Saint John Chrysostom

In marriage, one must sacrifice everything and endure everything in order to preserve mutual love; if it is lost, everything is lost.

This is the strength of the life of all of us, that the wife be of one mind with her husband; it supports everything in the world.

Love is a strong wall, impregnable not only for people, but also for the devil.

A mother, giving birth to a child, gives the world a man, and then she must give the sky an angel in him.

Nothing saves love so much as forgiveness of insults to the guilty before us.

Let us instruct our children in such a way that they prefer virtue to everything else, and consider the abundance of wealth as nothing.

The corruption of children comes from nothing else, but from the insane attachment [of parents] to worldly things.

Even if everything in our life is well-organized, we will be subjected to extreme punishment if we do not care about the salvation of children.

Are you not causing yourself grief by the unbridledness of your son? You should have carefully restrained him, accustomed him to order, to the accurate performance of his duties and healed the diseases of his soul when he was still young and when it was much easier to do.

If there is unanimity between husband and wife, peace and the union of love, all good things flow to them. And evil slander is not dangerous for spouses who are protected, like a great wall, by unanimity in God.

If everyone does his duty, then everything will be strong; seeing herself loved, the wife is friendly, but meeting obedience, the husband is meek.

Do not deviate from each other, except by agreement(1 Corinthians 7:5). What does it mean? The wife must not abstain against the will of her husband, and the husband must not abstain against the will of his wife. Why? Because from such abstinence comes great evil; from this often there were adulteries, fornications and discord in family life. The apostle said well: Don't shy away. This is done by many wives, committing a great sin against justice and thereby giving their husbands a pretext for debauchery and leading to disorder.

Whoever is negligent towards his children, even if he is decent in other respects, will suffer the utmost punishment for this sin. Everything we have should be secondary in comparison with the care of children.

If someone learns chastity, then he will consider his wife the sweetest of all, he will look at her with great love and have great agreement with her, and with peace and harmony all good things will enter his house.

Such is the power of love: it is not delayed by distance, it is not weakened by longevity, it is not overcome by temptations; but, conquering all this, he rises above all and rises to a height unattainable.

Hieromartyr Cyprian of Carthage

Take away patience from love, and it, as ruined, will cease to exist.

Reverend Isaac the Syrian

Do not exchange love for your neighbor for love for some thing, because by loving your neighbor you acquire in yourself the One Who is most precious in the world.

Reverend Mark the Ascetic

It is impossible to be saved otherwise than through your neighbor, as the Lord commanded, saying: Forgive and you will be forgiven(Luke 6:37).

Venerable Nil of Sinai

Prefer nothing to the love of your neighbor, except in those cases when, because of it, the love of God is despised.

Saint Basil the Great

Take care not to leave children on earth, but to raise them up to heaven; do not cling to the marriage of the flesh, but strive for the spiritual; give birth to souls and raise children spiritually.

Reverend Gennady of Kostroma

What happens between you in the family, do not take it out of your house to people, and if you see or hear evil outside the house, do not bring it into your house.

Saint Tikhon of Zadonsk

Many parents teach their children foreign languages, others teach the arts, but they neglect Christian teaching and upbringing: such parents give birth to children for temporary life, and they are not allowed to eternal life. Woe to them, for it is not the bodies, but the souls of men, that kill with their negligence!

Children look more at the life of their parents and reflect it in their young souls than listen to their words.

Saint Theophan the Recluse

You are a wife, you are a mother, you are a mistress. The duties of all these parts are depicted in the writings of the apostles. Look through them and take on the conscience to perform. For it is doubtful that salvation could be arranged apart from the performance of duties which are imposed by rank and status.

It is not necessary to watch that the child is not enough, - from the first years one should begin to soften the flesh prone to coarse matter and accustom the child to possess over it, so that both in adolescence and youth, and after them, one can easily and freely manage this need. The first starter is very expensive.

Marriage love is love blessed by God.

Have a wife as a friend and with strong love force her to be submissive to yourself.

Reverend Anthony of Optina

Meekness and humility of heart are such virtues, without which it is impossible not only to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven, but neither to be happy on earth, nor to feel peace of mind in oneself.

Rev. Ambrose of Optina

Mercy and indulgence towards neighbors and forgiveness of their shortcomings is the shortest path to salvation.

Idleness and neglect of the fear of God in children are the cause of all evils and misfortunes. Without instilling the fear of God, no matter what you do with children, there will be no desired fruits in relation to good morality and a well-ordered life. When the fear of God is instilled, every occupation is good and useful.

Rev. Anatoly Optina the Younger

We are obliged to love everyone, but to be loved, we do not dare to demand.

Keeping family peace is a holy command of God. The husband must, according to the apostle Paul, love his wife as himself; and the apostle compared the wife with the Church. That's how great marriage is!

Venerable Nektarios of Optina

Happiness in married life is given only to those who fulfill the commandments of God and treat marriage as a sacrament of the Christian Church.

Reverend Nikon of Optina

The affairs of those with whom we have a different way of life are inaccessible to us. For example, a mother with babies cannot go to church every day for all services and pray at home for a long time. From this there will be not only embarrassment, but even sin, if, for example, in the absence of a mother, a child without a guardian mutilates himself or does pranks when he grows up. She cannot completely renounce property for the sake of personal achievement, for she is obliged to support and feed her children.

If you love someone, then you humble yourself before him. Where there is love, there is humility, and where there is malice, there is pride.

Holy Righteous John of Kronstadt

For each other, you should be an example of meekness and gentleness, abstinence, complacency, honesty and diligence, obedience to God's will, patience and hope; help each other; take care of each other, condescend to one another, covering each other's weaknesses with love.

Be as sincere, kind and affectionate as possible to your family: then all the troubles on their part will be destroyed by themselves, then you will overcome evil with good if they have evil against you and express it.

Do not be embittered by anything, conquer everything with love: all sorts of grievances, whims, all sorts of family troubles. Know nothing but love. Blame always sincerely yourself, recognizing yourself as the culprit of troubles.

If you live in mutual love, you will bring down on yourself and your offspring the grace of God, and God will dwell in you and crown all your undertakings and deeds with blessed success, for where there is love, there is God, and where there is God, there is everything good.

Ascetics of piety about family

Hegumen Nikon (Vorobiev)

"Keep peace in the family at any cost!"

“Love is above everything, all feats…”

With all the conviction, with all the strength of my soul, I beg you with love: humble yourself before Sergei, consider yourself guilty before him (even if you were right in something), ask for forgiveness for all the past; then make a vow to God to do everything for the sake of peace and the salvation of both. You cannot be saved without Sergei, and he cannot be saved without you. The death of one will be the death of the other. You are married, you are one person. If your hand gets sick, you don't cut it off, you heal it. You cannot cut off Sergei from yourself, just as he can cut you off. You need to save yourself or die together.

I will say a few words about your condition, which you seem to be inclined to consider as belonging only to yours, namely, feelings of loneliness, abandonment, and so on.

I have not met a single girl or single woman who did not suffer from this. This, obviously, lies in the nature of women. After the fall, the Lord said to Eve: And your attraction to your husband(Gen. 3:16). This attraction (not only carnal, but even more psychic, and sometimes exclusively psychic) ​​is obvious, and acts in all solitary people, being refracted and embellished unconsciously in the most diverse way. Taken from Adam's rib, it reaches into place to create one whole person.

Love one another, have pity on everyone, preserve peace at any cost, let business suffer, but peace be preserved!

You definitely need this time to be with your family, to help you get settled, to carry out all the tasks without grumbling, to show love to your people in this difficult time. Love is above everything, all feats. Then, when everything is arranged, it will be possible to think about yourself.

Love even for a person seeks to express itself by doing something pleasant for the beloved, no matter how much sacrifice it costs. The stronger the love, the greater the desire to prove it, and selfless love can only be proved by sacrifice, and just as true love has no limit, so the thirst for sacrifice as a manifestation of love has no limit.

God is love(1 John 4:8); it is not said that God "has love", but - is love, Divine love, surpassing all human understanding. If human love sacrifices life for the sake of the beloved, then as the almighty Lord, for Whom it is not difficult to create whole worlds with one Word, Who is Love, as He, who so loved a sinful fallen man, will leave him without His Providence, without help in need, in sorrow, in danger?! This can never be!

