Divorce is a rather unpleasant phenomenon not only for adults, but also for children. When parents get divorced, it does not bring happiness and satisfaction to anyone. Even in situations where all this action takes place with the consent of both parties, both the spouse and his wife (now the former) still experience negative emotions - pain and disappointment.

The number of divorces in the Russian Federation, unfortunately, is huge - RosStat cites statistics, according to which it can be concluded that half of the marriages in our country, one way or another, break up.

Surprisingly, people who have been together for more than 5 years are getting divorced.

In such long marriages, there are most likely children who, after this unpleasant process, ask themselves the question of how to survive the divorce of their parents?

Of course, there are many situations when divorce is the only option, however, it is the adult who makes this difficult decision, and all that remains for the children is to accept it and move on.

The consequences of divorce for children are always sad. Regardless of the nationality, character and other attributes of the child's personality, all kids love mom and dad equally. And this is really so, since for any person in the world there is no one dearer than a father and mother.

As a result, after the separation of the parents, the child may lose touch with one of them.

It is quite difficult for Chad to survive this tragedy, and he will need help.

If you have no idea how the child feels, conduct a simple experiment. Just triple your feelings. Perhaps then you can feel at least his approximate pain. But this is not the end.

Let's figure out together how children feel when their parents get divorced.

Feelings and experiences

Oddly enough, but the greatest negative impact is on children who have not yet been born. If a pregnant girl is going through a divorce process, then her child also receives all the bad experiences. Like any other problem, dissolution of a marriage is very stressful for anyone. And stress is very harmful to any organism. And even more so for the undeveloped. Based on this, there is a great likelihood that the baby will have further nervous system disorders, which is very bad. In addition to all this, the baby will be capricious, constantly crying and often get sick, which, most likely, will manifest itself in the future. However, babies are not the only ones experiencing negative emotions in the process. Any child after the divorce of his parents experiences almost the entire range of negative experiences.

You, as a parent, need to understand this in detail and try to help your child cope with this unpleasant situation.

The child's behavior can show that he is indifferent to the situation.

In principle, this can be justified by the fact that, perhaps, everything went to divorce for quite a long time - this was evidenced by constant screams, quarrels and other unpleasant conflicts. The offspring may simply think that this end is quite logical. And here the situation may be as follows:

• the child really doesn't care about breaking up his parents,
• he hides stress within himself.

The latter is very dangerous.

The fact is that stress should slowly, for some time, be eliminated on its own. No one is protected from it, but, nevertheless, the sooner you get rid of it, the better. If you leave everything as it is, then stress will accumulate inside your nervous system, and someday it will spill out in a very bad way both for you and for those around you.

How to explain divorce to a child?

If you have made the decision to part with your spouse completely and irrevocably, then you need to think over the scheme according to which you will tell the child this unpleasant news. This is perhaps the main point from the category of the guide "how to help a child survive the divorce of his parents?"

However, if you have not yet decided on the divorce proceedings, do not rush to inform your child about it. This way you will just ruin his nerves. Especially if at the end it turns out that you still make peace with your spouse.

Do this only when you are one hundred percent sure that reconciliation with your husband is impossible under any circumstances.

As we said earlier, the divorce of parents for a child is a rather difficult event. The child cannot be kept in the dark about this. He will find out this anyway, so it will be better if someone directly from the parents tells him this information.

How to prepare a child for a parental divorce?

We will now tell you how to inform your child of a divorce. The first thing to start with is the choice of the person who will tell this to the offspring. Who exactly it will be, you decide. But in most cases, this opportunity is given to the mother. However, the father can also talk to the child. Often, by the way, it also happens that both spouses report this news together.

If neither you nor your husband can say these words to the child without any vivid emotions, then ask your relatives to conduct a conversation on this topic. However, when choosing a messenger with bad news, you must understand that the child must have confidence in him. This will make it easier for him to realize that his parents are divorced.

In order to find out how your children are going through the divorce of their parents, be sure to attend this dialogue.

Before informing your child about the divorce, be sure to think over all sorts of answers to questions that your child may ask you. In doing so, try to find the right time. After all, you must admit that it is not known how to survive the divorce of parents for a teenager in the event that this news is reported to him when he is not in the mood. Or when he has some important business on his nose that he has planned for a certain amount of time.

If the child's nerves are already at their limit, then this news can even finish him off. Therefore, before you explain to your child that the parents are getting divorced, be sure to think over all the smallest details. How the child will treat you in the future directly depends on this.

How to explain to a child about the parents' divorce if he is small?

Of course, every offspring has the right to know the details of your family life. However, you should also understand that, due to their age, not every child will be able to perceive the information that is presented to him. If the child is less than 3 years old, then it's better not to say anything about it at all. Better to wait until he asks himself.

