Every year 150 thousand offenses are committed with the participation of minors. In the United States, 79% of juvenile life-sentenced prisoners committed a crime at age 14 or earlier. Remember this when a 2-year-old child freaks out or hits mom and dad.

The peak manifestations of aggression begin precisely at the age of two.

Why a sweet child suddenly starts to fight and what to do with it we will tell you in this article.

Getting to know the reasons

Evgeny Komarovsky reassures young mothers that fights between a child and his parents and peers are common. According to him, four out of ten children beat their parents at least once. In two cases, the child becomes a real tyrant.

The first attempts to express the anger that has risen to the throat appear already in six months.

There are several sources of this behavior:

1. insufficient development of speech;
2. attention deficit adults;
3. a nervous or psychiatric disorder.

The fact is that up to two years old, a child beats his parents as an experiment. This is how he learns the reaction of the world to his aggression.

He is simply not able to cope with emotions yet. After two years, these are deliberate actions with a goal. Komarovsky claims that the main reason for unconscious child aggression is the mother's irritability.

Ineffective methods

Child psychologists say - persuasion does not work. Aggression is one of the basic instincts. With instincts, pedagogical methods do not work. If it helped, this is an exception to the rule. It is not a good practice to simply explain the problem to a child. The cunning kid will pretend to listen, but will act in his own way. More straightforward - simply ignores such tactics.

It is important to observe the correct reactions to the aggression of the child. Doubleness must not be allowed.

If mom swears and dad laughs, the child will not understand how to react to him.

Effective methods

Everything is not entirely unambiguous. In any case, you have to experiment. Komarovsky, for example, advises turning on the mirror mode - to answer the child in the same way. Other experts advise against this. But there are steps you need to take. To get your child to stop hitting their parents, consider the following tips.

Refusal from gaming violence

All games with the element of fighting and wrestling must be forgotten. Excessive stimulation of motor memory is useless. According to child psychologists, most children already perceive a fight as a game. And if there is an opportunity to "revive" the models of behavior from the game with the parents, the child will certainly do it.

The importance of fighting back hard

The Komarovsky mirror method provides that the parent will not console the child after the backlash. The hard fight must be consistent until the habit of fighting is gone. But in non-aggressive situations, the mother should still be a faithful helper and comforter. So the baby will learn to respect elders and quickly draw a connection between his pain from the parent's bite and the parent's pain from his bite.

Negativity needs to be pronounced

Children fight when they cannot express their pain.

It is necessary to teach the child to pronounce everything that does not suit him. Always look for the cause of the dissatisfaction and pull it out.

The speech flow will ease the anger. The dark soaps that have been spoken are no longer valid.

Another way is to get away from the child when he is fighting. After every violent seizure.

Ears are the main instrument

Without active listening, speaking the negative is meaningless. The child needs to be listened to. You can only wean him off fighting by giving him enough attention. Only you need to listen to the opinion of the child not only in tense situations, but also in life. So he will understand the importance of his opinion for his parents, he will see that he is loved.

A moderate sense of self-importance generates a grateful response.

Do not be afraid

You don't need to hide your discontent. The child speaks out the negative, the parent listens. Then vice versa: it's the child's turn to listen. So he will understand the importance of not only his own opinion, but also someone else's. Adequate self-esteem has not prevented anyone yet. The best examples are the ancient Greeks. They said, "Nothing beyond measure." Here it is similar. Constant tension and negativity on the part of parents will not lead to good.

The whip must be followed by the carrot

Be sure to praise the child for good deeds. At this age, a causal relationship is just beginning to be established. Associations with objects and events grow. After good deeds - gingerbread. The child will understand this and will strive to be closer to the “pastry chef”.

The kid fights ... This is a very common complaint from parents. The important thing is that it depends on the reaction of the mother or father to this behavior of the child whether the baby continues to fight or not. These recommendations will help you to properly respond to the manifestations of aggression in your baby.

For a start, it's worth clarifying:

• if a child watches his parents' fights at home, if he is beaten at home (even just lightly slapped on his hands, buttocks, etc.), then these recommendations will not have the desired result. First, work on yourself and stop fights in the family.
• Children under 3-3.5 years old often fight, because they do not know how and do not know how to react differently to the situation that has developed. Therefore, the task of parents or educators is to show and teach the child to react and interact correctly.