Passion [love] does not see the shortcomings of the other, therefore (and in many other ways) it is called blind - friendship and love see everything, but cover the shortcomings and help the friend get rid of them, overcome them, rise from step to step.

Schiegumen John (Alekseev), Elder of Valaam

"Fiery love without religion is very unreliable."

“God forbid you leave your husband…”

I do not advise you to dream of monastic life. The Lord is leading you into eternal life through a worldly married life. Manage to live a family life for the sake of Christ, and the Lord, seeing your will, will help you to be saved in family life too - do not doubt it. Saint Macarius the Great cites as an example two women who pleased God, who came to perfection in spiritual life, were even higher than hermits. They had a desire to spend their life in a monastery, but for some reason they had husbands. The Lord, seeing their desire to please Him in the monastery, helped them to be saved in family life as well. At the present time, life in monasteries is not what you picture, and you, due to your inexperience in spiritual life, can only be tempted by monastic life.

Christ is in our midst!

It is good sometimes to remember your past sins, because humility is born from this, and when despair comes from the memories of past sins, then the enemy is obviously trying to anger the soul. Do not listen to him, calm down, do not hesitate, do not lose heart, try to drive away such outrageous thoughts with prayer. The Holy Spirit says through the prophet Ezekiel: "If a sinner turns from his sins, then his sins will not be remembered" (see Ezekiel 33:11). The Lord does not want the death of the sinner. So live for your family, be wise like a serpent, and meek like a dove, but keep silent about your inner life, and they won’t understand you. If when your husband stumbles, be patient, do not be embarrassed, but pray more fervently. Remember: you stumbled too.

Here is what I noticed: under old age, time flies faster, because it is felt that everything is over, the time of transition to eternity is approaching; somehow all interests disappeared. But open the minds of the young and you will see how their fantasy plays: they will be happy, they will get a good groom, they will be rich, and family life will go well, and much more on this topic, these pictures will pass through their heads, and be alone again.

It pleases me that you have a desire for the one thing you need. Try not to lose your spirit. The marriage union should not embarrass you, for it is blessed by God. However, try to bear each other's burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ. Wise you, Lord! Of course, the world demands its own: labors, troubles and worries, it cannot be otherwise.

When you arrived in New York, your husband was looking for an Orthodox church, he even stood for the entire Easter service; but now he has changed a lot, he doesn’t even want to take his son to church. Unfortunately for us, we can expect that he will not want you to go to church. Although he is a good person, as you write, he has already changed under the influence of his relatives. And fiery love without religion is very unreliable. I pity you that you got into such an environment. However, do not lose heart and do not be cowardly, pray and hope for the help of God and the Queen of Heaven.

Christ is in our midst!

Here's my advice to you: decline the request of the lady who asked you to speak to her husband. Let them figure it out themselves, because you don’t know the reasons, and you don’t need to find out family troubles. We, confessors, have to listen to stories about various family troubles, we, of course, are obliged, since we can also advise. You did a good job of advising her to pray, and pray yourself, but the request to talk to her husband and advise him on something, reject again. Wise you, Lord.

When we are subject to passions—I speak of self-conceit, vanity, anger, slyness, and demonic pride—then under their influence we think that all people are guilty and not good. However, we do not have such a commandment to demand love and justice from others, but we ourselves are obliged to fulfill the commandment of love and be fair ...

Mankind has invented politeness instead of love, and under this politeness are hidden: vanity, hypocrisy, slyness, anger and other passions of the soul. If you meet someone who looks like just a human soul, you won't understand him right away. And since the foundation is not based on love, its inner state is revealed very soon, because such a person is dual: in words he says so, but in deeds he says otherwise.

And whoever has love at the root, such a person is no longer dualistic, because he has simplicity, frankness and naturalness. This feature occurs only among ascetics of piety. There are people who by nature have such talents, but they are recognized by their fruits. Vinegar and water have the same color, but the taste is different, because the larynx distinguishes food.

Do not despair, do not be discouraged, calm down. “Sin and misfortune were not with anyone,” says a Russian proverb. The Pharisees brought to Christ a woman taken in adultery, and they say to him: “Teacher, what will you command to do with her” (read in the Gospel of John 8, 3-11).

God forbid you leave your husband, be patient and pray, the Lord, in His mercy, will help you survive this trouble. Your husband is very humble, crying and asking for forgiveness, you, by the commandment of God, forgive him, and never reproach him, and do not remind him of this temptation. Enough shame and disgrace for him when I found him at the scene of the crime, it is very difficult for him to endure, help him, Lord. Do not sadden him, but try to show him a cheerful look, you will thereby ease his mental torment. The holy apostle says: "Carry one another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ" (see Gal. 6:2). If you do this, then your prayer will be more pure. The Holy Fathers write: "Cover your neighbor's sins, the Lord will cover yours too." Of course, this happened to him in a drunken state ...

I answer your questions of the second letter as follows: try to be faithful to your husband, do not cheat on him and obey him in everything. Of course, excluding the requirements of the Orthodox faith. There is no need to talk about religious topics, and if he speaks himself, answer what you know, but first mentally pray to God. Teach him not by words, but by a virtuous Christian life. Don't force him to go to church; if he wishes, that is another matter; be pleased and grateful that you are not hindered from walking. Pray for him simply, like a child: “Save, Lord, and have mercy on my husband N., save and enlighten him.” And leave everything else to God's mercy and be calm.

Pray for your husband, but do not bother and do not tell him to be Orthodox: with your advice you can offend and push him away from Orthodoxy; pray and dispose yourself to the will of God, and leave everything else to God's mercy.

Do not grieve and do not condemn him, because everyone has his weaknesses and shortcomings. He, too, is not without infirmities and not without shortcomings. So, learn from each other to bear burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ.

Archimandrite John (Krestyankin)

“Happiness must be cultivated patiently and with many labors.”

“Children are living icons, work on them,

do not distort the image of God in them ... "

... And you need to keep your family with a wise and patient attitude towards your spouse. It's just easy to say: "I'll get a divorce!"

You do not need to become someone else, and not the one that your husband loved. You need to dress with taste, and comb your hair to your face, and everything else, because you are not a monastic.

And you should have common interests with your spouse, and do not embarrass him with your ostentatious religiosity, but observe the measure in everything and take into account the spiritual illness that has befallen him. Pray for him secretly. In a word - keep peace and love in the family, patiently condescending to his mental weakness. Faith will come to him in response to your labors and wise behavior with him in everything.

With whomever a person begins to build a family life, he will go through periods of temptation. After all, there is no ready-made happiness ... Happiness must also be cultivated patiently and with many labors on both sides.

Accept all the sorrows that you experience through your child as a cleansing punishment for your past, and learn to thank God for everything, consciously and responsibly accepting everything from the Hand of God.

Do not leave children and their upbringing to chance, on TV and on the street. This is a sin, and a big one. Pray and, as far as possible, influence their choices in life. Of course, not by violence, but by suggestion and awareness of the fatality of modern consciousness, imposed from outside.

Children are, after all, living icons, work hard on them, do not distort the image of God in them with your inattention and neglect.

Question : A few years ago, the Sretensky Monastery held a series of lectures on the Christian family at the Polytechnic Museum. One day was completely devoted to questions and answers, and I asked my burning question. Why does this happen: a bright, pure girl; smart, educated boy; the priest knows both, blesses, crowns, but family life does not add up? And vice versa: stormy youth, both have several marriages behind their backs, their own children and others'; the priest does not bless, does not take responsibility, because he does not see the basis for the future happiness of the family, but they still get married, and everything is fine with them - why is this so? Several priests were sitting at the table on the stage, Archpriest Maxim Kozlov answered. I remember it for the rest of my life, because, probably, I answered very honestly. I won’t reproduce it verbatim, but the meaning is this: a family is always a risk. Yes, sometimes there are all grounds for happiness, people do everything right in order to be worthy of God's mercy and family happiness. But there is no happiness. And vice versa: they play tricks in their youth, there is no basis for happiness, and God, in His mercy, finds the basis for happiness precisely for these people. This is a secret from God. This is a human risk. Is always. And it's fair.

Answer: Although this is more of a replica rather than a direct question, I will try to express my point of view on this problem, especially since many people are concerned about such questions, and I have already had to answer them before.

