Each of the parents is in a situation when it is necessary to decide whether to make a remark, to call someone else's child to order and discipline in the case when their own parents are inactive, or they are not around at the moment.

"Is it necessary to intervene and calm this tomboy?" - adults think. At the same time, you know perfectly well how to call your child to discipline, but using your own methods, you can cross the boundaries of what is permissible.

Problem number 1. You are with other parents and children in the playground. Your toddler is playing with a toy, and another child comes up to him and tries to take the toy away. His mom doesn't react to this in any way. Should you call the bully to order?

Solution. It will not be bad if you allow the children to resolve their conflict together. This will allow children to learn how to solve their problems on their own at an early age. But it is worth intervening if the other child is larger and older, and the skirmish can escalate into a fight. In this situation, stand between the children and invite them to play together or take turns. If that doesn't work, encourage them to play apart to keep the peace.

Problem number 2. You and your toddler are in the playground, and the older child is trying to drag the younger into a fight. Parents are not nearby. Should you discipline someone else's child?

Solution. Parents always understand what can cause injury or accident. And if you feel that the actions of another child are aimed at causing harm, then command in a loud general's voice "Stop!" or "Don't fight!" This is enough to attract attention and distract the guys from what is happening. If this does not help, then you can take your baby to another part of the playground away from the bully, or ask the bully where his mother is in order to tell her about what is happening.

Problem number 3. You saw how someone's child pushed yours to the ground, and he fell. However, it is not noticeable that the abuser's mother was in a hurry to reprimand her offspring. Should you influence her child?

Solution. It is always worth paying attention to aggressive behavior. Step into the situation and ask the bully where his parents are. In a crowded playground, children are not always in the sight of their mothers, so parents may not see or know that their children are misbehaving.

Problem number 4. Friends brought their child to visit and asked you to look after him for a couple of hours. The child behaves disobediently and is capricious, for example, does not want to wash his hands before dinner or, sitting at the table while eating, switches TV channels. Your child listens to you, but the stranger ignores all comments. Should you make a suggestion to the naughty one?

Solution. Before you agree to babysit someone else's child, even if he is from your closest friend's family, be sure to establish some basic rules of discipline. Find out if the parents themselves are indulging the child's bad behavior, if they have methods of punishment. Oftentimes, mum and dad want their children to be disciplined in the same way as in their home.

You should agree in advance with your friends on the methods of their upbringing that you can apply in communication with the child, or those that you use in your own practice. This will help you better control the situation when the baby is in your home, and will not allow conflict with the parents.

Problem number 5. Family friends with your son at your home at your child's birthday party. The boy does not want to say "please" and "thank you" even in the presence of his mother. Should you reprimand an ill-mannered boy?

Solution. It is incredibly difficult to keep our mouths shut when parents openly ignore an obvious problem with their child. Instead of raising a child in the presence of his parents, just show more attention and friendliness to children who can say the words "thank you" and "please." Thus, you will not overstep the boundaries of what is permissible, and your smile and praise are the best way to start resisting ignorance.

Problem number 6. Your child patiently stands in line, while the other at this time shamelessly wedges in front. Should you chide the impudent one?

Solution. This awkward moment, when the mothers and fathers of other children see that someone else's child is showing miracles of bad manners, and expect that one of the naughty parents is about to appear from the crowd, make him an inspiration in a stern voice and apologize to the others. And if such a moment does not come? In this case, it makes sense to approach the child and explain that he is wrong, and he should stand at the end of the line.

Some children are rude because they were not taught to communicate in a different way, and some behave rudely, as they feel complete impunity in the absence of their parents. In the latter case, it is always better to intervene and calmly point out to the child that he is wrong, in the future this will only cause understanding and approval from his parents.

It happens that we are faced with a situation where other people's children behave worse than ever. At such moments, a whole catastrophe occurs in my head: to make a remark or keep silent so that there is no conflict with the parents of a disobedient child.

However, sometimes there is no choice and you still have to make a remark. But, the question of how to avoid disagreements with the parents of the prankster in the future remains open. Here are 6 rules that will help you not only lay siege to the robber, but also prevent a quarrel with his parents!

1. Talk to the parents of the prankster!

Always try to solve this problem with your parents. Explain to adults that their child has behaved inappropriately, and ask to talk to him so that this problem does not arise in the future. The main thing is to be as discreet and fair in the conversation as possible.

