They got married and lived happily ever after (before the wedding) - that's the end of the fairy tale. The tough days have begun. And for the husband you have to do everything yourself. He does not respond to requests. She asked to turn on the tap - and you wait three years. He does not want to fulfill requests at the snap of his fingers. (How dare he?) This happens often enough. And you get the feeling that you are communicating with the wall.

If there is no mutual support in marriage and warm feelings, resentment and anger at a partner turn into eternal scandals and showdowns. Both are tired of such relationships.

You feel like it's all over. You can leave at any time. But relationships are ongoing work. And until you start to analyze and look for the causes of the problem, they will not go away. And it is not a fact that in a new relationship, the old problems will not arise again.

The most important thing is not to shoot from the shoulder, but sit down and think. What made your loving husband into a deaf sofa race? Maybe the reason lies in your attitude?

Often married women behave quite differently. We become tougher, often taking on those responsibilities that rightfully belong to a man. The husband even manages to hint that it is time to stop. But no. You are a woman, you are strong. And, if not in your opinion, then you need to do it yourself.

We learned this from our grandmothers and mothers. But they had no other choice. Most often, they raised the children themselves, so you don’t want to, but you have to be strong and self-sufficient to the fullest. While the wife gradually turns into a “all by herself” woman, the husband gets used to the fact that everything will be done for him. After all, he just can't do it right.

Why is he ignoring you?

In every family, conflicts arise sooner or later. Couples who understand that they are not alone, that everything can be solved by conversations and compromises, solve their problems together. Others don't know how. They just accumulate resentment, disappointment in a partner, sadness. They eat themselves from the inside, not realizing all the negativity, and the attitude towards the partner changes.

When a woman gets it into her head that her man is not capable of doing anything without her, that's it. It can be said that the husband is doomed to an eternal sense of guilt and inability. You can say that so many live. Is that what you want? Men feel when a woman's attitude changes. When her support ceases to be strong, he becomes wary. Perhaps your spouse tried to find out from you what was going on, but you backpedaled. And he gave you time. Each time more and more time. And in the end, he just scored.

When a wife cannot cope with negative feelings, everything is heard in her intonation. Even if she does not want to talk directly with her husband about this, her gestures, facial expressions and energy will speak for her. Turning to her husband, she is already subconsciously tuned in to scandal, disappointment. Or at least the fact that her request, even the smallest one, will not be fulfilled.

These are the moments in family life and lead to the fact that the husband does not hear his wife. He just doesn't want to hear what you say to him. He still loves you if he doesn't go away and answer. But his patience is running out.

Your grievances do not give you the opportunity to establish communication. Any phrase, even harmless, in his direction will sound like an insult or humiliation. You speak with such a face and intonation that a man no longer wants anything. A man cannot be good for long under such conditions. Next to you, he begins to feel like a loser, constantly unable to cope with the “man”. Especially if you remind him of it every time. Your partner turns into a clam - just that, hides in a house. Only he hides behind a mask of indifference.

The husband's guilt makes him run away from you, from your requests. He already understands that he is unable to do anything right. There is no point in starting if you are still unhappy. So why bother?

His resources to carry out any action for the good of the family ended. There is none of them. The husband does not hear you, not because he does not want to. He just can't be forever wrong anymore. Nobody wants that.

What can be done?

Understand yourself, in your attitude towards your husband. You see, all the problems, claims that you accumulate in yourself are like a snowball. When there are enough of them, any little thing is superimposed with a new layer, and the lump becomes larger and larger. It occupies the entire space of possible feelings, overlapping all the others.

It is impossible to live if you are being gnawed at negative emotions. A happy woman smiles sincerely and is content with her life. Her man is ready to fulfill any request. In this situation, you need to start with yourself. Little practice. Sit in front of a mirror and ask yourself the question: “What feeling am I broadcasting that my husband does not want to talk to me?” Answer yourself honestly. Surely this is a claim, resentment, anger.