I agree with the deeply respected father Maxim: creating a family is always a risk. As well as any difficult and important business. Like opening a new business, building a large facility, or having a baby. Doesn't a woman, especially a believer, for whom abortion is a grave sin, take risks when she conceives and then gives birth to a baby? After all, an ectopic pregnancy, various complications, the threat of miscarriage and, finally, the risk of dying during childbirth or giving birth to a disabled child are possible. No one is immune from these and other dangers. But, nevertheless, almost every family, knowing about these dangers, takes risks. Or another example: driving a car. Every year 30,000 people die on Russian roads. This is twice as many as our soldiers died in Afghanistan during the nine years of the war. And how many more people annually remain crippled and lose their health in an accident! But, knowing all this, everyone continues to use vehicles, and some work as drivers. But every sane person, starting an unsafe business, tries to minimize the degree of risk. This is also stated in the Gospel: “For which of you, wanting to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the costs, whether he has what it takes to complete it, so that when he lays the foundation and is unable to complete, all who see do not begin to laugh over him, saying, This man began to build, and could not finish? Or what king, going to war against another king, does not sit down and consult first whether he is strong with ten thousand to resist the one who comes against him with twenty thousand? Otherwise, while he is still far away, he will send an embassy to him to ask for peace” (Luke 14:28-32). An example with the same driving a car: who will get into accidents more often - a driver who has completed a training course, drives carefully and follows the rules, or a person who bought a license without really learning how to drive, often breaks the rules and is also prone to recklessness ? I think the answer is obvious. If a woman wants to reduce the risk of pregnancy, she must also follow the rules: take care of yourself, eat well, do not lift weights, see a doctor. If she carries heavy bags, smokes, drinks alcohol and does not care about the recommendations of doctors, then it is very likely that her pregnancy will end in failure. Of course, there are very small chances that, despite all this, the Lord will still save her and the unborn baby and she will be safely born a healthy baby - there are such cases. But it is clear to anyone that the risk for such a woman in labor increases many times over.

Now about marriage. If a Christian wants to live according to the will of God and save his soul, he must be guided not by his own “truth”, but by the Truth of God, which is set forth in Holy Scripture and in the writings of the Holy Fathers, that is, in Holy Tradition, as well as the instructions of his conscience and advice spiritual father. If he lives according to the principle: “my will be done”, I will live as I want, and then the Lord will manage somehow (after all, life is a risk anyway), he commits a big sin, deliberately goes against God and exposes himself to great danger .

Holy Scripture gives us the doctrine of marriage. I will not now detail it with numerous quotes - everyone, if desired, can find them himself. I will be brief. The Lord gives us the rules of family life. These are: 1) mutual marital love and hierarchy, in the image of the love and hierarchy of Christ and the Church, 2) keeping purity before marriage and fidelity in marriage, 3) the indissolubility of the marital union (except for the guilt of adultery): “what God has combined, let a man not separates” (Matthew 19:6). If we build a family life according to these spiritual laws, we can save our family from many troubles and find marital happiness. Of course, there are cases, like the one described in the above commentary, when church virginal young people do not find marital happiness and their marriage breaks up. But, if you look at the situation as a whole, divorces, betrayals and family scandals are much less common in church families. There, these phenomena are exceptions, but in other, unbelieving, families, they are common and even natural. Christian families break up not because the rules of Christian family life are bad, and not because the Holy Scripture is outdated, but because we are Christians - Orthodox of the 21st century, who have forgotten what real love, family, patience are. After all, in order to create a strong and happy Christian family, only external correct conditions are not enough. We need our personal work, the feat of family life. The Monk Seraphim of Sarov said that for salvation it is not enough just to pray, fast and go to the temple, you need "acquisition of the Holy Spirit." So it is in family life. Of course, the right conditions help us and reduce risks, but the main thing is the acquisition and preservation of the spirit of love. True, sacrificial conjugal love is the content of marriage, and the right conditions are the form.

As Father Maxim Kozlov again correctly noted, there is a special vision of God, His Providence for each individual person and for each married couple. Because every person has his own way to God. Someone in childhood did not receive an Orthodox upbringing, grew up in an incomplete family and “did a trick in his youth” - there is only one demand from him, only God’s watching about him. And it is very possible that after his sincere repentance and realization of his mistakes, the Lord will give this person another chance for happiness. Or vice versa: a person grew up in a priestly, friendly family, but consciously took the path of sin, fell into fornication before marriage, cheated on his wife in marriage, divorced and entered into a second marriage - it is clear that the demand from him will be completely different: “to whom much has been given, and much will be required; and to whom much has been entrusted, more will be exacted from him” (Luke 12:48). Yes, the Lord has a special consideration for everyone, but that's what it is special which is not for everyone. And for all of us there is a common plan of God: to be saved and to build life (including family life) according to the commandments, according to the Gospel.

You gave a very specific example: the couple went through a turbulent youth, each had several marriages and several children from these marriages, went against the blessing of the priest, got married, and everything is fine with them. Sorry, but as a clergyman who regularly takes confession, I cannot agree with this. Constantly confessing people who are not already in their first marriage, I know how they, their spouses and children are tormented by all these mistakes, and most importantly, how they themselves suffer pangs of conscience. No normal person will argue that marriage should be created once in a lifetime and that it is much better than going through trial, error and sin. Not a single person can simply cross out a negative experience from life, forget everything like a bad dream. Even after repentance and confession, the consequences of his sins will be with him. His former spouses will remain, children from previous marriages with whom it is necessary to communicate, as well as memories of past relationships and a habit of sin. So, it can no longer be "all is well." But this is a topic for a separate discussion.

Question : I divorced my husband: we were unbelievers, young. She got married a second time. Is true love possible in our marriage, because I have committed a great sin, or is it fornication, passion? Now I am a church person, I even work in the temple; my current husband rarely goes to church, but he believes in God.

Answer : Yes, the great tragedy of our people is the isolation from their spiritual roots. 70 years of atheistic captivity has done its dark deed, and the consequences of this godlessness will affect us and our descendants for a long time to come. Most people came to the Church after going through a lot, making a lot of mistakes and sins. But the Lord came to earth for this, to give hope to every person. And Christianity is a religion of resurrection; the main task of our faith is the resurrection of the human soul. How is it carried out? Through baptism and repentance. Russia, of course, has already been baptized, and we have more than 80% of those baptized, but repentance, confession, the holy fathers call the second baptism, only not with water, but with tears. Many, repenting of great sins, ask: “Will God forgive me or not?” This question arises from a misunderstanding of repentance. As if there is some offended Divine dignity, which is waiting for satisfaction and punishment for the criminal. God is all-perfect Love, He forgave us all a long time ago, taking our sins upon Himself and sacrificing Himself for us. But He is waiting for our personal repentance, and we need: firstly, to admit that we are sick, and, secondly, to embark on the path of correction - for our own good. If we don’t repent, we won’t improve, but God wants our salvation. After repentance, there is a lot of work to be done on yourself, on your mistakes, and, of course, it will not be easy. The greater the sin, the greater its destructive consequences for us and the people around us. Sin is a spiritual disease. Diseases have different degrees of severity and forms. There is a runny nose, it is treated quickly, but there is tuberculosis, it is treated for a long time, it is not easy and the consequences remain. Fornication, adultery, the destruction of the family are diseases that many modern people suffer from. Sins are serious, and they are not easily treated. The Church, healing the illnesses of the soul, appoints penitential penance after confession, depending on the gravity of the sin. Of course, the terms of penance, which are given in church canons, are not applicable in modern Russian reality, therefore penances are given by confessors according to their strength, based on the specific situation, the capabilities of the penitent and the degree of his churchness. I'll give you an example. Most of the women in our country have had abortions. For an abortion, according to the 2nd canon rule of St. Basil the Great, it is necessary to excommunicate for 10 years. Can you imagine what will happen if we excommunicate all these women for such a period? But many of them had more than one abortion. After such a ban, some will never come to church again, so penances are now given as much as possible - because of the weakness and lack of churchness of our people.

