Every day there are many events with us: funny or not very, funny or a little sad. There is even a special project that helps people anonymously share their revelations. Here The funniest stories from the first mouth. Postpone how long and charge good mood right now.

• My husband and I rarely use alcohol. Somehow, in the evening I really wanted to drink a bottle of Czech beer. The word "beer" we always replace on Kvass, because our 6-year-old daughter beer is associated with marginal personalities on a platform, which are always with the caution by the side. So, we drink "kvass", the phone calls. The daughter is suitable: "Hello, hello, grandmother! All right! Parents? They are drinking beer, but they say that kvass! " Curtain.
• My grandmother received a new type certificate (plastic card with a photo and all information about the owner). Today came terribly dissatisfied, she said that in the center of servicing the population all over her laughed. It turned out, my brother told her that now, presenting a certificate in Pension Fund, you need to bring it to the face and say "Multipasport".
• I sit, roar. My husband wipes me tears. I thought it was so cute. I fell to the mirror ... And he has painted the mustache for me!
• In the kitchen, the wife makes tea, and we are with our dog in three. Suddenly she sculpts on the laminate and drops an empty cup. I pick up my wife, and the dog catches the cup to the teeth. He put his wife, the dog gave her a cup and handed me a paw. I gave him "five", and we proudly left.
• My girlfriend once lost a kitten in the apartment. I was looking for everywhere! In the sofa, behind the sofa, on the balcony, in the toilet, in the bathroom, but everything is in vain ... and it impacted her to eat, opens the refrigerator, and there ... Her miracle sleeps peacefully on a saucepan with soup.

• I descend on the elevator, a taxi to the airport has already arrived and waits. I understand that something is wrong with sneakers - I forgot to insert insoles in them. We throw things into the car and back to the 20th floor on a slow elevator - I want to have to run to the apartment and back until the elevator gone to not get stuck in anticipation of the elevator.
  The plan violates the girl standing on my floor. OK, I ask her to wait literally 15 seconds. She with some coquette smile agrees. Beging behind insoles and hear the elevator closes and leaves. I think: Well, eh-my, how so you can? Returning, and she stands and waiting for me without elevator.

• Somehow reasoned with my boyfriend, which absolutely not able to cook, so that he did if he was left with young children and without a means of communication with the world, but the full refrigerator. Long thinking, he convulsively clung to me with the words: "You can't throw children! You can not leave them with me earlier than they can eat sausages! "
• Today I realized that I was a decent girl when he flew from the stairs on heels and instead of Mata screamed: "Oh-oh!"

• Fly several months ago from the USA to Moscow. I sit in economy, in the middle of the aircraft approximately. Only scored height, I hear the light hum of votes on the increasing. Here they clap on the shoulder: "Girl, pass for the passage!" And bills of $ 20. I do the same with the passenger in front of me. In general, when this "twenty" rested into the wall, so to speak, after a minute pause the liner covered a gomeric laughter. All invented two Russian guys on the gallery, and he led the whole plane!
• My groom (already husband) on the day of our wedding wrote on the heavenly flashlight: "Take me, I don't know her."

• I meet somehow my son from school and see such a touching moment, as his classmate gets a pie, breaks in half and one part gives Hir.
  I tell my son the next day: "Now you have to treat a girl, but it's not good, I give him a trifle for snacks, I send him to school.
  In the evening I ask:
  - Well, how did you care about classmate?
  - Not. I gave money money.

• For three days, the brother already finds my phone and puts me alarm clock idiotic melodies. The day before yesterday was awakened under the "Aka-47", yesterday for Valery Leontiev - "Augustine", and today under the "natural blonde". I'm tired.

• Cook dinner. I sent an urgent husband to the store (3 minutes walk from the house) behind the bow. Returns after 40 minutes and shouts from the threshold: "Cute, Luka was not anywhere, I bought dill!" I start to laugh, and he is not understanding: "I did something funny?"
• In the train Voronezh - Moscow to the question of the passenger about the presence of Wi-Fi in the car, the conductor replied: "What are you, nothing can be, the car twice a day is disinfected!"
• I am engaged in archery. Left somehow arrows at the cottage. Returning in a week behind them, and they disappeared. Found on the garden, with tomatoes. It turned out, they tied tomatoes. Grandmother…

The Bot has such overheard stories proving that life is sometimes more interesting in fiction.