When you are filled with negative feelings, you cannot enjoy. You are closed to positive emotions from your husband. Your thoughts are directed only to the negative. Could you live under that pressure? Imagine that this is your husband acting like this. In his place, you would have done the same. Silently would go away from the problem. Or even worse, would arrange reciprocal persecution.

Family psychologist Alla Pilipyuk

You know, it's hard for you to deal with it too. When things go wrong in the family, other areas of life suffer as well. Based on my experience, I can say that these issues are best resolved with a specialist. It's almost impossible to deal with this on your own. But you also need to start.

If you know where your negative feelings are directed, you can discuss them with your partner. Only without scandals and tantrums. Calmly discuss: “I don’t like this and that. Let's do something!"

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Hello dear blog readers! Is it possible to change the person with whom you decided to link your fate and live happily for many, many years? Every girl is sure that she can do it, she just needs to get married first, have children and raise her husband.

She will cope and will definitely correct his character a little, explain what his mother could not do.

And eventually get perfect man, which she will remake for herself.

As soon as the wife begins to re-educate her husband, she begins hard, endless and completely useless work, which is called very simply: monkey labor.

It is impossible to change a person, because when you meet your future husband, you already see the existing personality in front of you. With certain advantages, because you liked it precisely for this, and disadvantages.

If something is bothering you in a relationship, don't be silent and don't try to change your spouse. It's better to talk to sort things out, but don't get angry and beat yourself up trying to change someone who will never change.

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“We speak different languages, he does not respect my interests, we constantly quarrel.” Familiar situation? Let's see why a man does not hear you, and how to make sure that requests are not only heard, but also fulfilled.

First you need to determine the "starting point": who are you and who is he? Remember: you and your man are different and will always be different, no matter how long you live together. You have different families, parents, upbringing, habits, reactions, traditions, friends, attitudes, experiences, perceptions of the world... Each of you came into a relationship with your own goals and motives. For a woman, a man is a different world (just like a woman for a man). That is why the only correct way to build relationships is to make contact with this world.

To do this, you need to ask yourself a few questions.

Question number 1: who are you, what are you?

Who are you at the moment when you are trying to get through to your man? His woman, mistress, wife, unhappy girl, person, personality, girl? What are you: passionate, tired, resentful, confident, irritated, anxious, beautiful, successful?

In society, people often feel lost. And some never found themselves at all. When on individual consultations I conduct diagnostics with clients, then in 98% of cases it turns out that the one who sits in front of me, and who he feels like, are two different people.

For example, a 35-year-old woman is sitting in front of me, and the diagnostics (her words, drawings, tests) show that I am talking to a three-year-old boy. It turns out that a three-year-old boy with his needs and desires is trying to get through to her husband. What are the needs of 3 year olds? Warmth, protection, love of a parent. So it turns out that a woman is “knocking” not on her husband, but on his parental part, from which she demands unconditional love to yourself as to a child.

Question number 2: where are you?

Where are you when you are trying to negotiate with your husband? V own house or in a rented apartment, in your parents' house or in a restaurant, on the street or at work (and trying to get through to him on the phone)? The answer to this question will give you an understanding and a sense of reality.

Sometimes we are under such a strong impression from the previous conversation that when we meet again, we remain in the past with thoughts and feelings and communicate with a man from the past, and not from the present. This state is called trance.

Realize that you are here and now!

Question number 3: what is the purpose of negotiations with a man?

Do you want support, help, understanding, money, changes from him? What do you want specifically?

The problem often lies in the fact that a woman considers her goal the only right one, and believes that achieving this goal will bring happiness to both. In fact, it may not be the same at all.

If there is a feeling that a man does not hear you, then perhaps:

• your goal does not coincide with his goals and desires;
• the man does not see his own benefit in the realization of your goal (his motivation should be affected);
• the man does not have the resources (emotional, physical, financial) to achieve your goal;
• you decided to shift the responsibility for your happiness to him;
• he does not see his woman in you;
• the man is stuck in the child position, and you are in the parent position (or vice versa).

