The child can be compared to a mirror. He reflects love, but does not start to love first. If children are given love, they return it. If nothing is given to them, they have nothing to return. Unconditional love is reflected unconditionally, and conditioned love is returned depending on certain conditions.

The love between Tom and his parents is just an example of a conditional relationship. As Tom grew up, he longed for a closer and warmer relationship with his parents. Unfortunately, his parents felt that they had to constantly push him to get better, and they avoided praise, warmth, and tenderness, unless he actually behaved wonderful and they were proud of him. In other cases, the parents were strict because they believed that too much praise and approval would spoil the child and dampen his desire to be better. They showed their love when Tom behaved remarkably, and the rest of the time they were reserved and reserved. It may have worked well when Tom was young. With age, he had a feeling that he is not loved and appreciated for who he is, that his parents care more about their prestige and appreciation.

When Tom became a teenager, his love for his parents was a mirror image of their love for him. He has learned very well to love them with conditional love. He behaved in such a way that his parents were happy with him, but only in those cases when he needed something from his parents that would give him pleasure. Of course, since Tom and his parents were playing this game, no one could express their love for the other because they were waiting for the other to do something nice for him. In this situation, each family member became more and more frustrated, confused, and puzzled. As a result, an atmosphere of depression, anger and resentment was created in the house, which forced the Smiths to seek help.

How would you handle this situation? Some will begin to lecture their parents: they must demand respect, obedience, etc. from their son. Others will begin to criticize Tom for his attitude towards his parents, demand that he treat them respectfully. And some will even insist on harsh punishment for Tom. What do you think about this?

Many children these days do not feel that their parents truly love them. And besides, I have met such parents who really do not love their children. So this is not just an academic question to think and shake your head: "How bad!" The situation is very alarming.

Dozens of religious sects or mysterious gangs and groups are capturing the minds of dozens of lovely teenagers across the country. How is it that these children are brainwashed with such dexterity, turning them against their parents and all sorts of authorities and authorities, subjecting them to all kinds of eccentric doctrines? The main reason is that these teenagers never felt the sincere love and care of their parents. They feel that they have been deprived of something important, that their parents have missed the chance to give them something vital. What is this? Yes, yes, it is unconditional, unconditional love. When you think about how few children feel loved, comforted, cared for regardless of any inaccuracies in their behavior, it's no wonder how far these gangs of teenagers can go!

Why is there this dire situation? When I talk to parents, I am gratefully convinced that most not only love their children, but are genuinely interested in learning what can be done to help all children. And again and again I find myself convinced: the problem is that parents do not know how to express their love for their children.

How to transfer love

Let's discuss how you can express your love for your child. Children are emotional beings who communicate on an emotional level. In addition, children (and the smaller they are, the more), by their behavior, demonstrate their feelings to us. Just by carefully observing the child, you can easily determine how he is feeling and in what mood he is. In the same way, children have a supernatural ability to recognize our feelings from our behavior, a capacity that most lose as adults.

Very often my sixteen-year-old daughter asked: “What are you angry with, dad?” When I did not realize on the level of consciousness that I really felt this way. But when I thought about it and analyzed my feelings, it turned out that she was absolutely right. Children are made that way. They can be very sensitive to how we feel from the way we behave. So, if we want children to know and understand how we love them, we must behave accordingly, expressing our tender feelings in practice.

The purpose of this work is to analyze how loving parents can translate their affectionate feelings into action. Only in this way can they convey their love for the child, so that he feels that he is loved, fully accepted and respected, and then he can love and respect himself. As a result, parents can help their children learn to love others unconditionally, especially their future spouses and children.

But there is one premise that must be kept in mind before any discussion of modes of expression. It must be taken for granted that parents really love their child and really want to put into practice what they learn here. There is a definite difference between a vague warm feeling towards a child and a deep concern and desire to sacrifice everything that is necessary for the maximum satisfaction of his interests. It's pretty pointless to keep reading the article if you don't want to seriously reflect on it, understand it, and apply its recommendations.

The ways of expressing love for a child can be classified into four types: eye contact, physical contact , close attention and discipline. Each area is fundamentally important. Many parents (and authorities) focus on one or two areas while neglecting others. The role of discipline is overemphasized these days, to the point of completely neglecting all other areas.

I have met many children from respectable families in which the children were disciplined but did not feel surrounded by love. In most of these cases, the parents unfortunately confused discipline with punishment, as if they were synonymous. Every day I see the sad results of this parenting approach. These children behave quite decently while they are still young, however, they are usually too quiet, a little gloomy and withdrawn. They lack spontaneity, curiosity and a childish excess of joy that gushes, all that is characteristic of a child raised in an atmosphere of love.

It is those children who lack the emotional connection with their parents who become "difficult" adolescents. Therefore, as parents, we must focus our attention on all aspects of showing love to our child. Let's first discuss the first way, which is eye-to-eye contact.

How to love your baby - eye contact

When you first think about eye contact, it may not seem like a big deal to your child. However, as we, professionals, work with children, observe the relationship between children and parents, study the data obtained by researchers, we realize how essential eye contact plays. An open, natural, benevolent gaze directly into the eyes of a child is essential not only for establishing good communication with him, but also for satisfying his emotional needs. Although we are not aware of this, we use eye contact as the main means of conveying our feelings, including love, especially to children. The child uses eye contact with parents (and others) for emotional recharge. The more often the parents look at the child, trying to express their love for him, the more he is saturated with this love and the fuller is his emotional reservoir.

What is eye contact? It simply means that you are looking directly into the other person's eyes. Most people don't realize how decisive this is. Have you ever tried talking to someone who stubbornly turns away, avoiding looking at your face? It’s difficult, imagine, and very dramatically affects our attitude towards him. We are rather prettier and more like people with an open and friendly gaze, a sincere smile, a benevolent and friendly attitude towards the interlocutor.

Unfortunately, parents unknowingly can use eye contact to send very different signals to their children. For example, parents can look at their child with tenderness and love only when he is especially good and disciplined or is doing well in school, so that the parents can be proud of him. Then the child perceives their love as conditional. We have already explained above that under such conditions the child cannot grow and develop fully. Since we love the child sincerely, we must not forget that we must always look at him with love. Otherwise, he will receive an erroneous negative signal and will not feel that he is loved unconditionally and unconditionally.

Unfortunately, parents so easily develop the terrifying habit of looking at the child sternly when they insist on their own, especially on something unpleasant for the child. It turned out that The most attentive child listens to us when we look directly into his eyes. But, unfortunately, we "expressively" look into his eyes only in those moments when we criticize, teach, reproach, scold, etc. This is a catastrophic mistake. Using eye contact in a negative sense, alas, is especially effective when the child is very young.

But remember that loving gaze is one of the main sources of emotional nourishment for children. When a parent uses this powerful control in a predominantly negative way, the child cannot help but see his parent in a predominantly negative way. While the child is small, fear makes him submissive and obedient, and outwardly this suits us perfectly. But the child grows up, and fear is replaced by anger, resentment, depression. Ponder Tom's words, this is what you feel in them. Oh, if only his parents knew! They sincerely loved Tom, but did not realize how rarely they looked into the eyes of their son, and, alas, mostly sternly, with reproach or indignation. Unconsciously, Tom guessed that, in fact, his parents loved him in their own way, but due to the fact that eye contact carried only negative emotions, he always had a false idea of ​​how they really treated him.

Tom said, "Nobody really cares about me except my friends." And when I asked: "So anyone?", He replied: "No-no ... Maybe my parents, I don't know." Tom, as they say, theoretically knew that his parents should love him, but practically he did not feel it. Even worse is the habit of specifically avoiding eye contact as a punishment. Alas, how often we hide behind such a harsh measure in our married life! In all honesty, admit this to ourselves! It is much more painful for a child when parents deliberately and deliberately avoid looking at him than when he is physically punished. This affects him depressing and devastating, and it may turn out that he will never forget such difficult moments in his life.

There are some specific situations that arise between parents and children that can have an impact on the rest of their lives, events that the child, and often the parents, never forget. Deliberately avoiding direct eye contact to show your disapproval can turn out to be such an event and a shining example of conditional love. Wise parents will try their best to avoid this.