Of course, Holy Scripture tells us about monogamy. And the Lord indicates only one reason for divorce - adultery of one of the spouses (see: Matt. 19: 9). According to church rules, if a marriage broke up due to adultery, the injured party was allowed to enter into another marriage. Also, remarriage was allowed due to widowhood. Now the Church condescends to the weakness of the people, due to the above reasons. Here is what is said in the Fundamentals of the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church, a document adopted at the Council of Bishops in 2000: “The Church does not at all encourage second marriage. However, after a legal ecclesiastical divorce, according to canon law, a second marriage is permitted to the innocent spouse. Persons whose first marriage broke up was dissolved through their fault, entering into a second marriage is allowed only on condition of repentance and the fulfillment of the penance imposed in accordance with canonical rules.

You ask whether your second marriage is fornication, passion, or is it still a marriage and love is possible in it. Of course, your union is not fornication, it is a legal marriage, although not the first one. In the rite of the wedding of the second marriage, even if widowers are married, repentant motives are very clearly traced, and the wedding takes place without crowns, as a sign that the spouses are no longer virgins and are remarrying. The Church has always treated the second marriage as an acceptable infirmity.

Now about love. Of course, love is possible in your marriage. The commandment to love is central to the New Testament. And if it so happened that people entered into a second marriage, they also have the opportunity to love and be loved.

I would like to talk a little about the difficulties and even the dangers of remarriage. Yes, repentance cleanses our sins, and the Lord in His mercy forgives them, but we have already said that very painful consequences inevitably remain.

You can often hear the stories of movie and pop stars and all kinds of public people about how happy they are in their fourth or fifth marriage, how they get along well with their ex-wives and husbands. And many people get the impression that everything is very easy and simple: no luck in the first marriage - it doesn’t matter, you can try again, and finally “my attempt No. 5” will bring happiness. Of course, the real life of stars is a secret for us, but something is still known about them. It is known, for example, that there are simply no more unhappy people in family life than artists, singers and poets. In this community, a close-knit family and love for life is a rare exception. Can we trust their revelations? I remember the story of the actor Stanislav Sadalsky. He once said something like this: “Sometimes it’s funny for me to hear the stories of my acquaintances of artists about what a wonderful family they have and how they love each other. After all, I know that there are such horns on each side that they no longer go through the door. And it happens the other way around: in an interview, the stars share the details of “terrible” family scandals specifically in order to “promote themselves”, create additional advertising for themselves, and draw attention to their person. Where there is real life, and where is another feature film, it can be difficult to understand. Creative people in general are not easy people. I had occasion to confess professional artists, poets: these are special people. Their working tool is the nervous system. They themselves admitted that often in ordinary, real life they cannot disconnect from their playing on stage, live their roles, images, and continue to play them in life. This is their big problem.

A family psychologist with 20 years of experience, Irina Anatolyevna Rakhimova, once told me that, unfortunately, as a rule, everything is shallow with artists. They usually easily relate to mutual betrayals. But they do not have deep feelings, strong love. For some time they sincerely believe that they love, that they are happy, and then, when emotions cool down, they easily part. In addition, it is possible to judge whether the marriage was successful or not only after a long period of time.

But let's go down from the star Olympus to the earth. But what about us ordinary people? Let me give you a few examples that show that past sins and mistakes of youth can greatly interfere with family life. Middle-aged spouses from the Moscow region came to my temple. Good, friendly family; It is clear that they love each other. But this is the second marriage of the husband, from the first marriage there is a son. And this man repeatedly told me that when he has to meet with his ex-wife on business, he has the strongest fornication thoughts and temptations, he begins to be very tormented by memories of their past life, and he can hardly cope with himself so as not to change the current one. wife. He cannot not communicate with his first wife, as he must see his son, and also help her with money.

Another friend of mine, let's call him Gennady, was married twice. Both marriages broke up, there are children from both wives. The children are still small, he is forced to communicate with them on the territory of their mothers. When he comes to them, he periodically has an intimate relationship with one or the other, despite the fact that Gena is a believer, a church person.

Alexander and Nadezhda cohabited for about a year, then got married, got married. Alexander had another woman before Nadia. Now the spouses go to the temple, regularly confess and take communion. But Nadezhda began to be tormented by fits of jealousy, she often reproaches Sasha with the fact that he had a mistress before her. Yes, and Alexander now often compares his wife with the "former" - unfortunately, not in favor of his wife.

And here is another example. A very young couple from the Vladimir region. They came to the Church already in marriage, before marriage they had bodily relations with each other, but did not live together. Before they met, they also led a life not too chaste. For several years now they have been leading the church life, often going to confession and communion. But the past life does not want to let go. At the wife at a meeting with former friends several times it came almost to fornication; thank God, she found the strength to stop in time. The husband, suspecting something was wrong, began to be jealous, conflicts and quarrels became more frequent in the family.

In addition to problems of a spiritual nature, other pitfalls can lie in wait for second-married couples.

For those who have not encountered the problem of remarriages, it may seem that a divorced person with “experience” will have much easier time in family life than a first-time marriage. Still would! A lot of baggage has been acquired, cones are full, and now there is every chance not to make a mistake in choosing and to build relationships in marriage correctly. Unfortunately, there are very few cases when people really learned from past mistakes and would not step on the same rake again. Why? People tend to see not their own mistakes, but to blame others for everything: “It's not my fault that our marriage broke up; I'm just unlucky; spouse (a) got (was) very unsuitable (th), but in the second or third marriage everything will be different. And in a new marriage, everything turns out exactly the same. For some time, the spouses live in perfect harmony, and then the option with the first marriage is repeated. Without admitting one's guilt in what happened, without a deep analysis of one's mistakes and one's behavior in general, there will be no normal relations in a new marriage.

One of my acquaintances, a female psychologist, strongly recommended that those who survived a breakup (by the way, not only in marriage) for some time - a year or more - not make new acquaintances, but start working on themselves, their spiritual growth, in order to understand: what prevents me from being happy in marriage what are the disadvantages? Why did our union fall apart? Only then there are chances for happiness in marriage. I must say that with such a correct approach, sometimes it is possible to restore a divorced marriage, and I am a witness to this. The advice “not to rush to create a new union” is also valuable because there is a very great temptation immediately after a divorce to start looking for new relationships. And most often nothing good comes of this: the hasty creation of a family is often done in spite of the first spouse, or a person seeks quick consolation in a new marriage, that is, he is guided not by love, but by some of his own selfish interests. Sometimes offended people want to increase their self-esteem by entering into a new marriage. The consequence of all this haste is an unfortunate choice and further family problems.

In any case, a new marriage does not always start from scratch, people with “experience” voluntarily or involuntarily bring into a new family those wrong attitudes, communication errors, false behaviors that interfered with them in their first marriage and contributed to its breakup. This is something to seriously think about.

In conclusion, I would like to say about the most important thing: what about people who did not save their first union and created a new family? You need to start, of course, with a confession, even if you are the injured party. Guilt in divorce is almost always mutual. In addition, not seeing your guilt, your mistakes, you will repeat them already in a new marriage. The second thing to do is to create “fruit worthy of repentance” (Matt. 3: 8), that is, try to live in such a way that in a new marriage you would not only not repeat old sins, but also constantly cultivate and strengthen your love and relationships . You must create a Christian family, focused on true love, patience, humility and mutual concessions. Of course, constant prayer to God with a request for help in family life and mutual prayer of spouses for each other is necessary.

The previously mentioned I.A. Rakhimova strongly advises people who have entered into a new marriage to pay special attention to the basic law of family life: to make another person happy. Do not look for consolations in a new marriage only for yourself and solve your own problems, but fulfill the commandment to love your neighbor.

And, of course, use the negative experience of a past life in order not to repeat previous mistakes in a new union. You can also advise to read more good books about family and marriage and constantly think about how to improve your family life. Marriage is not an easy thing, and even more so for second-marrieds.

Question : My husband left his first wife and married me, we are painted with him. His previous marriage was married, there was a child. Recently, we also had a son. It turns out that I broke the family. What do we do now? My husband and I have just started taking our first steps in the temple.

Answer: Of course, your husband committed a sin, and you - at least indirectly - are to blame for this. If your union was not a legal marriage, but simply cohabitation, I would definitely say that your husband needs to return to his former family, but you are legally married to him. And even if he leaves you now, returns to his first wife and tries to restore his previous marriage, it remains to be seen whether he will be able to revive the past family, and your new marriage with him will be destroyed in the process. I think that everything should be left as is. What happened, happened, you can’t return the past, you need to live in the present. What about in the present? You have a family, you have a son, he needs a father and mother who love him and love each other.