Question #4: What will you do to reach your goal?

Sketch out a rough plan of conversation and action. Will you persuade, hug, talk, cry, set conditions, feed, shout, kiss, laugh, sit, stand?

And finally, question number 5: what will you do if you do not reach the goal?

You must have a "Plan B" to implement your intentions in case "Plan A" does not work. This question is a test: do you intend to overcome obstacles on the way to the intended goal? The strength of intention speaks of a serious mood, which is subconsciously "read" by a man during a conversation. A woman who is confident in herself and her goals cannot be ignored, because she will still achieve results: with or without a man.

For example, you want to go to the sea for two weeks. The husband resists. Find out why. Maybe he has no money, or he is not allowed to leave work, or he does not want to be at sea for two weeks? What will you do to still get what you want? This is your "Plan B".

Remember, a man doesn't owe you anything. Yes, and you to him too. If he is ready to help you, he will do it. If you are not ready, then read the article again to understand where something went wrong.

Tatyana Sharanda
practical psychologist
family and marriage consultant
head of the psychological development center

The role of words is not so important, they are absorbed only by 7%

- What problems in communication in a couple come to you most often?

- Usually these are family conflicts related to the full participation of one of the spouses (mainly the father) in the upbringing of children and the division of household responsibilities. Also, the excessive participation of the parents of one of the partners in the life of a young couple. And, of course, financial difficulties and emotional coldness of a husband or wife are not in last place.

- In your opinion, what question should you ask yourself in order to understand what the possible problem of misunderstanding is?

“Actually, there are several. To clarify why a fight broke out in a conversation, ask yourself:

• Was it really so urgent to solve a specific issue, or could it be postponed to the next day? Perhaps, with a fresh mind, he would have fallen off on his own?
• Did I really want to communicate, or was it just a desire to shed my negativity?
• What was the message in my tone of voice?
• Is the purpose of the communication clearly communicated?
• Do I speak the right language with my partner (do I express myself clearly and communicate my thoughts)?

It is worth remembering that there is no template for an ideal couple and ideal relationships. But you can create them together. Harmony is when people accept each other, know how to give in, when together it’s not boring and good, and if difficulties come, a man and a woman talk to each other and try to find the best way problem solving.

Understanding is like teamwork and work on yourself. Conflicts happen. And they are necessary and important in the development of relations.

- What signals do partners give each other unconsciously in a conversation?

There are two forms of communication: verbal(voice - assimilated by the interlocutor by 38%, words - by 7%) and non-verbal(body language - assimilated by 55%). Let's take a closer look.

Tone of voice. It was found that the lower the tone of a person's voice, the greater the credibility of his words. So, for example, a speech delivered by a male speaker is remembered better than the same information delivered by a woman.

High tone is associated with possible lies. It is also interesting that the male brain processes the female voice as a complex piece of music. After all, ladies tend to change intonation more often in accordance with their emotions, transform the timbre and rhythm of pauses, which is why such cooing is perceived almost like a real Beethoven symphony! Consequently, fast female babble with a high tonality in itself can cause a certain overload of the male brain.

– Research data confirm that the most attractive in communication is a smooth, measured and calm manner of speech. Try to follow this advice so that your partner understands the meaning of your message as much as possible.

The speaker's emotions are betrayed by the left side of his face

— Language of the body. These are gestures and postures (open and closed, sexual cues bodies). When communicating, we all pay attention to the facial expressions of the speaker. Especially on the eyes. It has been observed that a person lies when he meets his partner's gaze for less than 1/3 of the time of communication. The main information load is carried by the eyebrows and the area around the mouth. Left-hand side faces most vividly betrays emotions. If you do not trust someone, pay attention to this particular zone. For example, a skewed smile is always insincerity.

Posture, gait and distance give a very accurate description of the emotional-volitional qualities of a person.