How we show our love for a child should not depend on our pleasure or displeasure with his behavior. We can deal with the child's misbehavior in other ways that do not interfere with the constant flow of our love for the child. We can talk about discipline, demand it, without stopping the connecting thread of love. For now, we must strongly emphasize that the eyes of parents should constantly radiate tenderness and love, and a stern gaze is not the best way to strengthen discipline.

We are role models

We all know that children learn by modeling roles, i.e. program themselves in our image and likeness. In the same way, children are taught the arts and techniques of using eye contact. If our gaze constantly expresses love and goodwill, the child will learn to look at people as well. If we only strive to express our irritation with a glance, the child will become accustomed to the same reaction.
You, probably, met disgusting and even simply obnoxious children? Most likely, such a child will quickly look at you at the first meeting and immediately avert his eyes. Mostly he will avoid looking at you unless you say or show something very interesting to him. This glancing glance is unpleasant and annoying and annoying. Observe how parents look at this child? Doesn't it seem like it?

Imagine all the long-term unpleasant consequences that the child will experience in the future. Imagine how difficult friendships and other emotional relationships in life will be for him. How hostile and hostile his peers will treat him, not only now, but always, since the possibility that he will be able to overcome this type of communication is unlikely. Firstly, he does not realize this, and secondly, it is extremely difficult to change this type of emotional communication, unless the parents change their type of eye contact before the child has grown up. This is the only hope for the child.

The perfect confirmation of this tragedy - the lack of emotional contact - was obtained during an experiment in the children's department of one therapeutic clinic. The researcher sat at the end of the hallway, recording the number of times nurses and volunteers entered each child's room. It turned out that some children were visited many times more often. The results were amazing. Of course, it was necessary to take into account to some extent the severity of the disease and, accordingly, the need for increased care for certain patients. But all this together could not explain the huge difference in contacts. You probably guessed it by now. The more outgoing children were more popular and received more attention. As soon as a nurse or volunteer took a free minute or subconsciously decided which ward to enter, they naturally chose those children with whom it was most pleasant to communicate. In the United States, volunteers can take care of hospital patients, including children, for free.

What are the reasons why some children are attracted to hearts more than others? It is liveliness and sharpness, the ability to speak well, spontaneity and childlike openness, but the most constant factor is eye contact. The least popular are those children who, instantly casting a glance at the visitor, immediately lower their eyes or turn away. Accordingly, it is more difficult to communicate with children who avoid looking you in the eye. Naturally, adults feel uncomfortable with such children. Nurses or volunteers, not realizing how important their initiative is in spontaneous communication, were mistaken in thinking that sick children want to be alone or simply do not sympathize with the nursing staff.

As a result, these children were instinctively avoided, which exacerbated the feeling of loneliness in patients. It seemed to them that they were not loved, that they did not want to see them, that they were neglected. The same thing happens in thousands of homes, including Tom's. If his parents often looked at their son with warmth, benevolence and tenderness and their gaze expressed unconditional love, this situation could be corrected. If they knew this and other basic ways of showing love to their son (which we will discuss below), they would not have such complications with their son.

Sudden Infant Mortality Syndrome (Cradle Death)

Important data were obtained from research in the pediatric department of the university clinic. Studied the so-called sudden infant death syndrome, or rather, an illness leading to sudden infant death (death in the cradle). In this disease, the infant, usually between 6 and 12 months of age, suddenly stops developing. He often stops eating and growing, becomes lethargic and lethargic, and may die for no apparent reason. All laboratory tests and health indicators are normal. Why does a child lose motivation to live? Because his parents subconsciously reject him. Unable to cope with this feeling at the level of consciousness, they reject it with their behavior. Formally fulfilling their parental responsibilities, providing the child with food, clothing, etc., emotionally they avoid eye contact and physical contact with their child.

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is a frightening phenomenon, but there is even more dire evidence that was obtained during the Second World War. During the Nazi raids on London, for the safety of young children, they were evacuated from the capital and placed in the provinces. The parents of the children remained in London. The children were well groomed, well fed and kept clean and physically comfortable. However, due to the fact that there were not enough educators, they were deprived of emotional care, there was no one to provide everyone with emotional nourishment in the form of a gentle physical touch and a gentle loving look.
Most of the children were found to have emotional deviations and defects. It would be much better to leave them with their mothers. The danger of emotional trauma is much stronger than the physical danger. The dangers and pitfalls of an emotionally weak child are dire. Parents, make your child strong! Your most powerful weapon is unconditional love!

Eye contact and learning

When I work with early childhood teachers, I enjoy teaching teachers about direct eye contact and physical touch, and I talk about how this has a positive effect on reducing anxiety and improving a child's learning ability.

The teacher will easily distinguish a child with clear signs of increased anxiety, fear and emotional immaturity by how difficult it is for him to look into the eyes and maintain such contact for a long time. Minor or even moderate emotional deprivation can reduce the child's need to look people in the eye openly.

In addition, it is much more difficult for a child with excessive anxiety to approach an adult, and often a peer. A child, whose emotional reservoir is full, calmly and straightforwardly approaches the teacher, does not hesitate to look at him with an open and clear gaze and say what is on his mind, for example: "May I have a piece of paper?" It is more difficult for an emotionally disadvantaged child to make even such a trifling request. Usually in the class it is not difficult to find at least one student (usually a boy) who is so frightened and worried that it is difficult for him to look in the eyes, he speaks slowly and with difficulty, stuttering and coughing inappropriately, approaches the teacher timidly and sideways, sometimes even backs away in fear. Naturally, such a child also finds it as difficult to study as communication, he is so constrained and anxious.

When there is such a student in the class, I advise the teacher to approach him as often as possible or sit him closer, on the first desk, look into his eyes (as long as the child can withstand), touch him, talk to him. A little later, when the child has already got used to the teacher, I again ask the teacher to hug such a timid child by the shoulders, explaining something new to him.

The teacher is amazed, and every time I am amazed at how much better such a frightened child starts to learn if his emotional needs are satisfied. A gentle gaze and gentle, reassuring touch reduced anxiety and lessened the child's fears, and strengthened his sense of security and self-confidence. Therefore, it became easier and more interesting for him to study. Just? Of course. Then why don't we do it more often? I think for many reasons, starting with a feeling of fear that we will look incompetent in the eyes of colleagues and children, or the fear of spoiling or harming a child. If there is anything we shouldn't worry about, it is that we are giving the child too much love.

In a new home

As a father, I am truly grateful that I learned about the important role that full eye contact plays. This has influenced in the most positive way the communication with my own children. I remember we moved to a new house, I will never forget how it happened. Our boys at that time were respectively 6 and 2 years old, and they were happy, energetic and moderately independent boys. A week after the move, we noticed a dramatic change in their behavior. They began to be capricious, pester, get upset over trifles, fight over nonsense, always get underfoot, get annoyed over little things. All this time, my wife Pat and I have been furiously housekeeping from morning until late at night, trying to get our new house in order before I go to my new job. The boys, of course, got on our nerves and annoyed us a lot, but we believed that the move was to blame.

One night I began to analyze the behavior of the guys and tried to imagine myself in their place. Suddenly it hit me like a butt on the head! Although my wife and I were with the guys all the time, we were so busy with household chores that in fact we did not pay enough attention to them, we had no time to look at them with tenderness and love, and even more so to touch them, listen to them with affectionate attention, we were so busy and tired. Therefore, the emotional reservoir of the children dried up, and with their behavior they asked: "Do you love me? Now that we are in a new place, are you and I all right?" This is so typical for children at a turning point.

As soon as I realized what was the matter, I shared my thoughts with Pat. It seems to me that at first she was very skeptical, but the children behaved so badly that the wife was ready for anything. The next day, we tried to look them in the eyes as often as possible when they spoke to us (active listening) and when we spoke to them (close attention). Whenever possible, we hugged them and gave them close, concentrated attention. The change was amazing. As soon as the emotional reservoir of children was filled, they again became themselves, radiating happiness and energy, restless boys, they were less confused under their feet, again willingly played with each other and were happy with life. My wife and I were also pleased not only that the children did not bother us anymore, but, more importantly, that they were happy.