How not to injure a child during a divorce

In order to understand how to tell your child about the divorce, try to put yourself in his place. Of course, he would not like to be spoken to harshly, openly and dishonestly. Therefore, try to use the pronoun "we" more often in relation to yourself and your spouse, and also to support the child in every possible way. In no case should you lie about the fact that your father allegedly "flew into space" and say other unintelligible things.

This can negatively affect your future relationship with the child.

We hope you figured out how to behave with a child in a divorce and learned how to tell your child about a divorce. If you conduct the conversation correctly, you will never know how divorce negatively affects children.

1. “The most difficult thing is constant moving from one house to another and back. It was a punishment for me! I couldn't wait to go to university and for the first time in ten years I can live in one place, ”- Maria, 18 years old.
2. “I realized that my mother is a big selfish person. She initiated the divorce because she thought she had found the love of her life. And he didn't even leave his wife! Now we have a good relationship, but I cannot forgive her for that yet, ”- Christina, 23 years old.
3. “I couldn't wait for them to get divorced! My parents didn't get divorced until I was 18 years old, sort of for my sake. And if they did it earlier, everyone would be better, ”- Irina, 25 years old.
4. “The divorce helped me see both of them in a new light. I realized that all good things come from only one of them, and I moved away from my mother. Parents are individuals, not just a couple. ”- Emilia, 38 years old.
5. “I hate it when people say that after a divorce, a child will have two houses and twice as many toys. All children want one home! " - Katerina, 40 years old.
6. “My parents divorced when I was nine, and my mother’s new husband moved in with us almost immediately. I did not understand why they divorced, and after a couple of years I was surprised that they were together at all. Both found happiness in new families. It’s good that they didn’t save the marriage for me, like the parents of my friends. ”- Sarah, 27 years old.
7. “I hated going from mother to father and back. When I grew up and divorced myself, my ex-husband and I rented an apartment where the children lived, and we ourselves came to them in turn and lived for a week. Problems should be solved by parents, there is no need to recoup children, ”- Anna, 29 years old.
8. “Parents did everything together, and only after their separation I realized how different they are both in hobbies and in character. Alas, we combined with one of them like water and oil, that is, in no way, ”- Elena, 30 years old.
9. “When my parents divorced, I realized that there is not much point in fighting for a relationship if everything ends in separation. I parted with my current husband three times, thinking that this would be easier than divorce later. And he worked to preserve the relationship. As a result, we went to therapy, and now I stopped thinking about it all the time, ”- Lucy, 31 years old.
10. “I still hope that they will come back together. When I graduated from school, they came to the prom together and sat next to me, and it was so great. And they got divorced because of pressure from their parents ”, - Maria, 18 years old.
11. “They separated when I was 13 years old, and my mother told a lot of unpleasant details about my father. Later I found out that there were problems on both sides, and now I am restoring my relationship with my dad, ”- Arina, 23 years old.

Each family is like a living organism, and it is clear that most happy couples celebrate their family's birthday - the day of their wedding. But no one celebrates the day of the “death” of this organism - the day of divorce, especially if there are children in the family who are watching this process with tears in their eyes. Children after their parents' divorce can be deeply traumatized. They withdraw into themselves, and cannot normally adapt in society, make friends and romantic relationships in adulthood.

A family psychologist will tell you how not to injure a child during a divorce, whom you must turn to if you walk, so that a self-sufficient and self-confident personality is formed from your offspring, and not a squeezed sociopath.

Divorce of parents for children

The family gives children everything they need, from an early age on the basis of the behavior of mom and dad, they form the concept of marriage. By the same principle, subconsciously they will build their own family in the future. Parents are two of the most important people in life. If parents get divorced, before the offspring there is a choice of one of them, their world collapses like a house of cards. At this time, parents should devote maximum time to their child and consult on how to explain the divorce to the child so that he can understand the act of mom and dad. For a while, you need to forget about personal hostility, your feelings and behave with restraint, to convince the baby that he will not become less loved by each of them, and will be able to see both mom and dad at the first request.

For older children, a subject called "the psychology of family life" is being taught in schools. In this discipline, children are taught that a family is not the result of two people falling in love, but a process in which the beginning and end are not excluded. Psychologist's advice will also help parents who sometimes do not know how to behave with a child during a divorce and how to tell a child about a divorce.

Children who divorce their parents go through several stages of perception of the situation, each of them has its own characteristics. In order for a child to remain a full-fledged member of society after the parents' divorce, adults must carefully study how children experience parental divorce and how to behave appropriately at each stage.