Wife told. A young woman came to her reception. The case is heavy, one and a half hours spoke. Everyone discussed, the patient understood everything. My wife assigns the date of the next reception. Turns back to the calendar on the wall: - three weeks. The numbers are eighth. Conveniently? The patient replies: - You could not repeat me what you said? I read on my lips. Deaf. Great says. Reads on lips. For an hour and a half, my wife did not suspect anything, although the deaf often come to her at the reception.

***
My friend loved the singer Bilan very much. Even with her husband met at one of his concerts. And so, for some holiday I was among the guests invited to them. And now imagine my face when I heard that their daughter is called (!!!) Dibil. In honor of the above-mentioned Dima Bilan ... seriously. I allowed some kind of tactlessness, sincerely guide that I was playing out, and asked to see the birth certificate. Dibil ... I'm still confused

***
Born in the late 80s, when there were no such assortment in pharmacies of various drugs. Then it was accepted in the first days of the newborn bathe in a weak-pink solution of mangarteese for disinfection of water and skin cover. But my mother has moved with a dose and after bathing I turned into a Negritena (manganese gave a shade of the skin). This misfortune happened just a couple of hours before the granny arrival, which was preparing for the first time to see me. And here is it! In general, for a long time Mom justified and explained what's what))

***
They arranged a mini-bachelorette party with girlfriends, ordering the sea of \u200b\u200bsushi to the house. The next day I had to throw out the boxes from all this, which was attacked by two packages. Straight near the container, one of the packages burst and all the contents lay on the snow. Here, because of the forest, from the mountains, Grandfather Yegor came out. Or rather, due to the trash, the bums of Anatoly, as he later introduced himself. He pulled forward his palm and said: "Madame, let me remove it all, do not bother!" And he began to throw everything into the trash. All knights here!

***
I say that chess is my favorite game, although I know only how the shapes go. Several classes MUZ. Schells, but on many pictures I am behind a piano in the big room. I draw a little, but the edited portraits say that I'm just a talent. I read the books in a reduction so that there are more pseudo-knowledge in my arsenal, scientific facts seek, skillfully intelligently in a conversation. I don't know what I don't know from myself. Very scary to face someone who saves deeper and understand that in fact I am a bunch

***
When I was 10 years old, I saw a "Stern RPP" disco disco on TV. In it, one of the soloists cleaned the teeth of black toothpaste. In our tiny town, a clear case, such a paste was not, but I wanted her just insanely. I walked behind the elder brother and begged such a found. And once he brought black pasta in a jar! My happiness was not limit. And quite recently, I remembered this story, and the brother admitted that simply a raster then activated coal and mixed it with ordinary paste. Favorite my brother)

***
I work as a cashier and we had one interesting granny. The story began with the fact that one day this grandmother did not have a few rubles. I added from my own. She was shot, puck, thanked me. But apparently she liked this and she began to walk in my shift and buy not at all those things that the grandmother could afford. And every time at the checkout make wet eyes and plaintively and again recount a penny. I paid once ... I paid two ... and then tired. Babul! Have some shame!

***
I decided to buy an apartment in the 3rd store built in the 50s. All familiar discussed, they say, the house is old, the facing of horror, also apartments on the long corridor, as in the hostel and so on. Passed year. I'm happy. Spacious bright layout, and the neighbors heard only if they are "from the gun". And for the first time in all my life, I know all the neighbors, and they are not imposed on the guests, and when they found out that there was not enough money to the ZP, then silently brought the "hotels" with cottages. It is like a family that I did not have. And friends are jealous

***
As a child, a friend had a home theater, every night was going to watched cinema. Once we decided to watch the movie of horrors, sit, scary, everywhere speakers, all the rustles are heard. Here my friend could not stand it darted into the toilet (private house, toilet on the street) Swipe the door and she stands there, death with oblique, everything is like a hood, faces are not visible. It is natural to yell. Includes light, it turned out. It was a neighbor, the rain was walking in the hood, just not with oblique, but with a shovel, which my friend had forgotten, and a man lifted: D

***
The colleague on the work told about his wife, as she caught him in a dream in treason, not waking up on top of a peacefully sleeping husband and began to strangle him. I woke up from a good fell. Laughed at work and forgotten. 5 years have passed and such a story happens to me. I wake up from the fact that the beloved, sitting on me riding, with closed eyes, compresses the fingers on my throat. I woke her more correctly, but in the morning she did not remember anything. Probably all women laid a man's murder gene with treason.