It's never too early

Let me illustrate once again the importance of direct eye contact. The infant's eyes begin to focus somewhere between two and four weeks of age. One of the first images that attracts the attention of a child is a human face, but he especially gazes intently into human eyes. At 6-8 weeks, you can see that the baby's eyes, like two radars, are looking for something all the time. You already understood, of course, they are looking for a meeting with the eyes of another person. The child is only two months old, but he is already looking for a source of emotional nourishment, already at this age it is necessary to replenish his emotional reservoir. Amazing, isn't it? It is not surprising that emotions and connection with the world are formed so early.

Many researchers emphasize that the main personality parameters, type of thinking, style of speech and other fundamentally important character traits have already been formed by the age of five. It is never too early for us, as parents, to show our constant, persistent, unselfish affection for children. In order for a child to most effectively cope with the difficulties of modern life, our unconditional constant love is simply vital for him. And it is in our power to give it in the most simple and effective way - with a loving and gentle look. It is a big mistake to use only a strict gaze as a means of controlling children. Each parent decides for himself whether his gaze, turned to the child, will express unconditional, unconditional love.

How to love your child - physical contact

It would seem that the easiest way is to express your love for a child with an affectionate touch. Nevertheless, an amazing fact: studies have shown that most parents touch their children only when necessary: ​​helping them to get dressed, get into the car, etc. You rarely meet a parent who just like that, of his own free will, without any reason, takes the opportunity to gently touch to your child.

I do not at all mean necessarily kissing, hugging, etc. I just mean any physical contact: touching the hand, hugging the shoulders, stroking the head, patting the hair, jokingly knocking, etc. If you closely observe how parents communicate with children, then in fact most try to minimize physical contact. It seems as if these poor parents believe that their children are mechanically moving dolls, and the task is only to teach them to walk and behave correctly without any help. These parents have no idea what fantastic social opportunities they are missing out on. In their hands is the wonderful secret of strengthening the emotional balance of the child; uncovering this secret and putting it into practice is to succeed in a difficult parenting role.

How your heart rejoices when you are convinced that there are parents who have discovered the main secrets of contact with a child: a loving look, a gentle touch, close attention.

Last summer, my 8-year-old son played for the high school baseball team, and I watched him play in the stadium. There was a man sitting next to me, and I quickly realized that he had instinctively discovered the secret of how to establish the best possible contact with his son. When the boy ran up to his father to say something, they openly and friendly looked into each other's eyes, laughed together, the father now and then touched his son's hand, or hugged him by the shoulders, or clapped in excitement on the knee, on the shoulder , especially when something amused both of them. It was clear that the father used the appropriate contact as best he could, for now, and how pleasant it was for both.

At this time, the eldest teenage daughter came up and sat down next to her father. And here the caring and understanding father behaved correctly. He often looked into his daughter's eyes with a smile, but since she was already grown up, he did not sit her on his knees, like his younger son, and did not kiss her (as he would have done if she was smaller). He just lightly touched her hand, sometimes walking patting her on the knee or hugging her shoulders, holding her to him for a moment, especially if he was telling something funny.

Two valuable gifts

In everyday communication with children, a loving gaze and gentle touch are essential. They should be natural, act in a pacifying manner for the child, not be demonstrative or excessive. A child growing up in a home where parents generously endow him with these valuable gifts will feel confident and calm both with himself and with people. It will be easy for him to communicate with others, and therefore, he will enjoy general sympathy and he will have good self-esteem.

Age-appropriate and consistent eye contact and physical contact are two of the most precious gifts we can pass on to our children. These are the most effective ways to fill your child's emotional reservoir and help him thrive.

Tom's parents, unfortunately, could not reveal the secret of these two valuable gifts themselves. We have already explained how they misused eye contact. They believed that affectionate touch was only suitable for girls, because they needed ostentatious love. But Tom's parents thought boys should be treated harshly like real men. In their opinion, the manifestation of tender feelings will turn Tom into a mama's son, pamper him. These poor parents had no idea that the truth is just the opposite, that the more Tom's emotional needs are met through eye contact and physical touch, especially from his father, the more he will identify with the male gender and the more masculine he will become. ...

Tom's parents were sure that the older the boy gets, the less need he needs for an emotional manifestation of love, especially physical affection. Actually the boy's need for physical contact never stops, only the forms of its manifestation change.

A little boy needs to be stroked, hugged, lullied, pressed to his chest, caressed, kissed, - all these "calf tenderness" as my 8 year old son says. This physical manifestation of love is fundamentally important for a boy and is decisive from birth to 7-8 years old, I emphasize, decisive in his development! Studies have shown that girls under one year old receive 5 times more physical affection than boys. I am sure that this is one of the main reasons that there are much more complications with boys under three years old than with girls. There are 5-6 times more boys than girls in psychiatric hospitals in the USA. And this ratio sharply (several times more) increases in adolescents.

Obviously, boys need the same gentle expression of love (it should be borne in mind that boys often have an even greater need) as girls do in the early years of development. As the boy grows and matures, the need for physical expressions of love, such as hugs and kisses, decreases, but the need for physical contact remains. Now he is more attracted by the male line of behavior. All this fuss, wrestling, patting on the shoulder, fights, playful fights allow the boy to demonstrate growing strength and agility and feel the male support of his father. For a boy, all these "bearish pranks" are no less important means of showing attention and physical contact than "calf tenderness" and girlish lisp.

Remember that the child will never outgrow the need for both types of physical contact. As my sons grow up, they are less likely to tolerate parental hugs and kisses. But sometimes they have such a desire, and I need to be on the alert so as not to miss this opportunity to fondle them. And such a need for tenderness usually arises when they are traumatized (physically or emotionally), very tired, sick, or when difficult moments come for them: grief, illness, fear of sleep, difficulties at school, etc.

As for the physical manifestation of love for boys, I wanted to emphasize one more thing. When a baby is 12-18 months old, there is nothing easier than showing tenderness and affection. However, it grows and it becomes more and more difficult for us to show our feelings. Why? We have already mentioned one of the reasons. It is a false prejudice that "calf tenderness" will make him look like a girl. In addition, there is one more reason: growing up, boys no longer evoke in us inner affection and desire to caress them. A 7-8-year-old boy, with his violent energy and liveliness, irritates many people, gets tired, gets on the nerves, seems unbearable. In order to give the child what he needs emotionally, we must acknowledge these feelings in ourselves, overcome them and strive for inner spiritual growth and improvement in order to fulfill our responsibilities as parents as best as possible.

Now let's discuss what is important to meet the emotional needs of girls. During the first 7-8 years, girls do not respond as directly and directly to emotional deprivation as boys. In other words, their emotional needs are not so obvious. I have met too many children suffering from emotional deprivation, and usually boys are easy to spot - their dire condition is obvious. When you look at girls before puberty, they seem to adjust better to their environment and are less affected by lack of emotional nourishment. But don't be fooled! Although young girls do not explicitly express their grief, they suffer greatly if they do not have sufficient emotional support. This becomes abundantly clear as they get older, especially during their teens.

One of the reasons is physical contact. I emphasized above how vital active expressions of affection (hugging, kissing, stroking, pampering, etc.) are vital for boys at an early age. The smaller the boy, the more important it is. Wherein for girls, physical contact (especially external manifestations of tenderness) becomes more important over the years and reaches its peak at the age of 11. My heart squeezes when I see an eleven-year-old girl who is not getting the emotional nourishment she needs like air. This is a critical age!

Sharon's personality change

"I can't believe! Sharon is absolutely not like herself," sobbed the girl's mother, Mrs. Francisco, during the first consultation about her 15-year-old daughter. "She used to be quiet and shy, rather passive. In fact, she had to be persuaded to do something, especially in recent months. And sometimes it was impossible to force her at all - she completely lost interest in life. She seemed to have run out of all vital energy. I took her to the doctor, but he did not find anything. I talked with the teachers and a school psychologist. ”They are also worried about the apathy, which consumes her longing and boredom.