The first stage is anger. Parents get divorced, the child is angry with them, why can't they make peace and live as before, because there were so many good things in their life. It seemed to the kid that he would constantly have both mom and dad, and accordingly, anger at the divorce of parents for a child is a normal reaction. Because of his immaturity, he regards the marriage of his parents as a toy that he loved to play with, but it broke and can no longer perform its functions as before. Telling a child about the parents' divorce at the stage of anger is the most difficult thing, because no matter how small the child is, he hears screams and scandals, which often precede an official divorce.

The influence on the child's psyche must be carried out in such a way that it is clear to him, especially if he perceives the family as a broken toy and wants it to work as before. Explain that now, instead of one old toy, he will have two completely new ones that will be much more interesting for him to play with. New toys mean two new families, which will subsequently appear on his mother's side and his father's side.

The second stage is fear. This is perhaps the strongest feeling that children feel after their parents divorced. If, living in a full-fledged family, the child felt safe and protected, then in the process of new events, he is no longer sure of anything, and does not know what awaits him. If there are ex-spouses, then maybe there are ex-children? This question is very often asked by children when parents are divorced. The kid feels the loss of one of his loved ones and is afraid of losing those who remained with him. If at this time adults do not decide how to help the child survive the parents' divorce, then this fear will only increase and disrupt the child's psyche, developing into complexes, paranoia and even some developmental deviations.

Feelings of guilt are another stage. It is difficult to predict the consequences of divorce for children, because even a small cub is already a person, only not formed, and such a turning point in his life can become an impetus for the formation of the basic qualities of his character. The feeling of guilt is very pronounced in children from 3 to 7 years old. The kids are thinking, maybe it's their constant crying and whims became the reason that the parents want to divorce. At this time, the little man will try in every possible way to reconcile the adults, to promise that from now on he will behave better. It is simply impossible to observe his zeal to restore his family without tears in his eyes.

It is important to tell your son or daughter that they are the best and parents would never separate because of them, because they are the most valuable and the best that they have. The guilt that your offspring feels needs to be refuted first. It can be explained that the parents continue to love him, but they will live separately for a while. Over time, their child will get used to the new situation and such a feeling will no longer arise.

How should parents behave?

Parents cannot even imagine how divorce affects children, because sometimes children remain calm outwardly, but inside they experience a huge resentment against adults and feel lonely. To minimize the consequences of divorce on a child, adults must adhere to several rules:

• spend more time with your child, surround him with attention and care. It is important not only to watch TV together, but to play, walk, even if one of the parents lives separately. The kid must understand that for him everything will be as before, only adults will have changes;
• in no case, do not deceive, the baby feels tension in the family, he has the right to know the intention of mom and dad to part. You just need to choose the right time to tell the children about the parents' divorce and find the right words;
• you should not radically change living conditions if, for example, the parents broke up, which is already a lot of stress, there is no need to immediately move to another city or transfer the children to a new school. This is additional trauma;
• do not introduce schoolchildren to the course of everything that happens, adult questions about the type of division of property can be left out of the attention of children;
• never prolong children, if there are several of them, in addition to the fact that the baby is aware of the need to live with only one parent, come to terms with the idea that dad did not choose him or mom decided to keep her sister, can cause severe depression and the development of serious mental illness;
• do not drag children to your side, and do not turn them against the other parent. It is unbearable for a kid to choose between the two most dear people.

Such recommendations will help prepare children for the divorce of their parents, arrange their new life as best as possible. It is not the grandparents who should explain to the child the parents' divorce, but the parents themselves. Raising children is a big responsibility, and when the spouses decided to have a baby, they had to prepare that any issues they would also solve together.

How to tell children about divorce?

How to explain to a child that parents are getting divorced is a very important question that all spouses ask. No matter how old you are 18 or 6, the news of a break in relations between mom and dad always traumatizes the psyche. Adults need to prepare for how to tell the child about the divorce and their inappropriate response. Probably, he will scream cry, ask him to think better, but if the decision to divorce is finally made, adults should not deviate from their intentions, and not say something like: "Well, my father and I will think about it, maybe it will still be formed." ... In this case, you give false hope for the restoration of the family, and if this ultimately does not happen, in addition to resentment, anger and disappointment, the baby loses trust in the parents. Then it will be very difficult to restore good relations with him.

How to prepare a child for divorce, and how a traumatic event can be transferred from the "catastrophe" section to the "new stage of family life" section, will be told by many publications of world psychologists that can be found on the Internet. Our site also has tips that will be useful to parents who do not know how to inform their child about a divorce. The phrases sound very good:

• "You will probably be upset when you hear the news that we will tell you";
• “We understand that you are very upset with our decision”;
• "We understand that you are angry and think that we are destroying everything."