***
I left home without keys. Mom needed urgently leave. I come home, there are no keys, no one's house. I waited at the entrance for 3 hours when the dad opened the door saw on the table a note "Keys at the neighbor". What is this logic, leave a note on the table a note on where the keys?

***
I had a guy. I did not speak my last name. Joking began to call him a teapot. What was my surprise when, after some time he showed me the right, a passport and business cards with her surname of kettles! That guess, so guess! And he thought that I was struck by him by the number of the car.

***
Syn (6 years old) went into the kitchen with a light bulb in his mouth, the husband from laughter dropped a large mug with hot coffee to the leg, I jumped from a loud blow and Ora my husband jumped and hit the shelf above his head. Outcome: The threesomes were sitting in the injury: a husband with a suspicion of the fracture of the fingers and a burn, I suspected to a concussion and a son with a light bulb in the mouth. The doctor barely held not to regain

***
It seems to me that every girl has its own superconduct. Someone is good in the photo, someone eats a lot and does not push. And I have very slowly growing my hair on my feet, can stay smooth month) not so, of course, but better than nothing))

***
My dog \u200b\u200bis not very playful, she collects her toys, folds around him and ends. My husband and I decided to show her how to play. They took the ball began to throw them into each other, run after him ... In general, we tried. The dog looked, looked ... Then came to me at the moment when the ball was in my hand, took it and attributed to all the rest of the toys ... broke us.

We all love jokes, but sometimes life "composes" such stories that believe in them from the first time is very difficult. And how much humor and comism in such stories ... It is wonderful that there is an opportunity to "overhear" such people with whom funny situations happened.

About female

Walked through a large store of clothes. There were many young moms with children who weave and asked home. Few who managed to calm the children. One woman distinguished himself. She walked with the baby between the shelves, considering the things liked, and the child said: "Where is the way out? I can not find anything. "

*** *** ***
When in childhood I watched the cartoon "Prostokvashino", I did not understand Mama Uncle Fedor. I thought: what kind of harmful woman, eternally swears, does not want to go to the son to the village from the resort. But now I understand that it is not so harmful. And that I, too, would be better rested at sea than in the village ...

*** *** ***
When I walk herself or with someone you need, so that we take a picture of a random passerby, looking for in the crowd of girls on heels. But they will definitely not run away with my phone!

*** *** ***
Friends like how I cook. The husband recently admitted that my culinary talent is one of the reasons why he married me. And I just understood with youth that the dish in the sour cream, put in the oven, is the key to success.

*** *** ***
Today I finally went to the fitness center. He persuaded himself. That was leaving, he was sick, he struggled with laziness. I bought a form, shoes ... I was preparing for a long time for such an event. But ... Fitness moved.

And funny and awkward

I work as a credit special in the bank and has recently for some reason the eyes began to get away. Making the next application for a loan, asked the standard question "Communal costs", the guy replied "Thousands of 10-12" and then I get a paper handkerchief and wipe the tears from the eye. The guy was not confused and said: "Girl, do not worry, some and more pay." I was both awkward and funny.

*** *** ***
I go down the street, towards man. In front of him, in the folded boat, gently carries something. I brought sharpness - like kitten or puppy, plump, redhead. It is difficult to see, the sun is blind + myopia, and the man is distant. The man is getting closer, I'm stuck, trying to understand who he is so gentle. And then he brings his hands to his face and luffing the kitten-puppy for his head! I have already gathered to yell, but I managed to hurt whom he was not her - Belyash! Tolstinsky Redhead, Belyash! A little lucky!

*** *** ***
My parents are lovers from the TV. When someone of them comes to a room with food, the advantage is immediately beginning (most often the dad is trying to take away from Mom, since herself go too lazy). Last time: Mom holds a soup plate for one edge, dad for the second, and everyone pulls over.

It continued until all the contents spread over the carpet. They fled from the place they are at the same speed that they dragged behind the plate - in different directions with a cry: "Your soup was, you clean!" Dad 46, Mom 44.