My friends tried to persuade me not to worry, they assured me that she would outgrow this period. I so wanted to believe they were right, but I was tormented by doubts. One day I got a call from a friend whose daughter is the same age as Sharon. She thinks Sharon is drug abuse. I didn't believe it, but just in case I searched her room and found marijuana. What was she doing! She stamped her feet, shouted that I was spying on her, that I was interfering in her personal affairs, that I had no right to search her. I was overwhelmed by this outbreak. The girl is simply not herself now. Angry, aggressive, common with all the punks, my heart bleeds, when I think what they are doing there. All day long they just roam with these barbarians. What will happen to her? We've lost all control over her! "

"Does she behave the same with her father?" I asked.

"No, for some reason it is much better with him, but it is also more and more difficult for him to find a common language with her. Yes, he can do little to help. He is so busy! He is always not at home. And when he comes, there is still no point, he pays almost no attention to children. Children adore him and dream of playing with him. But he instantly seeks out what they have done (after all, these are children), and pounces on them with remarks. He, of course, actually loves them and about them he cares, I know. But he is so used to interacting with children. "

A tragic story, but rather commonplace. A normal, gifted girl, young, sincere, with a soul open to love. As for any child, the main question of her life is: "Do you love me?" For nearly thirteen years, her parents have consistently had the opportunity to answer her unspoken question and prove their love for her. What is especially characteristic for a girl: her need for active manifestations of love grew over the years and reached a maximum at the age of about 11 years - this supercritical age for a girl (which her parents overlooked), when girls' desperate thirst for increased close attention, gentle and loving gaze sharpens , emotionally intense physical contact, especially with the father.

Preparing for adolescence

Why is gentle parental love so important for teenage girls? Answer: they need preparation for adolescence. Each girl enters adolescence with a different degree of readiness, some well prepared, others poorly.

The two most important aspects of girls' training are their self-image and sexual identity with their gender. Let's take a closer look at the issue of sexual identity in a growing girl. Becoming a girl, she subconsciously or intuitively feels that she will withstand the storms of youth only if she is confident in herself. It is vitally important for a girl to feel “okay”, to be a girl “what is needed”, “first grade”, “one hundred percent”, to arouse approval and admiration, to be “okay.” If at the age of 13-15 she feels self-confident little woman, then her youth will pass relatively painlessly and calmly, bypassing the chasms and peaks of adolescence. she views herself as a woman "o" kay, the less stable she will be and the temptations of youth. The more dissatisfied she is with herself, the worse she evaluates herself as a woman, the easier it will be for her to succumb to the pressure of her peers (especially boys) and the less she is able to maintain the values ​​of her parents.

Sexual identity is the approval of herself as a worthy female representative, and at this age a girl should receive recognition of her importance as a future woman mainly from her father, if he is alive, and especially if he is at home. If the father is dead or does not communicate with his daughter, the girl has to look for other males who are suitable for this role in order to satisfy the emotional need to communicate with the father. But when a father has a harmonious relationship with his daughter, he turns out to be the protagonist who can help his daughter prepare for adolescence in terms of realizing her feminine essence. What a tremendous responsibility falls on the shoulders of the father!
The father helps his daughter to develop a good opinion of himself by approving her. And he does this, applying in practice the principles that we have already discussed: unconditional love, eye-to-eye contact, affectionate physical touch, close attention. The need for this arises for a girl at two years old, but with age it increases and becomes vital for full emotional development at the age of 13-14.

But here's the problem: As the girl grows, the father becomes more and more uncomfortable trying to express his love for her, especially at the age of 10-11. It is when she urgently needs it that it is more and more difficult for her father to openly show his tender feelings, especially hesitantly makes physical contact. This is extremely sad. Father friends, let's forget about our awkwardness and give our daughters something that is vital for them!

Our juvenile judge

Like most fathers, I have difficulty meeting the emotional needs of my children (I have four), especially physical contact with my teenage daughter; To be honest, I don't always manage to pay close attention to everyone. Most of the evenings I come home like a squeezed lemon. Work sucks all the juice out of me, I feel drained both physically and emotionally. Where to get strength and energy to pass them on to children and wife, especially my eldest daughter, when she needs my support so much.

Do you want me to tell you what helps me overcome fatigue and inertia. When my daughter or one of my sons demands attention, and I am attracted to the chair like a magnet and my eyes stick together, I remember my friend, an excellent judge who works in juvenile court. I deeply respect and sincerely appreciate this judge. One of the most terrible, humiliating and tragic moments that could have happened in my life and in the life of my family, if it were for me - God forbid! - would have to appear before his court with one of my children, for example, on drug abuse charges. I say to myself: "Campbell, keep in mind that one in six teenagers is brought to trial! If you want to be sure that your children do not get there, you better get moving and provide the children with what they need for peace of mind, and not please your person luxuriating in a soft armchair. " The thought that my children might end up there makes a frost run through my skin, and I jump up from my warm place and start fulfilling my fatherly duties.

How to love your child - close attention

Eye-to-eye contact and physical contact rarely require genuine sacrifice from parents. At the same time, close attention takes time and sometimes even very significant time. This can mean that often parents are forced to give up the activities and pleasures that they prefer at the moment. Loving parents will have to face the fact that in some cases their child desperately, more than anything else, needs their close attention at the very moment when they are least inclined to pay it.

What is close attention? When we pay close attention to our child, it means that we focus on him completely, without being distracted by any little things, so that our child does not for a moment doubt our complete, unconditional love for him. He should feel like an important and significant person who can be appreciated; he must be confident in his right to undivided, genuine interest, undistracted attention and attentiveness, caring concentration and uncompromising interest in him at this very moment. Briefly speaking, close attention allows the child to feel that he is, in the eyes of his parents, the most important person in the world.

The child needs to be made to feel that he is one of a kind.... How few children feel this! But if we, parents, only understood what a fundamental difference it makes for a baby when he knows that he is completely special. Only the close attention of the parents gives him the opportunity to feel and realize this. Keep in mind that this knowledge is vital in developing a child's self-esteem. This deeply affects a child's ability to interact with and love other people.

My medical experience shows that close attention is vital for a child; however, we parents even admit it with great difficulty, and even less can satisfy him.
There are many reasons why we cannot grasp this specific need. If we treat a child with ice cream and sweets, give him gifts, fulfill his requests, we think this is quite sufficient, we are sure that this can replace close attention. Of course. It is good to be generous, but we are deeply mistaken in thinking that surrogates can replace sincere and close attention to the child.

It is very tempting to hide behind gifts and treats, because it is an easier route that requires much less time. But I am convinced again and again that if I, as a father, do not satisfy the urgent need of my children for close attention to them, then they do not try to do everything properly, do not show maximum effort, do not behave in the best possible way.

The tyranny of urgency

Why is it so difficult to pay close attention to children? Because it takes time! Numerous studies and books have been written showing that our most valuable asset is time. Think, would it be enough for you 24 hours a day for a week in order to fulfill all obligations? This is practically impossible. And then I thought. I cannot fulfill absolutely all of my obligations, no matter how much I would like to. I have to come to terms with this fact. If I do not understand this, I will naively think that everything must be taken care of somehow, and then my life will be ruled by the tyranny of urgency. Urgent matters will prevail over everything and control my life. One could somehow come to terms with this if all urgent matters were important. Unfortunately, this is usually not the case.

For example, a sacred telephone. I say sacred because his call seems to us more significant than almost anything else. The phone call must be answered regardless of the time, place, or situation. Our whole family is sitting, enjoying the evening peace and a joint dinner. These are extremely important moments for me and all my family. But if the phone urgently rings, then it is given an almost sacred right to intervene, undermine and even destroy our family unity. The tyranny of urgency once again triumphs over essential moments in our lives. Understand, parent friends, in our short life there will not be enough time to be under the pressure of urgency and at the same time take care of things that are important to us. You cannot embrace the immensity and combine the incompatible. It is impossible for the wolves to be fed and the sheep to be safe. So what do you do?