Although these phrases sound rude, they will help the baby think things over and listen to his feelings. He will appreciate the fact that they treat him like a full member of the family and want to talk to him seriously.

Of course, there is no point in using such memorized statements in a conversation with a 3-year-old baby, he will not understand their meaning. Now we are talking about how to survive the divorce of parents to a teenager and tell an almost formed offspring about their adult affairs. If psychological assistance is provided to the child in a timely manner during divorce, he will understand that there is nothing wrong with the parents separated.

How should a child behave?

A school-age child or teenager does not know how to survive the divorce of his parents, but he determines the manner of his behavior based on the situation in the family. If the child has already formed, then he, too, must understand that it’s not bad for him alone, but the parents also need support and understanding. He, as an important part of their family, can help to quickly complete this unpleasant process of divorce, adequately responding to the decision of mom and dad to live separately.

Few children know what to do if parents get divorced, so more often than not they simply run away from home, supplementing the list of adults' problems with their disappearance. Leaving home, or more precisely from the problem, will never solve it. A teenager who is going through a divorce should give his parents a little time to figure out everything, not interfere in adult affairs, but simply fulfill the responsibilities assigned to him - to go to school, to behave well.

In no case, you should not use the divorce of your parents for your own purposes, that is, say "if you buy me this and that, I will stay with you." It is also impossible to set even more parents against each other, this is mean and not fair in relation to them, because they are already going through a difficult period in their lives.

No matter how hard it is to experience a split in the family, children should be fully aware that everything will soon pass and return to normal. It will no longer be so painful to see mom and dad, and on the face of the parents, even if separately, but again there will be a smile and a sparkle in the eyes. Now you know how to explain to the child about the parents' divorce and how the divorce affects the children. Summing up, I would like to note that you should never live in marriage for the sake of common children. The family illusion will not bring joy to anyone. Over time, the guys will grow up and will not appreciate the actions of their parents, and mom and dad will not be able to start their lives over again.

According to statistics, in Russia out of 10 couples who have cemented their relationship by marriage, only five avoid divorce and boast harmonious relationships. Almost every broken family has children whose interests are receding into the background due to the impending catastrophe. Parents forget that a child, faced with an incomprehensible phenomenon of divorce, has his own vision of the situation, different from that imposed on him by adults. How can you help your child cope with parental divorce?

Who gets the offspring?

If the parents get divorced, who does the child stay with? Article 61 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation guarantees parents equal rights to a common child, however, there are nuances that are revealed during the divorce process that can make adjustments to the granting of this right to one of the parents.

What aspects affect the court's decision when determining the child's place of residence after the parents divorced:

• material capabilities of each parent;
• the child's affection (more, less) in relation to dad or mom;
• the degree of care of each parent in relation to the child before the dissolution of the marriage.

If both parents, living together, duly performed their duties and equally provided the physical and moral needs of the child, then the question of the child's place of residence is most often decided formally in favor of the mother. At the same time, the former head of the family will be able to meet and communicate with his son or daughter at any time.

Preschooler's reaction to parental divorce

What if my parents get divorced? Preschoolers perceive the news that their parents are at odds with the only feeling prevailing and suppressing all other emotions - fear. A small child is incapable of realizing the internal factors of a catastrophe and completely assimilates what is happening with his personality - this is he is thrown, they want to hurt him. The depressing situation is reinforced by the fact that during the strife that accompanies divorce, parents are completely focused on their experiences and are not able to pay the necessary attention to a small family member.

During the period of divorce proceedings, children often fall ill with colds, their temperature begins to jump, signs of VSD appear. All these symptoms are the results of a nervous breakdown, manifestations of an internal protest against the destruction of the baby's internal attitudes and attitude.

Since it is the mother (in most cases) who remains with the child after the breakup, she is responsible for restoring the baby's trust in both parents. Mom needs to talk with the little man, in terms of concepts available to him, but not trying to smooth out the bitter truth with a lie. You need to convey to the baby that his dad is still the best, and what happened will in no way affect their ability to see each other, walk together, play.

Considering that the child is still too young to understand the situation correctly, some parents begin to load him with toys, indulge all his whims, and buy more sweets. In no case should this be done, otherwise the child will learn to benefit from the feelings of guilt of other people. In order for a preschooler not to feel offended, it is enough to spend more time with him, communicate and, of course, leave all the clarification of the relationship outside the door of the house.

Divorce through the eyes of a teenager

It is even harder for schoolchildren, confronted with the fact of family breakdown, than for a baby, because an older child, looking for the cause of trouble, will immediately begin to delve into himself. Even the obvious reasons for divorce, such as adultery, alcoholism, lack of love, are not arguments for a teenager in favor of divorce. And if parents also exacerbate the difficult situation by throwing accusations in the child's face such as: “These are all your tricks!”, “If you behaved normally, this would not have happened!”, Then psychological problems will not keep you waiting.

