The little boy has grown. He was there all his adult life, because he was born to a very young mother and became a continuation of the puppet game. They seemed to grow up together. Now he is twenty, he wants to live separately and he has a girlfriend.

Mom is clearly not ready. She discusses with her mother, the grandmother of the chick flying out of the nest, about what the baby will eat, how to pay the rent and whether the girl will leave college in the light of the girl.

She takes care of him and cannot understand that the girl is now more important to him than all his grandmother's and mother's care. He has love and all everyday problems seem to him an annoying trifle.

But the boy is working, the boy is studying and does not want to "hang around his neck." Phlegmatic, he unexpectedly developed a vigorous activity on the arrangement of "his own life." Mom thinks that her time has passed, and she is losing her son.

This is where the moment of truth comes in. Mom should accept the fact that the son is a man and should not be a "mama's son". A life full of joys and disappointments, love, happiness and everything else awaits him. But this, no matter how trite, is his life.

Many mothers never come to terms with this. “Mom has lived her life, son, she will live yours too,” says the heroine of the television show. This is, of course, satire. But this remark is the quintessence of the relationship of some mothers with their adult sons.

Do not think that only single mothers behave this way, for whom the only son is the light in the window. Many mothers have a husband and younger children, but mother's love, or rather, selfishness and imperiousness require you to keep your son under control.

I always want to ask - where are those daughters-in-law who cried from their mother-in-law's insults? Where did they go? They must understand how difficult it is for a young woman to fight a shark, which very often wins in this unequal battle. Yes, here they are. They are deploying the front of the struggle for their sons. And history repeats itself.

The most difficult thing for such a mother is to understand that her child is no longer a child. Interference in his life is unacceptable. Even a girl (oh ... a girl, there is always something wrong with her) is his choice. Mom has no right to criticize and comment on her shortcomings. In general, all questions related to family life son, ranging from "bad lunch" and ending with "daughter-in-law's sleep until noon," should be outside the influence of the mother.

Mom needs to instill in her son that only a man can settle the eternal conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, convincing both women that mother and wife are equally dear to him.

Mom should be a friend. The time of the carrot and carrot is over. Now mom has no right to bring up her son as she used to for many years. She can be an advisor, a support in difficult situations, a rear. Well, you understand what kind of relationship with mom adults have.

The little boy has grown up, but my mother shouldn't worry that he leaves. This is right. She needs to be glad that she raised her son well, and he is not afraid of difficulties and responsibility. He will build his own life.

Mom, like all mothers in the world, wants her son to be happy, and she can only say:

Fly my boy, I let you go ... ..

Let me go, mom ...

“People are sincerely mistaken, thinking that they love, but in fact they become dependent on the desire to possess another person. It's like saying, "I love you as long as you are with me, but if you leave, I will hate you." This is not love"... Jorge Bucay

In this article, I will try to convey the feelings of young people regarding relationships with mothers. But first there will be a little introduction ...

There is no bond stronger than a mother-child bond.
Once physically bound by one umbilical cord, they sometimes in real life cannot psychologically assume a role other than that which was prepared by nature - mother and child.

Why does a person become unhappy as he gets older?
There are various reasons for this, but the most significant and important is the inability to cope with life on their own, the inability to realize their natural potential.

Who is mom in the eyes of humanity?

- She protects;
- She cares;
- She supports;
- She loves;
- She educates;
- She teaches;
- She sets an example;
- She helps to solve difficulties and problems;
- She is ready to sacrifice her life for the sake of her child.

This is the ideal. There are other mothers who, on the contrary, do not love and do not care, but this does not make them less important to children.

Let's think now: Who needs the functions that I have listed above (I agree that this is only a small part)?
True, they are needed by a small child when he is helpless and in a developmental stage.
If a mother has wisdom (and everyone has that, some just do not listen to themselves), then she will intuitively understand that at different stages of a child's life her participation and intensity of presence is different.

When the child is still small, he needs more attention and support, but when he grows up, the role of the mother changes, and the son or daughter is given more and more freedom to choose.

This is especially true for sons.
I think you will agree with me that modern society is becoming more and more infantile: men at 25, 30, 40 are still with their mother, and girls are taking the "baton" from the hands of mothers and continue "education" ...

In this state of affairs, a deep conflict is hidden, which, perhaps, is located on a large scale in the collective unconscious of a society of people.

All religions extol the role of the mother in human life and condemn dislike and coldness towards her.

The kid sees in his mother the Ideal, the infallible Truth and Justice, and he does not have a shadow of doubt that the mother may be wrong in this or that situation: the mother needs to be loved and listened to….
This is a law for a child.

But human nature is such (and this is also in human nature, in the unconscious) that sooner or later a grown-up boy or girl becomes closely next to his mother.

And this is where the conflict begins: "How is it that you need to love your mother, but I want to be away from her?"

Social stereotypes also indicate the opposite: everywhere "advertised" close connection and love for the mother, physical intimacy (in an embrace with mom). Thinking about yourself is bad, being selfish is even worse.
It is difficult for a growing child to understand that loving and being close is not always the same thing. And it is difficult to comprehend that selfishness and the natural desire for one's own happiness are not the same thing.