2. We do not scold, but we defend the rights of our child!

Never explain to someone else's child what can and cannot be done. Your child's best interests should be your main argument. Therefore, instead of the words "Stop throwing dirt!", Tell the robber "I do not allow you to throw dirt at my son!" Thus, your remark will be fair, because you are only protecting your child.

3. No assessments of the behavior of someone else's child!

Nobody has the right to evaluate the behavior of other people's children, especially to announce it in a public place. However, there always remains an inviolable right to defend your comfort. Try instead of the words "Take your backpack!", Use "Be careful, please, you touch me with a backpack!" At the same time, try to show not aggression, but friendliness.

4. Be polite!

Before giving a comment, think about what exactly you want - to get the prankster to stop being naughty, or just yell at the child. Any harsh word in his direction can only worsen the situation, as he wants to do more dirty tricks in order to take revenge on the offender. The best option is to be confident but friendly.

5. Do not violate the boundaries of what is permitted!

As much as the child annoys you, never comment on him while he is crying. Leave this problem to his parents. Also, never talk about the parents and their child in the third person when they are around. In any case, if moms and dads cannot cope with the child, then only they should correct this situation. It doesn't matter how long it takes.

6. Be adequate when addressing the parents of a prankster!

If your appeal about the child's bad behavior was heard the first time, then close this topic. But if the parents continue to be inactive, then ask again politely about your request. For example, instead of the phrase “Your child takes the ball away from my son again!”, Say “Your baby is upset again that I am not giving him our ball!”.

As much as you would like to immediately stop the bad behavior of someone else's child, try to remember that the adult is you. Therefore, all responsibility for solving the problem lies with you.

If every adult adheres to these rules, then all the children of the world will not only learn to solve any problem without aggression, but will also grow up to be more balanced and just people.

Ecology of life. Children: Whether to make comments at all to other people's children is a difficult and very controversial question. But there are some general rules ...

6 rules of courtesy

Whether to make remarks at all to other people's children is a difficult and very controversial question. But there are some general rules. In fact these rules are about good breeding and politeness.

General rule number one

Parents deal with children.

There are exceptions to this rule, no matter how hard you try to be correct:

• someone else's child offends your child,
• someone else's child takes your toys without permission,
• the parents of someone else's child do not react or they are not visible - and you are forced to intervene.

How?

General rule number two

We do not raise other people's children, we mark the boundaries of what is permissible in relation to our child and our right to our toys, things, gadgets.

How it looks (sounds) in practice.

• Not "don't push," but "I won't let you push my girl," or "please don't push my girl."
• Not “don’t touch!”, But “this is our scooter, I don’t allow you to take it,” or “this is our scooter, before you take it, please ask Masha for permission.”

We do not bring up other people's children, we establish (control) the rules of the game.

• Not "don't take the scooter away from Masha!"
• Do not "give Masha the scooter", but "now is the car's turn to ride," and hold the scooter firmly.

Why is it important to intervene in childhood conflicts (especially toddler ones)?

Psychologist Irina Katin-Yartseva says:

"The rules of peaceful coexistence, the rules of politeness appeared in mankind not in a year or two, this is the fruit of a thousand-year experience of trial and error. It is unlikely that any of us deliberately wants to neglect this experience and raise children like little savages.

Therefore, our task and responsibility as adults is to teach children acceptable in society, civilized ways of communication and conflict resolution. And by intervening in children's quarrels, we show them a model of correct interaction. "

General rule number three

We do not assess the child's behavior, we ask him not to cause discomfort to other people (us).

• Not "don't swing your legs, it's ugly" and even more so don't "sit up straight, girls shouldn't swing your legs", but "please, be careful, you hit me with your feet."

If someone else's child interferes with you, for example, dangles its legs on the bus and bumps you - do not "don't kick" or "don't dangle your feet", but "please don't kick me."

General rule number four

Politeness.

Confident but friendly tone. We do not scold someone else's child, we ask him not to interfere with us. Politeness will also help not to turn the child's parents against themselves. And it will not cause a sharp protest against you from the child himself.

Children learn social interaction from adults. Respect your baby, and when he grows up, he will respect you when you get old. Do not yell at someone else's child, and he will not yell at yours.

General rule number five

What not to do:

1. You can not make comments when the child is crying. No matter how uncomfortable it may cause you, your parents will figure it out on their own. No matter how it seems to you that your parents are not doing it, the parents will figure it out for themselves. Only parents know why the child is crying, why the child does not stop crying and what to do to make the child stop crying.