Children over 11 years old, already advertising protest with pronounced deviant (deviant) behavior, often try to smoke, leave the house, doing it demonstratively or deliberately poorly masking the "traces of the crime." In almost 100% of cases, upon learning that the parents have decided to divorce, the child ceases to study well, and teachers begin to complain of worsened, uncontrollable behavior.

You need to talk to a teenager, but moderately frankly. The child cannot be privy to the details of his father's dishonest behavior or tell him that the grandmother is to blame for the quarrels between father and mother. Even if the father living separately remains an authority for him. The standard formula about the loss of past feelings, presented to a teenager in the form of an explanation, will not make a child consider himself as unhappy and offended as the blatant truth about the imperfection of one of the parents.

The attraction of a teenager to their side by each of the parents also threatens with grave consequences. The best mother in the world, according to the father, appears before the child as an unkempt brawler, and the beloved father, at the suggestion of the mother, is an alcoholic and dictator. This pulling of the blanket usually ends with the student running away from the "truth" into the wrong company, and it is already very difficult to get him out of there.

New parent - accept or reject?

Mom, dad and a child are, in the understanding of a teenager, very tightly connected links of one chain. When this connection breaks down, the student makes many attempts to resolve the conflict, and these attempts can last up to several years. It is not surprising that when one of the parents has a new partner, it is always perceived with hostility by the child.

What to do if a child flatly refuses to accept a new person - is he aggressive or withdraws into himself? There are several options to reconcile it with the situation in the family:

• convince the child that the stepfather or stepmother will not interfere in the issues of education;
• spend time with your teenager more often;
• involve the child in helping around the house, explaining this by his indispensability;
• constantly, but unobtrusively, to tell the student how a stepfather or stepmother is worried about his bad mood or low academic performance.

Even a senior student finds it difficult to imagine dad and mom as ordinary people, subject to universal human desires. We need to remind him that adults also cannot live without love and support, and in many ways it depends on him whether his father and mother will be happy or not.

Dad and mom decided not to live together anymore, and the child finds himself at a crossroads. Which side to take? Tell about your experiences and fears or keep to yourself?

Here are 4 key tips for what to do if your parents get divorced:

1. During family showdowns, take a step back, stop focusing on yourself - for adults it is already so difficult, there is no need to provoke unnecessary outbursts of emotions?
2. Start keeping a diary where you write down all your personal experiences in detail. If the situation is unbearable, go to the school psychologist with these notes and tell everything without hiding.
3. You cannot distance yourself from the parent who left the family - he also needs support and love.
4. There is no need to take sides - both participants are to blame for family dramas, and the child should not serve as a "rolling pennant" in matters of "who will win".

And you should also offer your help in everyday matters more often and try to learn better. This will defuse the situation and save parents from unnecessary problems, for example, talking with teachers about academic performance.

Help for parents

What if my parents get divorced? Children experience the destruction of the family structure in different ways, but closing in on the misfortune that has happened is not an option. Even if you really want to hide from problems in the farthest corner, you need to understand that in a shrunken family, problems will not diminish from this. The mother, with whom the child most often lives after the divorce, is now much harder - she has to work harder and bear a double burden of responsibility.

Can a teenager really support a parent in need of help? Here are 5 points that are easy to learn and apply in practice for every student:

• walk more, saving money on travel and keeping your physical condition in good shape;
• it is better to study so that you do not have to spend money on additional lessons;
• temporarily limit pocket money;
• reduce internet consumption and ask the parent to pay for less traffic;
• be more attentive to your health so that the parent does not have to take sick leave and buy expensive medicines.

It is better to replace such entertainments as going to the cinema, to attractions or friendly parties with trips to nature, free exhibitions. This will enrich the inner world and contribute to the preservation of the family budget.

Self-reliance is a step towards growing up

What if my parents get divorced? First of all, help them solve their problems without fearing that their beloved child will get into trouble or start their studies during this time. Let dad and mom see that their child is quite capable of independent steps and initiatives.

It is easy for a teenager to take on some responsibilities:

• washing your own linen;
• purchase of necessary products;
• walking the dog;
• preparing a simple dinner;
• cleaning the house.

If something is new, for example, setting a washing machine program - do not hesitate to ask. It is not at all a shame not to know something, but it is unacceptable to burden a parent, who is already having a hard time, with the burden of additional responsibilities.

Caring for the emotional background

Adults undergoing the psychological pressure of divorce are under constant stress. They may not show it, but they feel very bad and also scared. Often, stress leads to even more serious consequences - depression. It is easy to recognize the disease - a person stops eating, becomes lethargic, loses interest in everything.