If your child hits you (bites, pinches, pulls your hair)

• As soon as the child hits you, say in a serious tone: “I am hurt and unpleasant! I don’t want to be beaten! ”
• If the toddler swings again, stop his hand gently but firmly. Say, "It hurts, I don't like it!"
• If the child is sitting in your arms at the same time, then after the third attempt to hit you, put him on the ground and say that you do not want to communicate like that.
• If the baby starts crying after you put him on the ground, take him back in your arms, because you want to explain, not punish.
• If the baby hits you again, lower him to the ground again, clearly saying why you are doing this (you do not like the blow, it hurts you).
• Of course, after such a thing, you shouldn't pick it up right away. But don't wait for the real hysteria to start. Pick up your hands again, but hold on to the handles so that they do not encroach.
• If you played together, and the kid hit you, then after his third attempt, exit the game. You can leave the room. It is necessary to show the child with words and deeds that you will not communicate with him in such ways.

If your child hits another child (bites, pinches, pushes, pulls hair)

• Try to intercept the blow, stop the child's hand before he hits. Tell your baby that the boy / girl will be hurt by the fact that he / she will cry.
• If there was a blow, tell the child that it hurt, show how upset / grimaced / burst into tears ... Tell them that the children do not like being beaten. Important: It is necessary not only to say that you cannot fight (this is very abstract and incomprehensible), but to explain why (because it hurts, it is unpleasant ...)
• Immediately offer another way out of the situation: let's ask in words, and not by a boy / girl fight, that he / she give / give the toy, share, move, etc. If your baby pushes, fights just like that, show how you can interact: do not hit, but hug, stroke, take by the handle, lightly touch. As a rule, babies willingly stop a fight and begin to gently pat another on the head.
• If your kid continues to fight, take pity on the offended child, and take yours away. Take it in your arms and carry it to a distance of several meters from the offended person. It is necessary to show that in this way the game will not stick together, that children who fight play on their own.

Wrong parent reactions to a child's fight

• Hit back. This will show your child that hitting is a normal way of expressing anger and resentment. If you forbid a child to fight, bite, pinch, do not do it yourself!
• Scream, scold. Here, as in point 1, you demonstrate that shouting (by the way, this is one of the manifestations of aggression) is the norm, and also that the strongest and the eldest wins.
• Pretend you are crying. This is not true, this is a game, and the child feels it. In addition, the child considers such a performance of yours to be ordinary entertainment. Therefore, he will continue to do so in order to see your performance over and over again.
• Shame. For a child under 3.5 years old, shame is just a word that has no meaning. Therefore, your phrase: "Shame on you!" will have no effect.
• Do not pay attention, thinking that he will understand (or wait for someone to fight back). If you do not express dissatisfaction with the child's behavior, he thinks that his behavior is the norm, and therefore continues to do so.

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CHILD AGGRESSION.
Is the child fighting? WHAT TO DO?

psychologist Marina Morozova

If a child fights, many parents feel confused and do not know how to react to it. “I don’t know what to do anymore. My son fights in kindergarten every day, fights on the playground. I haven’t tried anything, nothing helps. I don’t know what to do.”
Of course, each case is different.

DOES A CHILD FOOT IN KINDERGARTEN OR SCHOOL?

If the child fights in kindergarten or school, that is, not with you, it can be difficult to understand the situation. It is necessary NOT in the presence of a child to talk to one of the adults, eyewitnesses of the fight, and separately with the child himself. They will most likely have different versions. But if your child has clearly explained the reasons for the fight, then most likely he is right. If a child defended himself or a friend, or his toys, other things, then it is important to teach him to defend himself and defend his interests without a fight, explaining to him that a fight is the most exceptional case.
But the question for you, dear parents, do you know how to protect yourself and your interests?

In no case should you scold or punish the child, the child may perceive this as injustice towards him, and even betrayal on your part. In the future, this may lead to the fact that he will be wary of defending himself, and this is necessary for every person to be able to.
As an example, I will cite one case.
The mother of a 10-year-old girl contacted me. Sveta absolutely did not know how and was even afraid to defend herself in various situations with her peers. In the course of consultation with my mother, the following became clear.
When the girl was 7 years old in the courtyard of the school, her classmate put a large cobblestone in the hood of her coat. Sveta took out a cobblestone, swung and hit the offender in the face, almost hitting him in the eye, that is, she exceeded the measures of necessary self-defense. For this, the girl was punished both at school and in the family. Since then, she began to be afraid to defend herself, so as not to accidentally harm someone.

If a fight or other manifestation of aggression is a one-time case of self-defense, then it is important to talk to the child, to explain to him the possible consequences of this, but not to scold or punish.

Another thing, if the child himself constantly starts fights... In this case, it is also important to talk with the child, find out the reasons for this. Maybe your child sees all the enemies. Then, together with him, look for dignity in other children.
Or punishes other children for not wanting to play with him (be friends). Then it is important to explain to him that in this way he achieves the opposite result. No one will play and be friends with fighters. Teach him how to make friends with other children.
So, the sixth grader Sergei constantly beat his classmates, but Petya got the most. As it turned out from Sergey's explanations, he had previously tried to make friends with Petya, but he did not want to be friends with the fighter, and now Sergey was taking revenge on him for his rejection. If a child fights, there is always a reason for it. You cannot change something until you find out his motives and reasons.

