I listen to my feelings, go over the words and phrases that come to mind. The phrase "Be above this, behave with dignity, do not fall to his / her level!" Pops up! Moreover, it pops up in the context of insulting me from another person. I think that the idea of ​​"be higher than this!" - an excellent help just for those who like to humiliate other people. "I humiliated you, but don't you dare defend yourself!" Or is it, from the experience of children and adolescents: "Well, what are you, offended, or what ?!"

The chain of associations incorporates the experiences of one woman that she heard once about the fact that she has become like a “bazaar boor” in some kind of dispute, and because of this she is terribly ashamed. Even the notorious "insult to the feelings of believers" and "insult to honor and dignity" arise in my mind ... Humiliation - this word and the experience behind it resonate with me as closely related to the concept of dignity. And another feeling is respect. The mosaic seems to be starting to take shape.

I believe that the core of self-esteem as a complex experience is self-esteem. What is respect as such? This is a feeling that arises when we notice in another person something that we ourselves consider important and significant, for which we ourselves strive. This means that self-respect is all the same, only directed towards one's “I”. I respect myself for the fact that some of my actions and deeds correspond to my ideas about what is valuable.

I distinguish for myself two types of respect: basic, "advance", and acquired, "deserved". Basic respect is the value of a person as such, confidence in his right to be, no matter what. A kind of "advance": I recognize you as valuable and equal to myself, even before I met you.

Respecting another person, I do not offend him, I treat him as a value. This also applies to yourself. Self-esteem is based on this basic self-esteem. In spite of everything, I have the right to be, I have my place in this world, and no one has the right to deprive it. To try to humiliate is to try to throw a person out of this place into the mud. Make him doubt that he is entitled to anything at all. "Your place is at ..."

"Be above this!" - good manipulation for those who like to offend themselves, but are afraid to face the consequences

Respecting yourself means noticing in yourself what you realize as valuable and important. First of all - your needs, emotions and life values. And for this you need to feel them and imagine your own system of values, that is, to have personal ethics experienced in real experience. And it is woven from hopes and disappointments, shame and shame from failures, triumph from triumph; struggle for recognition and much more.

That is, this ethics inevitably changes over time, enriched with new experience. What seemed like gold at one age turns into brass at another. Not bad either, but not gold.

Personal ethics are not invented - it is found in what we do and, sometimes, we say. Again I remember a woman who was worried that, protecting her little son from the aggression of some strange dad, she behaved "like a bazaar boor." If in the ethical hierarchy “to please others with your behavior” is higher than “protecting your children”, then yes, then shame and loss of self-esteem can arise. If your son is more important, self-respect will only strengthen.

I think that in the awareness of this hierarchy lies the opportunity to resist manipulators who are trying to offend or humiliate us, and then, in order to protect themselves, devalue our indignation by such attempts: “They carry water to the offended”, “Be above this, forget”, “You he is a reasonable person "," I was just joking, don't you understand jokes? "

I would like to answer: “You see, I don't like being treated like that. And it doesn't matter to me that you think you need to be above that. Trying to humiliate me - either stop it, or that's it. You can't do that with me. Even for fun. Even once. " "Be above this!" - good manipulation for those who like to offend themselves, but are afraid to face the consequences.

You can, of course, confuse self-respect and pride - as many do. But pride is defined in the body as a feeling that straightens and expands from the inside, and self-respect is defined as a feeling of stability, core, firmness. I also think that self-respect is not only a consequence of certain actions, but also a reason, a landmark that forms an upward spiral: I do this because I will respect myself for it, and I respect myself for doing so.

There is such a fear inherent in people with a formed worldview and personal ethics: to betray themselves, that is, to do something that will cause you to stop respecting yourself. And this is a very powerful landmark that allows you to put many things in their place in life. Ultimately, betrayal of oneself does not pay off with anything from the outside; transactions with one's own conscience, as a rule, are unprofitable for the conscience.

However, I do not know people who would never step on the throat of their own song and do not bend their souls. It is convenient to be with principles, but life sometimes throws up tasks in which there are no good ways out, and in any case, you betray something in yourself. It happens.

And sometimes, even without such alternatives, we make a choice, for which our conscience pays later. Disowned a friend because others condemn him, she could not defend herself in some kind of conflict. You can think of many examples when we fail, in which it is self-respect that suffers. How can I restore it then? The answer is simple: do what you respect. That's all.

There is no need to try to fix the past. Moreover, one of the traits I most respect is the ability to admit that you are imperfect and, at the moment of failure or shame, stand up and, experiencing shame or fear, still go in the direction that is important to you. That is why someone else's failure or failure is not a reason for me to lose respect for a person. And if I do not deny respect to another person in such a situation - why should I deny this to myself?

If you want to praise, pay attention to the qualities that the child showed in order to achieve something, and not the achievements themselves.

What matters is not what you have, but what you have done. And if you continue further, it is not so much what you did that is important, but what qualities you showed to do it. Accordingly, success or failure become relative categories. More significant is how I went to success or failure, and how I perceived them: swollen with importance, fell into self-abasement, just rejoiced at the victory, saddened, gritted my teeth and stood up after defeat.

Children, by the way, feel this difference well. If you want to praise - pay attention to the qualities that the child showed in order to achieve something, and not for the achievements as such. Then he will learn to respect his effort, regardless of whether he will succeed or fail.

Self-respect makes it possible to perceive criticism, because it ceases to be humiliation, since failure is no longer a sentence, but simply an eventual fact. A kind of hierarchy of what deserves respect is being built, from insignificant to important: possession of something - achieving something - qualities that a person manifests in his activities.

So, self-esteem is the ability to value your own existence as such, to see in yourself what you yourself consider significant and the ability to focus on these values. However, it is not necessary to see something valuable in yourself. It can be created simply by doing what you deem worthy of respect. I don't know any other way to gain self-respect.