Ecology of life. Children: Whether to make comments at all to other people's children is a difficult and very controversial issue. But there are some general rules...

6 rules of courtesy

Whether to make comments to other people's children at all is a difficult and very controversial question. But there are a few general rules. In fact these rules are about good manners and politeness.

General rule number one

Parents deal with children.

A rule from which, no matter how hard you try to be correct, there are exceptions:

• someone else's child offends your child,
• a strange child takes your toys without permission,
• the parents of someone else's child do not react or they are not visible - and you are forced to intervene.

How?

General rule number two

We do not raise other people's children, we mark the boundaries of what is permissible in relation to our child and our right to our toys, things, gadgets.

How it looks (sounds) in practice.

• Not "don't push" but "I don't let you push my girl" or "please don't push my girl".
• Do not "do not touch!", But "this is our scooter, I do not allow you to take it", or "this is our scooter, before taking it, please ask Masha for permission."

We do not raise other people's children, we establish (control) the rules of the game.

• Not "don't take away Masha's scooter!"
• Do not "give Masha the scooter", but "now it's the car's turn to ride", and hold the scooter tightly.

Why is it important to intervene in children's conflicts (especially in toddlers)?

Psychologist Irina Katin-Yartseva says:

“The rules of peaceful coexistence, the rules of politeness, did not appear in mankind in a year or two, it is the fruit of a thousand years of trial and error. It is unlikely that any of us consciously wants to neglect this experience and raise children like little savages.

Therefore, our task and responsibility as adults is to teach children socially acceptable, civilized ways of communication and conflict resolution. And by intervening in children's quarrels, we show them a model of correct interaction."

General rule number three

We do not evaluate the behavior of the child, we ask him not to cause discomfort to other people (us).

• Not "don't dangle your legs, it's ugly" and even more so not "sit up straight, girls shouldn't dangle your legs", but "please be careful, you hit me with your legs."

If someone else's child interferes with you, for example, dangles his legs on the bus and hurts you - not "don't kick" or "don't dangle your legs", but "please don't kick me."

General rule number four

Politeness.

Confident but friendly tone. We do not scold someone else's child, we ask him not to interfere with us. Politeness will also help not to set the child's parents against themselves. And it will not cause a sharp protest against you from the child himself.

Children learn social interaction from adults. Respect the baby, and when he grows up, he will respect you when you grow old. Don't yell at someone else's child and he won't yell at yours.

General rule number five

What not to do:

1. You can not make comments when the baby is crying. No matter how uncomfortable it may cause you, the parents will figure it out themselves. No matter how hard it may seem to you that your parents are not coping, your parents will figure it out themselves. Only parents know why the child is crying, why the child does not stop crying and what to do to make the child stop crying.

2. Be familiar with the child."Why are you fighting?" "Why are you crying" - this is familiarity. And for children, it is just as offensive as for adults, but the child, due to age and subordination, cannot adequately answer you and protect his boundaries, which you violate by the form of address, abruptly entering the child’s close circle.

3. Discuss the behavior of the child and his parents in the third person with the child and parents. This is an unacceptable violation of the personal boundaries of the child and parents. It is clear that you are angry and you want to "revenge", but refrain, do not stoop to the bazaar level.

General rule number six

Address parents without accusations, without rudeness.

Valid forms:

"Please intervene, your little one is upset that I won't give him our scooter."

- "It seems that a quarrel is brewing in the sandbox. Is your child there?"

- "Excuse me, could you hold the baby's legs?"

- "Help me, please, organize a queue for the hill."

And if the parents asked for forgiveness for their baby and intervened in the situation, you should not continue the conversation. published . If you have any questions on this topic, ask them to specialists and readers of our project .

RIGHT parenting

Each of the parents is in a situation where they have to decide whether it is worth making a remark, calling for order and discipline of someone else's child in the case when their own parents are inactive, or they are not around at the moment.

“Is it necessary to intervene and calm down this tomboy?” adults think. At the same time, you know perfectly well how to discipline your child, but using your own methods, you can go beyond what is permitted.

Problem number 1. You are with other parents and children in the playground. Your toddler is playing with a toy and another child comes up to him and tries to take the toy away. His mother doesn't react to it at all. Should you call the bully to order?

Solution. It will not be bad if you allow the children to resolve their joint conflict. This will allow children to learn to solve their problems on their own already in early age. But it is worth intervening if the other child is larger and older, and the skirmish can turn into a fight. In this situation, stand between the children and invite them to play together or take turns. If that doesn't work, encourage them to play apart to keep the peace.