You are just beginning your journey in the Church. You need to start it with repentance: both you and your spouse need to confess and suffer penance from the priest for your sin. The sin is serious, and only a spiritual life according to the commandments, regular confession and communion can help you heal spiritual wounds.

Question : How to deal with prodigal thoughts and indiscreet views of the opposite sex, when in spring and summer most girls and women wear immodest, revealing clothes? It is very difficult to fight sinful thoughts and desires. And how to keep your eyesight at work if you are surrounded by beautiful young women?

Answer: Any sin - and fornication, and drunkenness and anger - begins with the acceptance of a thought, a thought about it. For example, a man went into a store to buy something, and his eyes fell on a display case with alcoholic beverages. And all of a sudden the thought: “Shouldn’t I get a bottle of fortified red to drink tonight? Better yet, two. If he coped with this thought, overcame it or got distracted, he did not commit a sin, but if he agreed with the thought and brought it to life, he committed the sin of drunkenness. It also happens with the thought of fornication. In the beginning, it appears (most often, through some kind of visual, visual image), then a person accepts it and commits mental fornication, and then real fornication or masturbation. In ascetic patristic literature, all this is very well and in detail described. Sinful thoughts are a common thing, most often they are instilled in us by the devil himself. The Holy Fathers teach us not to regard them as our blood property, not to be afraid of them, but also not to converse with them. The most important task is to learn how to cut off thoughts in time, when they only appear on the border of our consciousness.

Yes, indeed, it is difficult for a modern man, a modern Christian to keep his eyesight and mind clean. Difficult, but possible. Sin begins when we look at a person with lust, as the Gospel says: "... everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matt. 5:28), - when we abandon immodest, prodigal views. You have to be very careful with looks in general. If we have a weakness for the fair sex in our souls, we know this weakness, we need to try, being on the street, in the subway and in other public places, to “stare” less around. It’s generally impolite to look closely at people, and there’s certainly no benefit from this. One girl I know said that her favorite activity in public transport is to look at passengers: how they are dressed, what their faces are, what they might be thinking about at the moment. This activity is very useless. Why? You can immediately commit several sins: condemn a person by appearance or facial expression, envy or be tempted by the very prodigal thought. So it's better to say a prayer, read or listen to something in the headphones than to stare around.

If we know that we are very seduced by the female body, the first thing to do is not to fix our eyes on immodestly dressed women. So, the photographer is looking for something to photograph, but not everything is removed; if he does not need some object, he simply moves the camera. But if he aims and has already “clicked”, then this image has already remained with him, in his camera, and the photographer will then consider it. And we, ordinary people, therefore need to fix, “photograph” only what we need. If we fix our attention on women, then it is very easy to accept a prodigal thought, an image and start committing a mental sin with her. We need to notice less beautiful women around, not to cling to them with our eyes, to perceive this diversity of dresses and bodies as a kind of background, to look at the main thing, at what we really need.

Second moment. The sin is not in the look, but in the attitude. How do we perceive a woman: as a target for lust or as something neutral, not ours? Let me give you an analogy. Imagine that we are in Moscow, somewhere on Tverskaya street. Luxurious cars are all around: Audi, Mercedes, Land Cruisers; sometimes even a Bentley will flash by ... And we have a modest Zhiguli, or we generally go on foot. And now we have a choice: either fall into sin (envy, lust, condemnation), or simply not pay attention to all this auto-magnificence, or maybe even be happy for the owners of foreign cars. Yes, it's beautiful, prestigious, comfortable, but it's not mine and most likely never will be mine.

The same is true of women's views. This is especially true for married men. As folk wisdom says: "The devil puts a spoonful of honey in someone else's wife." For a married man, there should be only one woman - his wife; he should evaluate as a woman only her.

Now about the team. Here, too, you can protect yourself, even if we communicate with beautiful women every day. After all, a man myself gives himself permission: I’ll look at this one, but I won’t look at this one - it’s not mine. Only myself. Imagine that some young man has a beautiful sister, who at the same time does not dress very modestly. Or his mother is still young and beautiful. But after all, even if this young man does not adhere to strong moral principles, he still will not inflame them, commit mental fornication with them. He, of course, will struggle with these thoughts and desires in every possible way. After all, this is unthinkable, forbidden, this is my mother and sister! So you can fight? So we need to imagine that all the women who seduce us are our sisters and treat them in a kindred way, with respect, but without lust. To see in them not a seductive woman, but a person with whom one can communicate (of course, with caution), who can be helped if necessary, for example, at work, but no more. As St. Theophan the Recluse writes, when communicating with women, you need to learn to keep your heart on a leash and look at them “through the eyes of children who look at women purely, without bad thoughts.” I remember one well-known musician told how his attitude towards young admirers, fans attending his concerts, gradually changed. In his youth, they seduced him, he looked at them with lust, but over time, somewhere after 40 years, when his children had already grown up, he began to look at fans as his adult daughters, already without impure thoughts.

Hello Father Daniel! At present, everyone is worried about themselves and their loved ones, everyone is shocked. People are sitting at home, plans are broken, many live under constant fear of contracting the virus, and someone is deprived of material means of subsistence, it will be necessary to resolve issues, find additional reserves. Now, ...

Asked by: Vera

Hello Father Daniel! All these days we were preached not to leave churches, go to services and not be afraid of anything. Now Patriarch Kirill has called for the opposite. How to be?

Hello dear father. I ask you to clarify the words of His Holiness the Patriarch on refraining from visiting churches. What does it cover? Does it apply to Sunday services? Yesterday, at the early service, the priests of our church did not say anything about such measures.

Asks: Ekaterina, Moscow, religion: Orthodoxy

Father, forgive me, bless! I can’t understand what is happening to me and, accordingly, overcome this state. I have been singing in the kliros for 20 years. I try to live according to my conscience, as the Lord teaches us. I am not married and it so happened that I never was. And now I met a man, but he lives in another country (far away), too ...

Asks: Olga, Rostov-on-Don, religion: Orthodoxy

Hello! I would be extraordinarily happy if you answered my question, because with such a "strange" question I cannot turn to anyone. I see no point in living. Let me explain: I don’t see the point in fuss, I don’t see the point in work, family, etc. I often pray, read the Bible, that is, I’m quite close to the Church. When...

Asks: Anna, Ufa, religion: Christian

Hello, father. What passion is hidden behind the desire to be significant to many? I prove my importance, especially to those who behave strangely, for example, they make friends when they are interested, then disappear; love with the conditions and requirements of their own; they beg for something for themselves, but they forget about their promises. How right...

Asks: Nina, Volgograd

Bless, Father! To prevent the spread of coronavirus, WHO recommends that the population isolate themselves in order to protect themselves from the disease and not infect others. The population is allowed to work remotely and the state has taken many other measures. I live in a communal apartment, I rent a room. A young girl lives in the second room. ...

Asks: Natalia, Kiev, religion: Orthodoxy

Hello Father Daniel! There was a question about Bathsheba here recently, and it seems to me that the topic is more serious and deeper. What does the Church understand by repentance - is it just a contrite state of mind, or is it also necessary to stop sin? It happens that a man takes someone else's wife away, a new marriage is created. The registry office does not care, but the Church will marry ...

Asked by: Dmitry

Hello, father. Father, I have sinned a lot. I'm pregnant by my sister's husband, what should I do now? After all, the child is not to blame. What to do?

Asks: Nadezhda, Moscow, religion: Orthodoxy

Hello Father Daniel! In our parish with the priests, people go to confession for 15-20 minutes each, sometimes even longer. I go through confession rather quickly, in 3-5 minutes (I write down briefly what I confess, on a piece of paper, so as not to miss anything). This confuses me, maybe I'm confessing wrong? Tell me how to.

Asks: Daria, religion: Orthodoxy

Hello. Bless, father. It is said that epilepsy is cured only spiritually and not with drugs. Does this apply to all diseases or just epilepsy? And how to understand that a monk or priest has the gift of healing? Thank you.