2. Be familiar with the child."Why are you fighting", "Why are you crying" - this is familiarity. And for children, it is just as offensive as for adults, but the child, due to age and subordination, cannot adequately respond to you and protect his boundaries, which you violate with the form of address, abruptly entering the close circle of the child.

3. Discuss the behavior of the child and his parents in the third person with the child and the parents. This is an unacceptable violation of the personal boundaries of the child and the parents. It is clear that you are angry and you want to "take revenge", but refrain, do not sink to the market level.

General rule number six

Treat your parents without blame, without being rude.

Acceptable forms:

"Be so kind as to intervene, your little one is upset that I am not giving him our scooter."

- "It seems like a quarrel is brewing in the sandbox. Is your child there?"

- "Sorry, could you hold the baby's legs?"

- "Please help me arrange the line for the slide."

And if the parents asked for forgiveness for their baby and intervened in the situation, you should not continue the conversation. published. If you have any questions on this topic, ask them to the specialists and readers of our project .

RIGHT parenting

The situation in which strangers make a remark to a child is familiar to almost all parents. We asked psychologists and child education specialists how to respond to such remarks so as not to harm the baby and not get involved in a conflict with a stranger.

Olga Shchedrinskaya

family and child psychologist, employee of the Institute for Integrative Family Therapy

In our culture, unsolicited advice and remarks to strangers, primarily children and their parents, are very common. Both adults and children perceive such actions as intrusion on their personal territory, they feel irritated and angry, and some - anxiety and guilt. When a stranger adult expresses his opinion about the child's behavior, he demonstrates doubts about the presence of sufficient authority and level of competence of the parents. The one who makes the remark finds himself in the position of an expert and as if trying to take over the functions of raising a child.

But it happens that a stranger is forced to take on these functions. This happens when the parents, for some reason, cannot or do not want to react at the moment when the child's behavior is dangerous for him or those around him. The purpose of the remark in this case is to prevent the threat, protect, stop unsafe behavior. If a child with his behavior interferes with someone around him or does not behave in accordance with the rules accepted for a public place - for example, speaks loudly during a theatrical performance, pushes or stains someone's clothes with boots in transport - the remark of an outsider is intended to protect your own comfort or the comfort of others.

In the cases described, the harm from an uninvited violation of the personal boundaries of the parent and the child can be balanced by the conditional benefits for the child or others. In all other cases - when the child behaves according to age and social situation, and this behavior is not dangerous and is not an obvious hindrance to an outsider - parents have the right to protect personal boundaries, their authority, lifestyle and parenting methods.

Unsolicited advice and comments are often a source of stress for parents. One of the challenges is to learn how to respond to such criticism and protect your borders, avoiding conflict and discussion. In order to calmly and evenly respond to comments, it is important to achieve a certain level of self-confidence and parental competence. This is facilitated by the coherence in matters of parenting in a pair of parents (when the partners agree with each other methods of education and support each other's ideas) and a sufficient amount of knowledge and experience. Oftentimes, advice and guidance is given by others with the best of intentions, especially when the child's behavior might be perceived as unsafe. Sometimes it is enough to politely thank the advisor and no longer continue the communication.

When unsolicited advice or comments relate to health issues, age characteristics or appearance, it is appropriate to politely but firmly say that only his parents are involved in the upbringing and development of this child and they do not need any advice from strangers at the moment. It is important to remember that many comments are made by people who do not have education or special knowledge in child psychology, pedagogy and medicine. It follows from this that their opinion may be wrong, and you do not have to prove to them that you are right. Sometimes the easiest way is to physically break contact - step aside, turn away - than wasting time and energy arguing with strangers.

Children over the age of four should briefly and calmly explain why the parents reacted in one way or another to the comment of an outsider, especially if the children ask questions about this topic.

Yulia Guseva

psychologist, expert of the community "Montessori.Children"

The remarks of an outsider are fundamentally different from those of the parents. And it's not just about the content, which may or may not be fair. Such remarks can seriously injure the child and disrupt his relationship with parents, undermine trust in the family. This is especially true for children over three years old. For young children - up to about three years old - the assessments of an outsider are not yet very significant. The situation is different with children of preschool and school age. If mom or dad allowed another adult to scold or scold the child, he may decide that the parents did not intercede for him and will not intercede in the future. The consequence of this can be a decrease in self-esteem, the appearance of self-doubt and anxiety. Therefore, you do not need to take the side of the one who makes the remark and join in the attacks on the child.