I'm afraid the answer is clear. And it is by no means easy or simple. We must understand what is most important and paramount in our life and define on our scale of values ​​what is essential and what we can afford to neglect. Having identified milestones in the hierarchy of values, we must set specific goals and plan for their implementation. We ourselves must control our time in order to take care of the most important things in our life.

Scale of values

What is most important and paramount in your life? Where is your child on this scale of values? Does he rank first? Second? Third? Fourth? You must define it yourself. Otherwise, your child will be somewhere at the end of the scale of values ​​and thus will suffer from neglect to one degree or another. Nobody can do it for you. Your spouse cannot define their values ​​or your child in your life. Neither your priest, psychoanalyst, lawyer, boss, or friend can do this. Only you can decide what is more important to you and what is less. So parent friends! What and who is most important in your life? Work? Spouse? House? Hobby? Children? Television? Social life or social life? Career?

Let me again refer to my personal experience and the experience of those I advise. In all the vicissitudes of life, I noticed the following. In almost all families, where happiness, satisfaction with life, mutual understanding and sincere benevolence among family members reigned, parents had a similar value system. Usually, ethical values ​​come first: a strong religious belief or a moral code. In second place is usually the spouse, then (third in the hierarchy of values) - children. All other values ​​are also important, of course, but these are paramount and most important, they must be followed first.

I have spoken with many people who were looking for satisfaction in such values ​​as money, power, fame. But after living their lives and discovering true values, they sadly realized that they were betting on false values. I have met many wealthy people who have spent the best years of their lives pursuing wealth. Tragically, they were forced to seek help from a psychiatrist when they realized that, despite fame, power and wealth, their lives were full of pain, melancholy, emptiness. They sobbed, considering their life unsuccessful, because the only child became a criminal or the wife could not stand it and left. Only now did they realize that the only thing worthwhile in life are those who love and who are not indifferent to what may happen to them.

I have also met many hopeless patients, and the deepest insight into life has led them to do the same. Looking back at their lives, they came to the same conclusion: the only thing that really matters is to have someone who truly cares about them and loves them unconditionally. If these doomed patients had such close ones, they were satisfied with life, if not, they should only be pitied.

I recently spoke with the priest's wife, a totally charming woman who was diagnosed with inoperable cancer. This is a harmonious personality, radiating goodness and light. She explained to me that when she became aware of the disease, her outlook on the whole system of life values ​​changed completely. For the first time, she realized that in the life of any parent there is not enough time to satisfy the emotional needs of a spouse and children, if not to resist the dictates of less important things. Now for her husband and children are in the foreground in the hierarchy of values, and this has led to amazing changes in the psychological climate of the family. Both husband and children have changed in the most amazing and positive way. Of course, this does not mean that we should neglect other aspects of life, but it is wiser to constantly monitor the time we spend on them, and not allow less important values ​​to take too much of a place in our lives.

Fleeting moments of fast flowing life

This true story is a poignant illustration that underscores how essential attention to a child is.

Imagine your father sitting in a chair. On the occasion of his fiftieth birthday, he is gloomy, in a bad mood and everything gets on his nerves. Suddenly his 11-year-old son runs into the room, climbs into his lap and begins to methodically kiss him on both cheeks in turn, saying: "One, two, three ..." The gloomy father asks irritably: "What are you actually doing ? " The child replies: "I want to kiss you 50 times, because it's your birthday today!" Usually a father would be moved by such a tender expression of filial love. But unfortunately, due to depression and a bad mood, he angrily pushes the boy away: "Leave me alone, another time!" The boy, stunned by his harshness, runs away with tears, gets on his bike and drives off. A few minutes later he is hit by a car. Just imagine the grief, remorse and guilt of this unfortunate father!

We can learn a lot from such stories. First, life is so uncertain and unpredictable that we cannot know or calculate how much more fate will give us the opportunity to take care of our children. Will there be especially many cases to pay close attention to them? We must take advantage of the opportunities that we have now, because there are fewer of them than we realize. Our children grow up very quickly.

Secondly. These moments when we are able to focus our full attention on our children do not happen every day. Remember those specific moments, the impressions of which remain with the child for life. The moment Rick tried to kiss his father 50 times was just such a priceless moment. If his father had a positive attitude and would have perceived these few minutes alone with his son as a holiday, Rick (if he had stayed alive) would have remembered these moments of tenderness all his life, especially during the period of adolescent confrontation, when he would have been tempted to rebel against the values ​​of his parents ... However, if Rick had not died, he probably would never have forgotten the pain, humiliation and suffering of that moment.

And here is another story, a living illustration of how differently parents and children see the same situation. The father of a great humanist described in his diary how he spent an entire day fishing with his son. The father complained that the day was "wasted" because "the son seemed to be bored, lost in thought and hardly spoke." The father even wrote that he was unlikely to go fishing with his son again. Many years later, a historian discovered these records. It was interesting to compare them with the corresponding entries in the diary of his son, where he wrote: "What a wonderful day! All the time alone with my father." The son described how important and significant this day was for him.

Purpose of scrutiny

What determines close attention? "I'm completely alone with my mom (dad)." "She (he) is only with me." "At this moment I am the most, the most important thing in the world for my mom (dad)" - this is what the child should feel at this moment, this is the goal of close attention.

Close attention is not just something that gives you pleasure and that you give to your child, if time permits, it is a vital and urgent need for every child. How a child will look at himself, how to evaluate, how the world around him accepts him - all this is determined by how this emotional need is satisfied by his loved ones. Not getting enough close attention makes a child anxious because he feels that everything in the world is more important than him. As a result, the child does not feel safe, thereby disrupting his emotional and mental development. Such a child can be easily identified in kindergarten or school. He is less developed than children whose parents take the time to satisfy their emotional needs. This unhappy child is usually more reserved, it is more difficult for him to communicate with peers. He copes worse with any conflict situation, poorly and slowly reacting to unpredictable events. He is completely dependent on the teacher or other adults with whom he interacts.

Some children, especially girls, who are deprived of the close attention of their fathers, seem very different. They are very talkative, know how to deftly manipulate people, stand out for their liveliness, are often childishly seductive, usually they are considered developed beyond their years, ahead of their peers, mature for their age (kindergarten and first grades of school). But as they grow, this type of behavior does not change and gradually becomes inadequate. By the third or fourth grade, they become unbearable and irritate both teachers and peers. However, even at such a late stage, close attention, especially from the father, can largely compensate for their self-destructive behavior, reduce the level of anxiety, and free them for internal growth and maturation.

How to give your child close attention

Now that we are convinced of how vital it is to pay close attention to each child, let us discuss how to achieve this. The best way, as I have personally seen, is to make time to be alone with the child. I swear you immediately thought how difficult it is to do this in practice. You're right. Finding time to be alone with your child, without being distracted by anything, is, in my opinion, the most difficult thing in a full-fledged upbringing. We can say that this is what distinguishes real parents from ordinary ones, altruists from egoists, caring from indifferent, those who have determined that the family is most important to him, from those who are under the heel of the tyranny of urgency.

Let's face the truth: Good parenting takes time. In our overactive society, it is so difficult to carve out time for communication, especially if the children are obsessed with TV. All the more reasons why close attention is so vital to them. More than at any other time in family history, children are influenced by forces that, although outside the family circle, are actually invading its inner sanctum. Parent friends, we need a tremendous amount of effort to carve out time from our busy life schedules, but it pays off! Seeing your child happy and self-confident, a child who gets along well with peers and adults, learns with pleasure, behaves well - what a reward for parents! But trust me, parent friends, it doesn't happen by itself. You have to be able to pay the price for it. We must take time to be alone with each child.

I personally also find it difficult to find a "crack" in time for my children, I am so busy. But I try to find every free minute for communication. For example, my daughter once worked on Mondays in a studio near my work. I arranged the time to pick her up after class, and we had dinner together at a restaurant. It was a wonderful time: no one interfered with us, no one put pressure on us, and I could fully concentrate my attention on her and listen to everything she wanted to talk about. Only if you calmly, benevolently, without any falseness and tension communicate with the child, your relationship with him becomes trusting and sincere, persistent and leaving an indelible mark on the child's soul for all subsequent years, that is, such that are vital for the child so that boldly confront the difficulties of becoming a personality.