Asked by: Anastasia

Father Daniel, bless, tell me what to do. We have introduced quarantine in Ukraine. My husband forbade me and my child to go to church because I could get infected and put my family at risk. I protested at first, but the situation turned into a scandal; did not go to the temple. But what to do next, quarantine can drag on, is it a sin in secret...

Asks: Julia, religion: Orthodox Christian

- "Hello! I have been living with my husband for 5 years. During this time, he generally worked for only one year. I am a full-time university student and work 2 jobs in order to somehow survive.
At the same time, he is aware of everything and says that he himself wants to find a job, but it simply does not work out. From the side it is clear to me that he is neither lazy nor proud to find something less paid and convenient. For a long period of time, he did not even try to find a job, but recently he has become a little more active - he communicates with employers, but everyone does not suit him with something - I'm afraid that he just "likes" watching TV and playing online games - although already an "adult boy" - 40 years on the nose. He is 14 years older than me, but in our family I feel like his mother, which categorically does not suit me.
I began to think about the future: to leave and thereby betray him - it is possible to cripple his life OR to live and endure - to pull him and myself, but how to give birth to children with such a husband, on whom there is no reliance?
Not married - they wanted to, but everything turned out so that it didn’t work out, and then it was postponed - maybe it’s good ... "

selena

-"Tolerate."

Archpriest Nikolai

-"I understand that this is an extreme measure, especially if the marriage is married. But what is more correct - for a woman to live with an unloved husband, drink to drown out the pain of intimacy with an unloved one, or still leave him?
A friend has a similar situation. I would like to get advice.
P.S. according to the wife, the husband chickened out in a difficult situation, and not in one: he shifted everything onto other people's shoulders - basically - his wife (other foreign shoulders protected her, not he) ... And he himself went aside ... Therefore, the question of she no longer has any respect for him ... Although he aggressively demands this, not understanding and not recognizing his behavior ... And she hesitates - the marriage is married ...
What to do?.. "

Natalia An.

-"The Lord did not mention such a reason for divorce as"cowardice of a husband according to his wife".
The only valid reason for divorce is adultery. And in this case, a divorced woman should remain celibate in the future.

In addition, a crafty statement of the question. In fact, the alternative to divorce issaving the marriage. And everything else ("living with an unloved husband, drinking to drown out the pain of intimacy with an unloved"etc.) - only an interpretation, an exaggeration of a counterargument, not worth taking seriously. Since it is not a condition and an indispensable consequence of the preservation of marriage.

So, if the marriage is canonically legal, and if the woman has even a shred of reason, she will try to save the marriage. Since, in this case, the alternative to saving the marriage is eithersindivorce plus celibacy, orsindivorce plus moresin adultery.

And there is no need to look for permission to sin in the councils of priests. Even if the priest inadvertently or without reasoning allows something superfluous, the sin will not cease to be a sin because of this."

priest Alexey Shlyapin

-"Bless the honest fathers!
I understand that it’s not the right time-Petrov’s post, but help me figure it out.
He lived in fornication with his future wife for 19 years. They gave birth to two daughters. In 2004 they got married, got married. Two years later, the wife files for divorce with the wording: there is no common household. bred through 3 courts (one district and two city). They remove me from registration in Moscow (I am a fourth-generation Muscovite). Then the ex-wife finds a young man (9 years younger) lives with him fornication for four years. They sign a week ago. Now they want to get married and participate in the Sacraments of the Church. Say it is possible, despite: “if a wife divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery” (Mark 10:12), “... but I do not command those who are married, but Lord: A woman shall not divorce her husband; if she divorces, she shall remain celibate, or be reconciled to her husband, and the husband shall not leave his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)."

A.Konstantin

-"From the point of view of the canons of the Church, it is in no way possible for her to get married."

Priest Dmitry Bokachev

“My wife two years ago, without any cause of adultery on my part, divorced me and is now cohabiting with the man with whom she committed adultery while still married to me.

Question: How can she legitimize her relationship with her partner before God and the Church (as I understand it, simply registering here as the culprit of the divorce will not be enough for her?)? It’s just that after studying this issue, I got the opinion that in order for them to legalize their relationship, it is necessary that the innocent side first, i.e. I entered into my new marriage + incur an epithem from my ex-wife from the priest (and it may, for example, consist in stopping prodigal cohabitation with this person for the N-th number of years (8? for example)).
Thank you."

Naum

-"Hello Naum!
1. There is no way for her to legitimize her relationship with her partner before God, for God never contradicts Himself. It is impossible to "legitimize" adultery before God."

Priest Dmitry Bokachev

-"Not at all possible.

In any case, this will remain adulterous cohabitation, which is subject totermination.
Registration in the registry office will not change anything here.
The wedding of such cohabitation is impossible.

Repentance presupposestermination sin. So, until this prodigal cohabitation is terminated, admit this woman to Communionit is forbidden. "

When God created man, created his wife from his rib, he commanded: “Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). And this commandment must naturally be fulfilled in family life.

Humanity is divided in half: there are men and there are women, and the very word "sex" means "half." A full-fledged being, which every person longs for, seeks, finds either in union with God when restoring his fullness by monasticism - by adopting an angelic image, or through the grace-filled union of a man and a woman, when “there will be two one flesh” (Gen. 2, 24). This union is for the sake of saving one's soul, for the sake of fulfilling the commandments of God, and, most importantly, for the sake of multiplying life, that is, for the sake of childbearing.

Man is destined from his creation to live a family life in order to raise children. The family is that means of salvation, without which the majority of people living on earth cannot lead their lives chastely. The family for an Orthodox person is a special, saving ark. We say that the Church is the new Noah's Ark, and yet the family is a small Church and therefore also a saving ark for man, protecting from sin. In this blessed union, a new life appears - a child, which, from the point of view of Orthodoxy, is a gift from God and His blessing.

Folk wisdom says: "To endure - fall in love." But how can you marry without love?

A person strives for full love all his life. It is a gift of God, which is given by grace. To achieve such love, one must acquire grace and keep it. And when a person lives a chaste pure life in marriage, then this is the path of acquiring grace and the path of growing love. Of course, such marriages, when one person is disgusting to another, are not normal. But hot passion is also an abnormality; passion passes, and what remains when the passion passes is the basis for family life. Therefore, there should be sympathy for each other, the presence of common interests, a close level of education and social status is desirable. There should be a slight age difference. And you need to live to love, you need to deserve it. And then, after 10-15 years, the husband looks at his wife, and the wife looks at her husband, and he thinks: “What a blessing that I married her,” and she: “What a blessing that I married him.” The understanding that this is the only chosen one, it is impossible to imagine another person nearby, and there is love. But it comes when the ship of family life has overcome many storms and survived, against all odds.

Are love and passion different things?

Passion most often blinds a person. Blinded by passions, a person very much idealizes the object of his worship, and when passions subside, insight begins: “How could I worship like that ?!”. And there is great disappointment. Therefore, you should not rush. We need to make friends, get to know each other. That is, a person must imagine what he is going for.

Family life is a godsend. It has many joys, but also many difficulties. And a person must act reasonably, must be a realist. There is no need to play in family life, like in a lottery: you are lucky - you are not lucky. This is a very serious step, it is about eternal life, about salvation. Through the family you can be saved, but you can also die. Carnal comfort will pass quickly, but spiritual union is an eternal union. Here's what to think about.

Why do people strive for family life? What does she give a person?

How does the Church feel about the fact that a single woman decided to give birth to a child and raise him herself?

Fornication, he is fornication. Sin, it is sin. A person has come to terms with the fact that it is impossible to create a family; one must come to terms with the fact that a child cannot be born outside the family. There are cases, of course, of temptations and falls. Then the birth of a child out of wedlock is a penitential situation. But if a person consciously goes to the birth of a child out of wedlock, you need to understand that he consciously goes to sin. Of course, nothing can be forbidden to anyone, because a person is free in his choice, but the commandment of God is known: “Do not commit adultery,” that is, do not commit adultery. Cohabitation outside of marriage is adultery, fornication. And this is what God's revelation says.

How is a husband saved by his wife, and a wife by her husband?

All over the world there is a hierarchy, and a husband can be saved by his wife if the wife knows her place. She should be more humble than the humblest husband. Thus, she is saved, and the husband is saved by the fact that his wife simply forces him to be the head of the family, even when, due to weakness, he tries to refuse it. The family exists as long as the head of the family is the husband, and "let the wife fear her husband." Now there are a lot of energetic, businesslike women who begin to feed the family, command the family, and we see that in most cases this ends in failure: the husband either falls into temptations - starts drinking, fornication, or even leaves the family.