IF A CHILD FIRES WITH YOU ON THE CHILDREN'S PLAYGROUND

If a fight happened in front of you, do not scold the child, otherwise he will still fight, but when you are not around. But do not defend him until you figure out who is right and who is wrong. Such a reaction can lead the baby to a feeling of permissiveness. Understand the situation first.
If your child is wrong, encourage him to apologize to the other child and make up. If he refuses, then take him home. Explain to him that fighting is bad, but do not tell him that he is bad.
Alone with your child, discuss what the consequences of his pugnacity may be. For example, a neighbor boy will be offended by him and will not want to play with him, other children will not want to play with him, he may injure another child, explain that when he hits another, it hurts.

IF CHILD FIGHTS WITH PARENTS OR OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS

If a child swings at you, catch him and hug him. Hug until he calms down. After that, tell him that if he is hurt or bad, then he can tell you about it.
If he didn't just swing, but hit you(or fights you regularly), don't yell at him. It is possible that unconsciously he wants to get just such a reaction and thus attracts your attention. On the contrary, say that you are in pain and with all your appearance show that you are offended by him, step back, turn away, leave the room or take him out. Let another family member (if he is a witness of the situation) come up to you and take pity on you in the presence of the child, but ignoring him, pat you "sore spot", show that you are in pain.

HOW TO LEAD YOURSELF IF YOUR CHILD FALLS

Remember, a lot depends on how you react to your child's fights. Shouting at a child, let alone hitting him, is useless and ineffective.
In the event of a fight first, help your child cope with anger (read about this below), then figure out who is right, who is wrong, who violated existing rules or agreements, and help to come up with several other ways to resolve the conflict.
Most often they say to a fighter: "Since you are fighting, then you are bad. Petya does not fight, so he is good." Remember that you can criticize the behavior, but not the child himself. It is very important not to compare your child with other children (in no one else's favor). In addition, your child is always good for you, and you love him by anyone. And it's important to tell him. Perhaps it is no coincidence that the words beloved and any have the same root "love".

Do not prevent your child from feeling and expressing anger, irritation, anger. Do not use phrases such as "Don't shout!", "Don't be angry!", "Don't fight!" Do not tell him stories about the fact that somewhere there are children who are never angry. Help him to react correctly in these situations, but first learn it yourself. After all, the child imitates you in everything. Anger is a natural defensive reaction. And it is important not to suppress it, but to learn how to give it a way out.
But a lot also depends on your reaction to the aggressive behavior of the child.

HOW CAN YOU HELP YOUR CHILD COPE WITH AGGRESSION?

Often small children, when they are angry, themselves do not understand what is happening to them. It is important to explain this to them. For example, "You are now angry with Vanya, because he took to play your typewriter without asking your permission" or "You are angry with your dad, because he does not allow you to play at the computer."
Empathize with him: "Of course, this is unpleasant. I understand you", "If I were you, I would also be angry (unhappy) if my thing was taken without asking."
The smaller the child, the less aware he is of what he is doing in a fit of anger. As a rule, children do not understand that they are hurting others when they fight. And this must be explained to the child in his language, given his age. In addition, children still do not know how to control their anger. By the way, do you know how?

Encourage your child to share their feelings with you.
Teach him to voice his feelings in "I - messages" for example, "I got angry because you broke my phone", "I hate when my things are taken without asking." Thus, you teach him to express anger with words, not action.
Of course, you yourself, too, express your feelings in "I - messages". "I hate that you threw all the things."
Show different ways of expressing anger: stomp, clap, crumple and tear paper, cut with scissors, throw soft balls.
For boys to react to anger, it is useful to play "war", in brave and strong heroes from fairy tales, cartoons, films, defending justice and goodness, in "battles with the dragon, the Serpent Gorynych, Koschey the Immortal", in which your son will act as a brave hero and the winner of evil. In such games, good must always prevail. Buy military toys for your son: tanks, pistols, swords. With the help of them, he will also be able to respond to his aggression.