Problem number 2. You and your toddler are on the playground and an older child is trying to get the younger one into a fight. Parents are not around. Should you discipline someone else's child?

Solution. Parents always understand what can cause injury or accident. And if you feel that the actions of another child are intended to cause harm, then in a loud general voice command "Stop!" or "Don't fight!". This is enough to attract attention and distract the guys from what is happening. If this does not help, then you can take your baby to another part of the playground away from the fighter or ask the bully where his mother is in order to tell her about what is happening.

Problem number 3. You saw someone's child push yours to the ground and he fell. However, it is not noticeable that the mother of the offender was in a hurry to make a remark to her offspring. Should you influence her child?

Solution. Always pay attention to aggressive behavior. Intervene in the situation and ask the bully where his parents are. In a crowded playground, kids aren't always in their moms' sight, so parents may not see or know their kids are misbehaving.

Problem number 4. Friends brought their child to visit you and asked to look after him for a couple of hours. The child behaves naughty and capricious, for example, does not want to wash his hands before dinner or, sitting at the table while eating, changes TV channels. Your child obeys you, but the stranger ignores all the comments. Should you suggest to the naughty?

Solution. Before you agree to babysit someone else's child, even if it's from your closest friends' family, be sure to establish some basic rules of discipline. Find out if the parents themselves indulge the bad behavior of the child, if they have methods of punishment. Often, mom and dad want their children to have the same discipline that is established in their home.

You should agree in advance with your friends on the methods of their upbringing, which you can apply in communication with the child, or those that you use in your own practice. This will help you to better control the situation when the baby is in your home, and will not allow conflict with the parents.

Problem number 5. Family friends with son at your home for your child's birthday party. The boy does not want to say "please" and "thank you" in any way, even in the presence of his mother. Should you reprimand an ill-mannered boy?

Solution. It's incredibly hard to keep your mouth shut when parents are openly ignoring an obvious problem with their child. Instead of raising a child in the presence of his parents, just show more attention and friendliness to children who can say the words "thank you" and "please." Thus, you will not cross the border of what is permitted, and your smile and praise - The best way start confronting ignorance.

Problem number 6. Your child patiently stands in line, while the other at this time shamelessly wedged in front. Should you chide the cheeky one?

Solution. This awkward moment, when the mothers and fathers of other children see that someone else's child is showing miracles of bad manners, and expect that one of the parents of the naughty one is about to appear from the crowd, make him a suggestion in a stern voice and apologize to the others. What if that moment doesn't come? In this case, it makes sense to approach the child and explain that he is wrong, and he should stand at the end of the line.

Some children are rude because they were not taught to communicate in a different way, and some behave in a boorish way, because they feel complete impunity in the absence of their parents. In the latter case, it is always better to intervene and calmly point out to the child that he is wrong, in the future this will only cause understanding and approval from his parents.

It happens that we are faced with a situation where other people's children behave worse than ever. At such moments, a whole catastrophe occurs in the head: to make a remark or remain silent so that there is no conflict with the parents of a naughty child.

However, sometimes there is no choice left and a remark still has to be made. But, the question of how to avoid disagreements with the parents of the prankster in the future remains open. Here are 6 rules that will help not only besiege the robber, but also prevent a quarrel with his parents!

1. Talk to the parents of the prankster!

Always try to solve this problem with your parents. Explain to adults that their child behaved unworthily, and ask to talk to him so that this problem does not arise in the future. Most importantly, be as discreet and fair as possible in the conversation.

2. We do not scold, but we defend the rights of our child!

Never explain to someone else's child what can and cannot be done. Your main argument should be the interests of your child. Therefore, instead of saying “Stop throwing mud!”, say to the robber “I do not allow you to throw mud at my son!”. Thus, your remark will be fair, because you are only protecting your child.

3. No evaluation of the behavior of someone else's child!

No one has the right to evaluate the behavior of other people's children, let alone announce it in a public place. However, there is always the inviolable right to defend your comfort. Try instead of the words “Put away your backpack!”, Use “Careful, please, you hit me with a backpack!”. At the same time, try to show not aggression, but friendliness.

4. Be polite!

Before giving a comment, think about what exactly you want - to ensure that the prankster stops being naughty, or just yell at the child. Any harsh word in his direction can only worsen the situation, as he will want to do more dirty tricks in order to take revenge on the offender. The best option is to be confident, but friendly.