It is these innermost memories that arise in the memory of a person when life's troubles fall on him. It is these moments that warm the soul with memories when life makes its difficult demands, especially in the hectic years of violent teenage conflicts and the natural desire for independence. It is during moments of close attention that parents have a special opportunity for additional eye contact and physical contact with their child. Eye contact and physical contact reinforce the importance of close attention and have a deeper impact on the child's life.

Of course, when there are several children in a family, it is much more difficult to find the time to pay close attention to each one. I remember counseling a seven-year-old girl who had a lot of difficulties at school and at home. Lesson problems, peer conflicts, family quarrels with siblings, and immature behavior. You probably already guessed what the matter is. She had nine brothers and sisters, and the poor parents did not have enough time to give her as much attention as she needed.

It did not even occur to them that the girl was suffering from a lack of attention, since all the other children had no problems. The family had their own farm. All day the adults and with them the older children worked tirelessly: they milked the cows, fed the goats, plowed the land - there was a lot of work to do, and the parents spent enough time with each of the older children who helped them around the house. Because of her age, this girl involuntarily did not participate in any work, she was all the time alone and suffered, deprived of the attention of her parents. She felt that she was not loved and neglected. Although her parents loved her very much, the girl did not feel this and therefore was not sure of their love.

Close attention in the presence of others

We told and emphasized that it is better to pay close attention to the child in private, when other family members are absent. However, there are situations when it is necessary to concentrate on one child completely, although the whole family is together. This is especially important if the child is sick or in trouble at school, a quarrel with a friend, grief, or some other painful experience that causes psychological regression. Regression, from my point of view, means that a person has poor control over his behavior or does not control his feelings.

Let me give you an example. My parents came to see me seriously concerned about the behavior of their 12-year-old son Tim. Tim's cousin came to live with them, his age-old, a very demanding and noisy boy, who completely beat the quiet Tim. Tim suffered so much from the onslaught of his brother, which completely suppressed him that he fell into depression, became so withdrawn that sometimes he did not even communicate with anyone for days.

I advised, of course, to pay close attention to both boys, but separately. However, the brother still continued to sharply dominate Tim when the boys were together. Then, following my advice, the parents found the next way out of the difficult situation. When Tim spoke, the parents completely concentrated their attention on him, looked into his eyes affectionately and kindly, gently touched him and, if it was convenient, did their best to help him. When the brother's turn came, the parents, accordingly, switched to him.

This type of close attention usually works well if the parents give the child a lot of attention when they are alone with the child. In the same way, I taught the teachers these simple principles that fundamentally changed the entire learning and perception of each student.

Close attention takes time, is difficult to maintain consistently, and is very burdensome for already exhausted parents. But close attention is the most powerful means of constantly replenishing a child's emotional reservoir and ensuring his full development in the future.

Discipline: what is it?

I often read a course of lectures on parent-child relationships. Usually I devote the first three or four classes to how to love a child, and only then the question of discipline is discussed. Inevitably, parents almost immediately tell me: "I actually liked the lectures, but when will we finally move on to discipline? We are having difficulties with this, and we would like to receive advice."

These poor parents usually misunderstand:

1) the relationship between love and discipline;
2) the importance of discipline.

Usually, in the parent's mind, love is separated from discipline, as if they are two completely independent phenomena. Not surprisingly, the parent has confusion and complications when trying to control the child's behavior.

Parents who mix things up tend to think discipline means punishment (whipping for some).

Both of these assumptions are bogus. I emphasize this in every possible way in lectures and I hope to convince you, friends-parents, that love and discipline cannot be separated and that punishment is a very small part of discipline.

The first thing we must realize in order to discipline a child is to make him feel loved: this is the main and most important part of good discipline. Of course, this is not all, but it is most important. What has so far been discussed in this work is the most important aspect of discipline, and all of this must be applied in practice all the time if we are to achieve the best disciplinary results in raising a child. There is no point in reading this article further if you do not apply what you read about here in your everyday life, and if you do not care all the time about keeping your child's emotional reservoir full. If you are not using eye contact, physical contact and close attention to your child in an age-appropriate manner, please do not read on. The result will disappoint you.

Only a healthy parent-child relationship based on unconditional love can help overcome all life crises.

What is discipline!

First of all, you need to define what discipline is. What is this? In the field of parenting, discipline is training the mind and character of the child so that he becomes independent, self-controlled, a worthy and constructive member of society. What does discipline include? These include: a worthy example of adults, modeling a situation, verbal and written instructions, written requests, training, providing the child himself with the opportunity to learn and gain various life experiences, including the ability to relax, - the list is quite long, and all this under a reasonable and benevolent guidance from adults.

Of course, punishment is also on this list, but this is only one of many ways to ensure discipline, and the most negative and primitive one. Discipline is immeasurably easier to achieve when a child feels that he is sincerely and deeply loved, accepted for who he is. The child can then come to terms with parental leadership without hostility or obstruction.

If he does not feel that his parents are behind him, then it is really difficult for him to identify himself with them and with their values. If there is no strong, healthy connection with parents based on sincere love and affection, the child reacts to the parents' dictate with anger, hostility, indignation, resentment. He views every request (or demand) as an imposed obligation and actively learns to resist. In the most severe cases, the child learns to consider any request of the parents with disgust, to do everything in spite, just the opposite of what is expected and demanded of him.

I hope you have already realized how essential unconditional love is to good discipline. The more the child's emotional reservoir is filled, the more disciplined he will be; the more emptied his emotional reservoir, the less he will succumb to the demands of discipline.

We have not mentioned another important aspect of appropriate love: the ability to listen carefully and with concentration to the child. He needs to make sure you understand everything he is trying to tell you about. When your child is confident that you are aware of his feelings, thoughts and desires, he will be much more likely to respond positively to your disciplinary requirements, especially if you disagree with him. Nothing embitters a child to the same degree as asking you to do something, if at the same time he feels that his parents do not understand his position. This does not mean that you succumb to the demands or whims of the child, it means that you should fully focus on communicating with him at this moment, so that he does not have the feeling that you are simply insisting on your own, using your authority, and neglecting him. thoughts and feelings. If you think so, then you do not consider your child a person separate from you.

When you listen to your child with concentration, then at least you look into his eyes, and if possible, it is even better to gently touch him, emphasizing your close attention. Admitting that you have figured out what your child wants (even if you disagree with him) usually improves rapport. And if you repeat his words, then the child will be convinced how much you correctly understand his thoughts and feelings, this will further strengthen your relationship. In addition, the opinion expressed directly by the child can affect your own understanding of the problem and even force you to change something.

I remember an unpleasant incident with my 16-year-old daughter just recently. We let her go with three guys to a freestyle wrestling match at school late at night. She was told to return home immediately after the match, which ended at about 10 pm. It usually took 30-45 minutes to get home. At 11 o'clock I got worried, at 11.15 I called the parents of one of the boys. They said the company stopped outside their house to put the spikes on their wheels as it snowed and their parents offered them a snack. The children left at 11.10. My daughter showed up at 11.40.

I was pissed off. I yelled at her, lectured her about the complete lack of any sense of responsibility and forbade her any entertainment for the week. Why did I react so violently and did not even want to listen to her? I thought more about myself than about the real situation. I felt bad that evening and wanted to go to bed early, as the next day was going to be very stressful for me.
Also, my daughter returned later than I expected and did not call to warn us. I believed that she was negligent and irresponsible.

But my daughter is smart. She waited out the "thunderstorm" until the next morning, until I came to my senses and again began to talk to her kindly, as usual; and only then did she tell me how it really was. She knew very well that I listen better when I am not annoyed. It turned out that the children were driving along a longer, but safer road, where it was not so slippery. The girl spoke the truth, everything coincided. What she really forgot to do was warn us that she was delaying. I apologized to my daughter for my incontinence and reduced the punishment (restriction on entertainment) in accordance with the wrongdoing.

There are two lessons to be learned from this story. First, it's important to really listen to your child carefully when he speaks to you. I myself could have avoided a scandal, and my daughter - anger and resentment, if I first listened to her, and then punished her.