In ancient texts it is written that after 5 years of age a boy must be taken from his mother so that he grows up as a Man. To develop his courage, stamina, boldness, Will, ability to enter into real life, you need a harsh male society, not a kind and all-forgiving female heart ...

It is not women who are to blame for the fact that today no one takes their sons away from them to nurture the Spirit of Man in them; civilization has done its damage to the psychology of the development of the sexes.

All human experience is stored in each of us in the form of genetic memory.
And therefore, every boy within himself knows that he must separate from his mother in order to become a Man.

He knows, but this feeling of guilt, generated by the conflict (mother needs to be loved, which is equivalent to “being close”) sometimes does not allow taking a step towards breaking the “psychological umbilical cord”.

The matter is aggravated by the fact that some mothers DO NOT WANT TO RELEASE CHILDREN FROM THEMSELVES ...

METHODS OF "RETENTION" CAN BE DIFFERENT:

- Mother's care in illness;
- Complaints that the son or daughter is insensitive;
- A constant desire to "help" an adult child, thereby making him helpless;
- The ubiquitous "custody";
- Imposing on your son or daughter your fears and fears: "How are you without me?"
- Suggestion that the son or daughter is bad;
- Complaints that a son or daughter is not capable of anything;
- Depressive state of the mother;
- Material help….

The list goes on, but I'll stop there.

And even if sometimes adult children still manage to physically begin to live separately from their mother, psychologically (it also happens!) Until death she "vigilantly accompanies" an adult son or daughter through life ... There are cases when even after death the mother is "invisible" is present and guides the existence of children.
There is such a term in psychology "Learned helplessness." Most often, due to such excessive care, the child grows up physically, but mentally he remains thus helpless and unable to independently build his life as a person ...

And then the internal conflict is even "smoothed out": the son or daughter does nothing to separate from the mother and slowly regress ...

And what about those adult children who would like to separate, but their conscience does not give them?
They suffer, they really suffer, and here the conflict manifests itself in all its glory: on the one hand, "How can I leave my mother?", And on the other: "I don't want and can't see you anymore!"

People often consider themselves omnipotent and arrogant, they think that they can easily cope without a psychologist.

Of course, if you judge other areas of life, then somehow you can get out of the situation (for example, ask a friend to get a job or get medical assistance from a surgeon or therapist).

But as for the Mental (mental) life, such methods as self-help or talking with a girlfriend or friend do not work ...

No wonder that in order to become a professional, a psychologist himself needs to go through hundreds of hours of psychotherapy, master knowledge and skills, and then, until the end of his professional life, improve his qualifications and engage in personal and spiritual growth.

It is through such professional help and changes occur in the client: in the course of therapy, the psychologist helps him turn to shame and guilt, on the one hand, and anger at the mother, on the other.

In the course of work, the internal conflict gradually changes its shape and transforms: an adult son or daughter gradually begins to understand and feel that they are separate individuals who have the right to their own life and the right to take care of their parents.

Thinking, consciousness is changing, the vision of the World as a whole is expanding, and all this in total gives new opportunities to live differently, see perspectives and not fall into despair at any difficulty.

Relations with parents also change: they become warmer and less dependent; there is a desire to understand and respect the mother's fears without feeling guilty for them.

The separation of young people from parental "patronage" is necessary in order to learn to stand firmly and without anyone's support on Earth, to gain responsibility and independence, to develop an inner center that will be a support in any bad weather of life.

But separation is even more important in order to pass on inner strength and mental health to your future offspring, and not complexes and fears.

Just know: what you have not worked in yourself (guilt, resentment, complexes, fears, insecurity, doubts), you will pass on to your children.

I wish you every success on your journey to Adulthood!

This condition is called empty nest syndrome. When a child leaves home - marries, rents an apartment, finds work in another city - parents often feel confused and alone. Many do not understand how to live on. They are used to the fact that everything revolves around their beloved child: his occupations, interests, sores, successes and failures ... And then - bam, and everything changes dramatically. The heir no longer needs custody. Moreover, he strives in every possible way to get rid of it. For parents, this becomes a real shock.

Abandoned parents

It is especially difficult for families in which everything was held only by the child: the parents had serious disagreements, but for the sake of the peace of the child, they decided to stay together. And now the old problems have come out. And new ones were added to them. After all, it was the heir who cemented the family. And now everything fell apart like a house of cards. The stage of separation from the child is not an easy test for single mothers. Many of them have dedicated their entire lives to children. They saved on themselves, if only the kid was not worse than others - he had expensive gadgets, dressed fashionably, studied at a prestigious university. And when the child left the mother's home, such women feel abandoned and unnecessary. However, even happy married couples feel lonely and abandoned. Indeed, despite mutual love and common interests, the most important thing is not there - the beloved child is nearby.