5. Do not violate the boundaries of what is permitted!

No matter how annoying the child is, never make comments to him while he is crying. Leave this problem to his parents. Also, never talk about parents and their child in the third person when they are around. In any case, if mothers and fathers cannot cope with the child, then only they should correct this situation. And it doesn't matter how long it takes.

6. Be adequate when addressing the parents of a prankster!

If your appeal about the child's bad behavior was heard the first time, then close this topic. But if the parents continue to be inactive, then ask again politely for your request. For example, instead of saying "Your child is taking my son's ball again!", say "Your kid is upset again that I won't give him our ball!".

As much as you would like to immediately stop bad behavior someone else's child, try to remember that you are the adult. Therefore, the entire responsibility for solving the problem lies with you.

If every adult adheres to these rules, then all the children of the world will not only learn to solve any problem without aggression, but will also grow up to be more balanced and fair people.

Let's analyze whether we have the right to make comments to other people's children? If - yes, then how to do it correctly, what can and cannot be said to someone else's child. In what situations is the intervention of an outside adult simply necessary and how should you behave with parents who do not want to respond to your comments? Let's highlight the basic rules of behavior and communication with children.

It is sad that modern children know much less about politeness than children of previous generations. Often people are outraged and even lost at the uncivilized and ignorant actions or sayings of other people's children in public places. But what can be done in a situation where the remark just wants to be expressed? And is it possible to do this in relation to other people's children, and most importantly - how to do it tactfully and politely?

Do we have the right to make comments to other people's children

Last year (in 2017), a video circulated on the Internet for quite a long time: in line at the checkout, a child was pushing a man with a grocery cart, while the mother of the child did not show any reaction. After the man's patience ran out, he took a carton of milk and poured its contents over the little bully. This behavior of the man divided the netizens into two oppositions. One opposition strongly supported the child, who in any case should be protected by the mother, the other supported the man, saying that such children and their mothers should be put in their place.

But who is right in this situation and how should a person behave?

In fact, to intervene or not to interfere is up to everyone to decide on their own due to good breeding. Here you need to be aware that teaching other people's children is not your concern, this should be done by their parents. Therefore, any complaints can only be made to parents. But still, there are times when intervention must occur:

• If the child's parents are not around, and the situation requires an immediate response from adults;
• If the parents just don't want to get involved, for example, believing that a child cannot and should not be brought up before the age of five. And at this time the situation requires permission;
• When the child's behavior can cause material harm to other people. For example, you are a store employee, the child’s mother has gone to another department for groceries, and at this time her child is running around with expensive goods;
• When a child's behavior could cause physical harm to your child, you, or others. Yes, that happens too. For example, there are often cases in which the mother stranger child she talks enthusiastically on the phone or with her friends and does not notice at all how her child begins to beat, push yours. As a result, your child may be injured, and there is no need to expect anything here, since the price of waiting is the health of your child;
• When someone else's child violates the comfort and convenience of other people. For example, on the bus, he kicks your bag with his shoes, deliberately crunches crisps loudly next to you in the cinema, knocks on your seat with his feet.

But it is necessary to distinguish between cases in which children may behave intentionally indecently or appropriately. age characteristics. For example, if a child runs around the lobby of a hospital (bank, shop, etc.), then this is quite natural behavior, because all children are active and cheerful, and it is natural for them to run and have fun ...

A completely different situation is when a child behaves badly, while parents do not pay any attention to it. It is the latter that can lead to a feeling of permissiveness and other consequences.

What can be the conclusion? Every child should have boundaries! These boundaries, which involve following social rules, can make us polite, kind, and human.

In addition, do not forget that moral laws exist, therefore, if children violate them, then there must be punishment, or at least censure. However, this is up to the parents.

Moms take note!

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How to reprimand a child

Consider the 7 main rules for interacting with children, what comments can be made, how they should be made, what can be said and done in relation to someone else's child, and what is strictly prohibited.

If the situation has reached the extreme point of your patience and you want to express dissatisfaction, follow these rules:

1. Always Analyze. If the situation does not require immediate resolution, perhaps there is no need to intervene? Try to put yourself in the place of his parents and find out: is the child’s actions really so boorish, or maybe it’s his age-related behavior?
2. Direct all your dissatisfaction to the parents of the child. Reprimand the child when the parents do not respond to your complaints, and you do not see other ways to stop the situation.
3. Talk to your child in a polite tone. Do not allow aggression, assault, shouting and insults. There are, again, cases when someone else's child attacks your child with obvious aggression, but these are exceptional situations. Often a simple conversation is enough.
4. Your censure and conversation did not lead to the proper result, while the parents do not answer - immediately step aside and do not create a conflict situation. Your mission is over, let it remain on the conscience of his parents, besides, they will reap the fruits of such behavior.
5. Do not judge the behavior of other people's children. No need to explain to them that they are behaving badly. It is important to stop the very fact of disgusting behavior, to express your rejection.
6. Try to explain to someone else's child his misbehavior as your own. You need to imagine that you are teaching your child, because he hears and understands you precisely because you do it as accurately and clearly as possible, with notes of love.
7. Try to stay within limits. Of course, the position of parents who do not respond to the disgusting behavior of their children (sometimes statements like “don’t meddle in someone else’s business”, “he is still small - he will grow up - he will understand”), often irritates, causes a feeling of injustice. But your task is to remain a tactful person, to set an example for your children.

Remember: The most effective method of dealing with rude people is to be a great example of polite behavior, no matter what!

How to behave with the parents of someone else's child who does not respond to comments

As it usually happens, parents "with hostility" perceive the censure of their children by strangers. And sometimes it happens - the comments come unfairly, just such a character in a person who is annoyed by the presence of a strange child nearby.

But often the comments from strangers are fair and need an immediate response to the parents of the child. The main thing is to make these remarks correctly so that parents do not have a desire to get nasty in response to you simply out of principle. How to make comments?

Examples of how to properly reprimand parents:

• Our children are not able to share the slide (swing), let's help them organize the queue.
• There will now be a quarrel between the children, see if your child is among them?
• In this situation, we can not cope without you!
• Your intervention is much needed!
• Could you, during the trip, hold your baby's legs?

Etc…

As you can see, your effective weapon in the fight against ill-mannered children and their parents is tact and politeness. Therefore, in cases where the parents heard and understood your comments, stopped the bad behavior of the child in time, then your further teachings and comments are not needed. By the way, even if they did not hear you and did not take your complaints personally, then you should not continue to make comments, this does not make sense, a conflict may clearly be brewing.

If the parents of the tomboy rudely sent you to "catch butterflies", "kick bamboo", etc., again - there is no need for further remarks and comments, because there is no point - just leave, the nerves will be safer.

We also read:

How to make comments to your child

On the account of whether to make comments not to your child, but to someone else's, each parent has his own opinion. But if you still prefer to interfere, it is important to remain correct and polite, because this is what we want to teach our children.

If you don’t want the parents of someone else’s child to look at you with a withering look, and the baby himself is not upset or offended, it is important to follow a few simple rules and everyone will be happy!

Rule #1

Their parents should speak with children, because they are the authority. But there are situations to which there are exceptions, and you still need to intervene. This, for example, is the case if someone else's child takes away his own toys from yours, offends him, beats him, and the parents of the little bully do not react or they simply are not around. What's the right way to talk to someone else's baby?

Firstly, you need to be aware that you do not have the right to teach and educate a child who is not your own, he has parents for this. You just need to show your baby the boundaries that should not be crossed in relation to you or your child.

For example, instead of saying "stop messing around" or "don't fight," you should say "please don't push Ksyusha (your daughter)" or "I don't let you push Ksyusha." Instead of shouting: “don’t touch the bike”, say: “this is our bike, if you want to ride, ask Ksyusha if you can take it.”

It is important to establish your own rules without insulting the child or hurting his feelings. For example, instead of yelling, “Don’t take Ksyusha’s toy away,” say, “Let’s share. Now Ksyusha will play a little, and then she will give the toy to you.” Or don’t “give Ksyusha the scooter”, but “now it’s her turn to ride” and don’t give the transport to the baby, keep him near you.

Intervening in such cases in small children's conflicts is very useful and correct, because with your polite example you will show how disputes can be resolved without screaming and resentment, and children absorb everything like a sponge. In the next similar situation, when the baby gets older, he will not scream at a friend, but will act the way you always did.

Rule #2

In no case should you evaluate the behavior of the child or his upbringing, it is enough just to ask him not to interfere or harm you or your child. Instead of saying “stop kicking me” or “girls don’t do that,” say “please don’t kick me, I don’t feel good.” You can also contact the parents and ask them to talk to the child if he does not respond to you.

Rule #3

The tone in which we voice the request for the child should be polite and friendly. Firstly, the child will feel it and he will not have a desire to do you “for evil” in case of a hostile attitude. He will not be frightened and will not cry, and also the parents of the baby will not be unhappy with your remark.

Remember that courtesy and mutual respect are the key to a healthy society and it must be shown to children from an early age, then there is a chance that a stranger will not attack your child with aggression.