If such signs are found in a loved one, he urgently needs help. A sick parent should be persuaded to go to a psychiatrist, but also do not forget about the importance of a comfortable home environment. The apartment should always be clean. If the parent gets very tired at work, then you will have to master the preparation of 2-3 simple dishes and learn how to use all the necessary kitchen appliances.

What else can a child do? Mom and dad, probably, rarely have the opportunity to do something else besides routine daily worries, so you can independently organize the mastery of any skill at home - artistic embroidery, beading, putting together a complex designer. This will distract the sick parent from negative thoughts, and at the same time help strengthen the shrinking family.

5 "not allowed" for parents

Divorce is a situation in which each of the parents seeks to benefit, expressed in both material and moral benefits. In pursuit of personal advantages, adults turn the child into the main object of manipulation, without considering how these actions are interpreted by psychology. Children after the divorce of such parents need long-term rehabilitation, otherwise they can acquire non-healing mental trauma.

Intending to influence the feelings of the "enemy", the parent should know about 5 categorical "no" in relation to the common child. So, you can't:

• prohibit a son or daughter from seeing another parent;
• overturn a whole load of sympathy and overprotection on the child;
• make the child choose with whom he wants to be more;
• being too frank with the child about the reasons for the divorce;
• forcing the teenager to communicate with a new "friend" or "girlfriend" of the parent.

The ideal behavior that would help the father and mother to minimize the harmful consequences of family breakdown for the child is calm, compromise communication with each other, at least in the presence of a small family member. This will give the child confidence that what is happening is not the end of all the best in his life, but on the contrary, it gives the opportunity to dad and mom to realize themselves better and become happier.

Divorce has long ceased to be a socially unacceptable phenomenon; on the contrary, modern films, TV series, books are increasingly promoting ideas about a less conservative understanding of the marriage union.

We are told from all sides that we can and should be happy, if it didn’t work out with one person, we don’t need to torment ourselves and him. Life is one, and everyone has the right to be loved.

It is difficult to argue with this, only there is one essential detail: often in the event of divorce, this is already an equation with other variables. Children are not asked and their opinion is not taken into account, although this decision, just like adults, affects their lives. As a rule, a divorce is stressful for a child, fear of losing a family, and, in the long term, a lack of attention from at least one of the parents. In very sad cases, children become the subject of blackmail and bargaining. But maintaining a relationship that has given a serious crack just for the sake of a child is also a dubious decision.

Many of our authors experienced parental divorce in childhood, and in this article we decided to discuss this experience from the point of view of adults, someone understood and made this decision, someone still cannot forgive. We agree on one thing: it is worth learning from the mistakes of others and avoiding them in our own family.

My parents divorced when I was 6 years old. Do you know how I felt then? Probably, many will be surprised at my answer, but I felt absolutely nothing. No, I felt relieved.

Honestly, I don't remember how I treated my father. If you try to remember something from childhood, then only bad memories come into my head: how dad beat mom, how a drunk man chopped off at the table every evening, and my mom and I had to drag him to bed, how he once just took and threw away all my toys ... When my parents divorced, I didn't care. Although, rather, I was even glad that I no longer have to worry about my mother, that my father could do something to her.

I remember that my classmate's parents also divorced, and she was very worried about this and was very sympathetic to me that such a situation had also happened in my family. She somehow wished me that such horror in my life would never be. But I, fortunately (or unfortunately), do not understand it. I don't see any disaster in parental divorce. For example, if your parents had a fight, you never had to take sides, communicate with someone, and ignore someone. It's the same with divorce. Yes, one of the parents ceases to live with everyone, but he does not become a stranger from this. It’s hard, but we must somehow try to convey this idea to our children so that they do not feel abandoned and do not become selfish, throwing tantrums on the topic of divorce to their parents.

I don’t understand parents who don’t get divorced, trying to keep the family together for the sake of the child. First, what kind of family can we talk about when parents become cold to each other, and sometimes they already have other families on the side? And secondly, children feel everything, and they cannot be fooled by show.

Despite my small age, I felt that my mother felt bad, and I myself was tired of being afraid for her. I am glad that my parents divorced without mocking themselves and me for the sake of preserving the "family".

My parents divorced when I was 7 years old. I don’t remember the vivid conflicts between them, however, as well as the manifestations of tender feelings towards each other during that period. And the divorce did not turn out to be a direct blow for me. I remember that it was sad that on weekends you wouldn’t crawl into bed with your parents, you wouldn’t bury yourself in their blankets, you wouldn’t watch some morning show together, that on Saturdays the whole family wouldn’t get together at a big table ... in such a spirit - in general, not a tragedy, but still "somehow not so". But at the same time, it did not press, because both parents tried to make my sister and I have a good life.

