.I. Ф - the last letter // Journal of Practical Psychology. 1999. No. 5-6
3. Horney K. Women's psychology. - St. Petersburg, 1993.
4. Erickson E. Identity: youth and crisis. - M.: Progress, 1996.
original http://psyjournal.ru/psyjournal/articles/detail.php?ID=2860