Others are added to these mental rumblings. Most of the "abandoned" parents are between the ages of 40-50, when the notorious midlife crisis occurs. Many are tormented by the thought that life could have been better, that the next person is not the one or the wrong one, that before it’s too late, we must try to change everything. This is superimposed on the fear of approaching old age, the fear of being left without care and attention from the child, and a state of eternal anxiety for his life and health arises: “Who will meet his daughter late in the evening now?”, “The son, probably, lives on dry food. And he has gastritis! " All this reinforces the decadent mood.

Keep out!

In this situation, some parents out of despair just cling to the heir: they stand guard at the office door, come without an invitation to visit (“And I baked you some pies!”), Call a hundred times a day. In a word, they remind of themselves in every possible way. However, psychologists believe that such an obsession will not lead to anything good. The more moms and dads try to "grow" into sons or daughters, the stronger will be the rejection from the children. Therefore, no matter how difficult it is, you need to let the child go adult life... After all, leaving the parental home is a normal part of growing up. Don't take it as a tragedy. Soon the heir will have children of his own, and then he will surely "throw" them to the "old people" (and they love grandchildren even more than children). A new life cycle will begin, and it also promises to be interesting! So instead of ruining yourself with negative experiences, try to make the most of your well-deserved rest. So that you have enough strength for the next generation of your family.

Time for yourself

While you have a break, take some time for yourself.

Take care of your health. Get tested by patching up vulnerabilities.

Bring fresh air into life. Change jobs, start your own business, come up with a hobby (foreign language, dancing, fitness, painting, hitchhiking - whatever). This will not only distract from sad thoughts, but also push you towards further development.

Develop common interests with your husband. If not, come up with one. You can always find the intersection points if you want.

Get a pet. This will at least partially satisfy the need for someone to take care of.

Children grow up, and custody of them should take on a different character, not be intrusive. It is important for parents not to succumb to the "abandoned nest syndrome" and learn to let go of adult children.

Psychologist, trauma therapist, emdr specialist Yekaterina Gabriel tells how to do this, reports WoMo.ua.

Adults, but not autonomous
Just imagine a situation - an adult man or woman continues to live with their parents, finding many reasons for this. They still depend on the emotional reactions of the parents (most likely, the mother) when it is uncomfortable or scary to say, to confess something. Adult woman may continue to be afraid to tell his mother that he smokes, and an adult son will not admit that he spent “a lot of money” on some “unnecessary”, in the opinion of the parents, a thing. And of course, one could say that this is only the responsibility of an adult man / woman, this is his / her choice and decision. But not everything is so simple. Let's try to consider the other side of the question: why is it so difficult for parents to let their children go into independent life?

I think the first reason is fear. Fear is the basis that includes all defense mechanisms and, as a result, parents continue to consciously or unconsciously keep their children with them. And children, in this case, cannot tear themselves away from mom and dad. Even when you can physically live separately, you emotionally always feel dependent on opinions, moods, decisions, parental approval. But if children can successfully solve the problem of growing up in a psychotherapist's studio, then what should parents do? Of course, there is no exact recipe, and the answer should be sought in the analysis of mistakes made by parents who try not to let the child go into the "adult and scary" world.

Fear and anxiety
Our psyche and brain work in such a way as to protect us from suffering and danger. Fear is a normal and natural reaction to dangerous situations and events. There is an irritant - a reaction. This danger response is usually short-lived. When fear and anxiety are constantly pursuing, then we feel tremendous tension and feel like a bare nerve.

As a result, the person will try to do everything to relieve this tension. What do parents and children have to do with it? A direct connection is hidden here: for a mother and a father, a child is the most precious thing. Of course, it's okay to worry about your baby. Often, when parents find it difficult to cope with their own fears for the child, the best way out of this situation is the constant presence of the child nearby (this is the root of overprotection). As one of my teachers in child psychiatry used to say: "The exit point of a parent's anxiety is their child."

But what to do if your "baby" is not so small already, and you continue to worry and fear for him further and further? On the one hand, parents are genuinely worried about their children, their control has good intentions, but are they doing good for the children or looking for good for themselves? If you want to do something really good for the kids, then you need to let them go. Of course, children will definitely get a cuff from life. But only because of the crisis, because of the resolution of personal problems and the search for solutions, they will be able to receive the much-desired autonomy.

Distrust of the strength and personality of the child
It's simple - the parents (again, not always consciously) devalue the child's attempts to gain autonomy. Well, mom and dad do not believe that such a sensitive, inept, dependent, gullible 20-year-old kid "will be able to make some decisions!"

In psychology, there is such a concept as "learned helplessness" (most often develops in the elderly and children) - this is when relatively independent people who are able to act at their discretion, there is a feeling of a vicious circle and an unwillingness to act so as not to accidentally fall into trouble.

Usually, such people have more active partners in a pair who will do everything possible to help out, help and save (all from the same good intentions). What's wrong with that? And the fact that in the future parents will continue to "in an amicable way" to help and solve the problems of children. As a result, children feel powerless in front of such a "terrible and the big world"and await salvation. In fact, in the future, in their conscious life, such people will feel the loss of a sense of freedom and control over their personal life. And, returning to fear: I always say that fear is the price for change. But change - this is exactly what leads us to dreams and goals.