From childhood

In the summer, when I was small, I often spent time with my grandmother and grandfather at the cottage. My grandfather is an ardent smoker. Every morning we went to the garden, sat on the bench near the pond, and grandfather smoked the phone. When I asked why he did it, then the grandfather told that thanks to the smoke from the tube there were clouds. All childhood on the sky I looked with a sense of pride, as it was thanks to his beloved grandfather who admire the beautiful sky with the clouds :)

*** *** ***
Children often can not fall asleep because they spin under the blanket. My dad, when I was small, laid me, raised the blanket over the bed and said: "Well, turn!". After that, I was spinning, I spit out and then disassembled, and he covered me with a blanket. It became warm and cozy and no longer wanted to spin. MiG floated.

*** *** ***
Son was 6 years old. Put in front of him the dumplings. The child looked at them for a long time, and then roared. To the question: "What happened?" - He replied: "I don't know how to start!"

*** *** ***
In the morning I ask my daughter (3 years):
- Lizonka, what will you eat?
- And we have bread?
- There is.
- And the maslice?
- And there is a maslice.
- And sausage?
- and sausage is.
- I will be pancakes.

A selection of stories from life proving that the reality is much more interesting for fiction

Yorkshire terrier lives at home. The dog is breeding, so we buy her expensive shampoos, sprays, etc. Few people know, but I use it all. Now I have brilliant beautiful hair Like my dog.
***
Single-Luraknitsy During the time of a fun drunk student, a private house was filmed and faced a dog-nobleman nicknamed his friend. They told: One of them is late at night from the store home, his friend got rid of her. He sees in the alley a large company of the mountaineers, thinks, right now, they get it - and the sands of me. Robed or rape. One of the non-Russian fits and speaks with a characteristic accent: Friends friend - my friends, let's go, spend. And he spent. Friend - Connecting People.
***
When she lived with relatives, we had the eternal battle for the harvest. All year round under the sink copied the shell from eggs (on the cottage under the bushes to pour). Stranger ribany capron tights. They are comfortable, cutting on the tape, in the country of tomatoes to tie. Copy dairy packages. This is a seedlings. Did not discarded buckets from under mayonnaise. They are comfortable to collect a berry. Take a ribbon from tights. Make a loop. Hear a bucket on the neck. Hands are free. Hi, raspberry! Well, and, of course, banks! Eternal cycle of cans in nature.
***
In the language courses a couple of years ago, "collage of desires" were made - cut out the phrases and pictures from old magazines and glued to Watmans. On my collage, the main phrase "Life as in the movie. Now the time is for ... "And then the family, a family, holiday, yoga, is quite a bit of work ... Hanging it to the kitchen to the dining table ... Today I looked and stupid - almost all the desires came true! Especially in terms of family and recreation. But at all in vain I was glue to "enjoy delicious food". Recovered by 10 kg for 2 years.
***
Dad friends went to relax in nature. Arriving, they went to look for a place for the night and did not fit the car 2 days. When they returned, they noticed that the car somehow behaves strangely. Upon arrival drove to the service for repairs. Rings in the evening of the car mechanic and says: "Do you want to core? Come! " They come, and show them such a picture: the squirrel scored some crap straight to the stop. Just incredible number of nuts. They made a discount for nuts)
***
When I was small, we had a kitty. By virtue of the circumstances, I often had to be at home alone. Like all the children, I often diffex, and to the parish of Mom diligently noticed all the traces of his pants. When mom returned from work Our Cat Michel fled to meet her, and very much meowed with various intonations. The bottom line is that mom has talked to her. I asked her what I did during my stay in the house. And in parallel, the whole apartment and Michel "told" what I did was bad, and my mother found. All childhood I really did not like our cat at such moments for handing me every time. Always asked mom to teach me to talk with a cat. But it was only the answer that when I myself became mom, only then I will learn to talk with cats. After a while, all this was forgotten. I grew up. And recently my mother reminded me of conversations with a cat. He said that I was very badly noticed behind my traces, and so that I would not have learned to destroy them, she did see what he had said from our Michelle. After all, you always need to know what your child has done.