The non-verbal form of communication also includes the color and style of clothing, jewelry, makeup, and the shape of the hairstyle. Saturated-bright shades signal a desire to attract attention. However, if you are going for an interview, I do not advise you to choose bright colours, especially red, which is likely to cause rejection from the employer. By the way, the color variety in clothes can also speak of the emotional instability of a person.

Here are some more external clues:

• The classic style of clothing suggests an already established personality with its own picture of the world.
• Makeup in the form of "war paint" speaks for itself - assertiveness, emotionality, achieving the goal at any cost.
• Smoothly combed and tightly tied hair - strong self-control.
• Loose hair - freedom of emotions.
• A sloppy hairstyle that opens the neck is a sexual signal.

The ability to read information about the state of a partner is a great art. And, of course, it helps a lot to avoid sharp corners and quickly extinguish conflicts.

It is useful to relieve unnecessary emotions before a conversation.

- If you don’t like something, it worries you, how can you calmly and without scandals explain this to the second half?

- If possible, then delay the start of the conversation: take a shower, sleep, have a snack, drink tea, take a walk, and so on. Remember what Scarlett said in the movie " gone With the Wind"I'll think about that tomorrow." Maybe you just got emotional. You should never make momentary decisions and chop off your shoulder.

In the case when the issue needs to be resolved quickly, but the inner feelings are very strong, take 5-7 breaths and exhalations through the nose and a longer exhalation through the mouth.

Try to shift the focus of attention through bodily sensations: squeeze your fingers, hug yourself tightly, tense your whole body several times, box, mentally imagining a punching bag, rinse your face and hands with cold water, even a mint or chewing gum that needs to be chewed with effort will help. In a word, it is important to bodily relieve anxiety - this is the most effective and fastest way to calm down. Only then start a dialogue. Otherwise, the risk of a nervous breakdown, talking in raised tones, and so on is too high.

- If the conflict is still in full swing, is there an opportunity to effectively extinguish it?

There are two ways to end a conflict:

1. direct, directive: get up and leave or suddenly agree abruptly. You can, of course, ignore the partner's cry until he or she speaks out, but for this you need to have a strong nervous system.

2. Indirect(hidden impact): to joke, to make "sips", to slip something tasty, to hug your partner sharply, that is, to do something that is certainly not expected of you at the moment. It's confusing.

And very effective method- it is meaningful, slowly and accurately repeat the partner's claim. The person calms down (after all, he was heard), and you have the opportunity to speak out.

Think about non-verbal cues. Look down - this is the movement of a person who feels guilty, and "a guilty head is not chopped twice." Demonstrate your attention to the words of the interlocutor - listen and nod your head at the same time, making it clear that you understand everything. And here it doesn’t matter if you nod because you agree, or just let you know that you hear the interlocutor. All these movements calm the partner, bring him into balance with himself.

People from childhood learn to put a protective screen in front of them.

- Is it possible to bypass the conflict even at its inception?

- The starting point for the emergence of future conflicts is our childhood. Thanks to childhood trauma, each person learns to put on masks and defend himself, because our primary task is to survive.

Some talk a lot and quickly, others are silent, someone constantly smiles on duty, just in case, behaves cloyingly politely and kindly with everyone. Others are rude and rude, not understanding who is in front of them. Lots of options. But all these reactions are just a screen. The screen behind which we hide ourselves.

However, sooner or later the time of love comes. When we fall in love, we believe that we are loved for who we are. But, as a rule, we ourselves do not know what we really are, so we confidently demonstrate our usual masks to each other.

Romantic feelings make a person think of the object of love as a real ideal without flaws. To seem better, he himself tries to be a fairy-tale hero for his partner and shows best qualities. In this romantic moment, the commitment to marriage is just as magical and effortless. But time goes by. And the snow-white yacht called "Family" more and more often stumbles upon the underwater reefs of everyday life, breaking unjustified expectations. The ground for conflict is ready.

And yet the scandal itself does not break out in an instant. It is prepared in stages, collected in small portions. There is a so-called pre-conflict stage. It is characterized by the accumulation of contradictions among partners that are not voiced or voiced, but no specific actions are taken to neutralize them.