The second lesson is that it is absolutely necessary to restrain your emotions in these moments. In fact, I believe that when raising a child, our worst enemy is uncontrolled outbursts of emotion, especially parental anger. As I have just shown, anger can force us to say or do things that we later regret. Too violent manifestation of indignation, especially uncontrolled outbursts of anger and rage, at first very frightens the child. But the child grows up, and when parents too often lose control of themselves, falling into anger and rage, this gradually undermines his respect for his parents and, along with this, gradually inflames his own bad tendencies towards intemperance, anger and anger. If you think carefully, uncontrolled outbursts of emotions cause disrespect for any person. What do you want from our children and loved ones?

You know just as well as I do that we all lose our cool from time to time. But it is important to remember that since this has already happened, then you should not be afraid to apologize to the child when you have cooled down and come to your senses. Even such a bad situation can be walked out with dignity. It's amazing how enjoyable communication can be if an adult is courageous enough and apologizes (and overreacting when we lose control of our emotions is such a case). Believe it or not, if after a quarrel, peace and quiet reign, closeness and warmth of the heart, the child (and parent) will never forget these precious moments. They are priceless!

An overly violent emotional reaction in family life can be tolerated, but to some extent, especially if they do not apologize later. These negative outbursts of emotion should be kept to a minimum. How can this be achieved?

Control your anger

It is important to remember that in some circumstances, anger is difficult to contain. For example:

1) when a person has depression;
2) when a person is afraid of something;
3) when a person does not feel well physically;
4) when a person is overworked mentally or physically;
5) when a person's spiritual life is not in order.

An entire book could be written on how to deal with each of these problems. It is important for us that each parent remembers that he needs to look after his own well-being: mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. Illness in any of these aspects can cause serious complications in the relationship between parents and children, in marital relations, in virtually all relationships with
people, mainly because we are not able to contain the outbursts of our negative emotions. Let's get ourselves back to normal. The unbridled anger of parents undermines the strong discipline of children.

Discipline and punishment

I hope you now understand how much we, as parents, need to do before expecting a child to respond correctly to our demand to be obedient and disciplined. To whip a child with a belt is, roughly speaking, every fool can, this is the most primitive way to control the behavior of a child. There is no need for mercy, understanding, thought, talent, love - nothing! When corporal punishment is made the basis of discipline, a terrible mistake is made: discipline is equated with punishment. Discipline is training a child, training him to become what he should be.

Please remember the following: the more disciplined the child is, the less punishment is required. How a child obeys the discipline depends largely on how much he feels love, care and attention for him. Therefore, our most important parental task is to make our child feel that we love him, that we are always on his side.

The physical punishment trap

Another important reason it is dangerous to use physical punishment as a means of controlling behavior is that it dramatically relieves feelings of guilt. Corporal punishment leads to degradation, dehumanization and humiliation of the child. As a result, the child may feel that the whipping is punishment, sufficient in itself. If he is punished often and severely, the child does not develop the necessary guilt feelings, which prevents him from developing a full awareness of himself as a person. Without the foundation of unconditional love, the child will not be able to go through all the phases of development, especially identification with his parents, which will cripple the formation of a healthy psyche and self-esteem.

Many people find cultivating guilt feelings undesirable and forget that it also has an important positive aspect. When the feeling of guilt overwhelms a person, it is harmful, but to a reasonable extent it is vital in the formation and maintenance of a healthy consciousness. A normal healthy self-awareness that allows the child to reasonably restrict his behavior is much more effective than stick discipline, which causes fear, anger and resentment. It is clear that deliberately restraining one's behavior within reasonable limits is better than poor self-control or complete lack of control over oneself. How do you think a happy, balanced teenager can control his or her behavior? Thanks to his self-awareness. If you want to prevent your child from developing a normal reactive consciousness that allows him to control his behavior, build your relationship with your child on a punitive basis. Regulate his behavior mainly by shouting, spanking, a belt.

Another tragic consequence of corporal punishment is identifying with the aggressor. It is also a mechanism for avoiding feelings of guilt. The child takes the side of the punishing parent, and he gets the feeling that it is right to be aggressive and punishing. Then, naturally, this child grows up, and when he has children of his own, he treats them the same way he was treated in childhood. Very often, parents who tortured their children in childhood turned out to be punished themselves. The use of corporal punishment (or the threat of its use) as the main means of raising children is passed on from generation to generation. This is bad enough in and of itself.

But no matter how well we do our parenting and how hard we try as parents, children sometimes misbehave. It's unavoidable. There are no perfect parents and no perfect children. How do we deal with bad child behavior? How to proceed? The word "us" puts responsibility, as it should be, on the group, and the mother becomes its leader. After careful discussion of all proposals, a general decision is made. The group's decision is almost always effective, while the pressure of the adults causes mostly resistance in the children. This way of solving the problem usually takes the form of a family council. The modern family functions as a small group that encourages each of its members to cooperate with others for the common good. Then the attention of each member of the group is focused on the needs of the family as a whole.

Each family member should learn to think about the interests of the whole group "What to do in this situation?" Parents should not impose their will on children, and even more so show disrespect to them. It is also impossible to yield to the unfair demands of the child in order for him to leave his mother or father alone, busy with their own affairs. This is disrespect for ourselves. When helping children learn to interact, parents should always remember the true meaning of collaboration, and this implies the implementation of the rules common to all.

One of the very harmful mistakes is the desire of parents to determine at what age children, in their opinion, should help adults with their homework. When a toddler who starts to walk wants to help set the table, parents sometimes say: "No, it's too early for you," and when she turns six, they demand that she be able to do everything. By this time, she already believes that if until now adults have done without her, then why is it necessary to help now? Parents sometimes miss out on many opportunities to enable their children to learn to be independent. If a child is allowed to help adults from an early age, then he does it with pleasure and is very proud of the trust placed in him.

Tom had a desire to refuse to participate in the cleaning. However, this family has developed a good relationship. The idea of ​​his mother to recognize the validity of his words and her ability to skillfully switch the attention of her son to the help that he could provide to the younger sisters helped to attract Tom to work. She also made it clear to him that it was an honor to help the sisters. The older brother liked it. He even felt like a leader when he suggested removing the toy shelf. All were happily engaged in a common cause.

Five-year-old Eddie and his mother got into the car to meet his father and bring him from the train station. It was very cold, but Eddie rolled down the window. Mother said, "We will only go when you lift the glass." Eddie waited. The mother sat with an indifferent air. Eddie said, "I'll lift the glass when the car starts." The mother did not answer and continued to wait. Eddie continued, "Okay, I'll lift the glass when you turn on the ignition." The mother sat in silence. Her appearance expressed indifference. Finally Eddie lifted the glass. Mother started the car, smiled at Eddie and said: "How beautiful the snow is in the sun! Look, it glitters as if a thousand diamonds are sparkling."

Mother did not demand that Eddie raise the glass, and thus avoided a power dispute. She immediately told her son about her demand and kindly insisted on her own. When Eddie tried to snatch even a partial concession from her, she just waited. When the son obeyed, the mother thanked him with a smile and in a friendly tone drew his attention to something else. Eddie's rather quick agreement suggests that the child is trained to respect the mother's firm decision.

Nine-year-old Pat was making pasta. Mother came into the kitchen with ten-month-old Richard in her arms. "Pat, look after the kid," she ordered. "I need to go on business." "Oh, mom, he's going to turn everything upside down! Why should I always watch him?" - "No talking. Do as you are told." The mother left, and Pat glared at Richard, who was already crawling towards the subjects of interest to him. She pulled him back to his original place and gave him a teddy bear. Richard tossed him aside and quickly crawled over to the plates of pasta. When mother returned, Richard yelled and Pat screamed. Mother joined in the noise: "Can't you spend at least fifteen minutes with him without a fight?" The mother's tone and the haste of demand immediately aroused resentment in Pat.