*** I will tell you how I entertain myself in the subway, when it's boring) Once, when I went home in the evening, listening to your favorite tracks in headphones, in how usually a crowded car Metro Zamoskvoretsky Line, I praised my shoulder attractive girl And asked something. Of course, I realized that she asked something like: "Next to go out?". I needed to go out and I shook my head and said: "Yes." And then I was puzzled o_o. What if she asked something else! For example: "Can I take the eggs to you?" And I, I shook my head and said: "Yes." Confuez. Since then, I have been entertaining myself in the subway, asking people in headphones (mostly girls), various stupid questions, like: "Marry me?". The girl shakes his head and says: "Yes." I'm rzhu, people near Rzut. Girl in bewilderment. Mood is good.
***
We rested somehow with my friends at my house, drank, listened to music, and quite loud. Time was far over midnight, I tried to do it, because it was terribly afraid of a man from the next apartment, often came across it in the entrance - real ambal, under 2 meters tall, all in tattoos, always with a terribly serious facial expression, in general, terrible a type. But one of the friends has added volume all the time, I did not have time to follow him. In the end, the door knocked on the door, and with such a force that I immediately understood who outside the door. Music immediately turned off, all got sick. I went to the door, looked in the eye - really, the most terrible neighbor. Open the door, I was ready to say goodbye to the white light. "Well, what are you having fun?" - He burned. "Well, so, a little," I regained. From fear, the knees were shaking, it seemed to me, I fainted. He shoved his hand to his pocket, snapped something. I think, well, everything will now get the trunk and shoots me, this is the end. And he took out the phone and says: "Listen, and what the last song did you play, turn on again, and then I do not recognize the chase through the wall." From that day I found me VKontakte, throw music to each other.
***
Most of all in the world I do not like when my girl asks to look with her movie. Then begins: "Well, why can't you be so romantic?", "But you would probably not think of congratulating me happy birthday thus!", Look what kind of stateling press! You, too, would not hurt to rush! " Dear, I understand everything - probably, it is difficult to be a girl of such an outfit, but maybe when you make a third cutlet and get angry from your shows, you will finally understand that also not Scarlett Johanson too? I love you, but no, your mother, I will not wear blue lenses to look like Somucher.
***
My childhood passed in the village. He studied in a rural school. Perestroika period. In the lesson of the economy Dali homework Collect the team and protect the business plan of your project. For some reason, all the girls have the projects for the opening of beauty salons, apparently, not enough for greater brains. And the boys are security companies. I defended a project for the production of alcohol, when defense told about the benefits of the project (it is possible to produce on any raw material, at least on rotten potatoes, it is widely used in industry, medicine, etc., is in demand in the production of vodka ... Sorry, business is a business and The main goal is to receive profits). And this is the 90s, when vodka was even sold in stalls. The whole team was rated "3", the rest of the "5" class. It was hurt to tears. There were no computers then, the information was collected in the regional library. After school went to Moscow, he graduated from the leading universities of Russia, worked in international Holding, then successfully implemented its projects. School economy's lesson I remember with a smile.
***
In the student years, so went over with friends that all night rode taxi. The hostel is closed already. Therefore, I, an important lady, called a taxi, crawled into the car, gave him the last one thousand and asked to ride until the morning. And he caring is not enough that he did not refuse, so the plaid she was covered, the tears wipe, the basik gave me, in the morning I also fed, and took away in the hostel. Still managed to do orders. Shadnob, still do not drink.
***
The house is built by an angle, going to the balcony I can see the next floor below. The first time drew attention a month ago: Baby draws at the table, the pregnant mother helps, and next to the grandmother. Sometimes I also paid attention to the luminous window, but today everything was different: the baby draws at the table, the grandmother fussing and the mother hits the kitchen with a newborn baby. The tears of joy for completely unfamiliar people were rolled, and they probably do not even suspect that they are like a window to another life for someone.

It is unlikely that someone may argue with the statement that life is much more interesting for any fiction.
Strange and beautiful things occur with each of us daily, and sometimes it is simply impossible to be silent. Therefore, even a special project that helps people anonymously sharing their revelations.
Stories are different: joyful and sad, evil and kind. We are inspired by the stories about what made the life of their authors is happier and more fun. Such revelations are collected in this article.

About good

Waiting for my spouse on a bench at the entrance. Fits red cat, meows. I talked to him, and he goes out and meows, something myself also tells me, it can be seen that his home, lost, is not afraid of people. I met him at home and the next day - again meowing me something. On the third day I saw him all dirty, as before, he approached me and had a sad meow, as if she was crying. I have never had an animal before in life, and now lives the smartest and sociable cat all over the world.