The hierarchical organization of the family is commanded by God. The husband in the family can only be the head, and first of all he himself must remember this. To support and keep the family is his direct duty. If he is not the head, then, without even realizing it, he begins to suffer, he does not find a place for himself. The wife also begins to distort her nature.

In the preservation of the hierarchy, when the wife should be behind her husband, as if behind a stone wall, and the husband at home with his wife, as in paradise, and salvation consists through each other. We fulfill our role in the family and, testifying to this, help our neighbor to take his place too. And, of course, there should be prayers for each other.

Should a husband help his wife with household chores?

I would formulate differently: can a husband help his wife with household chores? Maybe. But you can't say "should". After all, what is debt? This is a duty. And we have already said that everyone in the family has their own responsibilities. The husband provides for the family, and the wife should be the keeper of the house.

That is, household chores mostly still lie on her shoulders. And you can’t force your husband to constantly wash the floors, you can’t do laundry. I know that husbands do it themselves with pleasure if they see that it is difficult for their wife. But when they are forced, it is very sad for them, everything inside resists, because this is not their duty. Some women boast: "My husband washes, cooks, cleans ...". It must be understood that when the wife begins to gradually gain authority and power in the family and the husband is relegated to secondary roles, this is the path to the disintegration of the family. Should be the authority of the husband and father. It is very important. In the same way as for a husband there should be the authority of God. Therefore, in the performance of household duties, you can ask your husband for help, but you can not order. You can accept help, but you can't legitimize it.

Which spouse is more responsible for raising children?

In the Orthodox tradition, a wife should still be a household person, raise children. This is a great job - to run a house, a household, and a woman usually did just that. Due to poverty, when the husband was unable to feed his family, his wife had to work. But even if a wife has a higher salary than her husband, she should forget it. Traditionally, the whole way of family life emphasized the authority of the husband, father. He sat in the main place at the table and until he took a spoon, no one started dinner. And now mommy is carrying a plate to her son, first to her daughter, then she will remember about dad. Little things, but they are destructive. They exalt children, children cease to obey their parents, the authority of adults is lost. The art of family life is the art of wisdom. humble wisdom. If dad is resting, everyone should tiptoe. If it’s hard for mom, dad should say: “Come on, kids, we’ll help.” You need to see this, you need to notice each other, love, respect, live by caring for each other. And when you see only yourself, your fatigue, your desires, then you begin to feel sorry only for yourself.

But what if a woman still has to take on the duties of the head?

Do not take! It is a sin when a husband gives his wife power in the family, and exactly the same sin when she takes it. They give you, but don't take it: "No, dear, you are the head of the family." It is not necessary to say this, but by way of life, by attitude, emphasize the dominant role of men.

How not to take? The family will be poor. Could it be?

Maybe. The trouble is that we are trying to live in comparison with others. And you have to be content with what you have. The wife feeds the family, but you don’t need to take power. Her husband is unemployed, he cannot earn money, but he should still be put in first place, maintain a respectful attitude, show that he is the head of the family. Power is not in who brings more money, but in the hierarchy before God.

It happens that a female leader does not emphasize her leadership position in the family, and the husband still experiences this painfully.

Emphasizes, unfortunately. She thinks that she does not emphasize. The internal state is very inertial. When a person comes from a job where he was a leader, it can be difficult to switch to family life. This happens when we begin to treat work as the main thing in life, but after all, work is obedience and there is nothing to be especially proud of. There is intra-family obedience, and there is social obedience. And everyone should be treated responsibly, but not made into a cult. Unfortunately, the novices among us are bad. That's the whole point.

Why do they say: “Lovely swear - they only amuse themselves”? So it's not safe?

They do not swear, but they scold, that is, they grumble. They could have quarreled, but they humbled themselves to the point that they only grumble. They managed to extinguish the fire of irritability, quarrels within themselves, when a conflict could arise. But when they swear, they no longer amuse themselves. And from the world they squeeze each other. When a person extinguishes the fire in himself, it gives consolation and joy that it was possible not to bring the matter to a conflict. Then they cheer, of course.

What to do if a husband or wife begins to ridicule the weaknesses of a spouse in public, to say sharp, unpleasant things?

The holy fathers say that not a word should be told to anyone about internal family problems. Not only to mock each other, but you don’t even need to share with anyone. If you reveal the secrets of family life to other people, you give power over your family life. But not all people are decent. In no case should you boast, rejoice, or share your sorrows. This is an inner, very mysterious life, it must be protected. A person can show weakness in the family, but it was in the family that he showed it, he hoped that his loved ones would understand him. He, perhaps, in another situation would not have shown it, but here he could not restrain himself, he showed his weakness, but not because he takes revenge on his loved ones, but because he believes them. A husband opens his soul to his wife, because he trusts, just as a priest is trusted in confession, and when a secret is violated, this is very close to the disclosure of a confession. It is sad when they begin to mock each other, tell secrets, humiliate. This speaks of the depravity of the person who allows himself to do this, of the lack of wisdom.

What is the second person to do in such a situation?

Try to reason with your spouse and endure. And try not to give him a reason to ridicule.

What to do if the husband is cruel?

In one of the Orthodox books, I read a story that a husband often came home drunk and beat his wife. Beat-beat... And the wife all humbled herself. He ended up beating her so badly that she died. And when they brought her to the cemetery, buried her in the grave, he, standing in front of the cross, realized what he had done. I cried and did not leave this grave for several years. Then he completely changed his life. It turns out that his wife saved him with her humility. With her humility, she pulled him out of the depths of sin and received the crown of martyrdom herself. This, of course, is a very high feat.

It must be understood that nevertheless the fire should not be extinguished with gasoline or kerosene. Can't be annoying. And it turns out that the husband flares up, and the wife adds even more fuel to the fire. You need to force yourself to be patient, to put up with it, because evil has one peculiarity: it requires nourishment. A person, when irritated, wants to piss others off, to infect others with his anger. If a bully hits a person, he waits to be hit back. And it starts to fight with good reason. If he said a swear word, he expects the same in return. And if he doesn't, he doesn't know what to do next. We need to learn how to put out this fire. And extinguishes humility, patience. Then, when everything calms down, you can say, but not in irritation. And pray for the softening of evil hearts before the “Seven-shot” icon of the Mother of God, the saints who are the patrons of family life; if the husband suffers from the vice of drunkenness - to the martyr Boniface, the Mother of God before Her icon "Inexhaustible Chalice".

And, of course, you need to be reasonable when you get married. A person does not become an alcoholic for no reason, does not become cruel. If you see such manifestations and still go down the aisle, you must understand what kind of cross you are taking on. And if you already take it, then endure it, bear it, humble yourself. You've made your choice.

How to bring an unbelieving spouse into the Church, how to plant the seeds of faith in his heart? And what if he is against his wife praying, going to church, observing fasting?

When, in the process of family life, one of the spouses becomes a believer, he often changes his life too abruptly and begins to pester everyone in the house, forgetting that he himself has been going to this life for many years. Therefore, you need to give your loved ones some time to go through this path. We should not force, teach, we ourselves should live this pure life, so that those close to us are convinced: with faith I become better - kinder, more patient, more hardworking. It is impossible to force to believe and love. And seeing our life, and relatives will wish to imitate us. This is the only way for a family to convert to faith. And, of course, we need to pray that the Lord will bring our loved ones to faith. Everything should be done with love, with respect, with respect for the freedom of everyone in the family.

What to do if one of the spouses is wrong and does not intend to admit it, but insists that it be as he wants?

The wise give in. You can give in for a while to extinguish the conflict. As they say, the morning is wiser than the evening. Evil crumbles from time to time, but good endures, because it is based on eternity.

Often they are afraid that others will take compliance for weakness.

It is necessary to yield gracefully. When an adult yields to a child, this is not perceived as weakness. You need to understand that you can give in not out of weakness, but out of wisdom.

How to get along with the annoying shortcomings of the spouse?