If parents want to achieve rapport with their child, then they must attach great importance to their tone and manner of address. Indeed, quite often the mother and father, fully aware of the reasons for the child's resistance, begin to insist on their own, hoping to overcome the resistance. And it gets even more stubborn. In such cases, politeness helps a lot. The request can be formulated to show the child an understanding of his point of view. "Sorry for interrupting you ...", or: "I understand that you probably don't want to do this, but you would have helped me out so much if ...", or: "I would have been very grateful if you could ... "Such words promote agreement, smooth out resistance, help mutual understanding.

Ten-year-old Janet lived with her parents in a suburb where there was no public transport for a long time. Her closest friend Pat lived relatively far away. It was dangerous to ride a bike to her in winter. The girls wanted to spend every free minute together. This led to the fact that both mothers began to take their daughters back and forth by car almost every day. If the mothers had no time, then conflicts began. The situation was getting tense. One evening, when Janet and her mother were washing the dishes and both were friendly, they discussed the problem. The mother explained her point of view: she understands that Janet has the right to see her friend, but at the same time she cannot go there and back so often. "What do you think you can think of?" - asked the mother.

"We could probably meet a little less often." "How many times a week do you think I should take you to Pat?" The girl, after thinking a little, said: "Probably twice a week. And if Pat also comes twice, he will be out equally." “Good!” The mother replied. “I will gladly drive you twice a week.” "What days, Mom?" Mother thought. "I'm usually free on Tuesday nights and Sunday afternoons. Does that suit you?" "Of course it will be better that way." The situation was resolved to mutual pleasure. Both mother and daughter do not believe that the decision was imposed on them.

We know that every child needs to feel loved. Every baby needs, first of all, just warm, tender parental love. For his soul, his mind, his will and his feelings - there is nothing more important than such love.

Sometimes we do not know how to show this love, and sometimes something prevents us from manifesting it. Lack of parental love can be an obstacle. Many of the mothers and fathers suffered from their parents in childhood, and very often they themselves did not feel and did not see this love. And therefore they do not know and cannot express their attitude towards their own children.

It is also hindered by the constant employment of parents. The child's needs are not limited to the working day from 9:00 am to 5:00 pm. Moms are busy 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, and a self-centered life cannot be combined with motherhood. To give a child true, selfless love, you need to sacrifice your money, interests, your time and your strength.

The third obstacle that parents often need to overcome in order to truly love their children is the principle of "reward". If we apply this principle to our children, we run the risk of loving them only when they are well behaved, when our love should not be based on any conditions. When your baby does not let you fall asleep all night, when a toddler who has just started to walk does not give a moment's rest, when your six-year-old cannot sit in one place for a long time, it is difficult to maintain unconditional love. Disobedience of a teenager is a test of this love for strength. It is so easy to love children when they are well behaved, and it is so difficult when they disobey us.

We can show our love in many ways. You can spend your time with children, hug them and talk frankly.

1. Time. We always have a lot to do, we need to be in time everywhere, but we must always be with them when they need us. Children need your undivided time and attention if they want to be with you or tell you something. Try giving time to children, even if you are unhappy with their behavior that day.
2. Touch. The touch, especially of the mother's hand, should be gentle and affectionate. Use your hands to express tenderness and love, as this is another opportunity to show your children that they are dear to you and that you care for them. This is one of the ways to express love non-verbally.
3. Talk. Talking to children also means listening to them. Do not pretend, but sincerely worry with them in their little problems and dilemmas. We can listen with our ears, but it is much more important to listen with our hearts: this is how we can show them our love. Confess your love to your children, do not be ashamed of verbal manifestation.

Parents, love your kids and show it no matter how happy you are with them. After all, the child's future is in your hands, and his whole life may depend on whether you show your love for him or not.

The question is asked by Yulia - Ulyanovsk, Russia

Hello Marina! Since childhood, I had a difficult relationship with my mother. She didn't really show her love for me. Now I have my own family, I am a Christian, I have two children. I know that children need to be raised in love. But since I didn't have an example in my family, I don't know how to properly express my love for them. On the one hand, so as not to smother them with my love, and on the other hand, so that they do not feel the lack of my love for them. Tell me how should I be?

Marina Podorozhnaya answers:

Hello!

There are no institutes or colleges that would teach parents how to raise their children properly.

The Earl of Rochester said: "Before the wedding, I had six theories about how to raise children correctly, now I have six children and not a single theory."

One of the sages also said: “To be a parent means to look in the mirror and see everything that has yet to be changed in oneself” (work on oneself).

There are different ways we can express our love to children. They want to know that they are loved unconditionally, regardless of their successes or victories.

If the child lacks your love, then sometimes the rebellious behavior of the child, when he tries to get your attention by hook or by crook, can become an indicator of this. Even the cause of physical ailment may be lack of parental attention.

Children not only need to know that we love them, they need to hear this from us and feel loved.

If children are confident in parental love:
- they are confident in their own safety;
- it is easier for them to cope with difficulties and challenges;
- it is easier for them to find friends, they are ready to boldly open up to people, “trust them”;
- they are invulnerable and share their thoughts and feelings;
- they are able to go against the majority, to be not like everyone else;
- they are able to influence people and defeat other people's negative influence.

In order to understand this issue well and understand how you can express your love, I advise you to read the book by Gary Chapman "5 languages ​​of love". He offers five ways to express love: words, time, touch, help, gifts.

Let me explain these five theses:
The first way: words (love, consolation, praise, approval).
- Well done
- You're special
- I'm proud of you
- You are the best and dearest thing in my life
- You are handsome
- I love you

Children think about themselves what they hear about themselves and what we say about them. Of course, if you were deprived of love in childhood, then it will not be easy to pass on love to your children, but try and do everything possible on your part. The main thing is to start expressing your love, and one day you yourself will be surprised how easy and pleasant it is for you to do this.

Second way: time to do something together.
"No amount of material well-being can replace time spent with father and mother."
- time to listen
- time to eat together
- time to share interests
- time to relax together
- time for leisure

Remember also, you must have family traditions that will allow you to unite all family members in your family circle.

Example: When children call you at work, when they rush into your office, when they demand attention, and you are with friends, or with a book, or at the TV - find the strength and courage in yourself to switch and give them what they are so good at. badly in need.

Third way: touch.
Taking a hand, stroking the head, kissing the forehead in the morning - all these touches speak of your love for your child.
I read that in the UK, children have sexual intercourse from an early age, and the reason for this is the lack of parental affection that they need.

Fourth way: help.
"Parental duty is sacrifice."
These are good deeds that we, parents, do, sacrificing something for our part.
When we respond to requests, participate in their affairs, and help them succeed, children understand that their parents love them.
Remember that it is important to speak with your children in all love languages ​​!!!

Fifth way: gifts are a visible symbol of love.
By giving gifts, we show the person that we have not forgotten about him, and how we value him or want to comfort him. By giving a gift, we also celebrate his achievement. Besides the fact that the gift will remind us of us, it will also fill a specific need. But our gifts should not and cannot be a substitute for other expressions of love, such as words, deeds, time, or touch.

I tried to summarize in my own words these five tips from Gary Chapman, but I still recommend that you find and read this book! And may the Lord bless you and give you wisdom in raising children.

With the love of God
Marina Podorozhnaya.

I do not love my child

The woman is an affectionate mother, the keeper of the family hearth. And if it doesn't work out? Public opinion demands from a woman a manifestation of maternal love. " I do not love my child "Is a sentence for a woman. But how to make yourself love and should you do it?

If your dislike brings suffering to the child, and you are not indifferent to it, then it is necessary to act.

First, let's try to understand the reason for the mother's indifference to her child:

How to learn to love your child:

Have you found the reason (several reasons) for your indifference to the child? This means that a third of the way has already been passed. It's time learn to protect the child from your destructive emotions. And then accept and love your child.

“A difficult financial situation, and the child needs to be dressed, fed and bought toys” - clothes can be taken from kind people or bought from hand through parental classifieds sites, from scrap materials, and thereby save on good nutrition for the child.

“I could achieve a lot in life. And with a child - sometimes sores, sometimes whims, you won't make a career in any job ”- earn money and hire a nanny for the time when you need to work. Just allocate your free time correctly. So that even 1 hour, which remains in the evening for communication with the child, was held in a friendly and playful atmosphere.

- Mom, did you love me?