I live in the city where two railway stations. Railway branch from one station to another runs around the city, along the road to the airport. So, if the guits are sitting in the ambush with a radar on the road, the driver "blinks" the headlights of the diesel locomotive machines. Our people do not win! Who has weak vision - armed with glasses not to blink the signal. Modern glasses for viewing the online store offers to buy literally in one click. You only need to choose the rim model you like and add the parameters of the lenses from the recipe, checkout the order - and wait for the parcel. Convenient service, high-quality materials, free shipping and a warranty on the product - these facts speak in favor of choosing this particular store.

My wife is a teacher at the institute, strict, puts twins without compromise. Sometimes brings statements on exams home. So, when my "bitch" falls asleep, I change some twins on the triple, because I myself was a two-way. While channels. Have fun, kids, you have your Ginn-incognito!

Once, when I studied in the first grade, fled on the school corridor and fell. The floors were wooden, all the knees and palms were in numerous zanosok. Suddenly, guys-tenth-graders came to the rescue, who strolled a lesson, smearing offering from my knees, soothing me, cryingly crying. Since then, many years have passed, and I remember these supermen! If they read it: thanks a lot, guys, for kindness.

I fell asleep in the subway after work. I wake up, I understand that I put my hands under the head and knew the men on the knees. It became ashamed, I did not know how to imperceptibly climb and dump. Apparently, the man saw that I woke up, and said with a smile: "Yes, you sleep, sleep, I drove my stop for another 10 minutes."

About Provalakh

Photographer. After the registry office, newlyweds give pigeons to let go into the sky. I make a standard frame when the pigeons are in their hands, and I say: "Kiss!" In 99% of the groom kiss a pigeon, not the bride.

Came on new job, I built a guy's eyes for a week, next week he approached and asked what he did to me and why I look so viciously.

Three years have noted the anniversary of registration of marriage on October 17, until they looked at the testimony, in which the date is November 17 ...

I'm at work, my husband at home. My question is: "What are you doing?" - replied: "I do your job!" I was delighted: I thought, dinner prepares and the floors washes. I come, and he eats candy.

In childhood, when there was a grandmother at home, it imagined that the socket in the bedroom is a microphone, and sang different songs into it. Stopped doing so when the neighbors were said through the same rosette: "Girl, we all hear."

About life

Today, such a sun is remembered on March 8, 2009 - it is also very sunny and warm, it is rare. We are going around the city in the tram, and then the driver driver fell into the microphone, then the conductor read verse, and all passengers were allowed to transfer congratulations, read poems, sing. And I just lost the gift of speech and cried from an excess of emotions. This is Peter.

At the outlet of the subway in front of me the stairs rose grandmother and a five-year-old boy. Coming out on the spring of the Moscow Sun, the baby, stopping, with the sun, said: "Strange melancholic state ..." "Do not drive yourself into this emotional trap," answered Granny, and they headed for the entrance to Pushkin. Cultural Moscow.

I live in Germany. who can repulse "Kraftsoyghaftpflikhtferzicorung", without making pauses to gain air, call the frying pan "Cavaraska", because, damn, Russian is very complex!

About love

After my business broke, I worked for two months a taxi driver, I didn't say anything to my wife. Today I learned that she knew everything and secretly worked as a tutor of English language. I love her.

When I went to school, my mother always wakes me in the morning, now I study in another city a few thousand kilometers, I have to study for half the ninth, and my mother for ten works, but every morning she calls me at seven in the morning and wishes good morning. Take care of your moms - they are most valuable that you have.

Most of his childhood spent often from Mom at work in the Children's oncological rehabilitation center.
So for the whole life an indelible impression left one 17-year-old girl with her boyfriend. She had an osteosarcoma, there were several sessions of chemotherapy, cut off the left leg above the knee. One time came to visit the guy, that girl he declares, they say, let's disappear, I do not want to spoil your life. The guy told her solid "no" and stated that she was the best for him.
Not so long ago, they met them. She is in the trousers, with a prosthesis, of course, go, holding a hand, with them two children. Talked, in the conversation, the eldest son (he was 6), proudly stating that his mother was the best, because she is a terminator.