What exactly should parents do? Whether the comment is fair or not, you should be grateful for it. If the child is really to blame, you can add an apology and move away with the child. Under no circumstances start scolding your child in front of strangers. If he is to blame, reprimand him in private, explain what he was wrong about and what is best to do in such situations. If, in your opinion, the remark is unfair, you can draw the child's attention to the fact that all people are different, and what one likes may not like others.
If you think the remark is unfair, tell your child about it, emphasize that you think wrong.

Does it make sense to discuss something with the one who made the comment? I don't think it will be of any benefit to you or the child. The one who made the remark is often annoyed, ready to argue. Do you need this dispute? If you feel the need to protect your child in public, do it correctly.

Yaroslav Panasov

Montessori teacher, head of the Montessori Center "Happy Child"

If a stranger makes a remark, then he has a reason for it. Most likely, he feels a sense of responsibility for what is happening and decided to inform you about it. If what is happening does not affect the well-being of your child or others, thank him for his participation and let him know that you are in control and there is no cause for concern.
And the stranger will proceed further.

If, nevertheless, your child disturbs someone's peace or causes inconvenience to others, if not even harm, stop him immediately and apologize. If you missed what was happening, it would be useful to thank for your attentiveness, especially if the stranger saw what was happening before you.

Whether there is a risk of harm to your child or to someone else is up to you to decide. This is your responsibility.
And in order not to indulge in a dispute and search for the guilty, one should be guided by the norms and rules of behavior in society. The basic rules are quite simple: do not harm yourself, others, and also do not harm the surrounding space.

After you have stopped the child, it is important to show the stranger that you heard him. A simple "thank you" will let him know that you have taken responsibility for yourself. If at the same time the child continues to do what he was doing, the stranger is likely to think that he was "politely sent", and the further development of events will depend on the temperaments of the parties to the conflict.

Now imagine yourself as a child for a second. Your thoughts are pure and you are full of enthusiasm. Children always have an idea that captures them, and they give it completely. And suddenly your mom or dad stops you. You will at least need an explanation of the reason for the interference. Therefore, it is very important to explain to the child what caused the comment and why you agree with the stranger. But that's not all. If the child is upset, you should tell him how to implement his idea through socially acceptable action. For example: "We will go with you to play where it is safe to do it", "Let's draw a picture at home", "Let's make faces together in front of the mirror or each other." The child is looking for instructions on how to use the space. And if he does not receive them on time, then he acts as he can.

illustration: Dasha Koshkina

Valeria Protasova

Reading time: 6 minutes

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Unfortunately, modern children know much less about politeness than children 15-20 years ago. Increasingly, one can observe how adults are lost from uncivilized and sometimes simply outrageous actions and words of other people's children in public places.

What if the situation requires you to make a suggestion to a stranger? Is it possible to teach other people's children at all, and how to do it correctly?

Is it possible to make comments to other people's children - situations in which it is simply necessary to intervene

In 2017, a video was circulated on the Web for a long time, in which a small child stubbornly pushed a stranger with a shopping cart while in line at the checkout counter, while the boy's mother did not react in any way to her son's insolence. The man's nerves gave way, and he poured the milk from the bag over the boy's head. This situation divided the "social networks" into 2 camps, in one of which they defended the child ("Yes, I would have stuffed him in the face for my son!"), And in the other - men ("The guy did the right thing, impudent children and their mothers should be taught clearly ! ").

Who is right? And in what situations do you really need to react?

In fact, it is up to everyone to decide whether to intervene or not to interfere, due to good breeding, but it is important to understand that teaching other people's children is not your concern, but their parents'.

Video: Remarks to someone else's child

And you can only make claims to the parents of these ill-bred children, with the exception of the following cases:

1. Parents are not observed next to the child , and his behavior requires urgent adult intervention.
2. Parents defiantly do not want to interfere (for example, for the reason that “you cannot bring up a child under 5 years of age”), and intervention is simply necessary.
3. The child's actions entail causing material harm to you or others. For example, you are a salesperson in a store, the child's mother has gone to the next department, and the child is running along the shelves with expensive alcohol or other goods.
4. A child's actions entail physical harm to you, your child or others ... Sometimes it happens. For example, a frequent situation when the mother of someone else's child is too passionate about something and does not see how her child pushes or hits another child. As a result of these actions, the pushed child falls and is injured. Naturally, in this situation, one cannot wait until the mother of a fighter finally breaks away from her important affairs (phone, girlfriends, etc.), because the health of her own baby is at stake.
5. The child is disturbing your (public) comfort. For example, in the subway, he deliberately wipes his boots on your fur coat, or, while sitting in the cinema, he demonstratively loudly crunches popcorn and bangs his boots on the seat in front.