At first, the parents did not communicate much, and there was a feeling of tension when both of them were near. Well, it was clear that my mother was not very happy about our meetings with my father. But then it passed, perhaps largely due to the fact that dad behaved very dignified in all situations, did not give a single reason for any negativity, resentment, or any bad thoughts. He was able to show that my sister and I are important to him, that he loves us, and this was expressed not in a demonstrative form, but simply in ordinary actions. In general, it is probably more difficult for women to manage their emotions, and it is good when a man knows how to control himself, control the situation, and competently “handle” dangerous moments.

I am very grateful to my parents for the fact that, being divorced, they managed to create a normal model of relations with each other, brought up us together, sharing both small and big joys, and the most difficult periods in life. And most importantly, we still have the feeling of a close-knit and strong family! We celebrated all the holidays with our family - either at our home, or at my dad's, in general, where it was more convenient. They loved to drop in to my dad just like that, sometimes even every day - to talk, discuss something over a cup of tea or at dinner. Sometimes even with my mother. And over time, it began to seem to me - then just a grown-up child, but not quite an adult - that it was necessary, that maybe this is even better for everyone. Therefore, for me such a popular question as "Is it worth keeping a family for the sake of children?" in principle sounds a little strange. In my opinion, in some cases, the desire to “save at all costs” can lead to the fact that in such a family it will not be very comfortable for everyone. And it is very possible to feel care, understanding, support, confidence that you are loved and will be there at the right time, regardless of whether the whole family lives together or not.

For many, the relationship of people close to divorce is associated with scandals, all sorts of showdowns, etc. But this also happens in ordinary families, where parents do not even think to "run away", and such behavior is familiar to them. Here and so everything is clear - this cannot be called the correct model, but in both cases it is good when adults nevertheless change their minds, change. This, fortunately, also happens.

Namely, during a divorce, there are other important points that can be deposited in the memory of children. For me personally, it would be a tragedy if I was forbidden to communicate with one of the parents. Also, I think it is terrible when parents set their children up against each other or try to belittle the "other half" in front of children with anything (for example, if we talk about money or some kind of personal opportunities). Compete - who will do more for the child (especially if it is rather demonstrative), emphasizing their "merits" at every opportunity, again, is not the best option. I remember myself as a child, and I don't even want to imagine how I would feel. After all, I loved both of them very much, they were the most important people for me, an example, an authority, and, of course, I would not want to hear something bad about either of them. It seems to me that it is important not to interfere with everything in a heap, not to allow such feelings as annoyance, resentment, anger, jealousy, indifference to somehow reflect on the children. They will grow up and understand a lot for themselves.

Now you won't surprise anyone with divorce. Most of my friends grew up in single-parent families, and this did not affect their character in any way. For some time, it was believed that boys raised by grandmothers and mothers were softer, incapable of decisive action. But life shows back, boys cannot be generalized, as well as girls. There are those who, seeing the efforts of mothers from childhood, try to help as much as possible, then transferring the same respectful attitude to their future wife. And they grow up as egoists in complete and incomplete families.

My parents divorced when I was six years old. I clearly remember this boundary of my childhood, but I try not to return to it. It is difficult to look at your life from the outside, sorting it out point by point. And it's even more difficult to dump personal emotions for everyone to see. Perhaps I will not. I will simply say that I did not feel regret and pity that this happened. Both parents took part in my life, and I always knew about it.

Keeping a family together is important. But even more important are the feelings of the child and the general state of the atmosphere in the house. It is foolish to think that by swearing and communicating through clenched teeth, parents will make their child happy with a complete family. Comfortable where everyone is happy.

I do not like the moments when, during a divorce, spouses begin to denigrate each other in front of a child. Children are small adults and it is wrong to impose your relationship on them. In my case, this was not the case, but, more often than not, it is the place to be.

As for me, I will try to preserve my family as much as possible in order to avoid divorce. I would like my children to grow up in a complete family - this makes them happier, kinder, calmer. But at the same time, I am firmly convinced that divorce and a child in an incomplete family is far from the worst tragedy in the world. Or, not a tragedy at all.

My parents separated when I was 12-13 years old. The reason is banal: the mother is much older than the father, the father found a younger mistress and at first, as they say, went on a spree, just not coming home for weeks, and then left altogether. He left very badly and dishonestly, voraciously, without divorcing, without checking out of the apartment, without helping financially. For his lies, for this betrayal, I will never forgive him. And, although now we call each other, see each other sometimes, for me this is a stranger who will never enter the circle of trust, no matter what he does.