You can also throw out anger in role-playing games, where there is an "aggressor" and "victim", for example, "cat and dog", "cat and mouse", "wolf (fox) and hare". Important: in such games, change places so that the child has been in both roles, and any game should end well, on a truce. In role-playing games, it is necessary to show the child the possible consequences of aggression and teach others, peaceful ways to resolve the conflict. Of course, you must first learn them yourself.
Channel his aggression in a different direction, for example, he can vent his anger in sports. You can hang a punching bag in the house.
You can react with anger in all games where there is an opportunity for a blow, kick: these are all simple ball games, football, hockey, badmenton, tennis, basketball, of course, all kinds of wrestling. Even the simplest charging will help relieve stress.
While walking, encourage your child to move more, run, jump. Be sure to dance with your child.
Watch good programs, cartoons and films with your child, read fairy tales in which good triumphs over evil... Keep away from cartoons and movies that show violence.
Sing and listen to kind, cheerful songs.
Stage fairy tales and cartoons with toys, from the child's life (without naming names), act out different ways of resolving conflicts.
Ask your child to come up with new ways to deal with the situation peacefully. For example, a sandbox scene can be played out using two bunnies as an example. One took the toy from the other. What to do in such a situation? For example, play with this toy together, together or in turn.
I also want to offer you the following games that you can play with your child from time to time, and especially when he is angry.

Game "Wicked pillow" or "Whipping pillow"

We choose a separate pillow, which we beat, bite, trample, kick when we are angry. In this case, you can shout directly into the pillow. Then you should never sleep or lie on this pillow. This pillow should be kept in a special place.

Game "Magic Bag"

Sew or pick up a special "magic" bag in which you can talk about your hurt, pain, anger, annoyance and other feelings. Explain and show your child how to use it.
“This bag has the magical property of turning unpleasant feelings into calm ones. To do this, you need to open the bag and say everything that you feel into it. until it disappears. This bag can dissolve a bad feeling. And you will feel lightness and calmness. "
Encourage your child to use the magic bag whenever he is angry, offended when he is in a bad mood, so that he becomes a habit.

REASONS OF CHILD AGGRESSION

If you yourself or someone in your family hits the child(dad, older brother), or someone in the family (let's say dad beats mom), do not doubt that this is the main reason for children's aggression.
Your aggression towards the child leads to the fact that he redirects his aggression to the weaker ones. He cannot answer you YET, but he takes out his anger on other children. Think about the example you set for him. The child is your mirror, it reflects you and what is happening in your family. If you change your behavior, he will change too.
Unfortunately, aggression in the family is still the norm. 90% of my clients admit to me (far from immediately) that they beat or beat their children. Moreover, many do not consider spanking and cuffs to be a manifestation of aggression. And they simply do not represent other ways of raising children.

If you shout or swing at a child, insult and humiliate him, threaten him with a belt, "break" him, press on him - you form his role as a victim. But the victim of parental terror in a different situation with the weaker acts as a "tormentor". At home he is a "victim", and in kindergarten or on the playground he is a "tormentor".

Let's look at other common causes of child aggression:

• 1) Inability of parents to cope with their own aggression. Let's say you yell at the child and at each other, are often irritated, barely contain your anger, or vice versa, suppress your aggression, do not acknowledge or accept your feelings.
  Aggressive parents and children are aggressive. If you don't know what to do with your aggression, how can you teach your child to do this? If you break down on your child, then suffer from guilt, then the problem is in you, and you need to urgently consult a psychologist.


• 2) Constant criticism of the child. Very often, parents praise little, or do not praise their children at all, they perceive success as the norm, but they react emotionally and negatively to any mistake. If you know for yourself such a feature, learn to emotionally react to the slightest achievements of the child, thus positively reinforcing them.
• 3) Indifference to the child, lack of attention and love for him. In this case, with the help of aggressive behavior, the child can attract YOUR attention, even if only with a minus sign.
• 4) The harsh atmosphere in the house and iron discipline.
• 5) Indifference and ignorance of the aggressive behavior of the child. If you do not react in any way to the pugnaciousness and other forms of aggression of the child (for example, you took away a toy from another toddler), then you are encouraging him in this way.
• 6) Praise of the child and pride in the fact that he surrenders change, behaves like a real kid, of course, also reinforces his pugnacity.
• 7) Aggression of a child can be an unconsciously adopted feeling of someone from your family members and even ancestors. Let me give you an example.
  I was approached by the mother of 4-year-old Vasya, who fought every day in kindergarten, beat children in the playground. We had a constellation with her.
  As a result of the arrangement, it turned out that Vasya was identified with his mother’s great-grandfather (mother’s grandfather), who during the Great Patriotic War was hijacked to a station camp and never returned. Of course, the theme of "victim - tormentor" was very strongly manifested in the fate of his great-grandfather. Being a victim of fascist tormentors, he could not help feeling aggression and a desire to take revenge, to stand up for himself. What the great-grandfather did not succeed in is done in his place by his great-grandson Vasya, who unconsciously "took" his aggression. After Vasya was dis-identified with his great-grandfather in the constellation and freed himself from other people's feelings that were not related to him, the boy stopped fighting.

Why is your child fighting? Each case is unique, and it is important to deal with each situation separately. If the previous tips didn't work for you, then the best way to make a difference is with family constellations.