The number of claims is growing. There is a process of accumulation of grievances and deterioration of relations. The main area where tension is felt is the sexual aspect, where formalism cannot be present.

Such a pre-conflict stage can exist for a long time without developing into a conflict. If partners during this period manage to rise above emotions, sit down at a round table, voice their claims in the correct form and start a joint search for a solution, the harmonious development of the family can be guaranteed.

- Usually partners come into conflict with only one goal - to win. Changing this goal to finding a constructive solution is the best option. Of course, this is a complex algorithm of actions, but real and effective!

Feelings of guilt, as well as feelings of resentment, are guaranteed to lead to illness.

Some people find it difficult to express their love. What would you advise them?

- It is especially difficult to open your own inner world, voice feelings to introverts. I highly recommend reading The Five Love Languages ​​by Gary Chapman. She will tell you how to learn to manifest what is inside, moreover, in the language of your soul mate. This will definitely improve communication.

Is it important to be able to ask for forgiveness? Why?

- Let's start from the opposite: what does a person who has been undeservedly offended feel? Pain, disappointment and bitterness. These feelings always lead to illness with a 100% guarantee. Therefore, we deliberately kill a loved one.

Own sense of guilt destroys the bearer of this guilt, the person suffers mentally and torments the body.

To be able to apologize is the great art of a great man. It is very difficult to admit mistakes and even more so to speak about it out loud. You have to have courage. But this is how a person develops, grows above himself.

If a person "baths" in his own resentment, he will not hear you

- What to do if the partner plays silent, refuses to express grievances, talk about his desires, in any unpleasant situation he simply withdraws into himself?

“That’s how his parents taught him to show his resentment. Most likely, in the family of this person, a significant relative behaved in this way, and the child adopted the model of behavior.

What to do? Step by step, carefully and tactfully break the pattern and, through demonstrating your analysis of feelings, teach your partner to express personal claims in the correct form. But it is necessary to talk about this only in the period of established relations. If the partner is offended, there is no point in explaining something to him. Out of habit, your soul mate will “bath” in his own resentment for some period and still won’t hear anything.

Is it worth taking a break from each other from time to time?

- Undoubtedly. Only your partner should be informed about this. It is necessary to voice to him (especially a woman) the details of your vacation, explain clearly why you need space, and offer an acceptable option for both personal territories, taking into account each other's wishes for such a vacation.

- Are there any useful psychological exercises which would be nice to do partners from time to time?

- It is difficult to overestimate the influence of family rituals and rituals on the formation of emotional intimacy of spouses: Sunday dinners, trips, meetings with friends, and so on. Each such action causes a lot of positive emotions, and they leave a powerful mark in the memory of a person. The psyche reacts like this: “I want more and with this person!”

For example, an invisible, but very deep meaning lies in the joint evening dinners by candlelight, the flickering light of which has a calming effect on the emotional state of the partners. Delicious food, pleasant atmosphere, music, the eyes of a loved one - and ... the wall of far-fetched grievances crumbled (laughs).

Rules for a conflict-free dialogue

1. Clear content of the appeal

What for? What do you want to achieve with this conversation? What reaction would you like to evoke from your partner? What actions are you going to encourage him to take? What is your personal interest?

2. Emotional accompaniment of the appeal

What part of the information should be especially drawn to the attention of the partner through facial expressions, tone and volume of speech?

3. Cognitive component of the text of the appeal

What facts should be appealed to?

4. Time and place

At the end of the working day (stress state) or the working week (general fatigue and anticipation of the weekend)? Alone or in the presence of someone in particular?

5. Confidence in a positive result

Elaboration of the multivariate development of the event forms a sense of security, which, in turn, stabilizes the emotional background.