It is important to understand that there are situations in which children behave according to their age. For example, they run along the corridor of the clinic or the premises of a bank (store, etc.). Children are always active and it is natural for them to run and have fun.

Another issue is when children deliberately behave disgustingly, and their parents defiantly do not intervene. Lack of reaction in a situation that requires it leads to a feeling of complete impunity in the child with all the ensuing consequences.

Conclusion:

Frames are needed and important! It is these frameworks, which imply the observance of the rules and norms adopted in society, that educate us in humanity, politeness, kindness, and so on.

Besides, nobody canceled moral laws. And, if a child breaks the rules, he must understand that he is breaking them, and that this may be followed, at least, by censure, and at the most by punishment. True, this is already a matter for the parents.

Video: Can I make comments to other people's children?

Seven important rules for communicating with other people's children - how exactly to make a remark to someone else's child, and what should not be done or said?

If the situation forces you to make a remark to the child, remember the main rules - exactly how to make a remark, what you can and cannot say and do.

• Analyze the situation. If the situation does not require urgent intervention, perhaps you should not bother with your comments. Put yourself in the shoes of the parents of this child and think - does the child's behavior really look defiant, or does he behave according to his age?
• Present all your claims to the parents of the child ... Contact the child only if there are no other ways to influence the child's behavior.
• Talk to your child politely. Aggression, screaming, rudeness, insults, and even more harm to a child and any physical impact in general are unacceptable. Of course, there are exceptions (for example, when a child aggressively attacks another child and non-intervention is "like death"), but these are only exceptions. In most cases, talking with a child is enough.
• If your "notation" has not brought results, and the child's parents still do not react - move away from the conflict aside... You did your best. The rest is on the conscience and shoulders of the parents of the little impudent person.
• There is no need to evaluate the child's behavior. That is, explaining that he is acting badly, behaving disgustingly, and so on. It is necessary to suppress the very act of insolence, demonstrating that it is unpleasant for you.
• Explain to someone else's child that he is wrong, as his own. Imagine that it is to your child that you are making a suggestion and from this position talk to someone else's child. We teach our children the rules of behavior as accurately as possible, politely and with love. That is why children hear and listen to us.
• Stay within the bounds of what is permissible.

Of course, it is annoying when their own parents ignore the shameless behavior of their child, justifying it with the phrases "he is still small" or "none of your business." It's sad and unfair, especially when it touches you directly.

But it is in your power to remain a polite and kind person, setting a worthy example for your own children. The best way to confront the ignorant is to remain an example of correct polite behavior in spite of everything.

Video: How to make comments to a child correctly?

What can you say to the parents of someone else's child if he does not respond to comments?

Parents always react sharply to the remarks of strangers made to their children. It happens that remarks are not fair, and are made of "harmfulness" and this is the nature of a person who is annoyed by the mere presence of someone else's child.

But in most cases, the comments of strangers are justified, and require an appropriate response from the child's parents. The main thing is to make these remarks correctly so that the parents do not have a desire to get nasty in response to you simply out of principle. How exactly do you make comments?

For example, like this ...

• Your intervention is essential.
• We can't do it without you.
• A conflict is clearly brewing between the children, among them, by chance, is there no child of yours?
• Could you, during the trip, hold the legs of your child?
• Our children cannot share the slide (swing, etc.) - let's help them determine the order?

That is, your main weapon in the fight against tomboys and their ill-mannered parents is politeness. If the parents quickly took into account that their child is behaving ugly, and intervened in this process, then your further comments and remarks are not necessary.

If the tomboy's parents rudely sent you to “catch butterflies,” “kick bamboo,” etc., again, there is no need for further remarks and comments, because there is no point - just leave, your nerves will be more whole.

Have you had similar situations in your life? And how did you get out of them? Share your stories in the comments below!

Valeria Protasova

Psychologist with more than three years of practical experience in social psychology and pedagogy. Psychology is my life, my job, my hobby and lifestyle. I am writing what I know about. I believe that human relationships are important in all areas of our life.

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