Unfortunately, in this situation, I cannot forgive my mother either. And it is on the aspect of the woman's behavior in this situation that I would like to draw special attention. Looking back, I see a woman who lacked the strength and intelligence to get out of this game with a good face: file for divorce, sue alimony in an honest manner and never try to return and give a second (read: twenty-fifth) chance to a person who treated her like a blank space. How was this manifested? She found out her mistress's phone number and called her late in the evening when her father did not return: I.O. let him go home, tell me! I called with threats, including her sons, who then called back and threatened both her and me. Made me call. She called her father's relatives and complained about him for a long time, painting in paints the meanness and asking for help to "reason" the spouse on a spree. Something there was enchanting with a candle. I will never forget those terrible evenings when I huddled in a corner, in a closet, so as not to hear these conversations, I constantly cried at home.

Now I remember this time and do not understand how I went to school, somehow still studied, did not quit and did not stay for the second year. When my father returned for several weeks, on holidays and on weekends, she made me go everywhere with him (“Let him ride with you, flutter!”), In fact, so that I would watch him and prevent him from leaving for his mistress with my presence. How bitter it seemed to be with my dad, but at the same time to feel that now he has no time for me at all, his thoughts are far away and he only thinks about how to get rid of me. It got to the point that we came to the house, he dropped me off at the entrance and said that now he would drive the car to the garage and come home, but he did not come back. Result: mental trauma, which more or less overgrown me only by the end of my studies at the university, but reminds of itself to this day, the undermined health of the mother, who after that could not find her place in life, became seriously ill and soon left before age to retire for health reasons.

I understand that not every person finds the strength to survive betrayal and get out of such a situation with a reborn phoenix. But when I think about it, I just tear my hair out from how stupid her behavior was, how outdated her judgments were, how absurdly she followed stupid advice (to call, bewitch, manipulate the child - me) and did not listen to those who said: let go and live on. You cannot undo what you have done, but even now, occasionally talking with my mother about the past, I do not find in her answers an understanding of my wrongness: "I wanted to keep the family," "I wanted you to have a father." It would be better if I didn't have a father, but I would only hate one of the parents ...

When my parents officially divorced, I was already, to put it mildly, a big girl, a husband's wife. But the parting itself happened when I was in grade 11, and I was really worried about this parting, although it was obvious to me that everything was going towards this.
I remember countless scandals, tears and tantrums, swearing and insults, it got to the point that I myself could not wait for the divorce to happen, so that peace and quiet would finally reign in the house. I even asked my father to act like a man and leave calmly, without bothering my mother and me.

But six months before that, I could not even imagine that the day would come when my dad would not be at home in the evening, not because he was on a business trip, but because he no longer lived with us. That he has a different family, and now he does not need us. Most of the adult environment told me that, having left my mother, my father had betrayed only her, but I categorically disagreed with this. I still disagree. He left - betrayed his FAMILY, not just his wife. And I am part of this family, so I was also betrayed.

I was incredibly angry with him for the fact that he could live in peace, not seeing me every day, not being interested in my affairs, and even, in the end, not scolding me for something. I really missed our evenings, when before going to bed there was a constant "tea party" with mini-buffers - I'm a girl, I follow the figure, so it is unrealistic to persuade me to have a full-fledged sandwich at 10 o'clock in the evening, but a "mini-brooder" - please. I missed my father's jokes, "our" words, our songs. With sadomasochistic pleasure, I sometimes turned on the music that my father liked to listen to in the car, and cried. She cried from resentment, pain, longing and misunderstanding. Now I understand that only the appearance of a loved one in my life at that moment somehow held me back, my thoughts and state of mind are in order, I did not fall into depression, although I could. I was more like a father's daughter, so I missed my father, but I would never admit it to him, on the contrary, I immediately indicated that I could not forgive him. At least for now. Time will tell what will happen next.

And that I was already quite an adult! I can't imagine how I would have endured my father's departure if I were at least five years younger. Intellectually, I understood that in life it happens that people meet other people, that old feelings fade away, and new ones burn with a bright flame of passion, covering their eyes and reason. With my mind, yes, but with my heart I didn’t want to understand and accept it.

More than one year has passed since the separation of my parents, now I communicate normally with my father, and even the parents themselves are on good terms again. But I still remember all the pain that I went through and I will never be able to forget my mother’s glass gaze for six months after the breakup.
In spite of everything, I understand that living with a hateful person for the sake of children is not an option, although I can hardly imagine the possibility of a painless divorce for all family members, especially children. Most of all, I would like my children to never be "children of divorced parents."

And what do you think, based on your own experience or in theory: is it worth keeping a marriage for the sake of children?