You need to get along with yourself, fight with your shortcomings. Since someone's shortcomings irritate me, then I need to be treated. Irritability, incontinence - this is my sin. I must repent of this, call on the church sacraments for help. If you carefully monitor your inner state, then you will find the same shortcomings that are so annoying in others in yourself.

You can generally say what all the problems in the family are from?

Because of the lack of humility, all problems. We all do not want to humble ourselves: husbands before God, wives before their husbands, children before their parents. As soon as everyone gets in their place, all the problems in the family will begin to disappear.

It also affects the desire to compare their family life with the lives of other families, when envy arises. On the one hand, we understand that God gave us individuality, originality, that we are not alike and our families are not alike, but for some reason we want to live like everyone else. And it is impossible to live like everyone else, because we are all different. God gave someone more well-being, someone less, and you need to come to terms with these circumstances, learn to enjoy what you have. If a person thanks and rejoices in what he has, he is always rich. I saw people who have huge material wealth, with the psychology of beggars. They cry all the time, they miss it all the time. And there are those who can give their last, like the gospel widow who put in two mites, and at the same time live with dignity. Giving thanks for everything is the way to wealth, because wealth is the ability to agree with the circumstances of your life and the ability to live within your means. We sometimes envy and do not even suspect that as soon as a family becomes prosperous, it most often breaks up. They lived in poverty - in peace, in love, suddenly everything changed, the husband is already embarrassed by his wife, changes her, changes his family. There are few people who can adequately pass the test of power and money.

Therefore, the Lord gives to those who can. And when people themselves try to take what they want, it often turns to their detriment.

If family relationships were built incorrectly for a long time, but one of the spouses or both of them saw the light, saw that everything in the family was turned upside down, how to change the usual, already established way of life? Where to begin?

Need to pray. And the Lord will arrange. When you begin to humble yourself before the providential will of God, Who sometimes allows trials in order to save a person's soul, this is the beginning of salvation.

How to understand the words that a woman is saved by childbearing?

A woman is saved not just by childbearing, but by loving children, sacrificial love, when she does not seek her own in love, but raises her child for God, with God and in God. Love of children always begins with love of God. Therefore, these apostolic words should not be understood only as salvation by the number of children born. You can have many children and not take care of them.

The Orthodox family is saved through childbearing, because the more children, the more opportunities to show love and care.

Why don't all families have children? And often not in those families where they would like to have and could raise them well?

Sometimes spouses themselves do not want to have children, and sometimes God does not give them. The unwillingness to have children is a distortion of the meaning of marriage, which lies in childbearing. The family is formed in order for a new life to be born. Why doesn't the Lord give children? Maybe the previous life was not very pious, or it happens that the Lord gave children, and the parents themselves refused at one time.

From the Holy Scriptures we know examples of fruitless marital unions. Childlessness was perceived in former times as God's punishment for the sins of parents, and parents were very worried and prayed all their lives for the gift of children. Joachim and Anna, Elizabeth and Zechariah... And we see that at the end of their lives, when according to all physical laws they could not have children, the Lord gave them a child after they took a vow to dedicate the child to God. The birth of children is a moment of man's mysterious relationship with God, a humble moment. If the Lord gives children, you need to rejoice, if not, you need to pray to God, humble yourself, endure.

Can a childless marriage be dissolved, considering it to be graceless?

Holy Scripture says that for this reason marriages were not annulled; spouses humbled themselves, endured, carried their cross.

Can infertility be treated?

Why not? The Lord helps through people and circumstances. Doctors are specialists who can fulfill the will of God to heal people. There is no ban on visiting doctors.

In the apostolic epistle there is such a phrase: "Let marriage be honorable among all, and the bed undefiled..." (Heb. 13:4). But after all, we are talking about marriage, how can the bed be blameless?

It is not customary to talk about the intimate side of marriage, because the main thing in marriage is still spiritual unity. A married marriage preserves chastity without damaging the inner spiritual world of the spouses even after they enter into a marital relationship. In especially pious families, the husband and wife shared a bed only in order to conceive a new life, to bear children. During fasting, children never conceived. When the wife was pregnant, the husband did not touch her. And during feeding too. Voluptuousness, which is now being developed and encouraged on the basis of an intimate married life, is a sinful state, because God established such relations between a man and a woman in order to multiply the human race through them, to give birth to children. In pious families, the husband and wife lived like brother and sister, when they considered that the number of children was already enough, and in their old age they took monasticism. They did not kindle passions and tried to humble themselves, since it is always supposed to live humbly

Can one of the spouses refuse the other in intimacy?

If both the husband and the wife are pious, Orthodox, believing people, then such problems do not arise. They know when such intimacy is possible and when it is not. But still, St. John Chrysostom advises: when in the family one of the spouses is an unbeliever, for the sake of preserving peace, if this can lead to discord in the family, yield to him even during fasting.

If there is no harmony in intimate relationships, is it possible to turn to psychologists, sexologists, and other specialists in this field for help?

The problem of harmony in intimate relationships is also a product of physiology, when there is a desire to find in them something else besides procreation: the satisfaction of one's voluptuous, passionate inclinations. When a person distorts this side of his life, he begins to experience dissatisfaction. In pious families, where they live on the basis of spiritual unity and where people are united not only by intimate relationships, and mainly not by them, such problems do not arise.

Why is abortion considered a sin? Is it better to give birth to a child and not be able to raise him normally, because there is no apartment, little money, you need to make a career?

Abortion is one of the terrible sins, because it is the murder of one's own child in the womb. This is a heinous crime and must be resisted. They tell such a story. A seduced girl came to the elder, who was supposed to give birth, but she was afraid of her parents and wanted to get rid of the child. The elder tried to exhort her, but he saw that the words did not reach. Then he seemed to agree: “If you want to kill your baby, kill it. But first give birth to him, and then take him in your arms and throw him into the river. She obeyed. And when she gave birth and took her child in her arms, she suddenly felt that now she would never part with him, would not destroy her blood. A maternal feeling awakened in her. And she realized that it was impossible to commit such a crime.

When the child is already born, it is obvious that murder is being committed, but the same thing happens when he is still in the mother's womb. It doesn’t occur to you because of the tightness in the apartment or the lack of money to solve these problems by killing one of the family members?

If the birth of a child threatens the death of the mother, will abortion be considered a sin in this case too?

For the sake of her already born child, the mother, as a rule, is ready for anything if his life is in danger. But when the child is still in the womb, it is also yours, your part, your blood. Therefore, abortion in this case, and always, is a sin.

It is said that having an abortion can affect the lives of other children in the family. But how can this be?

It is known that abortion undermines the health of the mother. In spiritual terms, the sin of murder is committed in the family, and sin is not only an act, it is also a distortion of the entire spiritual nature of a person, when the ability to keep one's mind, will, and heart pure is lost. Healing happens through repentance, but not always as soon as we would like.

One woman complained that her child was obedient, quiet, affectionate, but when she had an abortion, something happened to him, as if a demon had taken possession.

The family is a living organism, and everyone is responsible for the deeds of any of its members. I know a family in which the son loves his father very much and does not recognize his mother. The father says: "I know why this is happening - because I saved his life." Mom insisted on an abortion, and dad resisted and defended the child. The son cannot evaluate this event at the level of consciousness, but from birth he does not reach for his mother, and he does not leave his father. The family is a single spiritual organism, damage during the fall of the spiritual foundation of one family member will necessarily affect the lives of its other members. And children are more receptive than adults, and these changes are more openly manifested in them.

You can't have an abortion because it's infanticide. But why is it impossible to use contraceptives, to be sterilized? It would seem that these are just the means to avoid resorting to abortions?

Again an attempt to translate the relationships leading to childbearing into other relationships that feed the voluptuous inclinations of people. In Greece, for example, for the use of contraceptives, they are excommunicated for three years. So the best defense against accidental pregnancy is abstinence.

If it is known that a sick child will be born, is it necessary to give birth to him?

Everything is in God's hand, so there must be humility before His will. If a sick person is born, then what God gave, he gave such. An accidentally sick child is not born, it does not happen. This is the cross necessary for the salvation of the souls of parents, because it is through children that parents are saved. And it is through sick children, performing a Christian feat, that parents can reach great spiritual heights.

There are also cases when doctors are wrong in their predictions. It is best to rely on God's will and take everything from the hand of God.

Archpriest Yevgeny Shestun answered questions