Of course, we are not machines. It is impossible to constantly analyze and control your every step. But still, try to think more often about what you say and, most importantly, how! For a moment, imagine yourself on the side of the interlocutor, try to feel whether it would be nice for you to hear such words. Try to keep the conversation calm and talk to each other about your feelings more often.

How often annoying and it's a shame when you have to deal with misunderstanding on the part of a close, loved one. It hurts even more when he does not want to hear, holding on to his beliefs in a stranglehold. At such moments, doubts creep in whether it is worth continuing to live together. After all, it’s only actually together, but in fact, it’s not even possible to talk together. Become bad and uncomfortable. And when a woman feels bad, then it becomes bad and uncomfortable for everyone around, the house loses a favorable atmosphere. The level of tension in the family is growing, the husband is annoying. A lot of energy is wasted for no reason. Household chores are abandoned. Attempts to clarify the relationship are perceived by the husband as a clarification of the relationship and claims against him. Sexual attraction is lost, which further increases dissatisfaction. Feelings are hard to bear resentment moving further and further apart. Over time, the thought of divorce begins to bring relief. How to survive such a situation?

Fragment from correspondence with Elena “... I regained my balance only when I realized that it was time to leave. He got me does not hear, does not want to meet my requests. Without it, I cannot live fully. I do not want to lose my family, but there is no point in living like this. In this state, nothing is created. I can't live next to a man who closes behind concrete defenses and does not hear. How can I get through? ... "

Therapist: “... I didn’t understand a little: you write about already decision, but at the same time there are doubts and the question you ask is not how to say goodbye, but how to get through. Perhaps you need support to take this step in your life - to get a divorce, but something tells me that the decision you made is not quite right, you feel that this decision is not quite right. What happens if you get through?"

Elena: “I will feel relief, the opportunity to convince him to remake himself, and then I will stop take offense. How to “pack” and convey your expectations from your husband? And how to stop being offended? Resentment destroys what we have already created, it destroys relationships. And if it is not possible to get rid of it, then divorce will come sooner or later.

Therapist: “Divorce will not be a way out and getting rid of resentment. And, perhaps, on the contrary, resentment will become even stronger and will be even more painful than living together. Tell us more about your resentment and what it gives you?

Elena: “Your question confused me. Resentment gives me the destruction of the family, the destruction of relationships, the destruction of sexual desire. She doesn't give me anything."

Therapist: “Besides, of course, destroying what you achieve with the help of resentment?»

Elena: “I am at an impasse, I have no answer to your question. I am trying to draw my husband's attention to my condition, to my requests. But this does not lead to anything, I am even more offended, since he always comes to the conclusion that it is useless to talk with me on this subject. He shows little regard for feelings. He does not express them with words or gifts. He says that he shows attention by his actions, but for me this is not always clear.

Therapist: “If I understood correctly, then with the help of resentment You want to change your husband. And it turns out to be more significant for you than you personally and your family. I think the issue here is not how to stop being offended, a how to stop manipulating your husband with resentment? And how to replace the usual patterns of behavior, implicated in grievances, demands and claims?

Elena: “For me, this is an even more unbearable layer. If I rebuild myself, will my husband hear me better?”

Therapist: “And you imagine a situation where they want to re-educate you with the help of resentment. I think that your ears will immediately lay. Learning new patterns of behavior is possible with help of psychotherapy. It is advisable to come to face-to-face meetings together. But even if one is ready to work on himself, this also gives a good result. And if you leave everything as it is, then indeed, divorce may seem like a way out. But not everything is so simple, and the next relationship will break on the same stone.

Yes, indeed, it is difficult to give up your expectations from your husband. What it should be like, what and how to say, what and how to do, how to raise a child, how much to earn. The psychoanalytic vision of a couple is that when a couple begins to live together, they do not live together, but in eight. That is a real couple (husband and wife), perfect couple(ideal on each side) and parent pair on each side. It's hard to see behind all these characters side by side. real man, such as he is. And having seen what does not coincide with the ideal or parental ideas, refuse to manipulate. And build with it open, trusting, loving and sexually supportive relationships.